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Elderly parents
Original poster

In-laws want a lot of time

126 replies

Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 00:25

I used to see my in-laws every two weeks or so for the weekend . We lived about an hour and half away . Even when I was pregnant with my first child . My parents / family side didn’t see us as often or expect us to. Since I had my first born I wanted to spend more time as a family unit and genuinely felt stretched by the in-laws demands on our time , with having a baby etc .

They have insisted on creating traditions with our children and try to dictate when we should see them. We don’t see them as often maybe once every couple of months or less . The relationship between us isn’t the same because they are angry we don’t see them as much as they want us to .

They feel they have a right to see our children and have a special place , but they do not wish to get involved in any aspect of the childcare .

They are constantly asking my husband to arrange various visits , we see them one weekend and then they want to see us the next . We are constantly having to make excuses etc it’s becime ridiculous they just don’t give up .

The worst part is they don’t do what they say with their own parents , who are often discluded when we visit .

I’m so frustrated with the situation . Can’t seem to resolve , the pressure is constant and relentless .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 08:25

Oh and they aren’t using the grandparents to ring visits out of us either , if you read my posts you will see that we used to see them every 2-3 weeks for the weekend , even then we still had to visit DH grandparents separately, they never had them over to join us for lunch etc

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ISdads · 23/12/2018 08:26

I do wonder what some people think their 60s should be like. Posters who suggest op will have to get some hobbies, and some friends, like 'shock horror!' Instead of sitting back waiting for your kids to rock up and wait on you hand and foot. I guess we all have different expectations of our 60s. I kind of hope I will have friends and hobbies!

BenScalesIsAGod · 23/12/2018 08:27

I’m not really sure what you’re after OP. You’ve had quite a few suggestions and just keep complaining about them Confused

MessyBun247 · 23/12/2018 08:27

You just have to let them get angry. Don’t let their moods dictate your life. They will get over. You keep giving in to them, so they know if they keep pushing they will get their way. It’s kind of like trying to teach appropriate behaviour to a child.

Set your boundary. Stick to it. Allow them to have a tantrum. Let them have a cool down period. Don’t give it.

Moussemoose · 23/12/2018 08:27

I'd be resentful if they did nothing. To bloody right, I'm nobody's martyr.

If someone came to the house and said "we will mind the kids for a hour while you go shopping" or let you get on with something, brilliant. But if they are sitting waiting to be entertained- no way.

And before you get off on slagging the OP off for her lack of care please note the OP's DH is extremely loyal to his GP. In terms of you reap what you sow the GPs seem to be getting exactly that.

If the GPs were more supportive and keen to involve their parents then they would see their GC more.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 08:28

Lol

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cptartapp · 23/12/2018 08:28

We live an hour away from PIL, we see them maybe every couple of months and always on big occasions, Xmas etc. Of course our DC know who they are. A monthly get together is reasonable when the Dc are young, and alternating visits is also entirely reasonable, so if they choose not to come to you on 'their' month then they miss out for another four weeks. Their choice. Expecting you to go trekking backwards and forwards every time to satisfy their needs is selfish.
IME this will only get worse as they get older, and god forbid when one is left on their own. It will also be a problem when your DC have sports, parties etc at the weekend and a social life of their own.
It really is for your DH to deal with and if this involves not answering the phone then so be it. Their wants do not trump yours.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 08:28

Sorry it’s more That I’m trying to answer everyone’s questions I’m not complaining lol

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Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 08:33

No they definitely sit and weight to be entertained . Even when I was heavily turned pregnant . And once when my hubby made me a cup of tea and FIL told him I can make it myself I’m pregnant not an invalid

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shirleyschmidt · 23/12/2018 08:44

With you @Moussemoose. Nobody is suggesting the GPs provide regular childcare but I'm sure it would be appreciated if they picked up the phone once in a while and said 'hey, if you and DH want to enjoy an hour or two shopping or bite to eat near us, we'll watch the kids here'. Kills two birds. Gives their son a little break while getting their GC fix.

For working families with young children and weekends are precious and hectic. Whilst I accept there is a duty to visit the GP's, it will only ever be the minimum as long as only one side is doing all the work. Can't get my head around parents who are fit and able, and do nothing except make demands on adult kids who are up to their eyeballs.

seven201 · 23/12/2018 08:46

That would drive me mad. Just keep saying no. I like the idea of booking things in far in advance, maybe every 6 weeks ish.

"Sorry no, we're seeing you on the 27th and have no free time before then. [complaints from in-laws] We need time just the four of us at the weekends too, we will see you on the 27th. .... still No... see you on the 27th. Bye."

Yorkshiremum17 · 23/12/2018 08:46

My parents and in laws live a couple of hours away, fortunately in the same place. We go every month and spend one day with one set and the next with the other. If they lived in opposite directions it would still be one visit a month each, but they would get a whole weekend each instead of just a day. It's fair and it works for us. In our case, it's my mum who is more controlling but I've learned to tell her no! One weekend out of for is not to much to give. although there are times it does feel too much!

In your case, I would set a weekend (we do every 2nd Saturday of the month) and stick to it. I would instigate the same for your parents (if they want to see you less, that's a bonus weekend for you)! But in effect one weekend a month allocated for family. When you visit in-laws, I would arrive, have a cup of tea and then make a point of going out to visit grandparents for a few hours. Every time you go.

If in laws, try to get you to go up more just say you are busy, that doesn't work for you. You do not owe them anything, what's the worst they can do, ignore you? Result!

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 08:49

Lol that’s funny

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Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 08:49

Good point .

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Janecon · 23/12/2018 08:54

You need to decide how often you want to visit and stick to it. But you cannot expect to mould people's behaviour. We are all different. My DH hated changing gc's nappies and only ever did it in an emergency. It doesn't make him a bad grandparent - he's a fabulous grandad and the gc adore him.

fluffiphlox · 23/12/2018 08:57

I will be 61 very shortly and I’m enjoying the casual ageism and generalisations on this thread. I don’t have children or grandchildren. I work in a professional role that requires (foreign) travel. I run, ski and go to gigs. Take no prescription medicine. Early 60s is not ‘elderly’. Your in-laws are like they are because they’ve always been like that. Not because they are ‘elderly’.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/12/2018 08:59

I would visit but stay a shorter time. I loved my own dps dearly but never stayed longer than 2 hours unless staying over. But they had a big family so constantly had visitors. Its tough being an only child.
I don't think its true you are not complaining...you are..alot!!
For someone worried about their 60s waiting for dc to vist. I am late 50s . I am embarrassed, sometimes ast how busy l am and have to explain to dc that l won't be around as off with friends/ dh/ at hobbies/ my own siblings etc. I think its vital we are not sitting around waiting for dc as l do not want to turn into that needy parent.
I have one gc that l adore seeing but often can't because my life is too hectic.
My advise is: never stay: go for maximum 3 hours: never expect help as obviously not that type so accept that: go to gps on same visit: . Main thing accept their ways of being when your there as not going to change but ignore pressure for more visits.
And invite over Christmas as a very normal family thing to do . Actually l don't understand why they bother with ye as l would never beg my dc for a visit even if l was sitting in misery at home. It would be too humiliating. I would just get on with my own life.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 09:01

Yea I understand that but I agree with the poster who said that it can’t all be one way when we are up to our eyeballs with work and children and in laws have made it clear they won’t help with children ( even before the children arrived ) it’s not about nappies it’s ANYTHING, anything that needs doing , washing a face or putting a bib on etc etc. Though I accept that you can’t mould their behaviour I don’t accept that we are expected to mould hours and give away precious family time.. my husband works long days and we only have weekends together .. which goes in household chores too though I work harder and harder to keep chores out of the weekend ...

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Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 09:04

Too be honest I’m not sure how I posted into the elderly section

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Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 09:04

I don’t think 60 is elderly

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BertrandRussell · 23/12/2018 09:13

It’s interesting that if grandparents want a share in any of the good stuff about children, there are cries of “they’ve had their turn!” But nappies, childcare, housework? Not so much.......Grin

Moussemoose · 23/12/2018 09:30

Looking after your GC while their parents go out is the good stuff.

I hope when I have GC my children let me look after them, that I get to play with them and take them to the park. I want to have them overnight to give my future DIL a rest. It would be a privilege. I will not demand it but hope I am allowed to.

I want to help my dc because I love them.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 23/12/2018 09:34

Mousse that’s so sweet

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Grace212 · 23/12/2018 09:48

I was confused by your OP - wondered who was elderly and what it had to do with anything!!! I'm 43, my mum is 80, so I was in thinking, in theory I could have a toddler, my mum could just about still have her parents.....!

BertrandRussell · 23/12/2018 10:20

Mousse- it’s interesting that you are maintaining the “mother as senior parent” stereotype!

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