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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dad - not slightest bit interested in grandchildren!

50 replies

paulfoel · 04/01/2019 16:04

In fact, I'd say he actively does not want to bother with them for some reason.

He sees them as an inconvenience that take up my time and prevent him from getting his attention 100% of when he wants.

I visit with my daughter aged 5 and he ignores her. In the past, we've had a huge row because he once said he wanted me to do something for him (nothing major!) and then when he saw she was with me he said "what did you bring her for?".

We're older parents - Im 50. When wife was pregnant he said to us - she was there - "why are you having another kid at your age?", "what are you thinking, they cost money". I think this was the start of it.

My wife doesn't speak to him now and I can't blame her.

Surely its not right to be so preoccupied with yourself and what you want and not be interested in your grandchildren?

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 04/01/2019 16:10

It’s hurtful when your parents don’t care about your children but it is their loss. They will never know the joy a close bond with their grandchild will bring them and they will miss out because of it.
Your DD won’t care because she won’t miss what she never had. You just have to accept it unfortunately.
My dad doesn’t care about his grandkids it’s used to be sad to see my DD trying to get his attention on the rare occasions he bothers to visit. She doesn’t bother now but fortunately she has 3 other sets of GPs who adore her (the advantage of divorced GPs Smile)

Original poster
paulfoel · 04/01/2019 16:34

I just don't understand it why hes like that. All I can think of is that all his energy is focused towards what he wants and what he needs.

My daughter tries with him but hes not interested. Like you, my MIL is brilliant with her.

My wife REALLY has an issue with his behaviour.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 04/01/2019 17:33

I can't speak for your dad but my dad is very selfish and focused only on his needs. He can't really handle the effort required to get to know DD because she can't do anything for him.
It is shit behaviour but it will drive you mad trying to understand or change it. Best just to accept it.

gamerwidow · 04/01/2019 17:35

P.s. I hope it is of some small comfort that it is not only your dad who is like this.

greendale17 · 04/01/2019 17:39

My wife REALLY has an issue with his behaviour.

^Can you blame her? Your father is awful. I wouldn’t take my children around to see him.

whosafraidofabigduckfart · 04/01/2019 17:41

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whosafraidofabigduckfart · 04/01/2019 17:45

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chumbal · 04/01/2019 18:06

My father is selfish & happy to talk & do stuff only he us interested inSad

He starts off all very friendly & chatty but loses interest very quickly & then talks over them & does not listen Angry

Disappointing but that's who he is Confused

Sorry to hear you are experiencing something similar Cake

Lemoneeza · 04/01/2019 18:10

Please stop putting your daughter through the ordeal of his company.

Feel for you, my dad isn't interested in my dd either. He said it's because he doesn't want her to get used to him when he will probably die in the next few years.

Yinv · 04/01/2019 18:12

Don’t take your dd to see him anymore. I’m not surprised your wife has an issue with his behaviour. Just visit him alone occasionally. Why would you allow him around your daughter???

Justthecover · 04/01/2019 18:30

My dad is not interested in my dd’s. Not in a horrible way, he’s just not. He sees them occasionally and he tries for about 2 minutes then just chats with me and dh about himself as that is what he likes doing. He sent my eldest daughter a Christmas card and got her name wrong. He was mortified when he was told and apologised profusely. It was her birthday a week later and on the card he sent he got her age wrong. He was a year out. I won’t be telling him as I don’t think he means to be mean.

You have to just accept it I think. I don’t put myself out for him in any way. I don’t visit him anymore but I let him visit us and occasionally meet him somewhere. I maybe see him 4/5 times a year. I’m sad for my dd’s But they have 2 other grandparents to dote on them so I’m just grateful for that. My dh thinks it’s shocking and thinks I should have it out with him but I know it wouldn’t change anything in the long term.

It is their loss and I think you need to stop expecting him to change as it doesn’t sound like he will and focus on spending time with other people who love your dd.

masterstef · 04/01/2019 18:36

My dad's kind of similar. Only interested for a few minutes before he goes back to reading the Daily Mail. Despite having had 3 children he seems constantly amazed that babies and young children take up lots of time and attention.
He's generally like that, finds it quite difficult to be properly interested in anyone else and can be like a grumpy toddler himself if he hasn't napped or eaten enough!

masterstef · 04/01/2019 18:38

OP out of interest, is he northern?

PippaParty · 04/01/2019 18:54

Yep, my dad too. Preferred to live away and not build relationships. He was like that as a dad too. He is selfish and he comes first. Always has. Very sad!

Except I had to laugh this week. He endured a family Christmas with us and I shared the family photos, on his fb page. He deleted them all only leaving the ones of him! Just what is that about?

Lemoneeza · 04/01/2019 19:08

Bloody hell @PippaParty!

Original poster
paulfoel · 04/01/2019 19:28

Seems a lot of older people like my Dad!

BTW - South Wales valleys...

OP posts:
whosafraidofabigduckfart · 04/01/2019 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PippaParty · 04/01/2019 20:06

It's ok Lemoneeza we are so used to him. He is part of the family in body!

Anyway I called him out on his fb page. Made him a 'special collage' of photos of us all at Christmas and posted that with a message something along the lines of ' oh I thought I had posted the family Christmas photos on here...perhaps not? Here they are again!' 😂😂😂

bumpkinny · 04/01/2019 20:13

My MIL is like this. Shocked the hell out of me when dd who’s first grandchild was born. I stupidly thought MIL might help out but she didn’t. The worst bit is she now helps babysit her neighbours dc and when I brought it up with her she pretended she had offered to help.
We had to pay for help there’s no way in a million years we would have paid if she had helped us. Still we then asked her and she still said no. Unfortunately it is up to them to be involved or not.

bumpkinny · 04/01/2019 20:14

Oh but my MIL is 52 so not sure if it’s as simple as an age related thing...

Grinchly · 05/01/2019 18:54

Not everyone likes children, even those in their own family. I can understand your wife's frustration but I would avoid forcing contact. The children will loathe it anyway.

Grinchly · 05/01/2019 19:00

PS also the self centred ness gets worth with age in my experience. Yes it is possible Shock
Could he be beginning with dementia as well perhaps ? That can affect things too. I do sympathise with the noise issue though, which is one of the reasons why I am child free.

Grinchly · 05/01/2019 19:03

Also he is probably at sea with curent child rearing practices. I'm in my fifties with older parents and was definitely expected to be seen and not heard, as well as taught huge deference to adults.

Original poster
paulfoel · 07/01/2019 11:47

Thing is my parents divorced when I was three. Didnt see much of mother after that. So he brought both me and brother up!

Obviously, I was too young at the time but I have since found out a few things he did. Didnt make the best choices shall we say! It does make me wonder how I got to adulthood.

BUT, I dont expect anything of him but he is completely uninterested.

OP posts:
Joysandsorrows · 08/01/2019 12:27

Feel for you OP. My father is the same, just can’t releate to my kids at all.He was the same when I was growing up. Very distant towards us all. Don’t think he has ever managed a proper conversation with my 6 year. Tbh, my mother isn’t all that great either. She does remember birthdays but has favourite grandchildren.It bothered me in the early years but I don’t care much now. The kids don’t seem to be too bothered either. I guess living a couple of hours away helps. I’m not surprised your wife doesn’t have much to do with him. It’s probably a good thing. Why let the negativity infiltrate your lives.