Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

I do wonder if they play a bit of hot potato - pass them onto someone else quick, before they get so established, they're there for months. The hospital my dad was in recently certainly shunted him out promptly.

oh absolutely they will want to move her on somewhere. She doesnt need an acute medical bed. What she does need, or will need, is a very high dependency bed. Currently immobile, incontinent and delusional - she'll be easy peasy to find a place for!! Poor old thing. I know we've had this convo before, but honestly if she was a dog we'd be had up for animal cruelty.

Hi all.

I have just had surgery. Not serious but I feel achy and shaky, so I am staying away from my mother. I feel quite cross that in the ten years I have been looking after elderly parents DB has never allowed for the fact that I might not always be able to support my mother. He, in contrast, has a series of reasons why he can't visit. Luckily my mum has the support that comes with very sheltered housing, plus a brilliant carer, and I have the number of a good care agency that could step in. But still have a heap of admin related to managing her assets, effectively a business, that helps pay for it all.

I am also lucky she is not in pain. She was a few months back, but luckily she could pay for speedy access to a private physio, who was able to sort it. If it had been something more serious, it would have been an awful choice between painkillers that would have muted her remaining capacity, or pain. Neither good. And it is a choice that I will have to make one day, not least because without physical health issues she can be expected to spend three years in end-stage demential lying in foetal position. Cockroaches to all.

On another topic MN are carrying out a survey www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/3377940-Tell-MNHQ-why-you-use-Mumsnet

I know that this board attracts a lot of non-mums and provides really useful support, information and a place to rant. A chance to tell them that. The background seems to be that Feminist Chat has become, by far and away, the most active part of MN attracting huge user numbers. The Government are currently running a public consultation on changes to the Gender Recognition Act, which inter-alia could have a huge impact on our oldies' ability to access single sex spaces and personal care. The debate is quite heated, so if it matters to you, perhaps best to head over there, at least to pick up the links to the consultation.

@Needmoresleep

I wish you a very speedy recovery. are you likely to feel better in a period of days? I hope you have some sunshine to see out of your window today. It sounds like your mum is well set for support but of course I understand your anger re your DB.

@yolofish - the medical profession would be done for cruelty I think.

Yolo in my experience hospitals have absolutely no idea how to treat delirium other than get them back home asap and hope for the best.

The problem with any drugs to calm the confusion can also make it worse/last longer. That said, they should be weighing up that risk with how distressed she is in the short term. My mum was given anti-psychotics (haldol) and midazolam, which did calm her, but more in a sedative way than 'fixing' the confusion.

oh need you take care of yourself. Sending a virtual hug and and that you feel better soon. I'm off out to buy a frock for a black tie do on Weds (and hoping my charity wins a rather prestigious award)!! then visiting DM.

need I am so sorry to hear you are suffering. Look after yourself- lots of 🍫🍫☕️☕️🍰🍰. And to hear your s#£& sibling is true to form.
I was thinking last night- what would it take to get my dbs here to help with dm?? The only thing I can think of is reading of a will.
yolo happy shopping and enjoy your event.
🍰🍰☕️☕️🍷🍷and cockroach to all.

yolo

make sure the nurses are turning your mother regularly enough if she is bedbound and have done an assesment for risk of bedsores

got a frock!! local outlet centre so not too dear. Kind of black and red lace over a black underthingy. Sounds tarty but more subtle than that - well at least I hope so!

Then went to see DM who had spent the morning trying to get out of bed and had to have 1-2-1 care. you've never seen anyone so pleased to see anyone as the carer (prob not proper title) was to see me!! They have had to move her bed sideways onto the wall and lower it as far as it will go.

Delusions galore, last night she was taken to a black room which had a yellow circle on the wall but she doesnt know why thinks she might have been kidnapped. And constantly shrieks 'help me, dont leave me'.

It's awful to watch, she is clearly so frightened and no one seems to know what to do about it. DB going to go and sit in ward from 10am tomorrow until psych turns up. I will go about 1 (unless I hear earlier) so at least he can have lunch/fresh air etc to take over the vigil.

Got home to find a message from the discharge mgr to discuss 'our plans for mum'. Dont think so! DB went and spoke to nurse in charge, there are no plans.

billys good point, the thing is she cant lie on her right side (broken arm) and cant stay on her left side (too weak). If she was well enough they'd have her up in a chair like a shot.

That sounds really desperate about your mum’s condition now yolo. I think we probably need to see the dress...

Need thanks for the heads up. I must admit I keep my head down re trans issues. I know two trans women who are both lovely and I have no issue with them. However I have also had a nasty experience with two men wearing skimpy bikinis in a ladies changing area (swimming pool) obviously taking the piss out of all women present. So I have mixed views

I had a major attack of hysteria this morning

I realised that's what these absent siblings are protecting themselves from

I don't know how to cope any more.

oh lighthouse take a deep breath, and then another few, and then just try and step back for a few minutes at least. Cry if you need, shout, hit walls, cut something in the garden down savagely. This is the hardest thing I've ever done (and by god, I found babies and toddlerhood hard). The only think keeping me going is 'this too will pass' and it will, eventually.

Much love to you.

sandwich if we win I will post a pic! (ps, I am the short fat one...)

Well, my mum has moved, and it's disastrous she hates the place and is furious with my sister and i, my sister and SIL have fallen out (actually they have never got on, being in the same place for a day was fatal but im pretty angry with my sil for not appreciating what my sister has put herself through. It's all a total mess. Planning to visit mum every day this week to try and shore up her spirits. Oh dear.

Yolo i hope you will ask the hospital team for THEIR plans given that your dm has been in a revolving doir if failed discharges and unsustaonable placements for months. They're supposed to be the experts.... hope your evening out is fun though!

annan will she get used to it do you think? she can only have been there a couple of days (?) - might be the change that has pissed her off as much as anything. Maybe you can help her get the place sorted to her liking (ha bloody ha, but you know what I mean)?

As for sisters, and SILs, I dont know any more... although I am getting on better with my SIL than DB at the moment. DB is very angry and like a coiled spring - if someone said the wrong word I think he would explode and possibly hurt someone (at least mentally if not physically) - he doesnt do anger very well. I just rant and rave to anyone I can find, but that doesnt seem to have worked either.

light you poor sausage. Please seek support and help from wherever you can. Rant away here if it helps- we understand and will offer whatever support we can. Take the data to the doc. Anti ds may help. But please put your needs up the agenda.
anna that’s c@#£. After all the angst and distress. Hope you can reassure your dm.
ilove so glad you had a break.
yolo love the sound of the frock! Good luck tomorrow- gird your loins for battle.
nota good thinking re hiding the bulbs.....
need look after yourself.
And @picklemepopcorn how are you doing?

RE ADs
I've had depression and anxiety for years, on pills for years

They don't touch the sides on this scenario, they've kept me alive and holding down a job over the years but I've upped my dose when this happened and still no result

I was first called to a parental death bed twenty years ago and yet HERE WE ARE AGAIN.

I can't hold on to the idea that there will be an end, I might actually die first. I don't mean that melodramatically. It's a genuine statement. There is something about their generation, they are made of steel.

It's a huge fight to get a tranquilliser out of any of the GPs at my surgery. My doctor didn't even believe this rise in blood pressure was caused by all this. He's keeping an eye and thinking to medicate.

DP thinks it might be better for me to just walk away. The trigger this morning was dad asking me to do something, on very short notice, that no less than three friends offered to do for him already. All he did was rant at me about how they were vultures enjoying his illness (total rubbish).

I thought my breakdown on the phone was enough for him to get things in perspective but no, he called again two hours later and said cheerily "are you feeling better now".

My face is so swollen from crying, I can see my cheek from the corner of my eye.

Apologies for the self absorption. I thought after years and mental health issues, a spinal injury, and carrying on helping them out, there would be a time I enjoyed my life. Perhaps I'm breaking my heart because I can't see that future any more.

lighthouse a big big hug. you sound like you've reached the end of your tether, and I can think of nothing useful to say except that tomorrow, as Scarlett O'Hara once said, is another day. And maybe tomorrow we can all think of some ways for you to try and carve some of your life back? lots of love, and hoping you can sleep. xxx

Oh lighthouse I am so sorry. Sounds like you are really on the edge. Can you get away at all for a weekend/ day or anything? You sound so trapped. Could this be a turning point?
I know what you mean about not seeing an end. And wondering where your life is going. Friends have found carers association helpful, but sounds like you need to find ways to protect yourself and put boundaries in place. I assume you have tried cbt or similar?
A huge hug and every sympathy. You are heard here. 🌺🌺🍷🍷🍷

@thesandwich

"Could this be a turning point?"

Yes it could be. If he's well enough to complain about everything, to insist everything is done his way e.g. A bank bill paid over the counter instead of by cheque, to insist he can run my mother into the ground and refuse help from friends who live nearby and think the sun shines out of his arse.....on balance I think perhaps I should let them get on with it.

I feel sorry for my mother but she admits she knew what he was like when she married him, I think she wanted someone to run her life for her.

That kind of ego, combined with extraordinary medical advances, will mean he lives years and he won't get any kinder. I should walk away and leave them to it.

8 hours I was there on Sunday and all they actually "needed" doing was a change of bed linen and watering the garden. Oh and I posted some letters....I'm pretty sure one of them was a consumer complaint. I have never ever known anyone to make so many. The only reason he stop shouting at shop assistants and such like was that when I did those kinds of jobs, I explained to him what a tough spot those people were in. Though maybe he still does it and just doesn't tell me.

Sending a hug and to us all tonight. One day at a time and please try to have time to be kind to yourselves x

Lighthouse, reread your posts. You are saying this cant go on. You are right. It is totally unreasonable. But it is really hard to stand up to parents, after years of conditioning. I came close to going under six years ago. Really close. I was looking into the abyss. My brother would even forward complaints my mother was making about me, and "order" me to comply with her wishes. No acknowledgement of my physical and mental exhaustion.

I have, however, come through it and with a better perspective of my childhood and of who I am.

My advice would be to decide you are ill, because you are, tell everyone and take a couple of weeks completely off. Act like you have flu, indeed convince youself that you are ill and look after yourself. Then protect yourself. You only do things that you want to do. And in terms of your parents these should only be things that are necessary for their welfare. You dad will almost certainly kick off - my mum did. He is used to you being compliant and wont want a change in the relationship. Honestly the more you can get perspective on his behavours the less power he will have. I was able to use DH. My mother is old fashioned and though she felt able to demand from me, deep down she was worried DH might put his foot down. I only had to hint. Ultimately she was frightened that she would be left completely alone. And even now I try to get him to come with me. He diverts her and she is charming to him, whilst I quickly do what needs to be done and we are then able to leave quickly and do something nice.

And if you want to rant IRL and are anywhere London, message me.

I second need advice about taking time off sick, it's a good plan. Also the bit about your DH putting his foot down - if your dad is the kind of man I think he might be then he will probably respect DH for it and be glad to see you are being a good little wifey. It may well go against all your principles (it would mine!) but who cares about the means as long as you get to a better end?

I hope yolo and lighthouse who having a particularly tough time at the moment are ok and you too Billy.

It is hard to step back or even to step away for a while but it is sometimes the only way to go on. We are in a slight lull here and so I am deliberately not rushing in as that only encourages the thought I can. We all have a maximum and can not do more however much we or anyone else might like to feel we can.

My DP doesn't see my parents, it's Need who was saying about a DH putting their foot down.

Need, I hope you're recovering all right?

Thanks for kind words everyone. I've just got up after taking a sleeping pill at 5am. I called in sick to work yesterday, will go in tomorrow for sure. They're not fussed tbh as I'm on the voluntary redundancy list now.

I will read replies properly now with a cup of coffee!