Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

I always check our security cams to track her but I'm still not content with it. Grandma's more considerate now unlike before though
MoreCheerfulMonica she has one on her wrists but she takes it off every time she goes out of the house (probably to piss me off). I always found it on the floor every time I went home.
thesandwich SS is aware of her. They sometimes help me convincing grandma to go home because we end up arguing.

Oh yes, I know the alarms aren't failsafe but nor, really, is anything else. Even having carers to take someone for a walk isn't a guarantee that they won't wander off at some other time.

Mid-morning and on offer to all.

Hi hope I can join the thread. Have read a few of the posts and has reassured me my feelings aren't bad.

Mil died this time last year had been Nc and low contact for a number of years till about 4 years ago. Mil was disabled and controlling all care was to be hers. After her death it became apparent fil needed care.

Sil was golden balls and was arranging (or said she was but didn't seem to do a lot). Fil moved to warden controlled flat closer to us & sil. Fil and sil fell out and she's not been on the scene for most of this year.

Dh is left doing all the careing fil has copd but smokes is in a wheelchair and we suspect may be getting dementia. He's also had a catheter fitted which he keeps pulling out.

Dh works full time i work pt and have a preschool DS. Whenever dh doesn't go round there is some problem and it's hard not to think its dilibret.

He's back in hospital now and it's not looking good. The past few years there has always been crises at Xmas I just want a quiet Xmas and feel restful of fil and bad that I feel that way. We just never seem to be able to do anything without a call from or about fil

To some extent you both need to take a step back and decide what you are willing to do.

Looking back will you be satisfied that you stuck by him to the end? Especially if the end is not far away.

Then decide on your boundaries. Yes caring will dominate your life this Christmas, but it is not a bad thing for your DC to experience, as it is part of being human. What can be delegated, perhaps to a paid carer, and when is it reasonable to say no. Is the setting still suitable or does he really need 24 hour residential care.

A lot will be said about his needs and preferences. You are entitled to needs and preferences as well.

Thanks. In a self contained flat with 24 hour staff a valuable at the moment they are dementia care trained and end of life so could stay there just need to up the care. I think a home maybe better and have said to dh that it's something to look at after Xmas.
Dh is doing all the running around and doesn't like to put any on me I do try to do some.
I know dh finds it hard. Mil died quiet quickly and unexpected (about 3 weeks from saying she was ill) to hear everyone saying nice things about her when that wasn't his experience was difficult and feeling guilty for not being as upset as he thought he should.
He has been going to fil most nights during the week and at weekends only for 10 minutes but it takes it toll.
I am trying to encourage more care to relieve the pressure on him.

And it's not looking good for fil at the moment seems he should not have been discharged a couple of weeks ago is back in hospital again. Dh has to make the desion on when to contact his sister (who we don't have contact with). Fil doesn't want her to know but we think she should be told if it looks like the end.

I can only echo what others have said about establishing boundaries that also enable you to maintain some semblance of a normal life. It's good for children to see you being kind and supportive, but not for them to see you becoming exhausted and sacrificing your own wellbeing.

I've come for a bit of a rant. I have posted on here before, but name changed to moan about my sister just in case.

My dad is terminally ill. We've had lots of problems adjusting, DM isn't the most nurturing type and struggles with control. She is hard work, and I understand why my DS doesn't want too much to do with her. DS is the only one who lives near (15mins) and tends to pop in every few days and has also been called out in an emergency situation a few times. I've been staying with M and D for about a week each month, which gives everyone a break. He's too ill to travel.

So, Christmas. My DCs are working except on Christmas Day. DH doesn't drive. We have a dog and nowhere to send him (kennel is shut). So if I go down at Christmas, I won't see my DH and kids. It's only one Christmas, I may do that.
My sister has said that she will go over with a few of her family (4DCs and Partners, 3GCs) on Christmas Eve, but not on Christmas Day not to take a dinner in, nothing. Her DCs all live close by now. They have small children, someone there will be staying dry enough to drive.

He's really poorly. He wouldn't want more than 30mins. Is it too much to ask? On one day, one Christmas?

AIBU?

No, YANBU. It's true, of course, that nobody should feel obligated to do more than they're comfortable with - and nobody wants to be tussling with siblings over Christmas - but, equally, it's difficult when siblings aren't doing a fair share (and fair doesn't necessarily mean equal, just what fits with their circumstances). I'd be miffes, too.

YNABU. It’s really tough. Sorry you are going through this.

I'm just so sad about it. I can't think of them completely alone on Christmas Day. I can't understand how she thinks it's ok... a dying man and his wife without a single visitor, despite five adults living 20mins away?
The rest of the time, she's doing great. I try hard to make sure she isn't doing an unreasonable amount., and that she feels supported.
To be honest, he may not last that long, in which case all plans are off anyway.

It is a very sad situation. Perhaps she feels she needs a day off (although Christmas Day doesn't seem like the best choice). Do you feel able to talk to her about it?

Really tough for you and if it was me I would find the guilt would mean I could not settle to my day. I have finally realised I can not make others do something, I only have control over my own decisions. So I would recognise I could not make by DS visit if she has decided she will not but I could either decide not to feel guilty or do something myself. Hard as it would be do you think you could go to them early morning with a pared down easy Christmas lunch to cook there? Could you stretch to ready prepared from one of the supermarkets? Cook, eat then head home. Maybe get one or your DC or DH to come with you if one of the feels kind or ask them to cook for your return in the evening. As you say it is only one Christmas and I am not sure you sound as though you would enjoy yours at home in the circumstances.

Or maybe if the distances are too great stay overnight Christmas Eve then head home?

I've been talking to DH this morning. I'll probably go down the Saturday before, weather permitting, then head back after lunch Christmas Day. It's 2.5 hours each way, in good conditions. My family can cook another Christmas dinner for when I get home. We're going ready made easy this year anyway, Aldi frozen goose fat potatoes, etc.

I'm hoping my sister is playing brinkmanship, and trying to pressure our brother to go. He's 1.5 hours away, with two toddlers. If he goes on his own he'll miss most of Christmas with his babies, but my parent's house isn't easy with toddlers!

What will be will be. I don't want to pressure my sister- these are sensitive times and we need to support each other.

Sorry, I should have said thank you!

Totally agree with your comments about sensitive times and the need to support each other. Sometimes a sibling acts as they do to protect themselves from something we do not know about or understand. Family members are generally just trying to do their best and meet conflicting demands. (Not always but generally!) If you would feel guilty not to go then by going you will release everyone else - maybe someone will be able to pay you back another time, maybe not but you will feel more at ease and have demonstrated to your DC the importance to you of kindness.

Well here's a bit of a bright spot: since an accident in August DM has not driven and has now decided it is time to sell her car. This is a huge relief to me and thousands of other innocent road/pavement users. But (isnt there always one?) she wants me to drive her around the dealers to see what she can get for it. I have suggested we sell it through webuyanycar or similar - quick, easy, no being patronised by dealers and me having to pretend to know what I'm talking about. This is apparently good enough and perhaps DH can do it? DH is far too busy and having a work crisis (business partner got cancer) so I am not letting DH anywhere near it. Still, at least it keeps death off the roads I guess!!

oops, wasnt a car accident in Aug, and 'not good enough'!

Oh dear! It's a start though. One step at a time. Acceptance of things that people have been avoiding is such a huge relief. My mum is now accepting Dad's time is short. It's sad, but so much easier than having to pretend.

Good to hear about the driving. Could you use an online valuation to convince your dm re car value?
Rage- are the Christmas plans Any clearer? Dm now home with excellent carers- except dh had to go and collect carer yesterday in the snow!

ah she's batshit! went round this evening with DD1 fresh back from uni today, and she didnt even talk to her as was obsessed with car/no one apart from cleaner is tall enough to get christmas tree out of the cupboard/the fact she doesnt have a 2018 diary.. DD1 says she cant cope with it any more - and I sympathise totally. DD2 is more patient, but I think even hers will be tested sorely. rage I am sorry you are having to cope with that, much love

That sounds so familiar, Yolo. Just totally caught up in herself! I bet if DD hadn't gone, she would have complained that she never sees her! Might be projecting there, sorry!

Christmas is now looking confusing. My brother says he's going to go with his family and cook dinner. I think that will overwhelm my parents and be exhausting for them.
My sister says she'll send someone from her house over with a dinner, which is probably all they can manage anyway. To be honest though, he has dipped a lot this week and we could be looking at final days. I've emailed my brother and suggested we have a plan a, b, and c according to how dad is.

Well done for getting the carers in place, sandwich. That's a huge step.

so sorry you have to go through that rage Christmas would be the perfect day to spend time with your parents. I hope you and your siblings can decide to spend Christmas with your parents before it's too late.

Good luck to all trying to formulate plans.

I agree so much with what's been said about not wanting to wrangle with siblings and about one's own children seeing that kindness is important, but sometimes one might (perhaps) also need to recognise that siblings aren't doing as much as they could (within their own circumstances) and aren't very willing themselves to be kind, in which case what one's children are witnessing is the more amenable sibling being exploited. Resolving that dilemma is difficult.

Christmasrage - I'm sorry that things are now looking fraught. Having contingency plans is a wise approach, I think. However your Christmas turns out, I hope it will be calm and peaceful.