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Elderly parents
Original poster

In-laws want a lot of time

126 replies

Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 00:25

I used to see my in-laws every two weeks or so for the weekend . We lived about an hour and half away . Even when I was pregnant with my first child . My parents / family side didn’t see us as often or expect us to. Since I had my first born I wanted to spend more time as a family unit and genuinely felt stretched by the in-laws demands on our time , with having a baby etc .

They have insisted on creating traditions with our children and try to dictate when we should see them. We don’t see them as often maybe once every couple of months or less . The relationship between us isn’t the same because they are angry we don’t see them as much as they want us to .

They feel they have a right to see our children and have a special place , but they do not wish to get involved in any aspect of the childcare .

They are constantly asking my husband to arrange various visits , we see them one weekend and then they want to see us the next . We are constantly having to make excuses etc it’s becime ridiculous they just don’t give up .

The worst part is they don’t do what they say with their own parents , who are often discluded when we visit .

I’m so frustrated with the situation . Can’t seem to resolve , the pressure is constant and relentless .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:45

Try to make plans he hasn’t agreed to means ,they say that they are planning to come on a particular day , and kind of pressure him into it , because when he says no , they want a date from him as to when they can and it has to be soon .

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ISdads · 23/12/2018 07:45

Do you think they love the kids? It sounds more like control.

AnnaMariaDreams · 23/12/2018 07:48

I’m reading this and feel for them a bit. But they are shooting themselves in the foot by not doing childcare. That way they would see the GC and you would be grateful and happier to spend more time with them.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:50

I think that they are controlling as when we get there they do get easily annoyed with the kids , especially the older one . They also tell me when they think my child has had enough to eat

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Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 07:52

For those who think I want childcare I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to say . I’m not saying that I expect them to change nappies . I’m trying to say that I don’t feel like they are doing the family thing both ways . In my view it’s strange to have in laws who would rather leave a child in a dirty nappy and not mention it and carry on playing . It seems cruel on the child , who is not a play thing , and it does not feel like love when a grandparent does that .The least they can do is say that the child needs a change .

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ISdads · 23/12/2018 07:57

I bet you wouldn't want them to childmind anyway!! They sound like they would not be great at it.

What kind of parents were they?

I would be setting up big boundaries personally - or else they will be trampling all over you.

BenScalesIsAGod · 23/12/2018 08:00

This is very confusing. Don’t allow them the power of dictating visits. Tell them when you’re available and visit then and only then! If they spring it on you at the last minute, say no! Group WhatsApp to discuss dates?

You seem to want people to tell you not to visit. If you don’t want to visit then don’t but that will have big consequences for the family as a whole. It’s up to you. Your DH has to be on board too of course.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 08:01

They relied a lot on their own parents for childcare , that’s why DH is so close to his grandparents. His grandparents looked after him ( DH ) when he was a baby a lot . Full works , and they did all school runs when he was at school and stuff . It’s really sad but they don’t call his grandparents over to join us for lunch when we visit . Never .

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ISdads · 23/12/2018 08:02

The simple answer is to schedule visits fairly allocated between all family. Would that be worth a try?

anniehm · 23/12/2018 08:05

We see my parents 6-8 times a year but it's always for at least a weekend due to distance (they have just arrived for the week) we see dh's a bit more but fleeting visits, sometimes just a coffee after we visit his elderly grandparents, to be honest I think his mum would prefer we saw her less but we bump into her at the care home

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 08:06

Sorry just so that we are clear , we have tried to set boundaries but they keep trying to over turn them and get very angry when we don’t agree to their plan

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BenScalesIsAGod · 23/12/2018 08:06

Yes that happens. You stick with the boundary...

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 08:08

Hi ISdads I think you are right , we need to have family time fairly split between both sides of the family .

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Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 08:09

Ok so we visited them two days ago and they want to visit us next weekend . I’m just going to say no . It seems like that wouldn’t be unreasonable?

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Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 08:10

They are probably going to be angry but so be it

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BenScalesIsAGod · 23/12/2018 08:10

Your DH should say no if you agree you’re not going. Of course it’s not unreasonable. I’ve already suggested planning dates in advance. They might feel more secure with that.

ISdads · 23/12/2018 08:11

What does your husband think? You need a united front on this. Xmas might or might not be the best time to start! Would a rule like 'once every six weeks' be helpful?

ZenNudist · 23/12/2018 08:14

I think YABU. I know more people keen to avoid nappy changes than i do people who gladly do it for their grandchildren/ niece/ nephew. Every month is a fair amount to see your parents/ILs just visiting. Its nice they will visit you and you dont always go to them. In addition irs nice to have extra visits for Christmas / Easter / birthday meals out / holidays.

6-8 times a year for an hour is cold. Is this what you will expect from your own dc? Once they grow up? Wow.

It sounds like your ILs have had to evolve strategies to get you to visit such as separate the grandparents and use them as 'bait' to wring another visit out of you.

Really sad your dh ignores them and you encourage that.

Well you reap what you sow. You are raising your dc to see family obligation at an unpleasant chore to be done as little as often. Better take up hobbies and get some good friends when you're older because your grown-up dc wont spend time with you.

Becles · 23/12/2018 08:17

They feel they have a right to see our children and have a special place , but they do not wish to get involved in any aspect of the childcare .

This phrase really sticks out and gives the resentful context of your post.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 08:19

Sorry we don’t spend an 6-8 times a year for an hour lol . We spend a lot more time than that and it’s usually a full day not an hour . As I said it’s actually about once a month

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CottonTailRabbit · 23/12/2018 08:20

When you stop caring about their tantrums, when you stop caring about being rude, when you embrace being their "bad guy" then life will become happier, lighter and a hell of a lot easier. You'll look back and.boggle and how much power you gave them.

ISdads · 23/12/2018 08:21

Is it nice, ZenNudist ? Does it make it nice just because ....? It doesn't sound nice, for op or her dh, does it? Or indeed her own parents, who they can't see as they are off with Mr and Mrs Pushy

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 08:21

I didn’t say that I encourage my DH to ignore his parents I don’t know why he does it , they ignore him too by the way , when he doesn’t do what they say

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ISdads · 23/12/2018 08:23

No surprise there ... they are manipulative. It's quite clear to me (family of manipulators, just a different type)

Surfskatefamily · 23/12/2018 08:23

Every few months is not much. No wonder theyre upset. Would you be happy with that when your child is grown.
I dont think you should make all the effort tho. Get them to come to you sometimes.
Maybe a bit more interaction will help mend the relationship

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