The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

cockroach yolo - everything crossed for tomorrow.

And cockroach from me too, yolofish.

Cockroaches crossed for Mr Yolo.

Yolo I will comfort myself with the thought that it's the corduroys that make me look fat rather than the fat.

I'm crossing everything for your DH.

Corduroy def makes me look fat! as does silk, cotton, velvet, lycra blah blah.

Good-ish news today. No spread to lungs (as otherwise terminal diagnosis) and oncologist says not fixed to pelvic wall (as otherwise major surgery). Full explanation of treatment (quite aggressive, 5 x radio 5 days a week for 5 weeks, plus chemo (tablets) at the same time. Nasty side effects, but hey ho. Next stage is another MRI scan to establish whether colostomy reqd before they start treatment, but all being well could be underway in 2-3 weeks time.

Stupid solicitor being a wanker about mum's estate, apparently my father caused undue complications by dieing (sp?) in Ireland 22 years ago so there may be a tax implication. cannot believe that is the case on an estate worth less than £400k but the bloke is a nasty little weasel who DB and I hated on sight. Finally managed to sign off estate agents details, but DB ID not 'good enough' which has put DB in a rage. However I have and DH is cooking so things could be worse. And I have DD1 home for an extra 2 days and DD2 coming home tomorrow so all is as good as it can be at the moment.

Oh yolo good -ish news and a plan..... and dds home. At least you know more what you are dealing with.
🍷🍷cockroach

cheers sandwich. DD1 now has 2 days to clear the detritus she has shed all over the fucking house, and DD2 so looking forward to being home - and us to see her. Actually think she might miss Ddog the most, but I'll take what I can get ...!

yolo I promise I am not one of those people who finds fault with everything....the idea that someone dying in another country would have a tax implication, and the fact that you don't feel comfortable with this solicitor - combines to ring alarm bells. Is the solicitor charging by the hour, could they be seeking excuses to do more work on the estate?

I'm also wondering why it would even come up. Your inheritance is from your DM. I am not pretending to be an expert or anything, it's just so bizarre.

Hi my mum has several heath issues including copd, arthritis, thyriod issue, borderline diabetic, waiting for memory clinic assessment, just been diagnosed with a prolapse, urine retention, depression, feeling generally unwell and under going countless blood tests.

She wants to see my sister or I everyday if we are not working and gets whiny and demanding if we can not. My sister is married with kids and works part time. I work part time have kids one with ASD, and am mid divorce. It is all getting rather stressful.

She refuses to sign LPAs and says she might as well be dead already if she signs them. She will not call her friends just makes excuses. She has been told no driving until been to memory clinic and had tantrums about this repeatedly. Not sure if i will have to move car keys. Moans all the time about everything!

Getting me down. I have enough on with the divorce which is not going smoothly and everything else in general.

yolo Thanks for the update. Woke up wondering how you'd got on. Glad it's as good as it can be.

RoseMartha You need to keep your own life going above all else. Decide how many visits a week you can accommodate long term and stick to it - if it's anything less than "7" she's going to kick off anyway, so you might as well stick firm on "1" or "2" or whatever your answer is. You know in your heart that whatever you do it's never going to be enough to make her happy, so whatever you do, don't trash your own mental health.

Rose welcome to our terrible gang. It's hard isn't it? Everything hits all at the same time. I, for one, gaily imagined my parents would live happily and then sleep away one night. It's all very sad.

Hi rose sorry you have to join us. Echo what the battle scarred vets thigh and dint have said- protect yourself, set your boundaries, research help- get carers in asap to clean etc.
Only if you are in good shape can you hope to tackle it. Look at support from age uk, carers association for you.

You are not responsible for her happiness.

sandwich that's very profound not being responsible for someone else's happiness. I feel i am though, for everyone, is this megalomania on my part?

hi rose that sounds really hard on you and your sister - and your mum of course. everyone else is right - decide what you and she can do, contract out everything else you can, ask for a social services assessment if you can get her to agree. also look at attendance allowance, which helps pay for eg cleaners.

grace its a flat fee for the probate I think, we just hate the bloke!

thigh I feel i am though, for everyone, is this megalomania on my part?

lol. I feel the same but meglomania hadn't occurred to me!

yolo okay, that's good to know it's a flat fee.

rose seems odd offering flowers to a rose but here

that's very profound not being responsible for someone else's happiness. I feel i am though, for everyone, is this megalomania on my part? No, it's just a standard part of the upbringing for girls in the 50s, 60s, and probably right through to today. It's our job to support people who are having a bad time, to soothe conflict, etc etc.

I seem to be getting worse at "reading" what mum can cope with

I'm trying to take my lead from her and we've just discovered that she is trying not to overwhelm me with paperwork and clearing out tasks, so isn't making suggestions, while I thought she wasn't making any suggestions because she couldn't cope!

I suppose it's good to know we are trying to look after each other, even if it does go a bit wrong!

we are seeing her GP on Friday. Even corduroy can't make my tiny mummy look any bigger! It will be interesting to see if GP is concerned about her weight.

she's done a good job learning bank stuff etc. I'm proud of her but it would be totally patronising to tell her that!

actually one oddity did happen

she thought she could submit estimates for dad's tax return and that she'd never have to submit actual totals. I never explained it to her because I thought it was obvious an estimate was a temporary measure!

but yes, for a woman who couldn't read a bank statement, she has learned a lot, in a short time, and between bouts of overwhelming grief, so yes - impressive.

Long time lurker here reluctantly drawing up a seat at your table. I hope that is OK.

I am helping to care for both my DPs and my DPils. All in their late 80s and all with very serious health issues (bowel cancer, bone cancer, dementia, Alzheimer’s, almost no mobility, almost no vision). All are still at home but struggling. All this has happened in the last year. Prior to that they were all jogging along ok.

I find myself both practically and emotionally ill prepared for these final years or months and am seeking your combined wisdom. Those who have already trodden this path , what would your wise words be? What would you do differently with hindsight? What do you feel was important during these tough times?

Thank you in advance for your advice. It will be much appreciated.

cat welcome to the rabble. I would say buy in as much as you can re services. For instance if you are caring caring caring who's cleaning your house? And watch out for depression, it's pretty inevitable.

Dint well we've been sold a pup then. Hugs and lollipops only cheer up toddlers and that's the extent of my skillset.

I have fantastic news. The community matron came round to M&Ds today and we told her all the various problems and confusion re medication and lack of coordinated treatment. Dad is going to be under the care of a geriatric consultant at a nice, very local hospital. Hopefully that should be the end of trying to speak to endless departments and working out if one med does this or that to the other med. So fucking confusing and tiring and hopefully all under one roof now.

Took delivery of a very light wheelchair hired from wheelfreedom.

thigh well, that's where I went wrong, then. I'm no good at hugs.

My DF does not have dementia. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Short term memory loss, inability to stick to the topic of conversation ("I only asked he he wanted a cup of tea - why is he talking about the Archbishop of Canterbury?"), confusion (the supermarket is out of strawberry jam, and it's all because Microsoft and Apple don't agree about something or other, and nothing will be done about it until the government publish their finance bill in the autumn), paranoia (he cannot have a light switch changed because the electrician will Condemn his electricity supply and Disconnect him; or EDF who own all electricity companies will Bankrupt both him and me). Apparently it's just normal old age.

thigh - how is Gummy? Haven't heard from him for a while.

Hello all. Still following with interest. Still in the process of organising LPA but though I'd tackle the issue of mum's address receiving eleventybillion catalogues a day. Most companies I've phoned up on her behalf have never questioned whether I was the account holder or not and have cancelled the mailing without problem.
Except one company! They did ask whether I was the account holder and not wishing to lie I said no, I'm cancelling on behalf of my mum (and gave her circs, etc).
" no, madam, we cannot discuss this" data protection, etc cited which is fair and in accordance with the law.
However, I then said " Oh, sorry, can we start again? I am actually the account holder after all". The account was then promptly deleted as originally requested.
Daft or what? Made me laugh a little in an otherwise shitty week year

welcome cat.... probably to a room full of squashy shabby sofas occupied by sprawling gibbering wrecks mainlining gin/ chocolate/ wine........
Yes we have been sold a pup.... on top of having it all.....
Advice- as others say, info is power- age uk, carers association, county council website....... power of attourney, attendance allowance etc etc- and aim to facilitate care and get care in place ASAP. And protect yourself and your dc. Here ended the sermon.
🌺🌺🌺🍷🍷to all.