In-laws want a lot of time

[Tweety1981]

I used to see my in-laws every two weeks or so for the weekend . We lived about an hour and half away . Even when I was pregnant with my first child . My parents / family side didn’t see us as often or expect us to. Since I had my first born I wanted to spend more time as a family unit and genuinely felt stretched by the in-laws demands on our time , with having a baby etc .

They have insisted on creating traditions with our children and try to dictate when we should see them. We don’t see them as often maybe once every couple of months or less . The relationship between us isn’t the same because they are angry we don’t see them as much as they want us to .

They feel they have a right to see our children and have a special place , but they do not wish to get involved in any aspect of the childcare .

They are constantly asking my husband to arrange various visits , we see them one weekend and then they want to see us the next . We are constantly having to make excuses etc it’s becime ridiculous they just don’t give up .

The worst part is they don’t do what they say with their own parents , who are often discluded when we visit .

I’m so frustrated with the situation . Can’t seem to resolve , the pressure is constant and relentless .

Mother as a senior parent? Not sure about that, I was relating it to my personal experience. I have sons but when thinking about parenting and how tired I was I relate it to my own experiences - as a mother.

I don't want to regard future DIL's as separate and different we will both be mothers and will shares experiences. My sons will be able to share fatherhood with their dad and potential Fils.

Motherhood, especially in the early stages is much more physical that fatherhood. Pregnancy, childbirth and potential (its up to you) breast feeding does leave you more tired. Especially, when you have an older child already. You need more rest and support than the father - well I certainly did.

I hope/expect my sons to step up, like their dad did for me, but we all need a little help. A mil who wants her dil to have a rest isn't disrespecting her feminist credentials she is giving a rest.

You did say that your DH ignores his phone when they call. And you do seem to support him not seeing his parents. Also you did actually say your parents only come 6 to 8 times a year for an hour. And he basically said that you've seen your in-laws about once a month just over since October. Which I think sounds fair. As does seeing them over Christmas at least once.

Don't get me wrong I do get annoyed at my own in-laws to I understand that it is hard when someone is your family but not the people you grew up with. It's Heart of a bull on with them in exactly the same way as you would with your own family. Then again it sounds like you don't spend time with your own family either.

I get it you do not want to spend time with his people you don't like them and they haven't been nice to you in the past and you a resentful of that. Personalities aside I am saying that its nice to visit to see your parents or in laws monthly. Just be glad you don't have to see your family as much and that you don't have to travel every single time.

And the meeting up in the middle is a really good idea.

So one month you could go to them and stay for the weekend. Next month I could come to you for a day if they're happy to do that. The month after you can just meet on the Sunday for a Sunday lunch somewhere about an hour and a bit travel away for both of you. We do this and we try and stay somewhere near a park or a play centre and make an afternoon of it.

I think you're putting too much focus on precious family time. It sounds like most of your lives should be spent having family time. I think the issue might be if you have a resentful of weekend spent with in-laws is that you are not spending time together in the week either. Perhaps you need to address this.

And another suggestion I don't know if it helps or not is to get a cleaner and then you are not spending time cleaning as much as you can do some" precious family time"... just a thought.

Heart of a bull on= hard to rub along

Next month I could come to you for a day=Next month they could come to you for a day !!!

Imagining I'm a grandparent here, I'd be pretty heartbroken if I only seen my grandchildren 'every few month' and really don't agree that they shouldn't be so eager to see them just because they don't offer childcare.
In your defence though, are they not willing to make the trip rather than expecting your family to do all the leg work?
As a Pp said, I'd maybe make it a monthly occurrence maybe the last weekend of every month etc.
Hope you get this sorted OP

Just out of interest , how many of you are mums with young children ?

Just for comparison, we live a similar distance from in-laws of similar age. We go there about once every 4 months for a few days. They usually come here every couple of months. So overal we see each other once ever 6-8weeks. They don’t do childcare, but do show a lot of care and interest in the kids. I’m never under pressure to see them more. If anything I would be happy to see them more.

I'm a mum of a young child (4 month old) and we have 15yr old DSS eow. I try to facilitate weekly visits with each set of gps who live about 30mins away in opposite directions. Then we usually see the PIL an additional time when DSS is with us. DD is going through a clingy, everyone who isn't mummy is a stranger I'll scream at, phase which has made visits a bit more difficult but I still think it's important that they get to know her and she gets to know them. Even when we both worked FT (I'm currently on mat leave) we'd usually rotate seeing one set of gps at the weekend.

Every couple of months is quite little. It’s hardly a lot of time to build up a decent relationship between child and gparent.

I’m also not surmised they don’t want to change nappies! Who does? Can your husband not take the kiddos over once a month without you if you feel the journey too far? Or maybe meet somewhere nice in the middle for a treat- a decent pub or garden centre for chat, coffee and cake? If you OH is their only child then this is their only chance to forge a relationship with grandkids.

Tweety1981 mine are young adults now but I remember how hard it was. I remember how relaxed time together was precious. We always seemed to be doing something or going somewhere. I was always telling them to 'do' things when they just wanted to 'be'.

It also depends what kind of family you are, my DP and ds1 are introverts they need alone time. Time on their own is vital to their mental health.

Time together as a family just being and mooching is valuable for you and them.

People forget very quickly

You need to address the needs of your own family. Do what is best for your DC. Let the PIL get angry. You can’t change their behaviour but you can change your reactions. Tell them you will see them on a particular date and stick to it. They can jump up and down and complain but so what? Your DC, your rules.

Thanks for all of your views it has been really helpful . Hope you all have a lovely stress free (!) Christmas too

The only thing I would say is that DHs grandparents had a lot to do with his upbringing and childcare and hence spent a lot of time with him . DHs parents feel they should get the same amount of time with their grandchildren without helping out . From a mums perspective and being realistic I know that one day we will be caring for PIL , and it seems sad that we have a generation of grandparents who adopted and took advantage of the traditional mindset of grandparents helping out when they had their own child , but don’t do the same with their own grandchildren , whilst wishing to maintain the same access and privileges . On the contrary we will be caring for our own children and then them ( the PIL) as they get older . I think we are a generation that have been let down in this regard .

Welcome to the babyboomer generation ... selfish and entitled

6-8 times a year for an hour is cold. Is it? When you live 1.5 hours away?

Umm yes it is quite cold. 1 hour is hardly any time at all!

We don’t visit them for an hour it’s usually at least 5 hours if not more . And actually we live 2.5 hours away now .

I think that because grandparents had a real part of their grandchildren’s lives before ( the good the bad and the ugly ) , grandparents have been given a status that no one can question . But I do think it’s fair to question why one has to spend so much time with their in laws ( what used to be every two to three full weekends ) , when they aren’t or don’t want to fulfill their traditional roles within the family structure ! Surely that’s the reason they gained so much status in the first place ..

Pretty much everyone has said cut it down and keep it regular. However your comparison of seeing your own family for an hour or so 6-8 times a year may mean your expectations are lower than average.

It’s because my family travel and my parents have more than one child (4) to focus on and also spend a lot of time abroad . No I don’t think my expectations are lower .

Benscales , do you have little ones too ? How old ?

Yes 4 and 2. See the in laws once a month. Occasionally DH takes them on his own.

I think an important history that I didn’t think to mention is that the relationship hasn’t always been spectacular . We are a mixed heritage marriage and I have been treated in a discriminatory manner in the past by the in-laws . Although we haven’t let it become the end of our relationship with the in laws, I think it is one of the reasons why we would rather not spend lots of time with them . Being judge and criticised by in laws or family who want you to do things their way is hard enough , but buying your lip when they take the piss out of you and your family is not easy for anyone . I have done so for DH sake . But he and I both know that sometimes the way have treated me has been extremely unfair . Despite this I do what I can . Giving up more time with my children and family when they say so seems a stretch too much.hope that helps .

I think if you live 2.5 hours away once a month is more than fine and it should be alternated so they visit you one month and you visit them the following month. Make separate arrangements with GP. We see our DGDs several times a week but we do a days childcare a week at least and we all live in the same town. I would not leave my DGD2 in a dirty nappy but then I am used to looking after her. Maybe they don't feel confident you would be ok with them changing your babies.

No they won’t change nappies . They told us .