Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

I had a good conversation with my brother. I'm going to leave him to it. I'll go down after Christmas for those anticlimax days.

Thank you all!

I hope you get to enjoy Christmas in all your different situations.

I'll have to go back to my usual name, now! I've quite enjoyed being called 'rage'!

Glad to hear you have a plan rage! And yolo I understand completely- it will be the same with my dd.

Just dropping in to wish you all the best Christmas you can have. It will be a sad one for me as DM passed away in February and I have never had a Christmas without her before. However the last few when she was alive were fraught with the kind of difficulties you are all still facing, so not very happy either. I will try to enjoy this one despite the feeling of loss as she always wanted Christmas to be the best time of the year, and wouldn't want to think of me moping.
All the best to you all, may your Christmasses be free of hospital dashes and be the best you can get in the circumstances x

That's very kind of you, Zaza. Hope your Christmas too will be the best it can be.

Yes, wishing everyone the best that Christmas can be for each of us, according to circumstances!

Thank you Zaza and wishing you too the best Christmas it can be.
Hope everyone else is taking time for themselves too.

@scrabble1 have you been on this thread?

Hello. This is a big whinge.

The short of it is Mum, with multiple chronic conditions (RA, previous stroke, 2 artificial hips, poor kidney function) fell twice in the same day last week and was admitted to hospital. She’d had a history of occasional vomiting, controlled by medication, with a recent gastroscopy to rule out anything sinister. Then she developed D&V, the D part of which has lingered for a month. The hospital thinks her collapse was owing to dehydration, and the diarrhoea is now reducing in frequency.

Anyway, today I was told that she was medically fit to leave so she wanted to go and was going. After much wrangling with a (lovely) social worker and (also very switched on) nurse, Mum has (I think) agreed she needs a care package. She’s practically incontinent and can barely attend to her personal needs. Physios think she’s fine on the stairs (bathroom is upstairs) but I don’t believe she is. Her fall is attributed to dehydration, which may be so, but this doesn’t mean she will not be dehydrated again (diarrhoea) and fall again. Maybe downstairs, or be o. The floor for more than 6 hours this time. 🙁.

I’ve left the hospital slightly reassured that they won’t put her in a taxi in the morning, and are waiting for an assessment care package to be sorted out, but her lovely nurse is on a day off tomorrow, so who knows what Mum will be persuaded to by the optimistic medical staff.

I’d previously organised a private home help type package that was due to start the day after she was admitted. They are now trying to pull out all the stops to find something, but it’s looking like he second week in January.

I live and work an hour away. My brother lives close but works all over the country. Both of our houses are even less suitable than her own house, and we have our own families.

My husband has been seriously ill (OK now, for now) and we’re (supposed to be) going on a delayed holiday to Australia for three weeks on New Years Eve. The insurance won’t cover us for this kind of cancellation. My brother and grown up son (26) both say we should go.

And if I’m honest, alhough I feel guilty, I want to go. DH has been through the mill, and is so supportive of me, and deserves to go back (he used to live there for a while) while we’re still fit enough to see the great outdoors. He’d cancel if I wanted to and to hell with the cost, but still...

Sigh.... thanks for reading this far.

You need to go away! It is hard, but you will need the rest and the goodwill of your DH.

It is hard.

Sorry some outrageous typos there.

Should have said - she has a history of falls - maybe tripping, maybe fainting, no-one particularly interested whether they could be TIAs.

I know Mull, but the guilt is horrible, and I feel like a terribly selfish person.

We’ve always had a friendly but never warm relationship, and she’s become more and more querulous and demanding over the years. I do understand, and sympathise, but I feel dreadful about leaving her and dumping on my DB and DS. OTOH DH will be gutted if we don’t go (although he will lie to me about that) and I fee bad about that too.

And my poor Mum, who used to be so independent and active. I just wish it wasn’t so 🙁.

Sorry I’m rambling. DH has given me therapeutic gin. 🍸

Guilt can weigh very heavily, but I think a trap we often fall into is thinking that anything we do to meet our own needs makes us selfish or a bad person. I saw a Facebook meme today that said something like "you can't pour from an empty jug". It's twee, maybe, but essentially true. You must do something to recharge your own batteries or you won't be able to keep doing what you're doing.

Janet - you and your husband clearly need a good holiday. Take a break, go to Australia, let other family members pick up the slack for a while and then you can return to the fray, refreshed.

You are not a selfish person. Do what you can for your dm before you go, but put your dh first.
Social worker should be able to set up care- just keep on the case. Good luck.

Would you want to stop other members of your family from going away in this situation? No? Than you must go. It's ok to have some time off.

As the other PPs on here will tell you, parents' ill health can go on for years- you need to pace yourself!

I also think that you and your DH needs to go and spend your time together. You and your husband has been through a lot and this is a great opportunity for the both of you. To relax, breathe and enjoy the outdoors.
Even though your DM is sick, I'm sure deep inside she wanted you to go and have a vacation with your husband. You deserve that vacation with your DH after all the events may have drained your energy. I'm sure your DM will be taken care of.
Have a Merry Christmas to all of you! May you find peace regardless of the unpleasant experiences you have with your family.

Thank you everyone. I know you’re all right. It occurred to me just now that I keep putting DH last because I want to put him first, and that feels like being selfish. My brain is really stupid.

No care can be arranged now as all services are full, but she’s now in an elderly care ward and has announced she isn’t going to be bullied into going home without a full care package! That’s my old mum talking. 🙂

Good for her!
My Dad has gone into a hospice today. Mum didn't want to leave him there because there is nothing festive in place- it's all calm and quiet. She's agreed to see if he is happy there tomorrow, and bring him out for Christmas. Realistically though, I'd be surprised. She's struggling with the idea of DNR, despite the fact that he is close to the end anyway.

I’m sorry to hear that Mull. It must be so frightening for her.

I hope you all manage to have a peaceful Christmas.

Oh mull I am sorry to hear that you dad is so poorly. Hospices are wonderful and I hope they can support your dm and you too.
Sending

I would like to wish everyone caring for an EP a happy and joyous Christmas but I know that, for many it won't be like that, so I'll just say that I hope it won't prove too difficult or traumatic this year. I feel for everyone with EP's in care homes, hospitals, or even at home and those of you who are juggling your own families too...

I want to tell you what a great job you're doing even when you feel that you're not doing so good, or are failing miserably. You're not failing. You're really special people and Christmas should be a special time for each of you but, for many, it isn't. You're stressed about having presents for everyone (maybe still have to buy stuff), cooking for however many, keep on top of cleaning and laundry and shopping and dog-walking and keeping the peace in your household, holding down a job (no such thing as part-time work for a woman because when you've finished the job you're paid to do, you go home and start all over again) somehow staying on even keel with DH or DP and 'blended' families and, for many of you this year, trying to think through extremely difficult choices and make decisions you'd give anything to avoid having to make.

Some of you have help and support from other family members. But most of you don't. You're the one doing the caring, the thinking, the trying to be strong when you're always just a moment from total meltdown. You're the one who cancels coffee with friends, the daytrip planned months in advance, the one who would love beautiful nails and/or decent hair but have neither because every time you make an appointment, something happens to EP and you're the one they call. If you have siblings, they're the ones who have the freedom to live as they wish and go where they want when they want. But not you. Most of the time they don't even offer to 'cover' you whilst you go for that appointment or have that coffee and chat with friends.

In particular, I feel for those of you whose parents have recently passed away or who are seriously poorly and at hospice or similar stage, and especially if the DW/DH of said EP is still living and facing this Christmas and possibly the New Year without them.

I just want to say I'm thinking of all of you

This thread has given me the sort of support that I wish I got IRL at times. 'You can't pour from an empty jug' so true. I have spent most of the year running on empty, didn't go on holiday with the family, etc, and the sad truth is whatever I do for DM is never enough.

For those of you celebrating Xmas with elderlies, I hope you manage to have a bit of a rest. I am attempting a work to rule so that I get some down time while I am off.

I'm steeling myself for a difficult Christmas. Good luck, everybody, and thinking especially of Mull and her dad.

Thank you plum for that lovely post. How are things mull? And not a and Monica- I hope you manage to find a bit of time for yourselves.
Thank you to everyone who has posted here- thank you for all your support and your stories- it helps so much to know we are not alone in all this.
Wishing you all peace and joy wherever you can find it.

A Christmas buffet for anyone who might need it today:

and a present from Santa

Thank you, and as merry a Christmas as can be had! Hope you are all getting some space and peace and fun, in the right proportions.

I had a little cry at Church, but we have had such a lovely laid back day. Just the four of us, as we didn't know where we would be. Off to my mum's tomorrow.