Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

sandwich she already has some other help - cleaner 3 x a week who is a friend really and does her shopping, gardener once a week. She doesnt need personal care, she is lonely, most of her friends have died etc. Even when she was fit enough to go out and about she wouldn't really engage with people - everyone she met at the Talking circle, U3A etc weren't 'people like us'. So it is partly (largely?) of her own making. She's good about taking taxis to appointments etc, but there are days when mine is the only face she sees. But even when our DDs go round - both at uni so plenty to talk about - she won't actually listen to them, it all comes back to her.

I think I am partly grieving now if I'm honest, because she is not the person she was and I'm not entirely liking the person she has become.

Yolo, that sounds so familiar and I recognise so much of it. My mother too turns every conversation round to herself and really seems to have lost interest in anyone else, except to the extent that they can meet her needs. She is in a miserable situation in that she has outlived family and many friends, but her remaining friends seem to be distancing themselves, which in turns makes her more angry and miserable.

I saw a counsellor who said (as counsellors do) that I can't change her but I can change how I react, so I'm working on that.

Ah yolo I think you are right about grieving. There is also grieving for our freedom too.🙁. You are not responsible for your mothers happiness.

Yolo
I hear ya
😞
Walking...hope you are ok as you can be x

Really need help, my grandma who's 85 years old always wanna go out of the house to walk around. We make sure to accompany her but there days when we are too busy to go out and she will just go on her own without us knowing. What do you think we can do to at least control her? We are really scared that she might get lost.

That's really worrying for you. It's very difficult to hold someone captive in their own home - doors need to be unlocked in case there's an emergency. Has she got an identity bracelet with your contact details on it? At least then anyone who finds her wandering can contact you. I'm sure others who've experienced this will have better ideas.

Can you find someone to take her out. DM seems to need a change of scenery, even if she can't remember where she has been. I employed the carer she liked most to take her out to a cafe, a walk along the beach or similar. Sometimes with the carers grandchildren. Cleaner, volunteer, kind neighbour? Anything will help reduce reliance on you when demands/needs grow.

Does she have identity details on her in her purse perhaps? A telecare alarm?
Employing someone is a good idea- age uk etc? Has she been assessed by social services for support?

Just checking in with or as the mood takes you.

Think I've reached rock bottom with my mother. If she was my husband, people would be telling me to LTB. If I approach social services for help and advice, what are they likely to do?

Grace, late thought. If Social Services are not "aware" of her, they should be. My mum has wandered and been picked up by the police about once a year. The first time was when she still had a reasonable capacity, but by the time she was picked up she was very tired, frightened and confused, so had little idea of who or where she was. If SS have her name and a contact number they can get the police to deliver her home safely. I have then had a follow up call to discuss prevention, but as long is remains once a year, neither they nor the sheltered housing are insisting on more, and hopefully her mobility is declining fast than her orientation. They did recommend that I got an engraved locket or bracelet for her, in case she forgot her own name or was confused or traumatised. The problem is that it will need to be nice if I were to have any chance of getting her to wear it.

And Monica - time for another name change? What is the problem - this thread is the safe space for ranters!

Argh. Don't want to bore on when others have more severe things (such as dementia) to contend with.

I've been on the end of several very spiteful rants recently. We're going round in circles because the list of complaints remains the same, but so is her insistence that she won't do anything to change her situation. What's changed is that she used to say that Golden Sibling and I were doing enough, but now we're not. She's verbally aggressive and rude yet believes GS and I should be rushing to spend even more time with us.

I'm at a loss to know what to do. I'm by nature a fixer but can't fix this. Christmas will be dreadful this year (she says) because GS will be elsewhere. Thanks for that. I suspect I'll be spending Christmas drinking gin straight from the bottle.

Monica I am also a fixer and I got upset that mum would not take any action on any of my (wonderful, I thought) suggestions but just complained about the same things again and again. It took me a while to realise that she wasn't looking for a solution, it didn't mean that my ideas were no good, she just wanted to moan.

Yes, there's an element of that and I can deal with that (and went through it all years ago with another family member, who complained about every aspect of her life but was then adamant that nothing could be changed; turned out that she enjoyed having a moan!). But what's a little different now is that there are two issues underlying mother's diatribes - how to cure her health problems and whether GS and I are doing enough to help.

I'm sure her general health and wellbeing has declined, but she's talking about some very specific health issues that have identifiable causes (and treatment options, which she refuses to access). My suggestions aren't wonderful, they're boringly obvious - if you have (as she does) a problem that needs a minor surgical procedure, the solution is to have that procedure (or not, as you choose) but nothing else will make it go away.

As for whether GS and I are doing enough, we're doing as much as we feel able to do, but my mother is totting up how many hours we spend with her and somehow getting the maths wrong. I don't want to repeat the detail of the conversation because it's too identifying, but the gist was that I only spend x hours with her a week when the actual figure is three times that.

So that's why I feel ground down. She's rude and nasty but, as I read on MN last night, you only get one mother. I'm trying to support her, but can't give her the support that she wants, because there aren't enough hours in the day and, even if they were, they couldn't fix problems that need medical intervention.

Oh Monica and knitting- I am so sorry to hear things are tough. You do not deserve this at all.
Easy to say but you are not responsible for your mother’s happiness. A friend has found the carers association good for giving her support and ideas. What would happen if you said please dont talk to me like this and walked away? I too am a fixer but am sitting on my hands more and trying to only take on what I can. V hard but i’m trying. and

Monica, I so don't envy you. My mother's dementia has made things easier as I now make decisions.

All said before, but:

1. Pace yourself. You are not being selfish by refusing to allow yourself to be drained. You need that reserve for the big crisis.

1. Do some research on longer term options. If you have a point on the horizon where you are headed, the two steps forwards, one back, become easier to take.

1. Only push at doors which will open. If your DM will not listen, save your emotional energy.

1. Whilst she is judged to have capacity, do not feel responsible for the consequences of her actions. She decided, she lives with the consequences. It is not for you to "make better".

1. Be assertive, even if it breaks the habit of a lifetime. I had to, otherwise I was going to go under, helped by the fact I had been able to sign up for some assertiveness training at work. Simple statements like "don't speak to me like that" or "do not criticise me in front of my children" often stopped her in her tracks though the four hour wait for a blood lest at the local hospital with a monologue about how awful I was, was pretty epic.

1. Often be the parent and treat her as the child. A toddler. So, I won't do ..., unless you do ... Again not negotiable.

1. Tell GS that you are going to have to draw boundaries if you are going to be able to continue. She will complain to him. DB used to phone me up telling me to do things. Sort out her gym membership was one! If he has been warned, he either backs you up or he will be ignored.

1. Try to work out reasons for her behaviour. Is she frightened, does she hate losing control, etc. It may help you reassure her. "I will support you, but you are making it very difficult." Some may be early dementia, or simply loss of social contact. Accept this as slow bereavement. She is not the mother she was, so hopefully her unpleasantness should not have the same emotional bite.

1. Seek out friends who will listen. Tell them things are tough, and maybe one will arrange a supportive night in a wine bar. The worst thing you can do is lose touch with your own support network, people who remind you that you are great. Again its the pacing. You may not feel you have time, but retaining your perspective and self-esteem are vital for the long-haul.

Argh. Just lost a long post. The gust was that I'm pretty much following Needmoresleep's script. I'm being supportive and respectful. I'm not telling her what to do. I'm presenting possibilities for her to consider. She shouts at me. I don't shout back.

I feel guilty about talking about this on the internet, and am overdue a big conversation with GS (it was arranged but postponed). I do talk to friends in RL.

I think, unless you are living this life, and actually really living it, being the one who does the work and is not the GS... then the internet is as good a place as any for a rant! My DM is currently quite reasonable (by her standards) but it doesnt mean its not difficult. flowers, gin, wine, tea and chocolate to all of us going through it.

The kindness of strangers. It's what MN offers, mostly.

Yes. People who reading the posts will understand and validate those feelings and emotions. Just knowing others are of have been where we are. And not judge.

I just wanted to say hi to all of you and send everyone lots of 💐🍰☕️🍫. I've been caring for parents for the last seven years, we seem to go from one crisis to another. I'm finding it all very hard at the minute.

This book is not new, but I found it liberating to have someone else describe the not always nice emotions that come with caring.

www.amazon.co.uk/Selfish-Pigs-Guide-Caring-emotional/dp/0749929863?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I have found something worse than helping an elderly parent.

NEST pensions - which I am legally obliged to set up for my mums p/t carer. I get emails saying that I need to log in to access important messages, but the system wont let me log in, despite me using their link and access code. And I cant access online support without logging in. Live chat is not working. The phone system does not recognise the reference they gave me. When I finally got transferred to someone I was cut off within a few seconds, and then second time after waiting ages on a "national rate" line, I simply got an echoy dead line.

I understand that they want to ensure that more employees are brought within pension, NI and other arrangements, and my mum's carer wants everything to be legit, as do I. But its impossible, really impossible. When all is said and done,. I am convinced the admin side of caring is as stressful as the caring side.

Rand over. If anyone from NEST reads this though. You are crap, really crap, and need to get your act together.

And when you phone them using the number on the website the recorded message says the number has changed and then gives you a new number really quickly and only once. Then says that they don't recognise the ID given on their emails, but reassuringly tells you can check the number by logging in...

My problem is that I can't log in.

I can't do this. I really can't.

Hi pj and thanks for the supplies- and nms what a nightmare! How frustrating and incompetent when you are trying to do the right thing.

I always check our security cams to track her but I'm still not content with it. Grandma's more considerate now unlike before though
MoreCheerfulMonica she has one on her wrists but she takes it off every time she goes out of the house (probably to piss me off). I always found it on the floor every time I went home.
thesandwich SS is aware of her. They sometimes help me convincing grandma to go home because we end up arguing.