Dad - not slightest bit interested in grandchildren!

[paulfoel]

In fact, I'd say he actively does not want to bother with them for some reason.

He sees them as an inconvenience that take up my time and prevent him from getting his attention 100% of when he wants.

I visit with my daughter aged 5 and he ignores her. In the past, we've had a huge row because he once said he wanted me to do something for him (nothing major!) and then when he saw she was with me he said "what did you bring her for?".

We're older parents - Im 50. When wife was pregnant he said to us - she was there - "why are you having another kid at your age?", "what are you thinking, they cost money". I think this was the start of it.

My wife doesn't speak to him now and I can't blame her.

Surely its not right to be so preoccupied with yourself and what you want and not be interested in your grandchildren?

Joys,

Yes its very strange. I don't understand it at all. But hey ho. Surely as you get older you'd be really interested in your grandchildren?

Thing is hes so obsessed with himself and what he needs. Thats the problem. When I visit its all ME, ME, ME and I WANT, I WANT, I WANT, and CAN U DO THIS, CAN U DO THAT.

He seems to feel hes got to get it all out when I visit and theres no time for anything else. Like I said he'll ask how I am but you can tell hes not interested. I can say I've really had a bad time with this, that etc. and he'll basically say "aw thats bad" "So when are you doing this for me".

I should record it sometime and put it on youtube!

Hi again Paul

Older people - even the really well adjusted ones - generally just get more and more self centred as their abilities decrease and their worlds get smaller.

For those with small worlds and massive self centred ness to start with it just gets worse.

I do understand your frustration though and I'd say it's something more usually experienced by women than men. I'm glad you are shielding your wife.

It is a thankless task to step over the threshold after a long journey and just be confronted with a list ( usually written in my case) of problems to solve and paperwork to deal with, and never a coffee offered or a question asking about yourself, or if there is, it's turned back on them.

The trick is to stop expecting it to be any different. I have been struggling with this for many years and sometimes it is like water off a duck's back, others it really bites.

Apply lots of Teflon

Just stop the visits. It's just a waste of your valuable time that could be spent doing stuff with your DD.

Some massive generalisations about elderly people on this thread. My dad is 90 and the most caring, generous loving grandfather. He is the absolute opposite of self centred.

Sorry LJ Dorothy. I did say 'generally'.
My late Dad wasn't like that either. I run a support group and hear some many instances where it is the case.
Thanks for reminding me.

So many instances

Thanks all. It seems I'm not alone.
Yes Dad has always been selfcentered if Im honest. And hes always been a bit of a martyr too. Thowing wobblers when someone wont do something he wants.

I know hes not going to change but he really has done it all the last 10 years in terms of bad behaviour. He constantly surprises me with the tricks he will pull to get his own way.

Paul, he sounds like he is a well established manipulator My DM is a strange one, her life is so full she doesn’t have time for any of her family. When you contact her you she makes you feel like you are annoying her! My DF is the opposite, his life is so small in comparison but he doesn’t want you bothering him either. It’s so strange. I’m sure there are lovely elderly people out there but sadly it seems to be a common problem for a lot of people. For what it’s worth you sound like a lovely person & maybe that’s the problem. Your DF knows you’ll help him regardless !!

Yep me too, walk in the door from work, he’ll have popped in, will thrust a bunch of paperwork at me. Or immediately regale me with the intimate tales of strangers lives before I’ve even got my coat off. I really resent it.

We also had an incident that left me and the children in dire straits, scrabbling around for the basics - food, water, shelter. I also got “oh dear, goodness I’ll have to sit down after you telling me that, let’s have a cup of tea, now I’m running a bit low on milk...”

You’re not alone.

mascar - yep had this yesterday. Had massive water leak in house, engineer there till midnight. Phoning people, running around etc.

Phoned him 9am this morning (I had promised to visit yesterday). All I got was "oh I'm a bit short on milk, and was hoping you'd have popped up".

It’s so gaaaaaah isn’t it. They lose the ability to distinguish between an actual crisis and a minor easily resolvable issue. Both merit the same level of concern (in fact I think the milk takes precedence for my parent!). I still find it hurtful,
and I actually find it hard not to be sarcastic back, which I know is not good but bloody hell its frustrating. It is going to take me a long time to grow the necessary Teflon shoulders.

I feel like I am already grieving who he was and the good times we had. Back in the days not so long ago, it was better. Back when I didn’t receive texts while at work telling me about the dentist’ receptionists’ daughters boyfriends cousins haemorrhoids that were treated last year . He couldn’t tell you my job title or friends names, but “his old neighbours sons girlfriend has changed job to that new place down the road, you know what it’s called, the one with the slatted roof, you know, you know, you know the one”. Gaaaaah!

Yep with my Dad thats exactly it. Thats why I think he doesnt bother with the grandchildren - hes not got the time because of all the "important" stuff hes got to deal with.

I remember once sorting a new carpet for him. The guy came out, problem because of the doors (i.e. new carpet was thicker). Basically meant I had to sort someone out to saw a bit off the doors then they could come back and fit the carpet. He had a meltdown, was telling me how he'd had enough, couldn't cope, whole experience was making him worry and ill. This was ONE thing that was sorted next day, and I was the one who sorted it anyway, all he had to do was open the door when the people turned up! (I had to do all the sorting whilst in work, juggling work, childcare and sorting this issue out!).

Worse thing with him sometimes, as I've said on other threads, is his stubborness sometimes.He'll get an idea that something is REALLY important but its got to be solved HIS way or no way. God forbid you offer an alternative solution. Don;t get me started on his refusal to go with home shopping - he'd rather I drive 50 mile round trip to get the milk!

My mum was like this. She went into a deep depression when the grandchildren started arriving. After that she never had any interest and visiting her with any of the kids was painful.

She was a good mum to us but definitely narcissistic and very much wanted to be at the centre of things. My theory is that she was unable to adapt to the shift in her role when grandchildren came along.

It had a big negative impact on my whole family including my dad who was very much more engaged (or wanted to be, anyway). It is difficult to forgive her in some ways.

I’m sorry you are going through this and I wish I could suggest something that would help. Best wishes to you.

OP out of interest, is he northern?

Why?

He sounds an awful selfish old man. Not normal at all, but equally not unusual. Just a relic from the past. Do you ever wonder why your mother divorced him? He must have been hell to live with.

My mother told me when I was about 12 that she didn't want to be a grandmother. I'm now 35. She shows some interest but has never looked after him or done anything with him, unless it was something she wanted to do anyway. She also buys him totally inappropriate presents (clothes that are miles too big (like 5 years apart) or books that are either far too complex or too easy (he's 5 and that annoying age!)).

You can't force them to be involved. Says much more about them I like to think. X

Posh - Hes been divorced twice. I'd always thought it was never his fault but as I get older and see him sometimes I do wonder if thats just him.

I hear things about what he did when we were kids and think "Jeez seriously?" Some of the things he did (again stubborness and refusal to listen to anyone else) I wonder how I survived childhood.

When we were younger he moved us into a council house on a REALLY rough council estate. All because he "didn't want to get into debt with a mortgage". WTF! Turns out all the family told him to get a decent house close to them so they could help but he refused. He used to get family up to babysit us while he went to work (it was a long walk or bus journey for some of them) but as I've seen with Dad if he can get someone to do something for him he cares little about the inconvenience for them.

He refused to get a washing machine back then too. Used to carry suitcases of washing to his mothers 2 miles away. Crazy.

Wow surprised hes not the only one then!

Visited him yesterday. Wants me to take time off work to take him to optician appointment. Its literally 500 yards to opticians from his house. 15 miles for me to drive from work (so that'd be a 90 min round trip in my lunchtime).

So I gave him two options:-

1. Use his mobility scooter I bought him.

(answer: don't want to and I can't take it in the shop with me). [I'm betting you can]

1. Get a taxi. I'll pay for it as well.

(answer: not wasting money on a taxi). [yeh but its ok for me to drive 30 milesround trip]

He refused to get a washing machine back then too We have a family story, that we had no washing machine until Mum had flu, and Dad found himself washing nappies for a week. Washing machine was delivered next day.

I should have taken note. Dad is now very much as you described - it has to be his solution. Though happily his focus is different - he'll take taxis to save me trouble (and be independent). But a grab rail in the bedroom is no good - what he needs is to bolt the wardrobe to the wall so he can use the knob as a "grab rail"!

MereD - Tell me about it. Dad has spent a lifetime of letting someone else do it for him. If he can get someone else to do it he will make no effort himself. He will latch on when someone does something and then thats it - its their job for life.

When he moved into his flat he was late 50s. So not old. Refused to get washing machine. Womans job and he couldnt work it. (He seriously said this). Of course as soon as his older sister offered to do his washing I was scuppered - there was no way he was going to put himself out. Cheers Auntie. Of course, shes in her 90s now and no longer capable but, in his eyes, "someone" has to do his washing now. I've point blank refused (he oftens asks me to ask my wife - yep its still "womens work").

Ironically, hes got Sky TV. He cooks for himself. Fine with both. Because hes GOT NO CHOICE. Give him a choice and he just won't bother.

Bought him a mobility scooter. Hardly uses it. Says he can't do it. Because he can get someone to mollycoddle him and do things for him.

Yep his solution always. Need some shopping or even just a pint of milk. He wants me to drive an hour round trip to do it for him. Home shopping nope...

He will believe every word his stupid friends say (who are as bad as him) but wont listen to a word I say.

Hes not in the slightest bit interested in being independent. I've said before I'm sure he actually likes getting people to do things for him.

paulfoel see if you can channel the anger coming through in your posts into whatever armour you need to stay firm and say "no". "I'm sorry Dad, I can't come round and do your shopping today, I could do it next Tuesday. Or you could set up home shopping. That's all I can suggest, maybe you have another solution".

I know he's your Dad, and it's easy to feel you "should" look after him. You need to find the strength to banish those feelings. You'll know from dealing with children that there are times when you feel like giving in for the sake of a quiet life, but you have to think "Am I happy for this to happen again and again in the future?" and perhaps decide it's worth saying "no" and putting up with the consequences. Same with your father. Every time you do an hour's round trip for milk, you make it more likely he'll expect the same in the future.

I find it helps not to give reasons, just say things like "no I can't do that", or "I can't do that today". And just repeat, no matter how much he says "well, why can't you do it?".

Im getting better. He tries it on now, I offer a solution and let him sulk. He can get quite nasty sometimes.

This weekend was a classic and I did lose it a bit with him. I was going to visit anyway. Wife was working. So I said I'll take 5 year old daughter to park and be up about 4pm.

He was in all day so time didnt matter to him. Wanted me there at 2pm for some reason. I said "no Dad I've promised to take DD to the park". His response "I'd rather you come at 2pm, you'll have to tell DD she can't go to the park and you'll go another time".

In the end told him, if he was going to be mean I'd speak to him when he was in a better mood. So I didn't visit at all.

Afterwards, I was thinking - are you kidding me? How damn selfish can you get?

I said "no Dad I've promised to take DD to the park". There was your mistake! Always best to give as little info as possible "I'm sorry, I can't get there before 4, I have a commitment which I cannot change".

MereD - maybe you're right. Whatever I say he wants to know why this, why that etc. (The saying we use locally is "wants to know the ins and outs of a cats a@se")

He honestly does think I need to run my plans past him for justification.

good that you didn't visit

you probably need to do that more often.