The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

Welcome to the thread shivering. Feel free to say whatever you want to here, there is no judgement made, just empathy, support and virtual hand holds (and virtual gin).

When you are feeling overhwhelmed, take a step or two back. Go for a walk if you can, or sit and have a coffee. Then regroup. You are no used to anyone if running on empty.

Maddywest yes my mum does sound similar –and thank you for your experience. My concern is that on good days she is very capable but they are becoming few and far between. She has refused respite care for the time being she was due to go in tomorrow.

Yolofish my Mum has been widowed for 30 years so I have had the low mood pretty much from then but when she was more active I seemed to get more or a break as she spread the misery around a bit. She can not take antidepressants as she seems to get every side effect under the sun unfortunately but the Dr is pushing her to try again. It is reassuring to hear your views and although not cheerful it does help – thank you!

Jace really hope you can get a few days away to recharge

Shivering I am a newbie but already have had good advice and support from this thread – I am so sorry you have so much to deal with. Your situation sounds emotionally and physically exhausting. I agree give yourself time out – time to stop thinking and to just slow down. Easy to say but hard to do

Is attendance allowance easy to claim?

Evening all.
yolo so glad you are getting away! Enjoy. Glad things are ok with your friend.
shivering welcome- plenty of suppport and wisdom here.
jace hope you can get a bit of down time. Please make it a priority.
Hope everyone else is doing ok- nota, grace, cockroach and 🍷🍷to all.

Ooh detox attendance allowance- request forms by post as payments will be from the date stamp on the form- a tip I got from a mnetter😉😉 you can download them for a draft. Do seek help from age uk or carers uk- they know how to fill these in. Fill them in for dm at her worst.

Just having a gentle wail. We've all gone down with flu - well, I know it's not flu, but it's a cold with a cough that has completely pole-axed us. I have barely slept or eaten for the last 5 days, and when my GP rang me this morning it threw me - first I couldn't remember who he was, then I couldn't remember why I'd asked him to ring me ...

Then I dragged myself down to my father's for an arranged home visit by the mental health doctor. When he hadn't turned up half an hour after the appointment time, I rang his office, got his secretary (that in itself is an achievement), and he rang back 10 mins later to say sorry, his secretary hadn't added it to his calendar. So I explained to him at length in minute detail a) how surprised I was, since I'd rung several times to make sure the appointment was going ahead (afraid two hospital stays might have muddied the water), most recently yesterday, when the secretary had promised to get him to ring me back, b) the impact on other people, not least unnecessarily exposing my father to my germs.

Then I came back home and went back to bed.

Oh dint I am so sorry. Sending hugs and lemsip. 🌺🌺

I've posted about DM before, she has a dual diagnosis of Alzheimer's and vascular dementia alongside other issues. Her behaviour is becoming steadily worse, she gave the carers notice to quit earlier in the week, today they have quit with immediate effect. They are not prepared to cope with her aggression.

What happens now? I've run out of solutions. Thank you for letting me vent.

wind oh heavens! Is emergency social services adult care the next call? Sounds like she might need nursing care. The contac5 numbe4 should be on the count6 council website- vulnerable adult? Good luck.

I'll look that number up, thanks

Radio 4 You and Yours today had a section on LAs taking a firm line on "deprivation of assets". They heard from the family of a 97 year old who needed financial assistance to continue in a care home, and the LA were putting a lot of pressure on the family about what they saw as inappropriate spending, money which should have been saved to avoid a need for LA contribution. Items included:

When 97 year old was still at home, making changes to her kitchen to allow her to stay at home longer

Installing a stairlift

Allowing the 97 year to continue giving Christmas and Birthday presents to grandchildren

Moving her to care home which was not at rock bottom price.

LA Ombudsman was clear the LA were being unreasonable, but the family had months of stress and harassment. It's very worth listening to what he had to say - first item on the link below:
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0001yg5

Dint, that's shocking

bit worried about something, might be being silly

mum is normally a good driver

today she had a tiny knock while reversing, no damage to the other parked car

what worried me was that I felt she was reversing differently than usual - I noticed it just before the knock

she's cross with me for worrying and has pointed out that this has never happened to her before. Maybe I am over worrying....

Start recording things. If it becomes a pattern, get her to book some refresher lessons (worth doing anyway because conditions on the road have changed so much)

Good advice from dint - a friend in her 70s has done this and it helped her a lot.

Advice please!
After suffering a wrist fracture, UTIs and low electrolytes followed by a month in hospital, Dm (91) has been in intermediate care in a care home for 4 weeks with another 2 weeks to go. The care (so I found out today) is managed by the Integrated Care Team at the hospital, and is being paid for by the NHS.
Dm was functioning independently in early November, but is now suffering episodes of delirium - paranoia, delusions, etc. Between these episodes, she is talking fairly normally (although we found out the other day that she hides delusions from me, as 'I don't believe her').
We are anxious about her release from the home, as she lives in an annexe in our house. The Integrated Care Team are meant to be contacting us to arrange a care package, but I have no idea of what I should be asking for. It's very difficult to predict how she will react to life at home, and how much she'll be able to do.
The care home has suggested I look for a local care home over the next couple of weeks and 'book' a place, just in case everything goes wrong. Has anyone ever done this? If so, how long, in your experience, have the care homes held the place for?
I have no idea where we're going with this. Anyone been through it?

Sorry to hear this, gut. The team should be able to advise- otherwise try age uk or carers association. Does your dm have a social worker?
There should be an assessment before discharge- and ot assessments of the house etc. An extra few weeks in respite might be a good idea- could she stay where she is and pay ? It could give you breathing space.
cockroach all.

Dint thank you, I will keep an eye

she did also point out that if she was 40 rather than 80, I wouldn't be worrying. She is a good driver generally. One neighbour here (am with mum today) has stopped using the smaller local supermarket because she's had a few prangs in the car park as she thinks it's too tight and she's about my age. Mum also does quite tight parking when she picks me up/drops me off at the station so perhaps it's all just part of my general stressy mode.

gut I would guess that a care package would involve a home assessment, x number of carer visits a day. is your mum self funding? I had to look at homes at short notice for dad, the larger ones in the were quite confident of having space but if it was temporary, they wanted the money up front. for permanent, they asked to see 2 years proof of funds.

Gut Not all care homes will be exactly the same. I have experience of trying to reserve rooms in five. A lot will depend on the capacity they are operating at and if any wait lists. The two most expensive and profit orientated (same owners) wanted funds and contracts drawn up within 48 hours of shaking hands. In one instance even though my mum would have been three weeks from entering they wanted the room paid at full rate with no discounts for non taken meals or care. We didn't sign for the first one but did spend seven months in the 2nd one. Two others - which were not full- kept the room reserved until DM was ready and no up front payment. Interestingly another place which we had been on a wait list for four months found a room for us the day we took our name off the wait list. Sorry to hear about the wrist calamity. Sadly mum's dementia meant she unpicked three plaster casts but as she was detained in a mental health ward when it happened, she was able to get wheeled to another part of the hospital for replacement casts. Hugely stressful for her and you. Have also had hip broken twice.

Grace
Yes, self-funding, which I think means she isn't going to be assigned a social worker (?) I hope to have a home assessment while she's still under the auspices of the hospital.
I have been advised to book respite to start with, so I'm not signing a contract immediately. I think this is good advice (from the current care home).

sandwich
No social worker (see above!). What community professional help should I expect in this situation if self-funding? Community nurse? Doctor? Not really sure who exists (IYSWIM!!!) We were promised assessment by the falls team 3 times when she was in hospital, and never heard a peep out of them.

Bit of a problem staying where she is as she hates it - she was very upset today and was it was difficult to distract her. She had also packed up all her things and moved them all to the communal lounge today, ready to get in the car. She's accusing them of all sorts of things (ECT, setting mountain lions on her, etc, etc) It was the same in the hospital, and my fear is that when she gets home we will be the scapegoats and the target of her paranoia.
Maybe we just have to accept that she will be unhappy wherever she goes?

Should I ask if she can be put on long-term antibiotics to help stave off any further UTIs?
She's also got cellulitis (and weeping skin) in one of her legs that she's had MORE antibiotics for, and today that looked as if it was flaring up again.

It's a good idea to contact Age UK. I'll do that tomorrow.

Oh God! What a mess. My 80 year old mother, who had a stroke in October, was drinking vodka martinis in front of DS(15) at 5 pm on an empty stomach. DS had been staying with her to help her while my stepdad was away but after drinking, she turned on DS and basically threw him out, saying he was of no damner use to her. DS is very upset and hurt.

gut as you say she may well be unhappy wherever she is. Very tough to deal with.
Check your county council website for adult social services contact number- they should beable to advise re should she have a social worker etc. And about other advice/ help available.
As other have said up thread, make notes, record names etc .... good luck.

shivering, that's awful.

hope everyone's doing okay.

*@thesandwich

does your mother live with you? Sorry if you mentioned this already.

Hi grace nooooooo..... 5 mins walk up the road in a bungalow.

Thanks for all your advice. I'm on the case!

oh I see sandwich

gut hope it goes well.