Dad - SIL offered to be his paid carer

[paulfoel]

Brother contacted me. Hes spoken to my Dad and his (soon to be) wife is going to be Dad carer. (She doesn't really have a job).

Worlds stupidest idea if you ask me. Dad doesn't need a carer, he just needs to listen to what people tell him, be a little more flexible, and make an effort.

Of course, my SIL is hoping to get money for this. (Not sure how it'd work whether she could claim carers allowance or something?)

What I KNOW will happen now is he will get even worse. He will now do NOTHING for himself AT ALL. Dad listen to his own hype - if he needs a carer he must be ill. He will get worse and worse. She will turn him into a helpless man-baby.

Of course, lets me off the hook a little but I don't think they've thought this through. I can tell you now that when SIL is on holidays hes going to expect me to fill in as replacement "carer". Not happening.

In all honestly, Dad health is very good for his age. He can walk (with a stick) about half a mile. Not bad for 84. Hes just more interested in making no effort at all. Hes my Dad but I find it a little pathetic to be honest.

But what can I do? They've already offered so hes well up for the idea.....

Honestly, I'm keeping out of it. Washing my hands of it all.

Honestly, I'm keeping out of it. Washing my hands of it all. That's all you can do. They're adults, they can make their own decisions. Just be pleased that it lets you off the hook.

Why are you bothered? If it makes him feel safer isn’t that a good thing?

He’s not going to be healthy forever though. It can be quite shocking how quickly older people can deteriorate. It’s probably for the best.

In all honestly, Dad health is very good for his age. He can walk (with a stick) about half a mile. Not bad for 84. Hes just more interested in making no effort at all. Hes my Dad but I find it a little pathetic to be honest.
Perhaps cut your 84 year old dad a bit of slack? Unless there's more to this?

He's 84, he's old and tired, and he thinks how nice it would be to be looked after. He'll also get company (maybe he's a bit lonely). Realistically he's not going to be around for very much longer anyway, so why shouldn't he be lazy in his final years?

so why shouldn't he be lazy in his final years?

Because it is not good for him - or for the OP! My father decided he would behave like this a few years ago, now he can barely walk (it really is a case of use it or lose it when you get to that age). He has hugely swollen legs from sitting all the time, which have ulcerated. He frequently gets stuck on the toilet - and only partly because of his physical health, mostly it is due to his refusal to put in any effort, so he will try once, in a half hearted way, then just sit there and wait for my step mother to try and lift him off, which she often can't as she has arthritis in her shoulders. At this point he starts yelling at her to get one of the neighbours or phone me (I live an hour away) to help him wipe his bottom and get up.

OP you are right to be concerned about yourself and your future. My dad used to say he would never expect us (me and my brother) to look after him when he got old, said he would rather go into a home. Now he thinks it is his God given right that we dance to his tune as often as he wants to play it. But elderly people often get selfish. This does not mean your life should be sacrificial to his though.

OP's life isn't going to be sacrificial to her df's though. The SIL is going to look after him and OP is going to wash her hands of it all.

This gives you an excellent excuse not to dance attendance on your Dad and just keep your visits social. I would leap at this idea if i were you.

I really don’t see your problem with the situation. OP unless there is going to be a massive drip feed. He’s 84 years old, so what if he wants to be cared for and become ‘a helpless man baby’? If your SiL is willing to do that, then that’s her problem. You don’t have to fill in while she is unavailable- if that is your only concern then you are pretty selfish for insisting your father lives his life in the way that suits you, not him.

Are their motives genuine is what I would question? Would db expect to be remembered more favourably in his will for example for being the 'best' offspring now? Carer's allowance isn't just handed out I imagine. But if she gets it then no future hospital /shopping trips being demanded of you.

Thanks all. I'll try and answer:-

Don't get me wrong - if it works out for everyone then brill. I've just seen similar with him over the years where people have helped him, hes taken advantage, been lazy and expected too much, they've bailed and hes been worse off than ever.

Over the years I've done everything to help my Dad. A lot of the time hes so stubborn hes impossible to help.

Brother and SIL don't think things through. I've seen it a hundred times. This is todays bright idea. I know full well that in a few months time she is VERY likely to change her mind and decide she doesn't want to do it any more.

In a few months, Dad will go from coping well on his own (but moaning) to be not bothering to do a thing and letting SIL do it for him. Then if she bails he will expect someone such as me to fill in for her.

Sorry Kintan - I don't find your comments helpful. I have other commitments that does not make me selfish. We've all got our problems I'm sure - my wife walks with crutches and has a long term illness, my teenage son is autistic, I've got 5 year old as well. In an ideal world, I'd devote tons of time to my Dad but he wants it all. This is the real world.

Leotab - my Dad always said this also. All changed now. Similar to me.

April - Well I do wonder. She sort of works part-time sometimes. Thing is they've gone and spoken to Dad and offered before even finding out anything about the carers allowance. I didnt know - but it took me 5 mins to google it. £64 a week and the carer has to do 35 hours a week of caring. I can tell you know they would be thinking its £100s a week and the odd shopping trip. Thing is she lives about a mile away from him anyway and can't drive!

As long as you are 100% prepared to say no to any requests to step in if sil gets bored of this carer role then let them off. Is she qualified in any way? Has she any experience of wiping the backside and showering elderly relatives? Because that is where this will lead to. If she's prepared to and physically able to carry out these tasks then fair play, but make sure she knows what she's getting herself into. As you say he needs to do things for himself. If her being a carer debilitated him and then she gets fed up with him, who is going to step in? Can he afford to pay for private care as by the sounds of it he's not incapacitated enough to warrant full time care from the state.

when I started reading this I thought he might be in his 60s and 70s but 84 ....hmmm maybe YABU, your SIL has a job though whew, taking on an in law in a caring role? Jesus christ she'd better have skin thicker than and elephant and lots of wine

Drum2018 - I've got a feeling she has worked in care many years ago. I do wonder if she has thought where all this is leading as you say.

100% within a week or two of her being a "carer" he will be completely helpless. He tries it on now with GP, hospitals etc - who keep telling him his health is fine.

No chance of him getting care from the state. Hes is really good health for his age. Hes 84. Yes hes got arthritis but he can still walk a good few 100 yards. He can cook, shower, toilet himself no problems. Hes got things like stairlift, modified shower etc (I sorted for him!). Its all an attitude thing with him.

My wifes works pt as a District Nurse (when shes well enough) who visits a lot of old people, in worse health, who really want to try to help themselves. She says you do see the odd one or two like my Dad.

Hes got a fair bit of money. No chance in a million years he will spend it on something like care. At the moment he expects me to do a round trip of over an hour because hes run out of milk because he refuses to allow me to arrange supermarket home delivery.

Can guarantee when SIL and brother go on holiday they will all expect me to fill in.

The carers allowance is about £65 pw but there are other incentives. If you are a working age adult who doesn't want to do paid external work being a carer i think tops up your NI contributions. Also if you have no other income there would be top up benefits and the DWP don't require you to look for work.

It keeps body and soul together but there's not a lot of incentive to do it unless you're between a rock and a hard place - ie with a disabled child.

EXACTLY. I get the feeling SIL hasnt really though about this and just thinks, be like a nice little job for me to get some money for doing it.

If she and your brother live together and have a low income and she wants to be a housewife this is a way for her to do it. It means that they would be able to claim benefits and she wouldn't be pressured into work by the DWP. Do they or she have children?

Absolutely fuming with the pair of idiots who have now backed out of the whole idea. Spoke to Dad last night. They'd told him the other day they were going to do it, he was really pleased, yesterday they made some bullshit excuse why she can't do it after all!

Strangely, shortly after I pointed out that the deal with the government benefit is only £64 a week and its expected 35 hours of caring!

I think she expected two visits a week to do his shopping and several £100s easy money...

Absolutely fuming with both of them. Why on earth come up with stupid ar@e ideas, tell Dad and then back out?

One plus though. Dad did say "yes but even if she can't do it full time, and get money for it, she has said shes got plenty of spare time anyway these days because shes not got much work on. So I asked her if she wouldnt' mind helping out more anyway since shes got the time".

Cheered me up a bit. :-) Backfired a little shall we say....

I think if it’s what works for them both then all you can do is try it. The worst case scenario is it all goes wrong and then you can intervene, but for now just see how it plays out

thigh - no kids. Theyre both late 40s. She has grown up children.

See post above - they were looking for "easy money" I think.

So why are you fuming? You didn't want her to do it anyway! Now he won't get lazy and helpless, he'll have to look after himself and you won't have to help out when she goes on holiday. Result, surely?

Because:-

1. Hes now got the idea in his head that "needs" a carer.
2. Hes put out now because hes been let down.
3. Its obvious that she only planned to do this for the money which is wrong in my eyes.

What Dad needs is for someone to think about what he wants and discuss what everyone can do and is willing to do for him. Also, to see if any problems that arise can be sorted someway or the other.

Hes a nightmare for getting an idea in his head and nothing with then change it. Common sense no longer applies. You can find an easier way to do something and he won;t listen.

This is why half-arsed ideas like this are not a good idea with him. I've seen it 1000 times with him.

paul for your own sanity, I think the time has come for you to back off completely. You're not in a position to give your Dad what he needs, and everything that happens is just making you angry. You're not helping anyone, and it's hurting your own equilibrium.

At the moment he expects me to do a round trip of over an hour because hes run out of milk because he refuses to allow me to arrange supermarket home delivery.

I take it you refuse? He'll have to accept that milk can be delivered if you don't give in to requests like this.