The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

Hi all, hope you are surviving the onslaught of your oldies. Had a lovely 3 days away, gorgeous food/wine/weather etc but back to earth with a crash now. DH not particularly well - first oncology appt on Tues - and DB has changed his mind about the stuff he said he would take from mum's house. now I am charged with selling quite a lot of it and splitting the proceeds. that's all very well, but its yet more bloody work for me. will just have to be brutal about it... and if we end up paying for house clearance then we split the cost too. bah. cockroach one and all and sorry for not catching up properly.

Hi yolo so pleased to hear you had a lovely few days. No one deserves that more than you and your dh.sorry to hear he’s not well- hope Tuesday brings some progress and a plan.
Your dB is a prize s@#£. Put yourself and dh first.
cockroach

yolo

tell your brother you will give it to charity. I bet then he'll crack on and sell it. hope DH is okay on Tuesday

DF continues to improve slightly
I’ve booked 3 days away in February
Now worrying more about DM whose memory and cognitive ability is worsening - I still think she can cope ok but DB disagrees and I think will disempower her further before it is needed
Whilst I have an ok relationship with DB we are very different in personality and the way we approach things - at the moment I feel like I’m doing more than my share which doesn’t help
I haven’t got the energy to challenge things at moment
Any suggestions for trying to improve DF care in current nursing home without winding staff up
At lot of it’s small stuff like they tuck him up in bed, where he goes into compliant mode, if they leave his hands free he seems much happier
Because he’s NSG tube fed I don’t think they make as much effort as they could to improve his swallowing reflux and rehab team said to try and help him self feed which I’m pretty sure they don’t do
He’s safe and well cared for but not getting the opportunity to improve

random query

mum is after some warm corduroy trousers with elastic waist, I can't think how to describe them apart from being the very thick old fashioned kind - she shivers even in 20C at the moment!

she has lost a shocking amount of weight and hers are literally falling off!! Any ideas where I can get some? her usual catalogue - she likes catalogues and will not be happy if I order them online - doesn't have them at the mo. I think that's Damart.

Hi Jace- sorry I can’t help much with your queries- just repeat the look after yourself query.
Corduroy trousers- much more my specialist subject( for dm- not me I hasten to add) have you looked at Edinburgh wool mill? They do quite a lot- m and s sometimes do as well.
🌺🌺all.

Or try lands end?

Jace. it’s all about ‘tone’. We have a little message board in DM’s room which is half cork, half white board. Think back to primary school wall charts. We have large grinning photos of my late DF which are cut out. Then on bits of plain thick paper we have cut out speech bubbles x6. Inside are instructions like Take your medicine, Brush your teeth, it’s shower time etc When my mum is difficult the staff change the message and say FortySix Dad wants you to do this. There are little drawing pins to pin message up and empty bubbles left for new instructions.For the whiteboard part we have little back and forward messages with staff. The messages are light hearted but give scope to gently remind. “ DM keeps scratching head. Likely to scratch major cavity. Can you watch out before she tunnels through to brains” They will write up if she needs deodorant etc. We also send good wishes and stamina to night staff as DM stays up through small hours. Or we apologise if we have spilled cake crumbs. May not work for your specific circumstances but you could modify to suit.

Sad news today. My dad's 97yo brother died yesterday. Neither of my parents drive and he lived a long way away so I've offered to take them if dad is up to the trip. Doubt my golden brother will offer.

countrygirl sorry to hear that

sandwich thank you.

Hello. Have been lurking on this thread. A bit teary at the moment. Felt quite alone in dealing with this rubbish and now know that there are too many people dealing with this daily.
I've been looking after mum after a bowel cancer diagnosis since the summer. She's had surgery and chemotherapy but has now suffered a massive stroke (been hospitalised for seven weeks now).
Don't know what the prognosis is likely to be but fear a nursing home is her only option.
She has given up and is currently refusing to eat. Now weighs about 6.5 stone when she is normally 8.5.
She's seeing a mental health nurse who is fab and us three siblings see her daily but not sure what else to do.
We're organising lasting power of attorney in case capacity fails but at the moment she is compos mentis and begging us to go down the Dignitas route( she's been told no one can assist her suicide).
Lots of great advice here. Thank you.

Finfintytint so sorry to hear this. If a hug from a stranger is any good, consider yourself hugged!

Finfintytint Your poor Mum. I've had 3 relatives/friends go to bowel cancer, and they all seemed to go very quickly, which was a blessing. My Mum and, 30 years later, her best friend, both took the fed up of life/stop eating route. I'm not sure which comes first, whether the person decides they've had enough and stops eating, or whether their body starts to pack up and they no longer wish to eat. I wish we hadn't spent so much of Mum's later weeks encouraging her to drink high protein drinks which she hated, and more time just trying to let her enjoy, or at least tolerate, what she could.

Hi Grace 212 you could try cotton traders for corduroy trousers with elasticated waist though not sure how warm they are. My Mum shopped with them and damart so I think may have had similar taste.

www.cottontraders.com/women/trousers-and-shorts/stretch-cord-trousers/AC13519.html?cgid=womens-trousers-shorts#cgid=womens-trousers-shorts&start=61&list=product+list&p=58

Thank you both (am hugged). The protein drinks feature but are not well received. Ive taken in snacks which I think she will enjoy- a bit of hoummus, feta, avocado and pear (previously enjoyed) but she has little interest. She is concerned about forced feeding! Ive said this will not happen but she thinks she is consigned to slowly starving to death by her own design. Yes, but it may take months and it won’t be pretty.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I wish she’d refused the chemotherapy and maybe had another year or so rather than than the prison that stroke is.

Finfintytint and Country girl, sorry didn’t mean to galumph on about cords when you are having such hard times.

No, cotton traders and Damart are valid contributions

It is a nice illustration of this thread, how cancer, Damart and strokes get discussed in the same breath almost.

I went to visit DM today and spent ages wrestling with a bird feeder that I bought her for Xmas. Then decided to read the instructions when I realised I didn't know what I was doing. Then I didn't know how to follow the bloody diagram - don't mark B is there is nothing in the million pieces to indicate which one is B. So sort of gave up after half an hour in the cold.

Came back in the house to DM asking if I could look at her leg. I'm no medic, but having been round this track many times before, I reckon it was cellilius. Phoned 111 who said they would have a Dr call back. Knowing how long these things take, I came home to get some stuff done knowing I may end up in A&E tonight. Still no call though, but a part of me is thinking DM will forget what she's been told, or try and make her own way to the Dr tomorrow.

Cockroach all.

Does anyone feel utterly crap at wishing an untimely death upon their loved ones just to save them from misery? I’m a crap human when I think about this.

thanks for the other cords suggestions

yes, this thread is like "corduroy and beyooooooooooooond"

notaflyingmonkey oh dear, I hope it works out okay

Fin no, not at all. When the hospice said they couldn't work out if dad had days or hours to live, I knew hours would be better. There is a level of suffering that's scary to even contemplate. I did have some guilt thinking that he was the one suffering and yet I was internally whining...but watching a loved one suffer is appalling

Just want this to end for her.

Fin yep. I totally get that.

I kept hearing "What Sarah Said" in my head, sitting by dad. Don't look that up if you are not ready! At times it was comforting, other times I couldn't believe the misery.

Not up for that just yet. Though can guess what it means. Been with others professionally at time of death but sudden and unexpected so a bit different to mum’s.

Fin you are not alone, my Mum has no quality of life and begged to be ‘switched off’ in the summer yet in spite of palliative care only, she is still with us six months later. I still wonder if I should’ve refused treatment for her when she had her first bad fall three years ago but I suspect they would’ve treated her anyway. It feels so wrong to want an end but realistically it’s inevitable and everyday must be torture for her.

Paroxetine if you don't mind me asking, what was the treatment after the fall?