Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

She is very lonely! Long history of mental health problems and past alcohol abuse have left her very isolated. There's only me (4 hour drive away) and her sister that lives abroad. It's hard because on the one hand I feel very sorry for her but, on another, lots of her problems are of her own doing and it's not my fault our relationship isn't a close one...! I think she'd do very well in sheltered accommodation as she'd be close to other people. Just a case of a waiting list....

Yes fast for me too. 2 years ago life of Riley on all fronts. Now the classic 40-something grandparent-teenage sandwich with mid-life career crisis and marriage 17 year itch to boot!

My parents are driving me mad, and I'm so so tired. I've shouted at DM and DDad and DP today.

Seventeen years! I hadn't realised- thought it was newer for some reason. We're 25 yrs come Christmas.

Sorry you are having a tough time. I bet DM, DF and DP have all shouted at you, at some point.

Oh yes. They have.

What you say, picklemepopcorn, about feeling responsible but lacking power is so true.

I asked my mother not to mumble yesterday and she responded by saying that I was "always having a go at her". The hypocrisy and the irony are staggering! Anyway, I've been meaning for weeks to ask whether anyone else had seen this article. It struck a lot of chords with me.

Brilliant article pickle! Resonated with me!!! Thank you.

Oops I meant more!

what a powerful article. At 69 I have only just been released from caring responsibilities. The assumptions made that I would 'step in' for children, husband, parents, step parents, in-laws and grandchildren has dominated my whole life. Some of it I have enjoyed and some of it I have been thanked for. Most of it though,I have done with resentment, because no other person , male of female would step in.

I do not spend much money because I am determined that none of my family will need to give up their life to care for me. My children know that once I lose capacity my savings are there for my care.

Its a great article, and says what so many of us feel on a day to day basis - judged, blamed, never able to win, and often unable to really talk about how we feel because of these things.

I'm helping a colleague whose mum has recently been diagnosed with an incurable brain tumour plus had a stroke during surgery, negotiate the maze of things you need when someone is suddenly ill. It turns out her dad cannot do anything - through depression or dementia is unknown right now, and she is struggling to take over their lives. Our kids are the same age, and she wailed to me yesterday that she thought she'd known what I went through, but now realises she hadn't got a clue. Her mums frustrated by her dad, her dad shouts at the kids, she's working FT plus having lost all her childcare and cooking dinner/ organising appointments/driving her mum to things as her dad is now incapable - and all with the knowledge that she is most likely to lose her mum before Christmas. Somehow I think I have it better as I never had any help.

My dad fell out of bed the other day. His 'bad' leg is swollen to 3 times its normal size and the skin is splitting. Hoping the antibiotics get it under control soon.

In other news, it appears that my brother and his family are trying to move close to her family - who are but a short drive from mine. I'm so looking forward to brother being able to pop in weekly, arrange things like a carpet cleaner and be the rapid response when things go wrong!

I'm glad you've all managed to find something in that article. As I read it, I thought it encapsulated so many of the things we talk about here. I was especially struck by the notion that daughters do as much as they can, while sons do as little as they can get away with.

I don't post here often, because I'm usually in a state of shock and despair, but I'm so glad to have found a place of support and solidarity. and for you all.

So am going on holiday soon with my kids and hubby worried sick about leaving my parents my dad falls on a regular basis also has parkinsons and my mum is like a sparrow and can't walk the length of herself my brother? ?lives the other side of Scotland about over an hour away stressed is the not the word,we live 5 mins away and regularly go down to pick my dad up (he also us just out of hospital after breaking a hip).I know this sounds awful but I keep thinking if he has to break something could it not have been his arm ??

Well that made me cry. Thanks more !

Seriously though. My DB is abroad. He returns to live fairly locally in July. I bet he thinks Sunday lunch once a fortnight is the right level of involvement. I'm going to make him unpack boxes for the whole of August. Least he can do.

Edd, start writing down all the things you do for your mum and dad for the next month - the calls, the shopping, the 'can you just look at this', appointments, arranging handymen/cleaners and so forth. So when your db tells you that he's too busy to do things, you can show him just what it takes to keep your mum and dad going.

Foxy, it sounds like you need to get some respite care for your dad while you are away. Sell it to them however you think will work - for your peace of mind 'I don't want to waste all that money worrying myself about you after that fall', make your brother do the telling, take the doctors name in vain and say they aren't happy with no one around to help. Whatever works!

Great advice cmot!

They lived with me for 3600 hours. That's a lot in the bank!

Thank you for posting that article @MoreElderlyParentWoes it pretty much sums up my life, but is put so much better than I could ever express it.

I'm glad you found it interesting,
Notaflyingmonkey.

I'm feeling really down again. I have to go away for a while and, as always, my mother is making it clear that she won't make any other arrangements for getting to the shops etc. She just won't go. I know this is her choice, but the guilt-tripping is really wearing me down.

More that is so hard. Could you book an online delivery of essentials? And then go with light heart. You cannot do any more. 🌸🌸

Hello Darlings it's badders here with my new nc
Have read but not retained much [brain fog]
Hope you are all doing as well as you can
Well I'm still struggling on
My own health issues are flaring up a and mum is being vile
It was dad's b day last Friday so I promise out
Not sure my brother or sister even rang
It's the anniversary of his death on 27th and I'm away for a couple of days with dh and the kids.
I'm thinking of begging for my job back tbh
Then I could just stop seeing her so much
Sorry for the moan
Feel so low :(

Hello Badders in disguise! Sorry to hear you feel so rough and so low. Your DM doesn't deserve you.
Don't ask for you job back - but perhaps pretend you have?😜😜😜? I have reduced my work considerably- far more than DM knows. And I constantly cite things dp has asked me to do for him to keep me busy.
You cannot make your DM happy. Please protect yourself. You deserve to be happy.

Hello!
Glad you are finding a Balance...so hard isn't it?
I'm feeling really quite cross with her today.
Silly really
She won't change

I need to set up some boundaries with mum.
Maybe say I will visit three times a week instead of everyday?
I have to pop in this morning to return Something but then I'm coming home.
Dh also upset me yesterday...why do they think they can talk to me like this??
Because I let them I guess.
Ds1 had an asthma attack on Friday and we ended up in a and e.
Dh was in the US
No support at all from mum or siblings.
I need to just stop expecting them to care I think.
I overheard my bro on the phone yesterday (he rings her everyday...i will whittle him a fucking medal! 🎖) and he is only NOW worrying about hold care for my Dn for the summer holidays....I wonder who he will ask? hollow laughter
Gah.
Sorry to be a misery.

You sound so burnt out- and your health must come first. Boundaries, boundaries- don't tell your mum you will visit threee times a week, just on your next visit say I'll see you on x with some reason or another.
She may grumble but your visits aren't making her happier only making you unhappy.
And childcare for your niece- check out the workzilla threads! No is a complete sentence. Think about if you would like to do a bit e.g. If your ds would benefit but it is not your problem!!!! Not my monkeys not my circus- old polish proverb. " sorry that doesn't work for me" good luck!!

And do not apologise for moaning!!!?you have every right!!?this is what this place is for .look after yourself.🌸🌸🌸🌸