Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

The futility of planning and making suggestions resonates- and it's Interesting to hear that unwelcome carers gradually became accepted with a tweaking of the time table. We may need that, if dad comes home. They are suggesting four times a day.

Have you found that being very clear about what happens in each visit helps? I think that is what mum needs.

I have a friend who trains people to work as carers for people with dementia and she gives me lots of great advice. I was fretting about planning ahead and she said just cross each bridge as you come to it. Ive also accepted we cant fix everything so just try and work on the most important and let some of it go.

We’re currently using 19 hours a week of care. We call them home help and just keep emphasising to mum that she’s entitled to get some help at this stage in her life. We’ve experimented with longer visits and different patterns and settled on this for the moment - an hour at breakfast, lunch and tea. In the early days we did specify what should happen but now we have an established team of carers, I leave it to them to judge. The agency are fantastic and work very hard at the chemistry. They aim to have a steady team of 3-4 carers covering all the hours so there is continuity and good relationships.

Last year I was very preoccupied with trying to plan ahead. Now I don’t. Just putting the best arrangements I can in place for the moment and taking advice as we go.

This (above) is very helpful and good to hear others agreeing. I am a planner. I mean I am an actual (town) planner and my job involves planning ahead. So the complete futility of doing so when we have no idea what's round the corner is really stressful. At the moment, I'd say there's a 50:50 chance that mum will die within the month, or that she'll improve and need to move to a nursing home. Coming home seems unlikely. Today I found a photo her friend sent her of a train trip they took around Romania back in September - only three months ago. It was very poignant, when at the moment we are excited if she opens her eyes and tries to say hello.

Am trying to remind myself that I can't do everything and the things I am doing are making life a bit easier for both of them. And they are safe.

Hello Can I just pop in for some advice please?

My DM is in her 60’s and health so-so for now. She lives 100 miles away and is widowed. She has 1 set of good neighbours and 1set of awful ones. DM worries about safety. Has suggested internal CCTV in her bungalow so I could check in on her. I’ve said I feel uncomfortable with this, from a privacy perspective (hers, not mine).

She has a mobile phone, is happy using it but failing eyesight and hearing is proving difficult. She uses a magnifying glass to see the phone.

Can any of you suggest any products for personal safety? In case of a fall or injury etc. She does not want me to sign up to a monthly subscription for something she might never need. I’ve ruled out a smart watch as she just can’t see it well enough to use in an emergency. She loves her home and doesn’t want to move closer to me. I can’t move to her as our extended family, jobs, schools etc are all here. I want to help her remain independent for as long as she wants to be. Any other ideas? Is there something obvious I’ve missed? TIA

There are things like personal alarms, fall mats etc. Why not CCTV if it would make her feel safe? Look at 3 rings, you plug it into a socket of something they use every day (eg kettle). If it hasn't been used by a certain time, it alerts you.

www.3rings.co.uk

We have 3rings. We’ve had the original smart plug for almost 2 years and it’s brilliant. We’ve also been trialling some of their internet of things sensors for the last couple of months

Hello you lovely people! I have read many post with a sage nod of recognition. My DM has had a horrible, horrible year. She's spent most of it in hospital and is now pretty much bed bound in a nursing home. I feel for those of you caring for parents who are trying to cling onto their independence in their own homes - I remember the stress and anxiety that caused. I know Mum's situation is very difficult, but I am trying to focus on the positives - her nursing home is lovely, the staff are so caring and it is very close to home. I pop in every couple of days, but it's really very difficult as although Mum knows what she is trying to say, what comes out is gobbledygook. All I can do is nod and agree. I think she was talking about her will today - I had to reassure her that she had sorted it out when she was competent & organised. She talks about Dad sometimes, which is heartbreaking as he died 7 years ago. She had a UTI and the home called the doc on Christmas night. The DR wanted to take her into hospital, which I refused, as she had such a horrible time in there earlier this year. It was the right call, as she's now taking her antibiotics and seems less confused (although still incoherent). Growing old is really quite crap isn't it!

They do say that growing old is not for the fainthearted, don't they?

Hello all and a very warm welcome to newbies! Ask away- loads of wisdom on here.
I love the collateral damage term. It says so much- and I can see how that has affected my dh and dd.
On aids- I found some good phones with enormous numbers on hearing direct’s website- also extra loud. Doro do really simple ones. The ot via doc referral was really helpful. Telecare has worked well for dm.
And the grind of negativity.... it can be relentless. Trying to protect ourselves via insulating with good things- remembering we need essential self maintenance to be any use to anyone. Sending and to all.

Thanks so much for the 3 rings link, it sounds fab and I will check it out.

I probably will set up cameras for her, I just feels wrong at the moment, to soon maybe. She doesn’t have a history of falls or injuries, dementia etc. But 3 rings sounds great.
Thanks All xx

I’ve thought long and hard about cameras for my parents house and am not keen.

I’m not happy about the privacy issues and also knowing how I am, I think I’d get obsessed with checking and it would add to my stress. I also don’t want to capture images that might haunt me later. I have turned up at the house and picked my dad up off the floor 5-6 times. I’m wary of seeing that image on my phone.

Have you had a look at Echo? My parents’ dementia is too advanced for them to learn new things so we haven’t explored it in depth with them in mind but it has interesting potential. You can now use it for calls.

We’ve got 3rings smart plug on the kettle and that’s set to give an alert if the kettle is not used between x and y times in the mornings. You can adjust it to whatever suits. They have updated the plugs now so they communicate with any phone network - makes them very reliable.

We’re trialling their new sensors - 2 motion detectors and a temperature sensor. Very good. You end up with a chart of what a typical day looks like so you can see if things are changing

The other thing i’ve learned is that you don’t necessarily want all emergency systems pointing only to you. That’s really stresssful. I’ve really campaigned with my parents to get them to use the council fall alarm scheme. It’s really good. They turn up quickly, get dad on his feet and basically safe and off they go.

That fall alarm scheme sounds excellent. It doesn't work like that where my parents are. They will only go through the programmed numbers. My dad has had several falls. the carers wont pick him up, even if they are there when he falls. The ambulance will take upwards of 5 hours. He spent 4 hours in the bath, covered with duvets, before anyone came to get him out.

And that wasn't the ambulance, it was daughter and care trained grandchild. Mum doesn't ring ambulance anymore, she rings neighbours. If she can get two or three of them together they can do it.

I’ve checked out the 3 rings plug. It looks great but unfortunately my mum won’t go for it at this stage, just because of the monthly subscription element. I am happy to pay it but she thinks it’s a waste when she hopes to be living independently for at least another 10 yrs.

I did buy her an echo dot for Christmas, and she loves it! She has to be sat next to it to hear, due to her deafness. But I tested it from both ends of her bungalow and Alexa could hear my commands. The drop in feature means I can contact her without her picking up the phone. I had an issue recently where she misplaced the phone on the base unit, so it didn’t charge and it was a week before she realised/I phoned her neighbour in a panic.

Mum sends me a text every morning (just to let me know she made it through the night ) so I can now pop on to the Alexa app and see what random question she has ask and know mums still her dotty self!

Thankfully she hasn’t had any falls but think I can make a case for 3 rings in the future if sending a text gets too much for her.

Mull so sorry your Dad is having to wait so long for help. It’s really crap,I’m not sure I’d be able to cope with that. I feel guilt as it is now. for you and your Dad. x

Oh god the guilt! I have 2 SN dc, a dp that works away, full time job and a parent in EOLC. Between me and dp we see him twice a week. It's a 2 hr round trip. Have a dsis
who's 5 mins away from parent who visits a lot more and sorts out meds but we always attend medical stuff together. So the guilt is just the overwhelming feeling. Plus I've had my anxiety meds upped after a very difficult Christmas so can't drive as much so dp is shouldering more of the visits so I feel guilty about that too! Plus parent gets stroppy when I don't visit and dp does instead. It's excruciating when I think about it so trying to just deal with it 5 mins at a time. 💐 to all.

Guilt is hard to deal with, because there is always more that one could be doing, if one had unlimited time and no other commitments, but that's not how things are for most of us. Something I've been reflecting on recently is the difficulty in setting boundaries; my mother has made it plain that she'd like daily visits (in fact she's envious of a widowed neighbour whose single son has moved back in with him) but that's just not possible. So on we plod.

Something I've been reflecting on recently is the difficulty in setting boundaries;

Gosh yes.* As a child you learn to make your parents happy. And that desire overhangs into adult hood even when what your parent wants isn't as simple as eating your cabbage, but it's about what they want in the moment and not seeing all your other commitments. Then I feel cross, (and sometimes It kicks up old hurts from childhood). It's really so complicated isn't it.*

Oh spot on. I understand instantly what you say- and on reflection why dealing with frail il’s was easier because it was in the moment rather than all the history in the relationship. Yes- worth reflecting on, thank you.

headinhands perhaps you need to just properly take a couple of weeks out and focus on you or you sound like you could be heading for a nervous breakdown. I got to this point about a year ago and found myself crying with friends in a cafe one lunchtime who begged me to STOP. Thankfully i listened, returned to work and spoke to my manager to say that I needed to go home and take some time out.... I got signed off work for 2 weeks with stress and focused on getting me better. I told my dad - not the full story - but that I needed to take some time off work as wasn't well. I think it did jolt him into thinking about the toll all of this was taking on me and my brother - but unfortunately that didn't last long. Whether our parents appreciate it or not we DO have other commitments and, if we have young DC and partners of our own, we have other people that need us too. Please put yourself first for a while - it's the old adage of putting your own oxygen mask on first. Sending

That image of putting your own oxygen mask on first is spot on.

I just lost a post agreeing that it's very, very complicated. As a child (certainly in the era of my own childhood) one was taught that it's imperative to make one's parents happy and that's always there at the back of one's mind. The paradox I face now is that my mother is locked in a very negative pattern of thinking and behaving and is adamant that her situation can never improve, and yet wants more visits and more attention. By her own logic, that won't help her, and as she's frequently verbally abusive it's not something I relish. And yet, and yet.

As 2017 comes to a close wishing you all strength and peace in 2018 x

Last New Year’s Eve dad was in hospital and then mum admitted. She had a chest infection and 3rings plug alerted us she hadn’t used the kettle. Brother and DD2 (then 16) broke in and found the fever had gripped and she was hallucinating. Brother broke down crying so DD2 took control, called ambulance and went to hospital with her. I was there already with DD1.

We saw mum admitted, stopped and had a drink and left bang on midnight with all the fireworks going. Honestly if you saw it on TV you’d think it was corny rubbbish but that’s what happened.

I’m kind of amazed we’re still here a year later. Wasn’t sure they’d last the year and still both be at home. Went to see them this evening and they were in good form. I’m amazed by the carers - didn’t know much about the reality of their work before this and now I’m seeing it up close I’m deeply impressed