Dad - SIL offered to be his paid carer

[paulfoel]

Brother contacted me. Hes spoken to my Dad and his (soon to be) wife is going to be Dad carer. (She doesn't really have a job).

Worlds stupidest idea if you ask me. Dad doesn't need a carer, he just needs to listen to what people tell him, be a little more flexible, and make an effort.

Of course, my SIL is hoping to get money for this. (Not sure how it'd work whether she could claim carers allowance or something?)

What I KNOW will happen now is he will get even worse. He will now do NOTHING for himself AT ALL. Dad listen to his own hype - if he needs a carer he must be ill. He will get worse and worse. She will turn him into a helpless man-baby.

Of course, lets me off the hook a little but I don't think they've thought this through. I can tell you now that when SIL is on holidays hes going to expect me to fill in as replacement "carer". Not happening.

In all honestly, Dad health is very good for his age. He can walk (with a stick) about half a mile. Not bad for 84. Hes just more interested in making no effort at all. Hes my Dad but I find it a little pathetic to be honest.

But what can I do? They've already offered so hes well up for the idea.....

Honestly, I'm keeping out of it. Washing my hands of it all.

Unless your dad gets a qualifying disability benefit your SIL wouldn't have got carers allowance anyway. I don't know what the answer is; my dad was as stubborn as they come too. I was going to ask if he would consider paying for help, but on reading back realise he wouldn't. That ticks the stubborn-as-my-dad box as well. Good luck - it is a very frustrating situation.

I think he does get a qualifying benefit to be honest - DLA.

Yeh I know I should take a step back. Its hard to do so when you KNOW it could be so much better for him. I need to learn that I can try to help but if he expects miracles to leave him to his own devices.

But I used to jump whenever he wanted. Need milk - I'll pop up. Now I put my own family first. I still visit and I still get him shopping but its when I have time.

They probably realised how paltry the sum of carers allowance is. Also the fact that if they're being paid to do it, everything will fall completely down to them and they would probably never get a break. Working out per hour, a carer probably ends up in minus numbers.

I completely sympathise with your situation though, what's you said about jumping to get the milk, I'm still at the phase and have made myself unwell.

Only we can put those boundaries up and choose how we live. I think it is hell though!!!!

Meg- yeh I know £64 a week isnt much, is it?

Honestly, I was exactly the same before. Im not brilliant now lol. It was endless the requests I had from him to do this that and the other.

With me I had a lightbulb moment one time. I used to do things because I felt sorry from him but began to wonder.
Then he pretty much blackmailed me into doing something that was really, really awkward for me (I'd been in work since 4am or something) by playing the guilt card. BUT he dropped himself in it a few days later by forgetting the "story" he'd told me and it turned out there'd been no need at all. It clicked that he had no consideration AT ALL for my well being if he was willing to play games like this.

You could actually be me. I think the emotional black mail and guilt trips are so much harder to deal with than any practical things. Especially when they're vulnerable. In fact it's almost impossible!

I'm really baffled what world they were living in if they thought being a carer in that capacity would make them money.....

Grace - Honestly my brother and his GF (wife to be) really are the thickest people I've ever met. They seem to live in their own little world to be honest.

Both their facebook feeds are full of "its so infair" and "why does it happen to me". Stuff which is their own fault caused by stupidity.

A few years ago brother almost went to jail for tax evasion. Decided to do self employed contract work but never paid ANY tax. Didnt know he had to (honestly!) then moaned and moaned about how unfair it was that they claim he owed them £20K (£19.5K of which had been spent down the pub).

As you can see I have little sympathy for them....

Meg - yes but its a game with my Dad at least. Hes constantly finding new ways to "make" me visit.

I'd visit anyway which is why it winds me up so much that he blackmails me.

Hes done it all. No food in the house, made up chest pains, made up can't breathe etc etc.

I'm now on my guard all the time to be careful. I do work at weekends sometimes but now I lie a bit. Otherwise, he seems to think any time I've got a day off I should be spending it with him.