The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Retina is okay...I have some signs of posterior vitreous detachment due to a combo of age and being extremely short sighted from childhood. Great! I went through that about 15 years ago, floaters and flashing lights. Floaters have now gone, so it looks like everything has landed in a heap at the bottom without pulling off any retina.

I think what I might do in your situation is write to the nursing home setting out your concerns if he returns home, explaining factually what she and you are able or not able to do with him, and include an appendix of dated incidents when his care failed.

Then I'd do the same to his GP, so he/she is working from the same information.

Mark both letters "Confidential".

Have you any contact with your Dad at the moment? Make sure he knows he can express his own preference. He doesn't have to abide by what your mother, or indeed you, thinks.

I presume they can't actually kick dad out willy nilly because Mum's being difficult? They'd probably start by banning her.

Well the heart procedure is off...apparently she's not mentally well enough for them to safely do it! Interesting! I wonder if there's any way of getting that info to the home without breaking privacy regulations? Well, if she's not mentally well enough to have op, she's not mentally well enough to look after your dad unaided.

If I can get her out a bit the taste of freedom might put her off being housebound again with caring responsibilities. Sneaky!

daal sorry things are going that way for your dad. Hope you can find the right place for him.
Great advice from dint minty make sure home are in the picture re your dm. Also does your df have a social worker to protect his best interests?

There was an interesting piece on Woman's Hour this morning about the issue of caring for elderly parents who have a history of abusive behaviour.

It raised a lot of issues regarding caring responsibilities that fall to women.

It will be available on BBC sounds.

Ok, so todays visit lasted 30 minutes. Sje was deep in self pity, not really talking, lots of heavy sighing, TV at a ridiculous loud volume throughout...I rang the fracture clinic as she says her arm hurts more than ever. I dont know if that's true. We are supposed to be taking the plaster off next week. Please give me strength....and some more patience

🌺🌺🌺to you.

Oh God @Nodancingshoes ...that all sounds so familiar...sending calm and patience (and gin and chocolate your way).

Mum's had yet another meltdown over L this morning, and she's also spoken to dad. Apparently he was telling her he wants to come home 🙄

I don't compete with the tv Nodancingshoes. If MIL would rather watch that than talk to me it's fine, I already know where I stand in her list of priorities. I am not repeating myself and shouting over the babble, I'll just drop the shopping and leave.

I listened to the piece on Woman's Hour (starts about 2.45). I had great sympathy with the original text where the writer didn't want to care for their abuser and wished they were dead. I thought there was some dancing around the subject after that. There can be massive family pressure brought to bear by the wider family on the child of what might be seen as a "difficult" parent because everyone is keen for it to be someone else's responsibility to sort out. The wider family may have no idea just how "difficult" that parent was to their children, nor how nasty they are now. The only way for the now adult child to justify what is seen in the family as their lack of care is to disclose the abuse. It's opening up a whole can of worms on which the lid has been firmly nailed shut for decades. There is no easy way out of it, have nothing to do with the abusive parent and be slated by the rest of the family or be involved with the care of someone you'd rather never see again.

Minty I'd believe it if someone else had asked your dad. You never know whether he's been badgered into the answer she wants to hear.

Doctor has rung. Still on for taking the plaster off next week. He said it is completely normal for there to be pain especially when someone also has arthritis. It was NOT the answer she wanted but there you go I feel bad now cos when I rang her to tell her about Prince Phillip, she cried... @knotaknitter the TV is always on- I get transfixed by reruns of Holby city when I am there

Oh Lordy - I just popped into the nursing home to pick up the contract I need to sign so he can stay permanently. When I got there, they were clearing up the pudding trolley that he had accidentally pushed over, complete with many broken wine glasses . He's very restless, not very stable on his feet and prone to impulsively leaping to his feet with no warning. He can't help it, but it's worrying and exhausting for the staff. I'd better sign that contract quickly before they change their minds about letting him stay!

Oh daal ! Get it signed! shoes don’t feel bad. You are doing what you can.
minty hope the visit goes well,
.

@Nodancingshoes what sort of pain relief is she on? Will she be having physio?
I hope things improve...you're doing everything you can but you can't possibly control her health issues!

@AChickenCalledDaal I'm sure they are used to these situations and will find ways to manage/work around his issues.

Not long after my last post I had a call from the CHC who provide the funding/care arrangements to ask if any decision had been made yet regarding whether dad is coming home or staying at the care home permanently.

I told them they need to speak to mum as she is his next of kin and has the final say. I explained that our opinions on the subject are wildly differing and in the circumstances I needed to step away for the sake of my mental health.

She will no doubt try and bring him home. I can't even visit him to talk to him myself so have no idea if she is telling the truth or pressuring him into a decision.

I'm not convinced that she didn't lie about the heart procedure being cancelled...I think it's highly likely she was the instigation for it not going ahead. The way she described it sounded very like her reasoning rather than something a medical professional would say, and she let slip later that evening that had it gone ahead she would have had to self-isolate from Thursday am - Monday and she can barely manage half a day on her own.

Called her early evening yesterday to see how she was and she was sobbing down the phone the moment she picked up about how lonely she is and has no one to talk to (I'd stayed overnight Thursday, popped back in halfway through Friday and she'd spoken to my dad and a friend). I pointed out that she can't expect to have people on hand to entertain her 24/7 and she swore at me, told me she couldn't talk to me because of the way she was feeling and hung up.

I am honestly terrified of what will happen next.

minty💐 I'm sorry x
You just have to let her get on with it now. She's made her view clear...she is nofk and she will decide what's best, even against medical advice and your fathers best interests.
That means refusing to help her if she brings your father home.
If she wants professional care for him she will need to pay for it at home.
If she insists on bringing him home maybe you could (cough) get covid?
Then she will have 10 days to see the reality of her situation.
Because its all about her really, isn't it?
Your poor dad, and poor you.

Minty I suspect you are right about your mum finding a way to cancel the op. The NHS postponing an op for mental health reasons doesn't sound plausible, but I can see how she might have rationalised that she couldn't cope with the isolation period and persuaded them to postpone it.

Daal Apparently they said she was far too stressed for an angioplasty to be sensible and that at a time like this she should be concentrating on her husband .

She put it off I December because he was at home and she 'didn't have anyone to care for him whilst I have the procedure and recuperate'. I was off work and had offered to stay for two or three nights to facilitate her having it done.

Anyhow, we're here at the home, she's behaving remarkably well, has had her lateral flow test with minimal fuss and gone in. I've waved through the window and come back to the car for a bit of a cry.

I've started a list of all the reasons why I believe it would be unwise to bring dad home for all three of our sakes and will get some advice from cousin if she decides to press ahead.

The bottom line is, I can cope with caring for one of them, I simply can't manage caring for both of them, and as much as I'd love to be caring for dad, it's not not an option on any level.

When I looked in the window, he was sitting up in bed, clean, alert and as well as I've seen him in recent weeks. Assuming visiting restrictions lift as hoped it's by far the best place for him.

Sorry to butt in MintyCedric but I recon your dm's need to have your df at home has something to do with 'L' only visiting when your df is there?

@strudsespark

I can see where you're coming from but he's registered to visit her anyway as respite for me, so that makes no difference.

What is different is that I don't need to be here as much if Dad isn't at home needing physical care...and she is well aware that I will crawl over hot coals to make sure his needs are met, whereas because she is far more able to look after herself I expect to make more effort.

I am more than happy to help her help herself eg will take her to social things when they open up until she gains confidence/makes friends; support her with medical appoints and bigger practical stuff etc etc. What I find incredibly hard to tolerate is the helpless woe is me crap.

On the upside Dad was on brilliant form apparently.

She said he told her he wants to come home and she's obviously still leaning that way but seems in less of a rush which is a small positive.

It was just a thought MintyCedric :)

I guess she is well aware that I will crawl over hot coals to make sure his needs are met is your downfall. It's a bugger if he can't stay at the home when he seems to feel better there.

If I were you (and I'm well aware I'm not) I would flag to all and sundry in writing that you can't meet his needs at home anymore, no matter what your dm says.

@strudsespark absolutely...I would think the same myself and I'm definitely looking into how to convey the situation to the powers that be.

Minty Will she agree to using this time to sort things out that have been on hold for so long. Opticians, hair cut, dentist, hearing test, decorating, spring cleaning - things you can help with that just aren't possible while you are looking after dad (and they've been shut). It shuts down the poor me, home alone thing and puts a positive spin on your dad's absence. It also means that you can spend time together without listening to the tale of woe because you will be doing stuff.

I'm glad to hear that he's doing well, she will be able to see him at his best which might make a difference.

I'm hoping we can to some degree. She was complaining the other day that I don't go round as much when dad isn't there, but there has been two days I've not been round since he went in. I've seen her the last two Saturdays and last Wednesday because she's had appointments and I'll always go back for an hour two after and have a coffee with her.

I left early yesterday as I had to take DD to something but offered to go back and take her to the garden centre for a potter and a coffee but she didn't want to.

She wants to clear the loft out so will suggest we do that this week, she's already done a wee bit of decorating and is planning to redecorate 'dad's' room.

And she managed to get her hair cut a couple of weeks ago...

It's like any other relationship, you reward the behaviour you want. In this case the reward is your time so you need to see her as much as you did when you were there for your dad. She can make you be there if she brings him home, if she sees just as much of you next week then she doesn't need to have him there to get you.

This isn't the rest of your life, it's not always going to be like this. If your dad will be in residential care long term then she can start to think about what she needs long term. At the moment it's the in betweeny place where nothing is certain. If she suddenly has time to fill then what did dhe used to enjoy doing before she had to spend all that time caring for dad (take your eyebrows out of your hairline, she has the power here and you are going to have to sign up to her version of reality). Knitting. crochet, online games, painting - anything that passes time and doesn't need you there to do it. If she can build a life that doesn't have your dad in the middle of it then she's more likely to manage with seeing him a couple of times a week.

Bon soir, is it possible I could please have a seat in the cafe and a quick vent? My situation similar to many here I know with one aged mama with declining cognitive abilities and luckily a rather sweet nature unless pushed - and complicated with addicted sibling in the ancestral home. I would like, please, to do a vent about the cussedness/backfiring nature aspect of trying to keep going which might resonate with some of you.