The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

yes I think you are right dint. However, Attendance Allowance is not affected by income, my DM got higher rate, and you can use AA for whatever you want - cleaner and gardener and taxis in DM's case. So worth checking your oldie is getting all the AA available, DM got higher rate. But you have to be meticulous in the formfilling, and present worst case scenario at every stage of the form - ie, not they can walk 20m unaided on a good day, but can only walk 2m without aids etc etc.

Hello, I hope you don't mind me joining you. My mum is 64 and not in the best of health, physically or mentally and as her only child and her being divorced with no other relationship it all falls to me to support her. I don't begrudge helping at all but I've got a young baby, full time job and all the normal life admin to do that I feel like I do everything a bit shit because I can split my time between everyone who needs/wants me. I have a very supportive husband who helps me but it's the mental load I'm struggling with.

I've got my mum to move to a smaller property in a retirement complex so that's helping a bit.

Sorry for the ramble, I just came across the thread and had a brain dump.

Yolo i didn't know AA was not a flat rate? M&D both get £220 pcm, is there another rate?

Hi there, the financial side of things is complex and ss now have a team designated for this in each borough; if you have savings at a certain threshold or over, not sure for this tax year, you will be seen as a full funder or self funder, but as said before, if you do purchase via ss you might get a better hourly rate as paying their rate, rather than the commercial private rate - home care can be very expensive whereas a cleaning, bits and bobs company is much lower - houses are only ever looked at as collateral if needing long term care i.e. the person will be leaving the property and not living there, so no-one should have their house assessed as finance/income if staying at home - if, under the threshold, you will pay a contribution for the care , but at different percentages depending on how near that threshold you are...….however, some ss will have a cap on what people might pay a week because they have certain care needs and unwell - another scenario, if on income support/pension credit/pip/jsa they should not have savings over this threshold amount either, and why they are on benefits, and again might have to pay a percentage contribution based on their savings and benefit amount/type of benefit they are on i.e. with council tax benefit the bill is paid but will be based on their whole assessment - I always urge people if married, partnered to have separate bank accounts too so thresholds are kept low e.g. a joint account could have 40,000 plus but actually under the threshold if split between the two parties iyswim :)hope this helps

thigh I cant remember the figures, but there is DEF a higher rate - might be worth looking into?

rabbity hello and welcome, sorry you have to join us... if anyone says cockroach it is a general expression of cheers - stems from my now dead DM being asked to name a small animal with a hard back in a 'meet the animals' session in the care home she lasted 2 nights in before falling over again. She couldnt, and my DB helpfully suggested 'cockroach'. I realise that sounds totally random and mad.

aa has different rates for care and mobility - the citizen advice bureau have a great page about this benefit, and it isn't means tested - if you care for a parent who receives aa you might be able to access carers allowance too - love the cockroach explanation - I don't know what I would have said either if asked this...….

www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/what-youll-get Gives details but sounds like the lower rate thigh . I got help from carers association to complete the forms and sounds like your dp are far more needy than my dm who got the higher rate.rabbity welcome- vent away here.
yolo sorry to hear about your dh. Hope he is soongetting treatment that helps.
cockroach all.

Cross posted! 🍷🍷🌺🌺

Rabbity welcome along, hope we can support you.

Yolo sorry to hear that. I sometimes get a bug that I call the temperature bug, because a high fever is the only issue. It's weird. Thanks for clarifying that re SS, that makes more sense now.

Welcome Rabbity to an exclusive club that nobody wants to join. My advice, FWIW, is remember you are her daughter and not her carer. So while you can, get your ducks in a row. Apply for Attendance Allowance if she doesn't already get it, and use it for things that you can outsource eg gardener, cleaner, someone to take her to appointments. I wish I'd done it sooner. My mum was 90 last year and still going strong, so at 64 your mum could have many more years left in her.

I have looked at attendance allowance and am quite confused

my mum doesn't have a disability, she does have a heart condition though. I'm guessing that means she can't claim any AA? She can drive, walk a half mile or so, carry a laundry basket up and down stairs etc, cook, etc etc.

she can do light dusting but has a cleaner in for most of it - just once a week. Everything I can see online would suggest she's not entitled to it...

grace you need to look at it the other way around - you need to maximise what she cant do, and minimise what she can. (I know that sounds awful, but DB was in mental health for almost 40 years, and knows the tricks to get the money, he managed to do it for my really rather well off mum). So eg, can walk half a mile - can she do it on a regular basis, does she need to stop and catch breath, does she need assistance, if that's on a good day think what she is like on her absolute worst day. 'can do light dusting' = means a cleaner to enable her to keep the house straight.

Ladies, I need to dump some stuff, and I know this isnt the right place (as nothing to do with oldies) but I trust you lot...

Feb 2016 my best friend's daughter died, aged 19. Oct 2016 we set up a charity in the daughter's name to raise money for research into glioblastoma (brain cancer). In just over 2 years we have raised over £180k, funded a researcher for 5 years and put a 'down payment' on another huge project. Friend, her son and I are the only trustees, we take no salaries, pay all costs ourselves so every penny we raise goes directly into research at a major London hospital. All good, we are happy with what we are doing. I am the business brain if you like, I do the PR, I understand something of how charities run and I know how to make things happen. She and son are very good at doing what I tell them in terms of media stuff, but they don't 'do' unless I make shit happen. I dont mind that, I dont ever want to be centre stage.

Here's the BUT... as you all know, I've had a shit year, dog died, 2 rabbits died, fox got my last remaining chickens, mum died, and now DH has stage 3 cancer. The last 6 months have been nothing but crisis management for me, but I've managed to keep working, keep doing the charity stuff.

Friend is constantly saying will I do this, will I do that, can I do it now/tomorrow etc. But I literally just cant - I mean, I promise, but as well as all the above, I have a house, a dog, adult kids who need stuff, sorting out DM's will and house, all that life stuff etc etc etc. When I have a few minutes down time I literally dont have the energy at the moment, and if I do I should be focussing it on paid work.

Next week is an example, DD2 back to uni Mon 8 hour round trip drive away, DH prob not well enough; I have a mammogram Tues, away Weds-Fri, DD1 back from skiing Sat am. I will literally NOT have a single minute, and she knows this but still keeps saying could I just... and I love her to pieces and dont want to tell her to fuck off, but I just need a break!!

yolo, I don't know where you get time to take a breath.

Have you already talked to your friend and explained you can't help out for a while - sorry if I missed it, but I'm not clear if you have and if she is not listening, or if you've not yet broached it.

clearly you have done a fantastic job with the charity and it's time to step away and focus on other things.

yolo, that all sounds so much. You sound like an amazing woman who copes with everything and make it all look easy- I wonder if that is what your friend sees.and someone who enjoys and thrives on being busy.
Can I suggest you take a hard look at what YOU want to do with your time. And what you can or can’t do for the charity. Say you are not able to commit atm but will review it in X time? yolo * sounds brutal but protect the living. and yourself first.

I'm really not amazing, I am very ordinary and plain and dull... but I am soft-hearted! msgd friend earlier to say next couple of weeks are manic for me (already got 2 days filled week after next) but I will do what I can when I can... no reply. She is a bit 'top trumps' about grief. She lost her mother, daughter and aunt within a 6 week period, and when her DH (who she cant stand) had a bowel cancer scare daughter said she wished she had cancer instead of her dad and then promptly got a particularly horrible form of it and died 2.5 years later. She would never, ever, do anything willingly to hurt me or make me feel bad, and we love each other to bits, and she offers me every support verbally but still expects me to be able to do everyting and at the moment I just cant.

You do not sound in the least bit dull or plain. Well done on the text. She is a good friend. She may be hurt but she will get it. Protect yourself. cockroach

Yolo I'm glad you've dumped something on us as you give support all the time. My opinion is that you have to have a talk with your bff. You've helped willingly for over 2 years, that's a long time. You could say "Mary, as you know I'm up against it with DH's cancer and I can't do anything towards the charity for the foreseeable future. As you know it's very dear to my heart and I don't want to let you or the contributors down. It's time for me to step back and for you to look at other options re business support now".

Btw - you were right re AA, they should be getting the higher rate, thank you.

Hi Rabbit welcome, sorry (for you) that you need to get in our terrible lifeboat.

yolo I hope that will be fine now, she is being very short sighted if she can't see that you can't do all this.

just flagging this up in case anyone can advise this poster..

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3470737-grandparents?watched=1&msgid=83883280#83883280

Thank you Grace :)

Yolo when you said earlier that there were DEF 2 rates of AA i went hunting high and low for a benefit called D.E.F.

Foxy and Oneday how are you both?

D.E.F - a special bonus for Deranged Elderly Fallers!

I am in awe with you lot you have so much to deal with.

My mother seems to be in a different situation to many of you as her health on paper is generally good , no heart issues, mobility ok but she is very low in mood and "can't carry on like this" .

She gets tired and does seem to have blood sugar issues and have weak wobbly moments. She has been told to eat regularly but this does not seem to happen. She also has upset stomachs but generally in the eyes of the medics is in good health for an 85 year old.

I have asked for a memory test as she is showing some cognitive decline but we are not sure if this is due to anxiety and depression or something else.

I work full time and have limited time to spend with her but do call her every night which is usually an hour of low mood and how bad she feels.

We do have a carer coming once a week, we wanted more but she was too busy!

Our next step is for her to go into respite care next week to see if being amongst people 24/7 helps her - no idea if this is a good idea. Seeing other clients in the home she is way more physically capable than them but we are not sure of what else we can do to help.

I was wondering if being in respite care the staff may be able to help us with tips to get her feeling better or maybe this is not an option.

She can put on her best behaviour for professionals and appear very together and then saves the misery and desperation for us.

Yolo I am new to all this and do way less than you but I always think oxygen mask - you need to help yourself to the oxygen mask first in the crashing plane to be able to help others.