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Elderly parents
Original poster

In-laws want a lot of time

126 replies

Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 00:25

I used to see my in-laws every two weeks or so for the weekend . We lived about an hour and half away . Even when I was pregnant with my first child . My parents / family side didn’t see us as often or expect us to. Since I had my first born I wanted to spend more time as a family unit and genuinely felt stretched by the in-laws demands on our time , with having a baby etc .

They have insisted on creating traditions with our children and try to dictate when we should see them. We don’t see them as often maybe once every couple of months or less . The relationship between us isn’t the same because they are angry we don’t see them as much as they want us to .

They feel they have a right to see our children and have a special place , but they do not wish to get involved in any aspect of the childcare .

They are constantly asking my husband to arrange various visits , we see them one weekend and then they want to see us the next . We are constantly having to make excuses etc it’s becime ridiculous they just don’t give up .

The worst part is they don’t do what they say with their own parents , who are often discluded when we visit .

I’m so frustrated with the situation . Can’t seem to resolve , the pressure is constant and relentless .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:14

Would you be happy if your in laws tell your DH that his grandparent is in hospital and then when you drive down there for a few hours , you find that the grandparent is discharged and they didn’t bother telling you?

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Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:14

If we saw my family as often. As we see DHs I don’t think they would be happy either

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FestiveNut · 23/12/2018 07:16

DH needs to handle this unfortunately. I had to have a talk with my DPs and explain that we need family time because DH works long hours and only really sees our baby at the weekend. We also have the housework and DIY stuff to sort at the weekend (there is a never - ending list) and another set of grandparents to visit. Once a month doesn't sound too much, but when it's both sets of grandparents (I insist on seeing them both as frequently as each other) that represents about 50% of your available family time, given that each visit takes a day and half of each weekend is chores. I agree with you, OP, but your DH needs to be the one to explain it to them.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:19

That’s the thing , I don’t expect childcare, and would never expect to ask them to , but they are actively disgusted by dirty nappies ! They wouldn’t even offer to help once in a while, they actually run in the opposite direction and wait for me to clean up. It makes me sad that they are disgusted by their grandchild’s poo

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katykins85 · 23/12/2018 07:21

How often do you see your own parents? Wr live roughly 2 hrs from DHs dad and step mum, 1.5 hrs from my parents and an hr from DHs mum and stepdad. Its a pain in the arse visiting 3 lots of parents and most of the time I absolutely cannot be arsed but i think its important for the kids to have a relationship with the grandparents. We alternate who goes to who, so we don't always have to travel and then its only 3 hours or so out of the weekend when they come here.

BenScalesIsAGod · 23/12/2018 07:25

I wouldn’t tell them how often we are visiting my parents, it’s none of their business. We keep things very superficial though because of the past.

The way I look at it is that I want my DC to see their paternal side of the family and so long as they’re not abusive I will help to facilitate that. I don’t expect anything in return apart from them being civil.

I wouldn’t be happy about turning up at the hospital when they’d been discharged but to be honest I probably wouldn’t have gone straight away, I would have waited to see what was happening before taking DC there but we aren’t particularly close as I said.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:25

We don’t visit my parents

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ISdads · 23/12/2018 07:26

Step right back. It sounds like your dh is more used to handling them, and his way is just to avoid answering the phone. Sounds good to me. Let him handle it. Especially do not put any pressure on him to visit more often.

Why don't they come down to you, out of interest?

And what do your side of the family make of this?

I would be considering if I actually want my kids to grow up knowing them closely. What kind of parents were they? Are they likely to try to use emotional blackmail etc with your kids?

Grandparents do not have rights to see either children or grandchildren. They sound overbearing and not worth much effort.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:27

Never in the same way my parents might pop in for an hour about 6 -8 times a year . We never spend all day with them . They spend a lot of time away

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ISdads · 23/12/2018 07:28

Why don't you see your parents? Are you okay with that?

BenScalesIsAGod · 23/12/2018 07:28

Why don’t you see your own parents? Confused

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:29

Yes that’s what I’m concerned about with them . They are a bit controlling and tried to cause issues between me and my family by constantly criticising my family and saying my mum is a bad mother for wanting to travel abroad

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ISdads · 23/12/2018 07:29

How exactly is the pressure constant and relentless? Is it you or your dh they approach?

MaidenMotherCrone · 23/12/2018 07:30

Why can’t they travel to you?

BertrandRussell · 23/12/2018 07:30

I don’t think having a relationship with your grandchildren should be a pay off for offering childcare, should it?

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:31

My parents are abroad a lot , when they are here , I don’t go crazy with seeing them a lot , they don’t expect me to plus I have three other siblings

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MawkishTwaddle · 23/12/2018 07:32

My ex-mother-in-law was like this. It was incredibly stressful, and because my XH wouldn’t stand up to her and tried lots of underhand tactics to avoid her (not answering phone, etc) I was often left being confronted. I lost all respect for him —not that I had much—

She’s now dead, and I look back with horror and incredulity that I let a mere mortal have such power over me. I certainly wouldn’t stand for it now.

Let them wail and gnash their teeth, OP. If they want to see you, they need to learn to make it a pleasant experience.

(But they don’t owe you childcare).

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:35

They approach DH and make plans that he hasn’t agreed to and I didn’t know about. And once in the past when they didn’t get what they wanted , they turned up anyway , and also used my parents ( who are hardly ever around and don’t know what is going on ) and effectively complained about me to them and made them come to make me hand my children over to them

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ISdads · 23/12/2018 07:36

Should any relationship have a pay off? Kind of yes and no. I'm not into one way relationships of any kind - the 'visiting the queen' to pay homage type. The 'pay off' or mutual benefit might be emotional connection, love, mutual affection etc instead of childcare, but if it's not two way, I'm not interested. Grandparents do not have automatic rights to be visited, like the queen.

BenScalesIsAGod · 23/12/2018 07:38

We also ignore the badgering for extra visits and it has calmed down quite a bit but they do still try. We just say no we can’t and leave it at that. We don’t come up with reasons as they try and unpick them. I don’t let it bother me.

They can’t stop you visiting your family, just arrange to see them as often as you want.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:38

If we don’t visit them then we don’t see DHs grandparents who cannot travel by themselves to see us this far ( and they won’t bring DHs grandparents in their car to see us ) they refuse to let them join us when we go up there either

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Moussemoose · 23/12/2018 07:39

Relationships are give and take. Parents shouldn't 'expect' childcare but as a GP isn't it a kindness to offer?

The GPs want the family to take the time and trouble to visit but won't offer anything in return. While every other poster is a saint who doesn't need any down time or need to get anything done at a weekend I'm certainly not.

If the GPs want a relationship then they need to put some effort into forging one. That's how relationships work - you put effort in. You get in your car and rice and then offer to help.

Sitting back expecting visits and play time and putting nothing into the relationship is unfair and selfish.

If a woman was talking about her husband saying he wants the fun but not the work posters would be all over him.

Any relationship, but especially those involving children requires work. To pretend it doesn't is madness. Parents of young children need help and support it's a difficult, trying time.

You get out what you put in. These GPs need to put more in if they want more out.

ISdads · 23/12/2018 07:40

What does 'make plans that he hasn't agreed to' mean? Trying to get an idea of how you can stop this - so does he then spring plans on you last minute?

My parents used to live 2 1/2 hours away (thats a 5 hour drive, folks). It's not really feasible to do that every other weekend and also have a life. Nor is it great for the kids.

I'm rubbish at confrontation. Ever thought of moving further away?

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:42

For those who think I want childcare I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to say . I’m not saying that I expect them to change nappies . I’m trying to say that I don’t feel like they are doing the family thing both ways . In my view it’s strange to have in laws who would rather leave a child in a dirty nappy and not mention it and carry on playing . It seems cruel on the child , who is not a play thing , and it does not feel like love when a grandparent does that .The least they can do is say that the child needs a change .

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ISdads · 23/12/2018 07:44

What would actually happen if you told them straight that you will only visit dh grandparents on one visit? You could even do a rota to show it is fair (your parents, his parents, the greatgrandparents) with of course also free weekends for you, then try the 'no as a complete sentence' approach

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