The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

^^ yours - brain ache

That's very good info, thanks Mrsr8. I'll try and speak to her GP. He can be a bit uncooperative but if she's still not sleeping by next week (when I'm planning to come back) I think they'll just have to see her again and try to come up with some help.

It can't be right that someone of over 90 is 'dreading' going to bed because she knows she'll lie all night in pain She's already spent one night trying to sleep sitting up on the sofa.

Have written before, but life moves on...
Following a month in hospital, Dm is in intermediate (reablement) care in a care home until Tuesday (after a 6 week stay). Her delirium has worsened and she is paranoid about imagined woman upstairs giving her ECT and ammonia treatments.
She is now due to come home to us - same house but separate annexe. We have 3x carers organised, and the doctor is coming for a house visit on Wednesday.
She was in the care home under the Integrated Care Team, but they have washed their hand of us because we're self-funding. Despite 3 'promises', we have never heard from the Falls assessment team. Today the private carers asked me if I'd spoken to the Incontinence team - I've never heard of them!
Can someone advise me exactly who I should be contacting? As I say, the doctor is coming round, and, hopefully, will talk to us about Community nurse visits (?). Is there anything else I should know? Anyone else I should contact?
Dh and I are very nervous about all this (but thanks to previous advice on MN, have booked a place in a care home she likes, just in case it all goes tits up).

danish thanks, I will remember that!

L1minal Is there any chance some sort of support corset thing will help?

also, any chance she could take amitriptaline (sp) I couldn't tolerate any painkillers when I had an injury and the joy of stomach cramps on top of broken bones... anyway, I was saved by amitriptaline which interrupts pain signals or something. Was originally used as an anti dep I think. Also helped me sleep.

I wonder if you could actually call the GP and request any alternatives - they could send electronically to pharmacy and pharmacy could drop them to your mum?

random point - I was just looking over a bunch of paperwork with mum and I can't believe how small some of the writing is. I don't wear glasses so I've probably never noticed before as it's fine for me - but surely some of these companies must have tons of older customers e,g. Saga car insurance - and there's this teeny tiny writing for some of the important stuff.

also we went to a bank today and asked for a couple of things linked to tax - the manager was fab and printed out 2 copies of everything and explained it all, which was great for mum. but the print was font 8 or something!

gutrot is this something your mum's GP could help with? I'm sure someone more knowledgeable will be along shortly but just wondered.

trouble is, I'm under the impression that these things vary from one area to another. In this area, I remember dad talking to the falls person about the 90+ friend he used to help look after, and he told me that they didn't say anything that wasn't common sense. That lady also had private carers, so perhaps it was another case of SS not wishing to get involved?

Thanks Grace
Maybe I'm totally misunderstanding this and the GP is the pivotal person in the integrated care post-discharge????
Maybe I shouldn't be worried?

(Well, apart from the paranoia, falls, UTIs, cellulitis, night terrors, etc )

The GP and district nurse were really helpful for dad's friend - she had falls, UTIs, general confusion. I'm not sure how the district nurse gets involved though....pretty sure other posters will know.

Grace I hope I'm not out of turn asking if you are sure your mum needs probate? When my dad died in September 2017 my mum didn't need it and it was when I rang the land registry to ask how to transfer house into her name that they confirmed it.

My mum's only been home from respite for 2 days and she's already making poor decisions. I know she's not doing it on purpose but it makes me so cross. There was a very cool atmosphere between us this evening when I turned up after work to find out she'd walked a mile round trip to the chemist in this freezing cold and she has very poor mobility.

She's also back to cooking for people who aren't there. Fish and chips for 3 tonight.

Sorry to you all having a shit time

danish love the 'shitting on us from above' translation!

gutrot I would also be very nervous in your position, and in fact I would be refusing her discharge before the care needed is in place if at all possible. My mum never actually got to see anyone from incontinence, but at the very least her home environment should be assessed for suitability (eg does she need any aids at home) and she should also be personally assessed as to whether she can make a cup of tea/wash herself/get out of bed without falling over. Private carers, IME will say they can do everything but when it gets difficult they withdraw pdq, leaving you to pick up the pieces.

blueglasses I am so sorry, that sounds like very hard work.

In other news: had the most gorgeous walk on the beach with DDog this am, sunny, no wind, beautiful. Dropped DD1 back to uni. DH in very bad mood tonight, poss related to fact that we got schedule for radio: planning meeting a week today; treatment starts Feb 11 basically the middle of every day 5 x a week for 5 weeks, plus chemo at the same time (tablets only thank god).

blueglasses we do need probate, but that's all on track now. I hope!

re your mum, is it that kind of rebellion thing - thinking what the hell, I'll do as I please? I feel for you, that must be hard.

yolo that sounds a similar schedule for a friend who was treated for bowel cancer last year. She was very tired, but overall it was much better than she thought it would be. Sorry if stating the obvious - probably am! - with the immune system issues arising from treatment, you might want to say to people about keeping away if they have even the hint of a cold. Some people are a bit crap. My friend kept hand sanitiser in the house too and we didn't hug her or hold her hand (in London so most of us were coming off the tube or bus to visit her).

Thank you again for the support you give me here.

thigh what is a quarter of tea?

gutrot before DM was discharged after her stroke the hospital OT said they would come and do an assessment of her house, and provide her with any aids required to adjust to being at home. In reality they turned up a few hours after she was home, but provided her with things like a raised toilet seat, etc pretty quickly.

what is a quarter of tea? Isn't it a quarter of a pound of tea? ie about 120g, standard weight for a packet of loose tea?

Dint of course, I was thinking 'a cup of tea', but it was more about bringing things to the house. Duh.

Exactly Dint like a quarter of sherbert lemons. Eee kids today Monkey don't you remember rationing?

Yolo I'm so glad you got a lovely dog walk in on the beach. Sometimes it makes all right with the world - temporarily.

Exactly Dint like a quarter of sherbert lemons. or the quarter of aniseed balls I bought yesterday.

thigh I'm clearly waaay too young to recognise old money .

Presume the knife bit is his dementia talking? I seem to be struggling with 'getting' things today. Might need a nap soon.

I can't remember whose DH had the male voice choir in, but these dementia-related 'facts' that they are living with would be funny if they weren't so fucking tragic.

So hard to type with 2 dogs sitting on me jealously trying to get under the typing hand for a stroke.

My DF had a male voice choir turn up next door in a coach and sing all he way through from 5am to midday. Nothing since then till yesterday when he was talking about the bin men playing local radio as they emptied the bins at 5am - realised too late it was the wrong day for the bin men. Must keep an eye out.

He was tested for a UTI, and for cellulitis, and for any other sign of infection, but they didn't find anything. But it makes sense that there could be a background infection, when you think how difficult it is to think straight when you have a cold. Or, since he's getting it early in the morning, is it just semi-wakefulness? I know when I've been sleepy I've been holding a long conversation, egged on by an evil DH, which increasing consciousness reveals to me to be complete rubbish. The only difference between DF and I seems to be that I recognise when things don't make sense.

Sweet shops - we're lucky, Our rather unprepossessing looking town centre had a chocolate shop, delicious but rather expensive. It failed, but has been replaced by a proper sweet shop, full of jars. I am regularly tempted by aniseed balls, decent nougat, tablet, coltsfoot rock, edinburgh rock. It seems to be flourishing. Local children come in for all the sweets we used to have after school.

I've just googled - our sweet shop has a web site and on-line ordering too. But not the same as being able to go into the shop and look at everything.

It's actually sad to think she has spent 50 years worrying about her old age. She was late 30s with the quarter of tea nonsense. I'm much older than that and don't give old age a thought. What's the point?