The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running series of threads. Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!
This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here
There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!
And a few laughs and the odd cockroach or gin....

fin sorry you have to join us. nota hope your dm gets sorted.
grace yes corduroy is all part of life’s rich pattern with elderlies.......
🌺🌺🍷🍷to all.

She cracked ribs that punctured her lung, so had a chest drain put in (totally out of it on morphine, so unable to give consent for herself), at that stage she was able to go out and was relatively self-sufficient. Then loads of antibiotics for subsequent infections. She had another fall last year that fractured vertebrae and then another that led to a hospital admission, due to a suspected infection. Mum has multiple health issues, heart failure, osteoporosis, hiatal hernia, leg ulcers, type 2 diabetes etc. Each one has an impact on the other. She has capacity but I really don’t know if she really understands that she isn’t going to get ‘better’ or if it’s her way of coping.

fin so sorry you are facing this, many similarities with my mum who is also now facing the end. If it helps we turned down chemo after a bowel resection 4 years ago, as she was 82 at the time, and she had another 4 good years. Please don't feel like the wrong choice was made over the chemo as there is no rhyme or reason to any of this and you can't be sure that anything would have played out differently.

Paroxetine ah I see. There's so much complexity in treatment isn't there? I know what you mean about things impacting on each other.

overall, in terms of the feelings around suffering...not sure if I said it already but when I said to one friend that the end was near, because the hospital hadn't said this officially yet, she said "don't say that!! He could have another ten years!" And I wanted to say "ten years ill health - please don't wish that on him".

And I wanted to say "ten years ill health - please don't wish that on him". So complicated, isn't it? There's 10 years ill-health for him. There's the toll that 10 years ill health of the parent takes on the child. And even if the parent is adamant that they want to continue life till the bitter end, their everyday complaining makes it clear that the extra life isn't an unqualified blessing. So do they really want to extend life or are they just petrified of the alternative? (I know this is a different situation to you, fin). And how do you even start that conversation after 60 years of never even discussing each others' religious beliefs?

Dint I guess I didn't find it complicated at that stage because he and I had already said our goodbyes a few weeks before! His body kept him alive much longer than it should have done.

I appreciate that when you say to someone "this person is in hospital and really suffering" they can't necessarily imagine it. His hospice admission was far too late in my opinion but I'm not a doctor. He didn't speak at all for the last two weeks, this was the point where my friend was saying "don't write him off".

one of the last wee jokes we had was him asking "how much does Jesus charge for a miracle" - I appreciate that might not be funny to anyone else but he and I were both obsessed with the cost of everything so at least we found it funny! (He didn't say it in front of mum though).

Can I join you all?

My elderly mother is becoming more demanding as more things are diagnosed and she is more dependant but getting depressed about it all. It is really hard because I have a sen child and am mid divorce ( which is now 10 months in and no end in sight).

Hi RoseMartha, welcome along. I hope we can be of use to you and/or help with the occasional bit of light relief. We did used to have a nightclub plan here, it was called Secret Gigolo I think....there's definitely a modern musical in there too....! I think there's no dress code but corduroy trousers might be frowned upon....

Grace As you can probably imagine I was largely thinking out loud, with my own father in mind. His body is keeping him alive far longer than it should be doing.

@Grace212 thank you 😀

Marking place

Hello everyone and welcome newbies

Things are good and bad Chez Thigh (I actually think of myself as Thigh these days).

I'm getting on better with Mum, we had a frank talk and I asked her what she actually wanted of me. I said i felt unhappy with the current levels of demand given i have an ill SN teen, work, dogs, house etc. I said I felt nothing was enough and i felt very sad at the deterioration of our relationship.

She said company and a change of scenery (ie my delightful face). I'm perfectly happy with that so pop over for a cup of tea and a chat about 5 days a week (very local).

I want to see Dad anyway as I think he's fading, i fear this will be his last year. Unless he eats more but it's just a spoonful of porridge here and a spoonful of soup there. He very much does have the will to live and is desperate to get out dog walking again but he lacks the strength.

Yolo I'm so pleased you got away with DH, do you feel rejuvenated?

Grace Corduroy trousers? Um JD Williams? Dad loves him some cords and the ones at M&S aren't thick enough for thin olds. Post the solution if you find it!

Grace chums.co.uk looks like it has some pull on cords and also some pull on thermal lined trousers. Plus some velour tracksuits!! Slight envy, i feel a little veloury.

Dint the lady who made the 10 year comment cared for parents into their 90s and coped well, I guess, though of course people won't say stuff IRL that they say here.

Thigh how did your mum take that? I was actually wondering about that Fantastic Services company you mentioned. Mum's TV looks ready to pack up and she is also the type who wants someone to "install" a new one and is looking for an old fashioned shop + service. I suppose she will go ahead with that if she wants to but I was thinking cheaper TV plus installer.

I have pointed out that I can do all this but she thinks that's nuts. I think she wants a man to do it!!

Oh yes I get only a man can do it (and now I just agree and let the men get on with it and take the chance of a break!)

Detoxpup

the thing is, she will ask me to be there because there's a stranger in the house. I can say no and she won't get annoyed but I do completely understand why she doesn't want to deal with said strange bloke.

but the logic of strange bloke in the house to do a job I can do completely defeats me.

she would say the same about a strange woman in the house, to be fair.

It's all an interesting compromise from my perspective as I am starting to really feel that my quality of life is better when I stay with mum. I'm at my home at the moment. I am conscious that as she gets older it could get way more depressing so still dithering about moving in.

Hi all, I need some advice please. Mum's still in hospital. Following 2 bouts of pneumonia she's got C.diff and been transferred to isolation. No handover was done between wards and, in terms of discharge we seem to back to square one.

I'm looking into what we can put in place privately to expedite getting her home. For context we are looking at palliative care as mum has already said she doesn't want continued treatment. She wants to get home and die on her terms (as much as is possible). New doc today was talking about further investigations and starting paperwork again!

Saw pals on way out of hospital. They have given new ward a kick up the arse and palliative care team will see mum tomorrow and get in touch with me.

Does anyone have any experience with putting a care package together privately please?

Oneday, sorry you are dealing with this. Every area is different- contact your adult social care team via county council website or hospital social worker. Website may have details of agencies.
Palliative care team may well work with the local hospice ,Macmillan or Marie curie for hospice at home care. They can help arrange equipment your dm may need- hospice folk are brilliant at cutting through red tape.
You may need extra help but also they should help sort chc funding.
Macmillan might be able to offer advice now. Good luck🌺🌺

Hello thigh so glad you had an honest conversation with your dm. Does your df use a wheelchair? Red Cross hire them out?
grace totally get the dms and men!!!! But in many ways the more she can arrange things keep it going. The more 8ndependent she is th3 better. Then you can be daughter, not carer.

Ooops typos!
Cockroach all!

No time to say anything except cockroach all —and I own some velour trousers from Lands End, so shoot me now—

Hi monica bet the are dead comfy!! 😂😂

to be clear, I have no judgement on anyone's clothes, honest!

@Onedayatatimethistime

I went to dig out the previous thread about this and realised it was you...you sound in a similar situation to mine last year. Once the palliative care team got involved, everything was much clearer. My difficulty was getting them involved in the first place as similar to you - a new doctor was assigned and seemed convinced something could be done, though that was for a very short time.

So with your case, you've had the comments on the other thread. I would only add, if your DM goes home and is able to do stairs, you might find that some agencies won't do stairs with the person.

also I don't know what finally happens about administering things like morphine because dad did end up in a hospice. But given there's "hospice at home" I imagine it can all be sorted.

Big hugs to you

There is something faintly depressing about corduroy though, I think? No matter how much someone tries to bring it back into fashion, it never lasts. I think its because it makes everyone look fat.

Reading some of the posts above, and the lack of understanding about death perhaps not being the worst that can happen... I think in some, perhaps, many cases death is the best thing that can happen. It certainly was for my DM; it saved her from more pain and terror, and the prospect of a 250 mile move at DB's instigation. It was also the best thing for me and mine, in many many ways. I guess there is a huge difference though between being 88 and having been failing for years and being eg 58 and not having any inkling that it might be coming.

Sometimes I feel as hard as nails about mum dying, I dont know when I will start to miss her, but I do think I did a lot of my grief/anger during the period Jun-Nov last year when it went so spectactularly (sp?) tits up for her. No one in their right mind could be anything other than relieved that she died when she did - and if it had been sooner it would have been easier all round.

First oncology appt for DH tomorrow; cant wait. He is in a shit mood tonight (anxiety) and has been feeling dreadful for the last few days. So I hope we might actually start to get somewhere now.

cockroach and courage mes amies to all.