The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

The final attack from the narcissistic parent
destroy your child as they look after you in old age, as you wither there so do they
your lifelong determination to never let your child get above you or transcend you has won out in the end

What the fuck @Thigh, she's been training you your whole life
I mean no disrespect to anyone on this thread

I feel for everyone stuck in these gruelling and impossible situations
I do understand the need to do the right thing and be a good person
please put your own well-being first as much as you can
I feel that there is a kind of animal self which becomes more apparent as our cognitive 'muscles' weaken

Also I recognise the dynamic, the one parent is overtly abusive the other parent who isn't but then it occurs to you one day, hold on why didn't they speak out and then you realise that in some ways they were the same but it just manifested in a much more subtle way

I think the animal self is in all of us, our instinctive natural reactions etc but it's obscured by the conscious mind

That's pretty weird isn't it ...as if he felt he needed the protection of a monstrous woman so that he wouldn't have to engage with his daughter?

not that it was a conscious thought out process, more likely that he instinctively reached for the same type of person because he needed that in this life to make it work for him?

Thanks I just had an aha moment with that phrase
easier to be the good guy if there's a monster at your side for comparison

I wonder if you could elaborate a little on 'controlling it from the bottom'?
I had the sense that being the good person was linked with feeling superior and having the moral high ground, but I can see that the person who doesn't get triggered the person who is in control of their emotions is able to control it from the bottom ....is that what you are getting out

It feels like the volcanic person is actually a weapon who is controlled by the calm person
but as a child you just don't see that, to you the volcano is bad, the calm person is good
But then why would the calm person just sit by while the eruptions happen and not protect you?

Thanks @Thigh, that makes sense!

Could I please jump in for an offload?

I’ve posted a couple of times way back under different names. Currently in a bit of a crisis and finding things difficult. DM (mid-90’s) lives alone in family home, potters along, has a couple of fairly major health conditions and mobility not great but manages - just about - with a stairlift and a few adaptations. Getting increasingly frail.

I live several hours’ drive away. DSis is approx 30 mins away. Just for context.

Aaaanyway....DM was unwell over Christmas, on mega-doses of steroids, is now over immediate lung problem that caused horrendous coughing but has pulled/strained/torn a rib muscle and is now in such pain she can’t lie in bed and can’t sleep. GP basically shrugged and prescribed paracetamol and hot water bottles. I felt compelled to come and minister (work very part-time and am increasingly her carer anyway as I spend extended periods with her; luckily am free atm) so have been with her a week but she’s still in agony.

I just feel helpless and can’t come up with a plan. I know sometimes there can’t be a plan but I have to go home for 3 days for uncancellable appointments (not to mention a dh!) and am already worrying about leaving her on her own.

Sorry for epic post

L1minal did the GP refuse any decent painkillers on account of any other meds etc?

I can imagine paracetamol won't touch that pain, your poor mum.

can your mum afford paid help to keep an eye on her? Any neighbours she can contact in emergencies, key box at the door etc?

@L1minal sorry to hear that. I would be pressing the gp for another appointment stressing how bad things are.

Took mum to memory clinic, got a dementia diagnosis. They have said mild atm and given her pills. Can anyone tell me how effective pills are in delaying the dementia or does it vary.
She still wants to drive and has to go for assessment. Please can anyone tell me what happens at assessment so I can reassure her through.

Thanks for replying, Grace. Yes, unfortunately she can’t have NSAIDs because of other health issues, and reacts very badly to anything codeine-based. I still have awful memories of a few years back when a (different) GP prescribed morphine-based patches for back pain despite being told she couldn’t tolerate them, and she spent weeks obediently putting them on in between vomiting and feeling like death

She does have a very kind neighbour who helps with shopping etc but doesn’t have any carers at the moment. I basically do everything else for her as DSis just doesn’t really get it.

yolo
So sorry for you.
My late ddad used to say "when the devil goes to the toilet, it comes in buckets".
Hope the translate makes sense, it sometimes fells very true and a bit funny to imagine.
Thinking of you.

Thank you for the replies and useful advice, all.

to everyone on here. It's so hard. My Df had dementia for a number of years before he died and that was a whole other struggle.

Danish i like the translation! We say "when it rains it pours" ie if it's bad, it's going to be really, really bad. But your's is better, the Devil is in fact doing a really big shit 💩 on us