Is it unreasonable to think we have a life too

[Happyhappy011]

Help!! I really need your honest opinions as I am beginning to think myself and DH are complete horrors. MIL and FIL live about an hour and half drive away. So when visiting it really takes up the whole day as 3 hours in car alone. One SIL lives two and half hours away and the other SIL lives in the doorstep. Myself and DH work 6 days a week each. We are not rich but not poor and have a fairly ok lifestyle due to the fact we work hard (we have to) I sometimes work 7 days a week. MIL wants us to visit every Sunday, our only day off. At the moment we go every other week and have one week where we can lie in, go shopping, lunch, see my parents, our grandchildren etc. MIL also wants DH to take annual leave to visit and makes him feel very guilty. Honestly, should we go every week on our day off? Are we being completely selfish and unloving by wanting some down time and ‘us’ time. Local SIL is unemployed by choice and visits most days but is literally a stones throw away

Your father-in-law sends the carers away because professionals have firm boundaries and will only do what is in the remit of the job, he prefers relatives because he can manipulate and abuse them, make them feel guilty and they have to keep coming back for more.
That's much more gratifying for him than paid carers who do a professional job and won't tolerate abuse.

Whosorrynow or could you not see past that to see that they just want some time to themselves? MIL is like your reaction 'why don't you want to come and see me, why don't you take me out, what have I done' but it's not about her or anything against her, we just have created our own family and like to spend time just us. DH has said his parents didn't wait on his grandparents when he was younger, so why should they expect it now DH has his own young ones? (disclaimer, we see her weekly, she just gets annoyed as to why we didn't invite her if we go out together or cook a Sunday lunch at home)

@QforCucumber, I feel that we have crossed wires (?) apologies if my post was unclear!
I am in support of the OP ....in my view the demands of her in-laws are unreasonable and excessive

@Whosorrynow Always the difficulty with text - can be read so many differing ways :)

This is an interesting point...
DH has said his parents didn't wait on his grandparents when he was younger, so why should they expect it now DH has his own young ones?
Exactly why DO they expect it 😳
Could it be to do with a sense that they are now 'super adults' and the generation below are obliged to honour and obey them?
Perhaps they see themselves as somehow more accomplished and important than their own parents and this is why they feel entitled to this treatment?

Honestly there is no solution to this.

We lived 5 hours from MIL and she just thought DHs life could just stop and he could move in with her and keep her company. She didn’t want to face the reality that he has a job and children etc. She was so wrapped up with how everything effected her she couldn’t see anything else.
I’m sure if we had lived close it would have been different, however there is no work for him there and actually we couldn’t afford to live that close to her.
She was often angry about it, but sometimes your hands are tied. She also would not have moved to where we lived.

Do they own their own home? I know it’s probably impossible but can they move?

I think visiting weekly isn’t really doable for your dh.

But I don’t think the expectation that he use some of his annual leave to visit them
Is that unreasonable. Most people that I know, who live a distance from
Their parents, end up using holiday to
Visit them.

Your father-in-law sends the carers away because professionals have firm boundaries and will only do what is in the remit of the job, he prefers relatives because he can manipulate and abuse them, make them feel guilty and they have to keep coming back for more.
I think that's a bit harsh, certainly as a general statement it's harsh. Professional carers have boundaries on the job, but what is important from the carers point of view (getting person clean and fed) omits things that are important to their sense of well-being - eg having the bed made as they like it, using the cup that they prefer drinking out of, and so on. You can prefer your own family caring for you for reasons that are nothing to do with abuse, and everything to do with having someone around you who knows and loves you and wants to be sure you're as happy as you can be.

Most people that I know, who live a distance from their parents, end up using holiday to visit them. Yes, indeed, I used to do that.