Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

My mum has been seen by a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Also attended cbt and on medication

Sorry to all those who are having a tough time at the moment. Visited relative Monday. Usual 'complaints' about being asked for money (this doesn't happen) and seeing people wearing masks, walking about (there weren't). Although it's draining, it's better than it used to be when they'd call our landline at 2am thinking it was 2pm and that we hadn't been in to visit.
Going to be clearing out their former home soon - I have no idea what to do with the 40 or so years worth of cards, letters etc that are accumulated. The very old stuff may be worth passing on/back but the newer stuff I'm not sure about as dementia means that short-term and recent memory is pretty much non-existent.

update

dad back in hospital. I haven't been to visit.

What I am doing is making a list of stuff that needs to be done. Essentially both parents refuse to accept deterioration and keep calling with latest emergency. Before he went in, they didn't call me because I was at work, but he was incredibly luckly that some neighbours could help out, and also a local paramedic - they did say he shouldn't be on their priority list at all.

so now - list making. Going to present them with so they can't call at the last minute and say "we need this".

Getting a wheelchair for home, number of private care agency, details for fall buttons etc.

meanwhile does anyone know please - I am worried hospital will discharge him on Friday as they usually do. He can't really walk any more, and is using bed pans etc. Mum thinks that means they can't discharge him but I disagree. What do others think?

only the most narrow wheelchair will go through the door frame and they have steps to the house, so someone would have to get him over those.

Hello all- so sorry hear the stories here. All I can say is tr6 and prtec5 yourselves to keep something in the tank- and research help before yo7 need it.
Thanks for the cuppa light- well done for getting stuff sorted but yes I fear Friday discharge could well happen- will he see it/ discharge people? Perhaps worth contacting them? Hope you are protecting yourself.
Yolo- how was the do and frock?

anyone know if it's normal for care agency to say they won't help client with stairs? Thanks.

Don't know about stairs (my dad has a bungalow) but I do know that they won't leave the house with the tumble dryer going.

@OhDearGod

neither would I, but in a block of flats, and there have been fires in tumble dryers haven't there?

I have found another who will help with stairs...at least they said so initially. I can totally see what the concern is, it just hadn't occurred to me.

apologies, more questions

looking at commodes

they don't seem to be as high as I thought? not much higher than the toilet seat? I thought it would help him manage the toilet but if they are about 45 cm, then no help anyway really. Anyone have knowledge of commodes?

WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE. (sorry, just needed to get that off my chest).

Oh light, it’s rock and roll isn’t it? The occ therapist at mums hospital sorted all the kit- or community one can help. A frame to go around the loo with supports which raise the seat and gave handles to cling on to.
Please d3mand an ot assessment with all the toys before discharge. They will know what is best and provide it. They provided walker/ commode etc for dm post hip surgery.

Lighthouse not an expert (!) but google seems to show a couple of height adjustable versions that do go higher. Alternatively what about the raised toilet seat you use on the existing toilet if he is able to make it to the bathroom? Might be easier to persuade him to use and some come with rails to help.

I know - great to have the opportunity to widen our sphere of expertise!

Sandwich and super, thanks so much

I had no idea the hospital were supposed to provide this!

are they supposed to provide a wheelchair by any chance?

I've no objection to buying this stuff, but dad is more likely to face up to this situation if he is actually told in the hospital. My plan was to get it delivered, set it up and basically tell him he has to use it.

he had to be rescued from the bathroom by a neighbour on Tuesday - the day I was home ill - my mum was saying it's probably just as well I was ill as I missed the whole drama (hopefully she has learned something about not calling me when I'm 90 mins away and can't do anything).

Interestingly he allowed a friend to visit yesterday; she said to me today "I had no idea what your father is really like". Hmm. I don't want his friends to vanish because mum needs them, but that was pretty telling.

We have always done as you are suggesting - bought and set it up prior to discharge but if hospital can and do arrange it I would definitely go that route if I could. We get lots of resistance here too!

They are fortunate to have friends who will visit - agree you want to hold onto that for you mum.

Light you have been on my mind as I could feel your utter despair just as you were falling ill.

Although my mum never made it into hospital I did have to set everything up myself when she deteriorated really suddenly.

Phone social services and ask for occupational therapist to call you back urgently. They sent me items for Mum prior to them even visiting, so within a couple of days I had a raised toilet seat and rail, a bed rail and a zimmer. Once they visited they ordered further stuff like a hand rail for her stairs and a perching stool for her when she's in the kitchen (though maddeningly she's put it by the telephone table in the hall and tells me it's not a particularly comfortable seat for long conversations )

The Red Cross can also loan you emergency equipment like wheelchairs, commodes etc. The OT did offer my mum a commode but she prefers to struggle instead . I googled and found the local branches near me, phoned and was advised what equipment they could supply and when / where I could collect it from.

Your local authority will have a ceiling of savings and if your parents have savings below that level then SS will pay for carers. Above your parents will have to fund it.

Organising all this is incredibly hard work and you'll probably get no thanks for it either but it is worth putting your foot down.

Tell SS adult services team when you phone you cannot cope with constant demands / live too far away and they need to come and do an urgent assessment. I believe it was my breakdown on the phone that got things moving for my mum.

Check out if there are charities or other council initiatives to help you / them. Also go see / ring their GP and ask for them to signpost you / your parents for the appropriate post hospital and long term support.

I truly hope you are able to get it all sorted ASAP but I also believe that you have been conditioned to dance to your dads tune and it's a very hard habit to break (on both sides). But once you start putting yourself first and saying no it becomes easier and easier to say each time you have to say it

Finally got to speak to a doctor after a 5 hour wait sitting with mum, who was either frantic or asleep (asleep better). Orthopaedic team want another xray and then fracture clinic appt. DM still very distressed, suicidal, delirious. Doctor says no mental health concerns (although psych team have been they havent written up their notes) but delirium caused by pain and stress. Discovered they have taken her off temazepam which she's been on for 38 years, so got that written up for her for tonight. Orthopaeds may want to reconsider surgery but is very high risk... on the other hand, arm is not healing so there are some difficult decisions to make.

We didnt win at our awards ceremony, but it was all a bit wanky corporate, and we are neither!! Will catch up with everyone later when I have had wine.

Brilliant advice from blue, lighthouse. Red Cross were great for us.
Yolo, sorry about the do- hope you had fun. Your poor Mum- thank heavens she has you and your dB to advocate for her. You must be exhausted.
Finally got a week without appointments for dm so it’s only bins causing stress......

ok, frock pic for those who asked: I'm the one in the specs who looks slightly mad...

oh FFS... hospital just called, she slid/fell out of bed and this is a 'reportable incident'. it was the lovely nurse I've been talking to all day, and I just said not to worry (actually I think it was inevitable). Anyway I dont have to go in as she appears ok - which is good as I have been drinking wine since about 5pm. Not going to tell DB, he's 200 miles away, what could he do?

I'm so sorry it's all me me me again but I will come back later and try to be useful xx

Yolo Like the dress - and not mad looking at all, very glamorous.
Sorry you have had yet another dreadful day, sounds like the wine was essential.

Love the frock yolo- not mad at all! Sorry you’ve had more dm issues.
🌺🌺🍷🍷🍫🍫to all cockroach

You look great yolo. I can’t imagine how you are feeling - it’s a rollercoaster for you

You can't just stop a scrip for a benzodiazepine that someone has been on for 38 years. No wonder she is not herself @yolofish

skinny lady next to me in black is my absolute bestie, and a rock. Withing the space of 5 weeks, she lost her 19 year old daughter, her ancient aunt and her ancient mum. How she is still standing, I do not know. However, I am also her rock... female friends are just the best I often think, and when we are lucky enough to have both real life support and support like we share on here, then it's a marvellous thing. soppy old sap that I am, but today has been hard oh bugger I give up with putting brackets around but cockroach to you all on this thread who are going through stuff we never imagined we'd have to do.

Thanks everyone for the kind words and helpful information

I forgot to address the kind poster who offered a meetup, really appreciate the offer but sadly I don't think I can face any more running around. Really appreciate the thought though. This board has been a lifesaver the last few days, literally!

Yolo, I can't believe they took her off temazepam after all that time.

lighthouse I cant remember where you are, but if I can help at all even for a shoulder to cry on/rant at, I will be near Bournemouth around Oct 17, or otherwise live in deepest darkest kent xxx