Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Is it unreasonable to think we have a life too

58 replies

Happyhappy011 · 12/08/2019 21:33

Help!! I really need your honest opinions as I am beginning to think myself and DH are complete horrors. MIL and FIL live about an hour and half drive away. So when visiting it really takes up the whole day as 3 hours in car alone. One SIL lives two and half hours away and the other SIL lives in the doorstep. Myself and DH work 6 days a week each. We are not rich but not poor and have a fairly ok lifestyle due to the fact we work hard (we have to) I sometimes work 7 days a week. MIL wants us to visit every Sunday, our only day off. At the moment we go every other week and have one week where we can lie in, go shopping, lunch, see my parents, our grandchildren etc. MIL also wants DH to take annual leave to visit and makes him feel very guilty. Honestly, should we go every week on our day off? Are we being completely selfish and unloving by wanting some down time and ‘us’ time. Local SIL is unemployed by choice and visits most days but is literally a stones throw away

OP posts:
MaybeitsMaybelline · 13/08/2019 19:29

IMO, firstly you can visit when it suits you. Secondly, just because SIL Limoges on the doorstep doesnt mean she has to step up all the time - from someone who lives two streets away from elderly parents with a DB 200 miles away. Thirdly, relevance of her being unemployed by choice? Is anyone unemployed by choice these days, in the times of sanctions etc?

Do what you can. Don’t expect others to do more just because you are so busy and live away. They are ~just as much DHs parents as his sisters.

Chitarra · 13/08/2019 19:32

YANBU at all. Once a fortnight is still too often IMO.

ineedaholidaynow · 13/08/2019 19:35

Why do they trump your need to see your parents and other family members?

How old are they?

Ihatesundays · 13/08/2019 23:52

The first issue you have here is the misappropriation of money that should be spend on care. SIL doesn’t have the right to complain until this is sorted.
Are the visits for actual help or is it for company?

Whosorrynow · 15/08/2019 21:28

So when they say 'jump' you say 'how high'
Why do you feel you have to obey them, why can't you just say no that doesn't work for us?

Ilady · 16/08/2019 01:36

Your need to tell your sil that you can only visit every 3 weeks. I would also ask her if she is getting DLA or any extra funds towards her parents care? Ask her why is she not using this money towards care for them on a Sunday?
Why does she think you have nothing better to do each Sunday - does she know you both work 6 days a week?
The reality is that you need to stand up to her and tell her no we are not visiting every Sunday.

Weenurse · 16/08/2019 01:45

What do they want you to do when you are there?

Weenurse · 16/08/2019 01:48

Suggest one Sunday with PIL next Sunday with your parents, next Sunday with your Grand children and following Sunday to get your own stuff done. So once a month.

Bookworm4 · 16/08/2019 01:52

If they have a care package it will be every day. I think you’re being nasty about Sil, yes she’s unemployed but she is at their beck & call and likely does plenty. Do you have proof of ‘rinsing’? You sound very bitter, just establish boundaries and stick to them.

TakeTheTemperaure60 · 19/08/2019 03:21

You already phone regularly

Every other week sounds enough

They can request, but you have to look after yourself & other family members too

What would they do, if all their family lived a long distance away ?

Original poster
Happyhappy011 · 19/08/2019 08:09

So just an update! Yesterday was meant to be our weekend ‘off’. We went to visit last Sunday. DH called them as usual around midday just to say hello and ask how everything was. MIL started screaming down the phone asking why wasn’t DH there. He gently explained he had things to do (we are buying a new car and Sunday is our only day to look around and test drive etc). She screamed “I wished I had f*ing things to do”. At which point my DH put the phone down really choked. He didn’t speak to them for the rest of the day. It really is a joke and admittedly DH is a soft touch and needs to be firm but he just can’t or won’t! It seems to petty I know but our Sunday’s are being ruined and they aren’t even nice IL’s. I massively resent them now as it is never nice and always spiteful and argumentative. Just for the record when we do visit it is only to chat really. Yes I put washing on and tidy the kitchen if needed, might change the bed, and pop to shop for fresh milk and paper. But other than that they have Carers and SIL pops in daily as does a friend who lives in the next street. It is purely to “see them”. They have been spoilt by the whole family and actually cannot go a day without a visit. Carers are fantastic but half the time FIL sends them away as he doesn’t like the intrusion . They would cook their meals etc but FIL says “don’t worry our DS will be up later” Angry As it stands DH will visit next Sunday and I will go to collect our new car on my own or later in the day when he returns. Next week he is working 6 days and I am working 7 days!

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 19/08/2019 08:19

Go once a month or every 6 weeks.

Don’t go next Sunday.

You deserve some time to yourselves too.

PurpleWithRed · 19/08/2019 08:26

My PIL live about that distance away. I work part time, DH works 3 or 4 12-hour shifts a week and we have no children at home any more. Their other child lives in California. So we have a lot more time than you, and they have no other family nearby. DFIL has the early stages of dementia, DMIL is a bit creaky.

They would not DREAM of expecting us to go down weekly, and when we do go down or when we sort things out for them they are always delighted and grateful.

Your PIL ABVeryU.

ineedaholidaynow · 19/08/2019 08:28

With an attitude like that I wouldn’t be going to see them for a long time.

ZenNudist · 19/08/2019 08:35

I would give upon seeing them. I know it's hard for your husband but he needs to be saying to them that they are expecting too much he gets one day off a week, he has other things that he has to do as well, he's falling behind on his life admin, he should be allowed to go and collect his car and you couldn't even do that, she had no business swearing at him and screaming at him, the visits will be cut down to once a month , which out of the 3-4 available days that you've got a month is still a significant portion of your free time. If you're so unhappy with a once a month arrangement then it will go down to no times at all. Tell them that you are not going to be made to feel bad for visiting them when you spend all your time calling them.

As a separate issue I think you need to cut down on the amount of time that you work because it sounds excessive. Is there anything you could do to increase your salary so that you don't have to work 6 days? Sounds exhausting.

Soontobe60 · 19/08/2019 08:50

Am I the only one that thinks you actually should visit weekly? You choose to work most of the time, and unless you have a shit paid job or really expensive mortgage I guess you don't actually need to do so. Your in laws cannot work. They are disabled, they cannot get out of the house. Your SIL is actually doing her siblings a huge favour by being there every day for their parents. So criticising her for not working is a bit mean. How would you manage if she worked full time too???
My DH visits his mum at least 3x weekly, which takes up about 2 hours each time. He actually loathes going because she's very hard work. But she's his mum. He's all she's got.
I think that your DH should visit weekly, set off early and return by mid afternoon or set off after lunch and return early evening. You do what you want, they're not your parents and you obviously don't like them.
For those saying visit once a month, house would you feel if your children thought the same about you? If they disliked you so much they hated seeing you? When people age, they don't always turn into sweet old ladies. Dementia can have a massive impact on behaviour. Loneliness and long term disability too.
Try to be a bit less selfish!

FrangipaniBlue · 19/08/2019 08:56

Are you for real @Soontobe60 ?

How are they being selfish by wanting to spend time with their other family members and not devote 100% of their only free time to one set of parents?!

That's a ridiculous statement - are you the unemployed scrounging SIL?

isitjanuary · 19/08/2019 08:58

How would you manage if she worked full time too???

The IL's would have to let the carers do their job.

ineedaholidaynow · 19/08/2019 08:59

Soontobe60 when do you suggest OP and her DH see their DC/DGC and OP’s family?

PullingMySocksUp · 19/08/2019 09:04

I’d probably pretend DH is working seven days a week, just to keep the peace.

I’d think maybe 1 in six of your free days would be a reasonable expectation.

Original poster
Happyhappy011 · 19/08/2019 11:38

Working less I’m not an option. It is part of DH job and he leaves home each day very early. He is up at 4.30 ish and is not home until 5pm ish totally exhausted. He has done this job for over 30 years so he is not about to change job now. Not sure what else he would do tbh. My job is also not that flexible but I absolutely love it! It means being available at short notice and covering for sickness etc. I again do not WANT to do anything else. It is my passion. DH and myself and paid ok but like I said previously we are not rich just like every other average working family. I think you are missing the point with darling SIL. She does choose not to work imo. She has about £1000 a month from IL’s and that is then made up with getting rent paid etc. They could easily get a job but she likes getting up at midday and poodling over the IL’s to pick up a bit of shopping and put their dinner on. The Carers are more than capable of doing everything else so there is actually no need for family to HAVE TO visit so much. Yes it is nice to see family and have chat etc I get that. As for not liking them, you are wrong. I understand you they are elderly etc but I am now resenting them for their behaviour. Well done your DH for being able to visit 3 x weekly. If my DH did that he would leave work at 4.30 and spend 1 1/2 driving there. Sit with them for an hour then drive 1 1/2 hours home. So arriving home at 8.30pm. Time for quick dinner and shower before bed to get up at 4.30am!!!! Are you crazy??? Sorry but you can keep your opinion to yourself, quite frankly it is insulating Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyhappy011 · 19/08/2019 11:39

Soontobe60 My comment above was in reply to you

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 19/08/2019 11:42

@Soontobe60 is clearly thinking ahead and hoping that her children will be happy to Sacrifice their own mental and physical well-being to cater for her various needs and do her bidding

Whosorrynow · 19/08/2019 11:44

If my children dislike me so much they hated seeing me I would have to wonder about what I done to make them hate me

timeisnotaline · 19/08/2019 11:45

Totally reasonable to not want to go weekly. However, unless you will graciously and willingly go weekly to visit, please stop all the nasty comments. You should be grateful she doesn’t have or want a job. Carers aren’t family and horrible as your pil sound Im sure her daily visits make a big difference. Who cares how much they are subsidising her? That is a big fat none of your business.