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Elderly parents
Original poster

Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

992 replies

thesandwich · 04/04/2017 09:54

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 04/01/2018 22:15

Ah, yes. Well.

Could she help other people? Have a role there? Read with children at school? That sounds so familiar. DM is able, but quite isolated. When you make suggestions she's 'much to busy for that!' And gets rather 8ndignant. I prefer kids to parents, any day!

yolofish · 04/01/2018 23:14

she's pretty much housebound nowadays, deaf as a post... I am a bad daughter because I cant cope with taking her out unless for a medical appt. If I take her out to lunch she shouts really loudly (because she's deaf) but it's always either comments about how dreadful other people are or really personal things!!

Justturned50 · 05/01/2018 01:35

Thanks pickle I'll need to look at these options and then persuade her to try something like that.

picklemepopcorn · 05/01/2018 07:35

Yolo, what do you think would happen if you told her off for behaving badly? 'Mum, I'm not taking you out because you embarrass me, your mean comments are loud enough for everyone else to hear!'

A friend is 'telling it straight' to her mum at the moment. She says it helps. I'm not doing that to mine because of our situation, but I'm bearing it in mind for the future!

yolofish · 05/01/2018 08:55

pickle it would devastate her, and I'm not prepared to do that. Its not her fault that she's deaf...

picklemepopcorn · 05/01/2018 09:44

She could choose to say nice things though! I can't see myself challenging my mum, either to be honest. She is very 'socially acceptable'. It's usually only in private that she gets nasty. She's currently picking holes in the care at the hospice- they did bring him and extra dose of steroid that had been dropped the day before. However, she isn't happy about his room, the nurses aren't making him walk enough, letting him waste away in bed...

She's going to hate being on her own- she'll have no one to criticise except herself and she'll tear herself to pieces. She won't consider coming to stay near me, because 'her heart sinks when she gets near' the area I live 'it's so depress8ng'. We do live near a big city, but our village is quite sweet with lovely dog walking, and a strong community she could tap into.

Still, one day at a time.

yolofish · 05/01/2018 13:05

absolutely, one day at a time. I might get a 'pass' tonight as we have friends coming round and I can claim that I am not on top of things (as a 1950s housewife she will understand that). then next week my DB etc will be here Tues-Fri, so the pressure is off DM wise for a bit. way hay, will no doubt drink way too much tonight!

notaflyingmonkey · 05/01/2018 18:22

yolo are you me? My DM is exactly the same about going out. She recently went to a day centre a couple of times. Said someone stole her scarf, I suggested if it was in fact missing that maybe someone took it by accident. She said I always stick up for other people... But the funny thing was she'd ended up bringing home someone else's walking stick as well as her own (no irony there...). So she stopped going. I said that was entirely up to her if she wanted to stay home 24/7, but that I was not going to be creating a social life for her, or to involve her in mine.

AntiqueOlive · 05/01/2018 20:43

Thank you for the welcome sandwich Smile

I;ve been reading through the thread, and see my own experiences mirroring many other posters. It's good to realise my old person isn't the only unsociable, stubborn, difficult to please/help elderly parent this side of the old folks home...

Sometimes I just don't know what to do about him. How to help him - because he won't countenance trying anything . Whenever I suggest anything/something - he sees only problems and reasons why it can't be done or its not a good idea. Dad, I know it's not easy getting older, but you still have a sharp mind - please be part of finding solutions to the problems and that way you are gaining some control again and will feel less frustrated with yourself.....

Original poster
thesandwich · 05/01/2018 21:11

Oh yes olive I hear you!!! So many of us have spent years trying to improve the life of our elderlies..... with very mixed success. With dm if someone else suggests it it is a different matter.......
I tried for years to get her to change her pillow because of neck problems with no success... after a brief stay in respite care it became the answer.......
pickle how is your dad? And sending Gin and Chocolate to all.

OP posts:
AntiqueOlive · 05/01/2018 21:24

sandwich wow, I am having an ongoing pillow conversation at the moment - although for us it's dust mites and allergies. I've decided I'm just going to buy one and plop it on his bed. Who wouldn't welcome the treat of a nice new pillow???? ( well, we know)

Darn it, I'm going to cut my losses and buy him a new duvet too. Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

Best wishes to all on the thread. And hope to meet everyone in time.

Original poster
thesandwich · 05/01/2018 21:51

Ooooh go for it!!! Sneak it in and see if he notices😜😜

OP posts:
Karmagician · 05/01/2018 21:52

Welcome Olive. I know what you mean - i thought that nobody could be as infuriating, selfish, ungrateful, self-obsessed, needy and such a hypochondriac...as my dad. But i landed here and actually it is weirdly comforting to know that he is just one of many!
Someone gave me a piece of advice yesterday when I was talking (raging!) about my dad and how I don't even really bother saying anything when I phone him every night as he is simply not interested. She said I should empathise at how difficult it all sounds, but then say that I still need him to be a father to me and a grandfather (to my children). I think this might hit home with him actually - perhaps not immediately. Just working up to giving it a shot!!

headinhands · 06/01/2018 14:38

Thanks *karma. (You noted how stressed I sounded) I was already thinking I wasn't feeling quite right and spoke to my GP and had my anxiety meds upped which has really helped. Ddad is v poorly but looks like a simple infection at the moment. But has finally agreed to a carer popping in on top of our visits.

picklemepopcorn · 06/01/2018 19:14

It is weirdly comforting to know it isn't just us, isn't it?

My dad is doing ok, and mum has agreed to have support at the meeting. They need to assess him for continuing care. Has anyone been through that?

yolofish · 06/01/2018 19:35

completely agree about how weirdly comforting it is that we are not alone. when you see the TV appeals about eg invite an old person for lunch or befriend them, I honestly have to wonder if people actually know what they mght be taking on. but then I guess, strangers behave better than family so perhpas that is the way forward? you have my mum, I have yours etc

Original poster
thesandwich · 06/01/2018 19:49

Pickle, dh went through it with his parents post stroke and dementia.
The nhs website has rankings with criteria. It was too late for mil. For fil it covered some of the nursing costs in the nursing home.
Love the idea of swapping elderlies- for us we see them through the prism of our lives and relationship history with them and all that brings.
It is harder than just dealing with them as as they are now.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 06/01/2018 19:51

My friends won't swap their mums... I've asked! Grin

alwaysonthepiste · 07/01/2018 00:15

I love reading this thread. It is so comforting to find similar events happening in all our lives. Of my 2 most recent visits to my parents ( hoping to taking pressure of dsis) we have ended up in a&e. Bad/good timing? Anyway Mum discharged this evening back to home with further visit from nurse planned, but also catheter fitted which is all new. Eeeek. Had peeps in this week to quote for stairlift which will save dm extreme effort and time, for dsis also.
Where I live, one can wish bonne année to people right thru January, so keep healthy and happy for yourselves and loved ones.

MoreCheerfulMonica · 07/01/2018 02:13

Thank you, alwaysonthepiste!

I've been away from the thread for a few days because I've been feeling very down about everything, but wanted to chip in on the subject of "telling it like it is" (or not). This is something I've discussed with a counsellor. Her advice - and I think she's right - is that my mother's world view is so entrenched that I'd be wasting my breath. I am not, therefore, going to point out that it is nonsense to complain in the same sentence that one is lonely and yet insist that every social opportunity that presents itself is inconvenient, unsuitable or impractical. My stock reply (also suggested by the counsellor) is now "what are you going to do about that?"

picklemepopcorn · 07/01/2018 08:20

Sorry you are feeling down about it all, Monica.

Thanks

Helpful point from your counsellor, thanks!

MoreCheerfulMonica · 07/01/2018 11:36

Thank you for the Flowers!

Obviously, my counsellor is talking about me and my situation, but there seem to be enough similarities with what others here are facing that it might be worth sharing.

Needmoresleep · 07/01/2018 11:53

Monica, I look at it in a similar way.

I will only push at doors that can open.

I am very protective of my own emotional and energy reserves.

So during the years my mother was in her own home, refusing help and very unsafe, and DB content that she was OK, I parked it. Her decision, her problem. She later told me she got stuck in the bath one day and thought she would die there - no alarm, no neighbour with a spare key etc. I saved my energy for the inevitable crisis, with her in hospital and armed with a POA, I moved her to sheltered housing with built in company and support. I did an awful lot then, but only because there was some point to it. To be honest I let any moaning about things I can't do much about, float over me (and try to let the insults do the same). She is, actually, generally happy though a couple of years ago when she was not, and struggled to find a reason to get out of bed, I organised for her to be subscribed anti-depressants, which worked better than I had hoped.

MoreCheerfulMonica · 07/01/2018 18:30

Yes, it's about only pushing on doors that might open, but also about passing back the responsibility. As I've mentioned, my mother's most pressing problem is loneliness and isolation, but everything I suggest is dismissed out of hand. Asking what she's going to do about it is in part about encouraging her to recognise that the only person who can improve her social life is, ultimately, her.

Karmagician · 07/01/2018 22:35

Headinhands - great to hear that you are on top of this and that your dad has agreed to a carer visiting - that will take a little weight off at least. Pickle - also fantastic to hear that your mum has agreed to support at the meeting. Little victories! As far as swapping the elderlies - great idea, but i'm not not sure if it's that our parents behave better for 'strangers' (certainly not the case for my dad who manages to piss off most people he comes across!), but rather that it is just easier to deal with people when you are not related to them - whether that's parents or children! I guess you're just not so invested.... Monica sorry it's getting you down - I think I go through peaks and troughs too with it all. I agree to a degree about 'only pushing at doors that may open' (great phrase Needmore!), but I also believe that sometimes it is just about voicing these things, whether they hit their target or not. So whilst I probably won't drag up all the times my dad wasn't there for us when we were kids....which feels pointless as I know he won't admit to that, take responsibility, apologise or see the irony in expecting us to be there 24/7 for him now ... saying that I still need him to take some responsibility as a father and grandfather - whether it changes anything or not, I can see would potentially make me feel better. I agree too that batting it back as in 'What are you going to do about that?' sounds like a good tactic too, as it is recognising that they still have some control and still need to take some responsibility for what happens to them.

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