The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Minty Presumably if it comes to it then someone will be asking your father whether he'd rather stay or go. If he's quite chipper at the moment then he might be deemed to be capable of taking the decision.

Today I was the carer. The first time it happened I was devastated, now meh, whatever. I dread to think what I'll be taking in my stride in a year.

I went and cleaned mums windows. She sat there with pursed lips. They are too streaky for her. Oh well!! 😁
I'm at home tomorrow as my sil is visiting then we are having a new carpet fitted in ds1s bedroom so we have furniture to heft about.
Then the bathroom fitter is coming so it'll be a busy day.
I took her to a different M&S today as the road was closed to get to the usual one.
They didn't have everything she wanted. Which, I'm sure, will be my fault somehow 😁
I'm lucky in that I can laugh about it - most of the time 🙄
minty might be worth doing the LPOA again? No idea why your dad would make your mum his attorney though? I got the impression they aren't close?
(Sorry if I've misunderstood)
It keeps snowing in flurries here but not settling. Very cold 🥶

I've just had a massive row with mum, hung up on her and blocked her on phone and FB.

...and pulled landline out of the wall

Oh minty
This level of stress cannot be good for you!

Time to step back?
Easier said than done, I know.

Minty Tomorrow is another day, I know that could sound like a threat but it really isn't. Your dad is safe and well cared for, your daughther loves you, the cat loves you (or pretends to for food, I'm never sure with cats) and we really do care about you. We're no practical help and I'm sorry about that because thoughts and prayers only go so far. I really hope that everything will be better in the morning.

Is she worried about her procedure? Is she frightened and taking it out on you?

Thanks knot

The procedure probably isn't helping but this is her third one...it's not a new thing to worry about.

It's the fact she's accused me today of trying to 'get rid' of dad, then is talking about getting L involved to sort things out to her satisfaction.

I just can't do it any more. I also need to take care of myself tomorrow. I have been having eye issues for a few days that could indicate a detached retina so I need to get an emergency optician appt.

If she wants to keep accusing me of things, reiterating that she's next of kin and everything is her decision and getting that f*ing man involved in my dad's care, the she can bloody well do it in her own.

I wish I could give you a big hug minty
Time to make an official complaint about "L"? As a Trustee of a voluntary group I'm pretty horrified by his actions.
I don't know what to suggest but echo knot - we care about you and we want you to take care of yourself (as anyone who cares for you should)
Please get to the opticians today...I have an eye issue which could become a detachment...don't delay when it comes to your vision.
If your mum has your dad home she won't cope, and adult SS will have to get involved. Sometimes a crisis can lead to positive changes.
SS (and your mum) will happily let you kill yourself looking after everything. Don't. Your dad would not want this.
Love to you x

Thanks jen on the bus to optician as I post!

Spoke to mum this morning...thunk we've both calmed down a bit.

If she insists on bringing dad home I will look at finding another job or returning to work sooner and raise my concerns with adult social services.

As for L there's no indication that he would actually agree to mums request and he does seem to have backed off a fair bit lately.

I have booked a slot for Saturday morning (there goes my day off...again). Mum will need to take a lateral flow test in the car park and wait for a result until she is allowed to enter, and must wear a mask and apron for her 60 minute visit. That will no doubt go down like a cup of cold sick. Tell her she's really lucky. I have to go through all that palaver for a 10 min visit.

If she insists on bringing him home, I am having no further involvement beyond a couple of social visits a week (assuming she'll let me over the threshold)! Makes sure she knows that. Don't let her make an uninformed decision on the basis that you will be there to help.

I went and cleaned mums windows. She sat there with pursed lips. They are too streaky for her. Tell her she'd be better off with a proper window cleaner/cleaner. Someone who knows how to clean windows I remember it took only a couple of my haircuts for Dad to go out and find himself a barber.

Well done, Minty! Just read your update. Now you have at least 24hours peace. Use it to the full! ... oops, looks like you will be - yes, the detached retina thing has to be sorted immediately. Hope it's not that, please tell us when you know. Focus on yourself today, and try to keep hold of that anger = it's your protection against being dragged into things.

Retina is okay...I have some signs of posterior vitreous detachment due to a combo of age and being extremely short sighted from childhood.

It's not worrisome in itself but combined factors put me at higher than average risk of retinal detachment so am being referred to hospital eye clinic for further tests as a precaution.

Right pupil is still huge and felt quite fragile after the whole thing tbh...40 minute bus ride into town wearing a mask left me feeling really sick and panicky, so I got a cab home and am spending the afternoon on the sofa with the curtains drawn binge watching Line of Duty.

It's good you are bingeing on LoD Minty - I find it healing for my whole focus to be on bent coppers and the letter of the law for a while.

I'm sorry about your Mum lashing out at you. It sounds like you're shouldering an awful lot right now

Minty I am glad you made the time to get your eye looked at, it is better to be safe than sorry.

@MintyCedric
See this as a wake up call that you are not invincible. Time to look after yourself and your daughter . You won't get a second chance to do that.

@MintyCedric

Thanks jen on the bus to optician as I post!

Spoke to mum this morning...thunk we've both calmed down a bit.

If she insists on bringing dad home I will look at finding another job or returning to work sooner and raise my concerns with adult social services.

As for L there's no indication that he would actually agree to mums request and he does seem to have backed off a fair bit lately.

Glad your eye is ok x Always worrying when its your vision. Ah. ..so your mum is gaslighting "L" too? Interesting! She really can't see how her own behaviour pushes people away, can she? Sigh. She won't change. So one can only change ones reactions. Easier said than done though. I have got much better at laughing off the more hurtful stuff. It infuriates her :) Is line of duty and good? Never seen it...

Line of Duty is bloody amazing. I've just finished series 4.

Mum has had another go at the home including telling them that she wants dad home as soon as her heart procedure permits and that they are only to communicate with her about dad's care going forward.

I've emailed them along the lines that I did tell her about visiting and don't support her plans but as she is next of kin I am now stepping back.

Have had her on the phone this afternoon going on about it all again and basically saying she still expects to deal with all manner of other admin type stuff eve though she's barred me from speaking to the home. I've made it clear that won't be happening.

I have also suggested she needs to be mindful of making decisions based on her wants/needs/fears rather than in dad's best interests. And pointed out some of the potential implications of bringing him home...not least the impact of increased stress and fatigue on her cognitive functioning and the fact there is no guarantee we will be able to get adequate home based palliative care in place given the hospice has already rejected 2 applications.

Although my eye is okay for now, I am higher than average risk for an RD and stress won't help (high blood pressure and increased adrenaline chemicals can have an impact...it's tiny but not telling mum that).

I have done bugger all today...but such is life.

there is no guarantee we will be able to get adequate home based palliative care in place given the hospice has already rejected 2 applications.

That should read "no guarantee that SHE will be able to get adequate...care". She has to get the message that if she goes this route it's against your advice and she's doing it on her own. She's going to do her own sweet thing and rely on you bailing her out when it all goes west. You will be dragged back in because of your concern for your dad and she won't have to face the consequences of her actions. Why on earth does she want him back home when she doesn't do the caring or want to pay for the hours it needs? All the effort it took to get him there and he's no sooner settled than she's throwing a strop.

In normal times I'd suggest a holiday so that you are not at the end of a phone, it's just a pity that we can't do that right now.

Doing bugger all sounds like exactly what you need right now Minty. I would milk the stress/risk issues issue for all its worth to give yourself some sort of break.

Looks like we are moving from Dad being on a six week temporary nursing home stay to a permanent placement. Although he's improved somewhat since leaving hospital, his Parkinsons appears to have taken a massive leap forward and he having delusions and hallucinations, as well as being constantly restless, somewhat aggressive and extremely prone to falls. The Home are coping, but only just. I'm trying to get my head around the idea that this isn't a temporary phase but I might well have had my last sensible conversation with him and now all the difficult decisions are definitely down to me.

@AChickenCalledDaal sorry you're having to deal with all that...it's all so bloody relentless isn't it?

I have every intention of bigging up the eye issue...it seems fairly likely it will need more treatment at some point anyway so much better to minimise damage now if I can.

Knot I keep repeating "Well, you're next of kin so that's your decision isn't it?" On a loop, although I have had some fantastic advice and support this afternoon from my cousin's ex wife who works in adult social care (sadly not locally!)

Oof....phone wasn't working properly yesterday so received a voicemail from one of the two senior nurses at the home (SN2) about mum's phonecall/email to then "we thought you you were telling here...we can't have all this again..."

I presume they can't actually kick dad out willy nilly because Mum's being difficult?

Anyway, had a chat with the other senior nurse (SN1) who we've dealt with mostly this morning, explained the situation. She was much more sympathetic and said she realised mum clearly wasn't herself at the moment and that she'd phoned back yesterday, booked a visit for dad's birthday next week and been fine on the phone then.

So hopefully smoothed things over a bit. SN2 is very no nonsense with a touch of battleaxe so she and mum tend to clash, whereas SN1 seems to have a bit more of a handle on the psychology of it all.

Mum is still making dark mumblings about 'that place not being right' and bringing him home, but not until after she's had and recovered from her heart procedure, so hopefully things will calm down and common sense will prevail in the meantime.

Minty That sounds better. It might take careful handling for your mum to save face and back away from an unwise decision without ever admitting that she was wrong but you'll be an old hand at that. Is there a chance of distracting her with haircuts and non-essential shopping? If she has something else to think about it might stop her working herself up over the same thing over and over again. I find choosing paint will fully occupy me for weeks, dragging out the dustsheets is a sign that there's something I really, really don't want to think about.

I have a lot of cousins, I only see them at funerals and have to work out who they are as they aren't 12 any more. "We are such a close family" - no, we're really not mum.

Well the heart procedure is off...apparently she's not mentally well enough for them to safely do it!

I think I might see if we can do a non essential shop and coffee trip next week...if she behaves on Saturday (bribery)! If I can get her out a bit the taste of freedom might put her off being housebound again with caring responsibilities.

Oh and we're definitely not a close family knot.

My cousins are mostly 10-15 years my senior and all over the country but I keep loosely in touch with some via FB. I don't think I've seen the ones mentioned above since my 21st, but we have quite a lot of interaction on SM and seem to get on really well so very much hoping I might be able to visit them later this year...and maybe even have a squish if their first grandbaby who's due any day now .