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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

992 replies

thesandwich · 04/04/2017 09:54

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

OP posts:
yolofish · 01/01/2018 04:01

I wish you all a happy and peaceful 2018. I dont think anyone understands the stress of caring for elderly parents until it happens to you. DM is 87, as is FIL - yet the difference between them is quite extraordinary. I suppose it is that FIL has MIL still, while my dad died 21 years ago and that takes its toll. One thing I am finding very hard to process is that as DM gets even older, even less capable, even frailer, even deafer, and needs me more and more I find it harder to forgive that I was sent to boarding school at 10 and effectively never lived at 'home' again. So I was a little girl, sent away, but now I am doing the caring I didn't really get? it's quite a hard thing to process for me.

Original poster
thesandwich · 01/01/2018 08:16

Wishing you all a happy new year and a wish for joy amongst everything else.
Yolo- I understand exactly. I realise the amount of care I have given my dm by far exceeds what I ever had........ but I saw a quote which resonated- something like what we do for others is about who we are rather than who they are.... hmmm.
What are your resolutions? Mine are to facilitate, not do- and put my needs up the agenda. Self care. And seeking joy.

OP posts:
MoreCheerfulMonica · 01/01/2018 11:14

Happy New Year, everyone!

Yolo and Sandwich - That resonates with me, too. My mother has never been the nurturing sort (shockingly the opposite at times) so I tell myself that, by trying to be kind to her, I am increasing the kindness in my life. I shall be making similar resolutions.

mullmepopcorn · 01/01/2018 14:02

There's a theme there- my mother was not a great parent. My sibs were at boarding schools and unhappy. I wonder if closer, more emotionally connected families manage these situations more positively- more cooperatively, and for those of us who find it particularly hard it's because of the nature of the parent.

MoreCheerfulMonica · 01/01/2018 14:31

I do think there's a theme, Popcorn. My mother has always been a difficult person with difficult behaviour. It shaped family life when I was a child and it does still.

notaflyingmonkey · 01/01/2018 17:54

I agree re the theme. What I do for DM now I do out of duty, rather than love or care.

My new year's resolution if to put myself first once in a while. 2017 was a year when I was running on empty for most of the time, and I don't think I have another year of that left in me.

Good luck for 2018 all Flowers

mrsreynolds · 01/01/2018 18:04

Happy New year to you all

Mum has a chest Infection but is on abx and feeling better

It's her b day tomorrow and promised to take her out - regretting that now

I'm planning on more time for me this year

We shall see!!

Karmagician · 01/01/2018 20:49

i agree this makes it all the more difficult. I would have done almost anything for my mum and not questioned it, but my dad was a very absent parent when we were growing up and now all he talks about is 'family' - and I'm tempted to say: "well if you don't put it in......" So yes, all about 'duty, which breeds resentment and, quite frankly, contempt at times. Thank you Sandwich and Monica for the stuff about focusing on the kind of people we want to be 'though, as I think this helps. I'm very aware that I can be guilty of doing lots of stuff for people (generally) and then being horribly disappointed if they don't appreciate it enough, so I think there's something there about being honest with myself about why I'm doing it - what's in it for me? But also if it's not making any apparent difference - and essentially therefore making me feel worse - then I need to stop doing it. As many of you have already said, I realise that even if I could be there 24/7 for my dad, (God forbid!), it still wouldn't be enough.

yolofish · 02/01/2018 00:21

karma 24/7 - oh the horror! DM always wants more of me, on an emotional level, and I just dont want to give it, because once she has wormed something out of you she keeps on an on about it. eg I would never mention a row with DH or one of the DDs. There is a family gathering next week - DB, SIL (staying with DM), 2 of his girls plus partners and one small child (renting a cottage), and his son/wife and baby coming down for the day. The first thing she said to DB was "how lovely! I do hope the great grand children arent coming" He was fuming for 24 hours... yet she complains that she's lonely and never sees anyone. Sorry, that was a bit of a rant.

My resolutions: keep my emotional barriers up with her; continue running my brain cancer charity; accept that I am doing my best.

Justturned50 · 03/01/2018 16:40

Hello all. Decided it might be time to join you all. DM has lived next door to me for 18 months or so and it as been hard work all the way. She looks after herself... just a about but copes with very little else by herself. Lots of confusion and anxiety. We have an appointment at the beginning of February to review her assessment at the Memory Clinic before Christmas. Not sure what to expect.

picklemepopcorn · 03/01/2018 17:06

I hope that assessment goes well! It's not something I know anything about, but I bet someone else does!

My mum is refusing to have anyone with her at the care meeting planned about my dad. We've been warned that she will need the support, as it will be quite technical and no punches will be pulled. They need to discuss the level of care he needs, how to pay for it, and how the disease will progress.

She insists she doesn't want us with her, as she wants to make her own decisions. However, she can't decide on a train set for her grandson and it took her so long to choose a wheelchair that it is too late for him to use it.

Hey ho. I can see myself moving back home for a while. If I knew how long for, it would be easier. Sad

yolofish · 03/01/2018 20:41

welcome just. pickleme can you really seriously consider moving back home? please look after yourself xx

Karmagician · 03/01/2018 21:06

Welcome to the thread Justturned50. I'm also not sure about the process at the Memory Clinic but assuming it will provide some clarity on a diagnosis and what the options are going forward. Hoping it goes well for you both.
Pickle i'm with yolo: i'd think very carefully before moving back home. i think you have to insist that someone goes with your mother to the care meeting as this potentially has huge implications for all of you. i know it's hard though - watching their independence slowiy being eroded.

picklemepopcorn · 03/01/2018 21:19

It's hard to know what to do.
I want to spend time with my dad before he dies.
I want to make sure he gets the best care.

I don't want to have to bite my tongue and tiptoe around my mother, though. When I last went down, I thought he may go within days, but he stabilised. So here we are.

I'm Christmasrage, by the way! Back under my usual name. I'll stay on this thread after we lose dad, because I'll still be supporting Mum. All the house move, PoA stuff, banking etc.

Original poster
thesandwich · 03/01/2018 21:48

Welcome just.
Pickle- I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. But as others say- please think really carefully about moving home. Could you stay nearby? Could you speak to the authorities before the meeting?
Hope everyone else is looking after themselves.

OP posts:
AntiqueOlive · 03/01/2018 21:53

My dad has an alarm and has used it twice. Both times the service has been brilliant. They have first phoned an ambulance and then phoned me to tell me what's happened. Its invaluable if you ask me.

AntiqueOlive · 03/01/2018 21:56

sorry - my post above does appear rather random - I thought I was still on the page where alarms were being discussed - but it's a few pages back. Apologies for gatecrashing so rudely!

Original poster
thesandwich · 04/01/2018 09:54

Welcome olive! Not random at all!😉

OP posts:
Justturned50 · 04/01/2018 10:34

Thanks for making me welcome. Yes looking at some kind of dementia diagnosis I guess. DM is 82 so I'm hoping that it's partly age. I also think that she is depressed and suffers from anxiety (as I do) and that things will stabilise a little the more she settles. The move was an enormous upheaval and she left her friends and networks behind.

What do folks do about company for their older relatives. DM doesn't go our alone so it's just me popping in. She doesn't make phone calls to old friends so just sits a lot of the time.

Alonglongway · 04/01/2018 12:19

My parents both have dementia and have both been seen by the memory service. Dad has vascular dementia and they basically just confirmed that and signed him off as there’s no treatment - not quite that brusque but that’s what it amounted to.

Mum has Alzheimer’s and she was assigned to a community dementia specialist nurse. He didn’t have loads to add as we’d already made good progress with carers by the time this happened, but it was useful to have her diagnosis confirmed. On the basis of his advice, we self referred to a dementia day centre, which she has been going to 3-4 times a week for the last couple of months. It’s hard work getting her organised and out the door (I’ve been out doing that this morning) but she loves it and it has raised her wellbeing generally. Dad is also welcome to go but he hasn’t liked it and prefers to stay home, so we maintain a lunchtime carer visit for him.

They were also asssessed by an OT from the memory service. Again, not much to add as we already have most of the specialist clocks etc and the carers are great, but I imagine a dementia specialist OT might be useful for someone earlier in their diagnosis

Doctordonowt · 04/01/2018 12:55

I am not sure if everyone k own this. Those people with Alzheimer’s do. It have to pay The Community Charge.

Justturned50 · 04/01/2018 14:06

Thanks alonglong your situation sounds hard going. Do you have anyone to share it with? I'm hoping some kind of diagnosis will open things up a little. I work full time and have children still at school so don't have a lot of time to spare.

Alonglongway · 04/01/2018 15:14

We’re a small family and my brother has gone away for a long trip so it’s heavier than usually for me. It was ticking over reasonably well but now I’m having to plug gaps unexpectedly which is quite difficult. But I’m really keen to be proactive and avoid a hospital admission for either of them if we can, so I’m reducing my hours at work for a couple months

As I posted above, we had a very difficult time last winter so I’m being proactive about putting in more support where I think it will genuinely help. Having a strong relationship with the carers is a huge help. They’ll give me a heads up to concerns but manage a lot themselves - makes a huge difference.

picklemepopcorn · 04/01/2018 15:56

Age UK have a visiting service to support older residents- but they try to use it to encourage them to go out. So they will take them to a local group for the first few goes, etc.
Churches often have good activities- a regular lunch or coffee morning.
There will be other suitable groups as well, day centres who will collect etc.

yolofish · 04/01/2018 21:23

pickle (or christmasrage!) but how do you actually get them to engage? DM wont go to anything, "they're full of old people talking about their health" - yes I get the irony. She will go once but then complain about the people she met - too old, too ill, too common (not those words but that's what she means). She turns away any offers of socialising.

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