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Elderly parents
Original poster

In-laws want a lot of time

126 replies

Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 00:25

I used to see my in-laws every two weeks or so for the weekend . We lived about an hour and half away . Even when I was pregnant with my first child . My parents / family side didn’t see us as often or expect us to. Since I had my first born I wanted to spend more time as a family unit and genuinely felt stretched by the in-laws demands on our time , with having a baby etc .

They have insisted on creating traditions with our children and try to dictate when we should see them. We don’t see them as often maybe once every couple of months or less . The relationship between us isn’t the same because they are angry we don’t see them as much as they want us to .

They feel they have a right to see our children and have a special place , but they do not wish to get involved in any aspect of the childcare .

They are constantly asking my husband to arrange various visits , we see them one weekend and then they want to see us the next . We are constantly having to make excuses etc it’s becime ridiculous they just don’t give up .

The worst part is they don’t do what they say with their own parents , who are often discluded when we visit .

I’m so frustrated with the situation . Can’t seem to resolve , the pressure is constant and relentless .

OP posts:
Grace212 · 23/12/2018 00:38

What does your DH say? They're his folks after all.

Btw how old are they?

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 00:44

They are in 60s and in good health overall . DH says that we don’t have to see them often but I think he feels conflicted by their demands

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Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 00:44

(Early 60s )

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PersonaNonGarter · 23/12/2018 00:48

This is very strange because you and your DH seem quite passive. Why don’t you just say ‘no we’rre busy, but free at X time’.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 00:55

thats The thing .. when it gets bad DH doesn’t answer the phone to them ... I’m more direct and I’ve tried to speak to In laws but they blame me . They have also bad mouthed me amongst their family . So I don’t enjoy visiting them at all , but would like to have limited visits and keep the peace for DHs sake ( and the kids )

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Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 00:56

DH is an only child . I think he feels conflicted

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LilQueenie · 23/12/2018 01:16

if your dh is happy to avoid their calls just don't go. they already bad mouth you so what more can they do?

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 01:33

I still go but I don’t go as often as they want.

I feel like a proper idiot I must be so weak .

They seem to gang up on him ,also DH is very close to his grandparents, so they kind of use that . Eg they told us one grandparent was in hospital so I took both babies and we went straight to the hospital ( 2 hours away ) and when we turned up we found out that his grandparent had been discharged and that the grandparent had been sent back to the care home . So we went went to visit the grandparent in the care home , then we went to visit them and they didn’t even apologise for not telling us , they seemed to find it funny.

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junebirthdaygirl · 23/12/2018 01:40

I think if they live an hour and a half away a visit for a few hours once a month would be ok. Every few months seems little. I wouldn't stay just pop in for a few hours.
As dh is their only child its understandable they would like to see him. I wouldn't be able for drama but l don't think you will be happy to see your dc once every few months when they are older . Unless they move abroad. Give a little here.
Then you willl know ye are being fair so can cut off all the mind games. Of course if your dh wants to see them more often thats up to him.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/12/2018 01:41

Also, just to add, if they are early 60s l don't think they belong in the category of elderly parents!! That would be more the grandparents.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 01:42

But we already see them
Every few months and it’s not enough for them . I asked DH to go and see them more often ( without me) but he doesn’t want to

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Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 01:45

Also , I don’t understand why I have to give up my family time to in laws who do not want to be involved in any childcare whatsoever , eg they are happy to play but won’t even tell me if the nappy needs changing .. they just hand back and wait for me to smell it

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Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 01:48

Sorry forgot to say we now live 2.5 hours away ( we used to live closer )

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junebirthdaygirl · 23/12/2018 02:28

You don't visit gps because they offer childcare. You visit or at least your dh does out of relationship or lacking that out of respect for the fact they reared him.
Do you visit your own parents?
Living over 2 hours away makes it more difficult .

MonsterKidz · 23/12/2018 02:45

I feel for you OP, have been in a somewhat similar position.

Could you try to set a more regular schedule, maybe every 6 weeks and alternatate between them coming to you and you going to them? When you do see them do you stay over? Or just drive there and back in one day. It’s tough to travel with little ones, primarily they should come to you if you have the room.

As for childcare, my in-laws are the same, although I’d say they are even less inclined to play that yours by the sound of things. It’s hard when you feel like you are seeing for family for a bit of a hand with the kids so to speak, that’s certainly what I get when I’m with my folks, they help me out and we all see each other but with the in-laws it’s just even more hard work as they are no help with the kids, plus I have to look after them so it makes me more reluctant t to visit/host.

greatandpowerfulozma · 23/12/2018 03:12

I really feel for you. It’s so difficult when people feel they have a right to your free time and never seem satisfied! Xx

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 06:40

Thank you that’s the bit I really don’t get . How can someone who is clear they don’t ever want to roll their sleeves up with the grandchildren , then in the same breath , believe they have rights to take over the free time we spend as a family and rights to do as they please with your children on the weekends , while you are the one doing ALL of the work ? Is it normal to have to explain what you are doing every weekend to your in laws ?

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BenScalesIsAGod · 23/12/2018 06:53

We have a similar situation and also felt as if we had to come up with an ‘excuse’ for why we couldn’t see them every weekend. Really we just like a bit of time to ourselves.

At the minute we pre arrange a date once a month where we see them (let them know about 3 months in advance) and they seem to be happier and less stressed about the uncertainty. We saw them about this frequency anyway but this way they can plan ahead. Could you try something like this?

My in laws are also no help and have been very disrespectful towards me in the past resulting in NC between my DH and PILS but this seems to have improved things. They have tried to guilt us into a few last minute things but we have said no and stuck with the pre arranged date.

BenScalesIsAGod · 23/12/2018 06:56

Could you meet for a child friendly day out half way, or can they come to you? I would alternate if I were you. Our in laws like us to go to them so our DC can see their house Hmm

blackcat86 · 23/12/2018 07:07

Every few months is quite low contact so I'm not surprised that they are unhappy with this. However, they need to be proactive and compromise rather than sitting back making demands otherwise it simply makes more work for you which I'm sure is the last thing you need with young children. This could include alternating between you visiting them and then visiting you, staying over to babysit, taking the kids on days out without you etc.

I had to have quite a stern chat with my PIL who decided that weekly visits weren't enough (I think it's more than sufficient for a 4 month old) but also expected me to drive DD about to meet them or to be entertained when they came over. My view is that they either want to be a consistent and proactive part of DDs life and contribute accordingly or they want to be fun, occasional grandparents. Either is fine, just not both.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:07

Well I say that we see them every couple of months , but to be honest it never works out like that as I’m not counting the time we go there when DHs grandparents are ill etc , so basically since October we have been there about 4 times . So basically more than once a month . Even then , they are complaining .

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Happyandshiney · 23/12/2018 07:10

I understand that problem of demanding in laws, I really do but once every two month is very little given that your children are small and won’t remember them in between visits.

I also have a problem with this:

They feel they have a right to see our children and have a special place , but they do not wish to get involved in any aspect of the childcare

Grandparents should have a special relationship with their GC and it absolutely should not be a transaction based on childcare.

As for you “doing ALL the work”, with kindness, that’s what you signed up for when you chose to have D.C. (Though when you say ALL I hope you mean half with your DH)

Put yourself in their place. When your D.C. are adults will 6 times a year be enough visiting time with them? Would you be happy if your GC didn’t know you?

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:10

They also don’t allow DHs grandparents join us when we visit , they never get their whole family together , we have to spend time with each set of in-laws ( SHs parents , grandparents )separately when we go . They don’t want their own parents joining us , but believe we have to spend loads of time with them .they also have refused to share the family time with my parents ( whom I hardly see )

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BenScalesIsAGod · 23/12/2018 07:11

Maybe suggest a few dates for the new year and see if it helps. If they’re anything like ours they’ll still push for more but if you stick to it then it sort of becomes the new norm.

BenScalesIsAGod · 23/12/2018 07:12

By the way ours also refuse to have other family members there as it ‘dilutes them!’ Do we have the same in laws??

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