Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

Can I join in please? I only stumbled across this topic a few weeks ago and I'm so glad I did. I'm an only child and living 400 miles from my parents. Mum had a TIA in October, was sent home, promptly fell over and spent 6 hours in the floor waiting for an ambulance . Had a month in hospital after that, followed by a month at home, during which she totally lost her appetite. Had lost loads of weight, can't hold food down and eventually got readmitted to hospital a week ago.

No-one seems to have a clue what is actually the matter. She's totally withdrawn, can't/won't eat and has no interest in trying to get better. They have just diagnosed her with depression (finally!) but no-one really thinks that's the only problem.

My 82 year old father has Parkinson's. He's doing admirably, quite honestly, looking after himself and trying his best to fathom what's going on. But he gets very stressed and tired and I wish I could just wrap him up in a blanket and make it go away. He's trailing in to visit her, half the time she's asleep or doesn't want to talk and he's feeling very helpless.

I'm flying up on Wednesday so I can see them both, speak to mums doctor and try and get some sense of what the next step will be. I kind of know I'm doing what I can, but it sucks. And the strain of trying to have a relatively normal Christmas with my two daughters is really getting to me. DD2 keeps asking why I'm so sad and tired and it's hard not to burst into tears.

I'm so glad Christmas Day is nearly over. It's felt so empty.

Sending love to all of you who are feeling the strain.

I'm sorry to hear that, korma. It is tough. My mum has been looking after my dad for just over a year now- it is exhausting for the the spouse. They aren't strong enough to cope with the falls and care, etc.

I hope there is some clarity about how to help your mum.

Thanks. Hope you are able to spend some good time with your mum tomorrow. It is, indeed, tough on these elderly spouses that find themselves in the front line of caring.

Hello, sending peace to all of us here on this thread. I post mostly in the dementia threads as my Dad has frontal lobe dementia. I found today - visiting my Dad - really difficult. It was such a strange experience. To love him, to be so happy to be with him, to miss my boys and Husband and the fun they were having over at SIL's house for games afternoon. I don't know. I just feel sad. And my Mum and I toasted with a very classy can of caffeine free diet coke and she said "I'll see you here this time next year" - and I was so confused - I'm praying - literally praying each night - and an extra go in Church yesterday!! - that my Dad will die soon, without pain. Because I know that this is not what he wanted for himself, or us. I know he'd be mortified by other people cleaning and washing him.

So, for anyone else who feels with a heavy heart that they hope this is their Mum / Dad's last Christmas, you're not alone. I believe that there are more of us out there than anyone ever realises. Peace to you all x

Christmaslights I also had a trying day yesterday (DM has dementia). Starting with phone call about a 'stolen' bank card which is a regular drama atm, and me in tears before noon.

Hello, Chicken.

I'm sorry to hear that others had a trying day yesterday. I woke up with the splittingest headache I've ever had, which I'm sure was caused by tension, but the day passed better than I hoped.

I do know what you mean, ChristmasLights. My mother is very very miserable and is fixated on dying being the only way to improve her life (she won't do simple things like join a social group to make more friends). I don't wish her dead, but I'm coming to agree with her that dying soon might be the best thing.

I pop in and out on here and am amazed at the inner strength of many or you... Dementia doesn't stop at Christmas and it makes everyone dealing with it feel worse!!! I am grateful for the carers in my dads home who did such a wonderful job... Still feesl like shit having him in there but he is in a better place than at home.. Wishing you all love over this festive season and strength to keep goingx

Welcome Christmas lights and others. I don't post in the dementia section, initially because it was sponsored, but also because I see DM as someone of 88 whose body is slowly giving up. Her greatest disability happens to be dementia but there many of the things I have to manage, including her affairs, carers, her declining mobility, her emotions and mine, and family relationships, which are pretty universal. I think it is a pity that MN have reduced overall traffic by splitting off one part of aging as if it is a stand-alone problem.

As for Christmas. Very sheltered housing, and the routine and support it offers, is a wonderful thing. We went down yesterday and she was rude to me. C'est la vie. Met one of her neighbours who was astonished that I visit every two weeks or so. My mother regularly complains that her family have abandoned her.

DB decided to make a flying visit on Christmas day. He ignored advice to let the carer get in first and get her up, and instead arrived an hour before the carer, laden with presents and seasonal cheer. She refused to get up, and had a tantrum. I suspect this is the first time he has experienced this as he does not visit often and does not engage in her care. Whether it has helped him understand how difficult it is day-to-day is anyone's guess. Probably not, as he will not want to acknowledge how much is needed.

We had the quietest ever Christmas at home. Both children (19 and 21) were there which was lovely as they were both away last year. Stockings with small gifts, Christmas lunch, bad TV movies, plus DD and I did the surprisingly difficult novelty jigsaw puzzle that DH had been given. DC both have exams as soon as they get back to University so will be studying today, DH is back at work. It was perfect. And, thankfully, over.

Hello all.
Oh NMS your dB does win a prize for SS! So sorry your dm was so horrible. It is so hard. Glad you enjoyed the Christmas Day as you wanted it.
We have had a lovely day with dh’s family- a joyful day after the past few very difficult christmases with his very ill dp’s. Hope everyone manages some moments of joy amongst the despair. and to all .

just popping on to say we had a lovely CD, I picked mum up at 1 and dropped her home at 4ish - so plenty of time just the 4 of us at either side of the visit. Her car was picked up today to go into tomorrow's auction so she was really down about that when I visited this evening, plus she cant work the electric throw thing we got her for Christmas and was getting anxious about the cat sitting on it as instructions say not to fold/tuck it in... she also thought it didnt work, turned out she hadnt switched it on.

glad to hear others have managed to get through xmas more or less intact.

Thanks to those who said nice thing after my Christmas Day moan. It was good to get it all out! Thought I'd pop back in to say that I've now travelled up to see mum and dad (400 mile journey) and it's a bit of an emotional roller-coaster but on the bright side I've just met her hospital consultant who is the first person who has really taken the time to explain what is going on, and also seems like an overall Very Nice Man. So at least I am able to feel that she's in good hands, even though the prognosis seems pretty pants. And she has a nice room in a newly-built hospital wing which is not to be sneezed at.

Following a stroke, she is very, very withdrawn and unable/unwilling to eat. Over the course of today I saw some signs of interest in life, which is a mixed blessing because I suspect that's probably because I've travelled up to see her. But I have a family and job at home that I can't just abandon. We are all really, really wishing that they had taken the plunge and moved down to be close to us when they were feeling well enough. But at the time it seemed premature.

Dad is doing his best, but he's a quiet sort of chap at the best of times and with her terrible speech and his terrible hearing, they aren't making much progress at keeping each others' spirits up!

I'm down with my parents now. Mum is doing a bit better for having a rest. Dad has perked up in the hospice, on a higher dose of meds. However, if he stays stable, they will send him elsewhere -home or nursing home. We don't want that- he is well because of the fantastic care, he wouldn't stay well if he moved home I don't think.

So I'm in the confusing position of hoping he gets worse.

Oh dear.

Good to hear chicken that your dm is getting good care. It is so hard so far away.
Oh mull that must be tough. Hope things work out as best they can. Thinking of you.

You Mners are an amazing lot. Such great advice further up the thread about AGEUK and getting care assessments. Sadly this is all new to me with my DM (81) really in swift decline over the last couple of months. Mainly I think heart failure and the meds which have severely slowed her down. DF (84) also going through cancer treatment, which appears very successful currently, but he also seems to be in denial about DM.
My incredible Dsis who lives fairly close to them is on twice, or more, visits per day to them, sometimes for many hours, as I am far away. Tough times.
So picking your wise and wonderful brains and experience…Stairlifts. New ones are extortionate. Anyone have any info about them? Renting? Or recommendations for companys providing reconditioned?
Thanks in advance.

Hello, Alwaysonthepiste. No experience of stairlifts here - mother is managing with handrails - but I've always heard that reconditioned is the way to go.

Hey everyone - can I join please? Need to rant.... I did post a while back (probably under a different name though). My mum had moved into a care home aged 91, in early 2016, having been diagnosed with dementia. She had been the designated carer for my dad, 5 years her junior, but registered blind (age-related macular degeneration). He could't cope with her illness, but managed to continue living alone (but with a lot of help and stress to us) in their home until just before Christmas 2016, when he agreed to move into a care home (different to my mum's although close by - he didn't want to be in the same one....). Dad has been the problem all along really, not helped by the fact that both my brother (who lives around 30 miles from them - I am a 3 hour drive away) and I have had a difficult relationship with dad and suddenly he was demanding that we spend a lot more time with him. Mum sadly passed away at the end of September, which was horrible, but also probably a bit of a relief for us all (and for her) as there was only one way it was going to go (and she thankfully still knew us all up to the end). Dad seemed to be doing ok for a while but has become totally insufferable again this past couple of weeks. All he does is moan about the home he is in (it is pretty miserable) but refuses to move to mum's, which is infinitely better (and would welcome him with open arms) and he is always just about to die - although is actually in fantastically good health for 88! Both my brother and i phone him every night and tonight, as every night, he spent about 20 minutes telling me all the things wrong with him and how awful it is in the home and how he will speak to me tomorrow 'if he's still here'! I have a partner and young kids and we went up for Christmas Day and Boxing Day and I cooked lunch for him at my brother's house (brother and SIL had made their escape - they'd earned it!) - yet by yesterday he was already bemoaning the fact that he hadn't seen anyone 'all week'. It's just so depressing having to phone every night and listen to this doom and gloom and it's really taking it's toll. I don't think I can take another year of this, but despite his claims of life-threatening illnesses he is incredibly fit and could go on for years yet. God help us! Am I too awful?

@alwaysonthepiste my parents had to have a custom made stair lift because their stairs went round a corner. If it's straight up you can get a reconditioned one. Shop around & get several quotes.

Hello, Karmagician. For me too, it's the constant outpourings of doom and gloom that are so draining. You're not awful to be aware of the effect that caring for your dad is having on your own health and wellbeing.

Thanks MoreCheerfulMonica. And your sentence above: 'I don't wish her dead, but I'm coming to agree with her that dying soon might be the best thing.' - really resonates with me (and my brother - we've had this text conversation just this evening). But I also resent the enormous guilt that I feel around all of this. And in amongst it all the complex feelings of grief around losing our dear mum who barely gets a mention from Dad in all of this and who would have frankly been ashamed of the way my dad is behaving.

karma and monica the not wishing her dead thing resonates with me too.

re the stairlift question, sorry cant remember who posted it, my DM got one (which goes round corners) via one of the military charities (Dad was navy) - so if anything similar applies that could be a route? think she had to pay something, but nowhere like the real cost.

Tough times here too. We saw this coming and moved to live near mum and dad in 2016. She’s 87 and has advanced Alzheimer’s but pretty good health in most ways. Dad had been her carer and was brilliant at it but he’s become very ill now - peripheral neuropathy destroying his mobility and vascular dementia has made an appearance. He’s incontinent and really struggling to manage it.

This time last year he was stuck in hospital and I was rowing with social services. Then mum got pneumonia and they were both in hospital, had poor discharge arrangements , lots of trouble.

We have used their savings to get carers and that has been fantastic. We’ve tweaked the timetable loads of times and eventually found a pattern that works. Mum battled it at first and was regularly kicking the carers out but as relationships have built up, she’s more accepting.

We also persuaded mum to join a day Centre. It’s expensive but worth every penny. Her wellbeing is improved and I’ve been very interested to see her start to be more accepting of her illness. She actually told us over Christmas lunch that she has dementia. It had been a taboo topic all these years, so that was amazing.

Also using some telecare and finding it useful - motion detector, temperature monitor, and a smart plug for the kettle.

Last year I was very preoccupied with trying to plan ahead. Now I don’t. Just putting the best arrangements I can in place for the moment and taking advice as we go.

But it’s hard. The whole family is experiencing the collateral damage of dementia.

oh along although you've done so so well that is heartbreaking...

Collateral damage is a very apt description.

I too have abandoned any attempt to make plans as all my tentative suggestions (not even suggestions, actually, but merely a list of options) are dismissed. I'm resolved to dealing with things as they arise. And I could have written Karma's sentence about the departed partner being ashamed of the way the one left behind is behaving. I am quite sure my father would be appalled at some of my mother's behaviour.

I agree; 'collateral damage' is spot on. But, with us at least, it's not just of dementia, but of ageing. Despite my dad's claims of 'losing his marbles' I don't think he's there as yet. So cruel to say it but in some ways I wonder if it would be easier if he was! I guess mum's diagnosis was the tipping point though and my dear brother (who has been fantastic in all of this - despite my dad slagging him off at every opportunity) and I are now clear that mum had been shielding us from Dad's true nature all along, although we had seen glimpses of course. I think what makes all of this so painful for me is that I am having to face up to some very unsavoury truths about my Dad - not just who he is now, but who he has always been. It's not that I/we had a difficult childhood by any stretch of the imagination, quite the opposite as our lovely mum made sure of that, but he just wasn't really 'present' in it. I really resent that now with kids of my own (who he barely interacts with), and I really want him to acknowledge that, but I know that at 88 it is too late to address this with him and he would never admit any responsibility anyway. So it's difficult to know what to do with all that anger. Thankfully I have therapy (and am a qualified therapist myself) !!

And along you have made amazing progress, although this all sounds so very hard and a huge drain on you. I hope you have support to help you through this; remember to look after yourself in all of this too.