Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

Oh crikey nota and orchard. I understand and completely. It is so hard. Please try and protect yourselves. Managed a quick coffee out today
Been propping dm up this week- she is going into a care home for rehab for 2 weeks tomorrow- v palatial place. She will hate it. I have spent every day all week sorting her and her carer has slept over every night bar the first two. Completely unsustainable but she has enjoyed the rolls Royce attention. Argh.
Orchard- where did you find live in care? Ideas welcome! Big hugs to all.

More hand-holding from me, too.

For anyone struggling with nastiness and unreasonableness, I recommend looking at the separate thread on this board about just that. Reading it was helpful for me. I wonder whether my mother's tirades and outbursts are symptomatic of something, but for the most part I think it's rage at her situation and at the world.

www.careandchoice.co.uk/
This company. They are based in Horsham but will cover much further.

Yes, Monica, I think you are right about the rage. I think my mother feels that with someone else in the house, she is losing control. It might seem petty to me to make a fuss about which cupboard the sugar is in, but when your world has shrunk then it might seem important to her.

Thanks orchard. We are midlands so maybe a bit far.
Yes- the loss of control and shrinking world is a major factor- plus frustration and anger and fear. Taking dm into rehab today...... v strange. I hope it is as good as it can be. The care home has a cinema!
Still not home. Good wishes to all.

Good wishes to you too, Sandwich.

I would have thought that my father's death would have helped my mother get a better perspective on what actually matters and what doesn't, but in fact it's been the opposite. Even trivial things become a very big deal. Again, I think that's fear, rage and a shrinking world.

I posted on 1 November, at which point I was quite optimistic about sorting out all the issues with MIL. My optimism was misplaced.

After MIL came out of hospital, everything went straight back to how it had been. SIL is telling everyone that she has now left work to look after her DM full time, but has just gone on holiday (again) without telling anyone and without putting any other support in place.

DH has now told me he is not going to chase up the OT assessment that was supposed to be happening, or the GP for the mental health assessment that the hospital doctor said he would ask for, or the follow up for her heart condition that she hasn’t had for years, because he says MIL is 'fine' and she doesn't want any help or strangers in her house. DH has a DB, who is worse than useless, so he won’t do anything either.

MIL, meanwhile is by turns delusional, paranoid or just talking complete rubbish. She's sweary, racist, and has made a couple of nasty sexual allegations, one against a member of the family and one against her former GP. This is all completely out of character. She needs that assessment.

MIL has also got physical problems which are not being addressed and is not eating properly because her gas cooker broke months ago and has never been checked for safety or repaired/replaced. She is virtually immobile and has had no support to maintain what mobility she has.

DH is not prepared to listen to anything I have to say. After yet another row, after he said he wasn’t going to do anything, I asked him not to put me in a position where I had to go above his head. I don’t feel I have any choice. If her family won’t ensure that she is safe, at the lowest possible risk from falls, properly nourished, and receiving appropriate medical care, none of which has happened for the last three years, what else can I do?

On the other hand, if I ring the Safeguarding Department at the Council, even anonymously, that will almost certainly end my marriage. That might not matter, but I’m not 100% sure yet.

Does anyone have any insight into this, into why three adult children would collude to neglect their own mother?

Awful. It is quite an eye opener to see who can cope with the burden of caring for elderly parents and who cannot. DB was always the favourite child but is buried deep in a 10 year pit of denial. Pointing this out would do no good at all, indeed just by doing what he should seems to have caused massive resentment.

If your DH does not want to do anything you won't be able to make him. Trying to change people's behaviour is rarely worth the energy.

Instead I would chat anonymously to adult social services asking about options. Your DH is likely to link any referral back to you. There may be another way. If not you need to rely on your conscious. There will be a crisis sooner or later. Wait till then or take the hit on your marriage now. (Though whether your relationship will survive your unhappiness with his behaviour, is another matter.)

FWIW when my mother was newly widowed she and my brother decided not to tell me where the spare key was, tell me when she went on holiday or put in place any alarm system. She was clearly suffering from the early stages of dementia. The crisis came in form of a fall when she was outside. It turned out that a few months earlier she had got stuck in the bath and had thought she would die there. I would have been in no way responsible.

I would just like to say how pleased I am to find this thread.
Like most of us, I guess, I'm a retired professional person, but in this situation I'm completely at a loss. It's all new to me.
So thank you for all your support, it is an enormous help to me.
All you ideas on the thread are a huge help to me, thank you.

Cleaned Dad's flat today, he has obviously been struggling for a while, was filthy but is now sparkling clean and fresh!!

Anyone want some Friday night ? Or ?

Timeistight - Is your DH in denial about the situation or just hoping someone else will deal with it? I do, though, understand him hesitating because your MIL doesn't want people coming to the house. It does feel like hitting your head on a brick wall when you identify sources of help only to be met with "don't want that".

Orchardgreen - I'm a wishing I was retired professional person, except then I'd be even more at my mother's beck and call and I don't think my nerves would take it.

didnt see DM yesterday - she had a doc appt at 6pm, and I am afraid I just said she'd have to take a taxi there and back. It was the end of a very long week, and I just thought sod it. Feel guilty, but it was like I had an extra 2 hours in the day in which to drink wine.

Orchard...im not retired and I have 2 young children. I work pt and my dh works away a lot.

I would feel very cheated if my retirement was spent looking after my mum!

She'll prob outlive me tbh...

I think my mother will outlive me. She quite deliberately offloads all her stresses onto me and I expect to have a heart attack quite soon. ::only partly joking, in fact not really joking at all::

I know what you mean Monica. My mum was very ill earlier this year, and I felt a sense of relief that she might die, and was thinking of all the things I could do with my newfound time. She rallied, and is now probably fitter and healthier than me.

My mum is on so many protective heart meds
She has no stress
Her siblings have all lived to late 80s-90...
I'm 45 and always ill.

nota that strikes a chord with me, the thinking she might die and how much more time you would have. To anyone not in the depths that sounds absolutely apalling, I know - but but but... My DM has become so self-obsessed that its really hard to talk to her about anything, plus determined she is right and if any of us (me or DD1 and 2 who are 21 and 18) then we are being mean and nasty. DD1 is home from uni today, got a horrible ear infection she's had for 4 weeks now so taking her to our gp tomorrow to try and get to the bottom of it. DM's comment? "oh yes, I used to get ear infections all the time, and now look at me, I'm deaf as a post". not really much you can say to that is there?!!

if any of us DISAGREE that should say

Yolo I knew that when I wrote that, it would shock some people who haven't been in the place that we are in. If I spent 24/7 with my DM it wouldn't be enough. She has two carers a day now, and when I go over after work she tells me she hasn't spoken to anyone all day. She is so very rude and selfish, when she asks if I have any news, I say no. Because if I start to say anything about me or the kids, she just looks at me blankly and then cuts across me to talk about herself. The kids have all but stopped coming to visit as it is such hard work for them.

TheSandwich my mother had unplanned knee surgery in mid September after a fall. She had two weeks in hospital and then was transferred rather unwillingly to an intermediate care centre (aka rehab unit). They focus on regaining the skills that they need to live independently. She spent the first week or two hating it and refusing to leave her room except for physio but has come around to the idea that it is like a posh hotel (someone here mentioned a cruise ship that never docks). She has softened her view on being social although not enough to join in with the activities. She should be going home next week and has reached the point of saying that she wouldn't mind going back for a holiday.

It has been an eye opener for both of us, it's made her rethink her ideas of what being in "a home" might be like.

Thanks knitting. Saw dm today and were served tea and cakes in the lovely lounge.....she looks better and is enjoying the food. Gives me a breather.and time to regroup.

And yes I agree nota- 24/7 would not be enough. I keep trying to remind myself I am not responsible for my mother’s happiness.

Knitting, our experience as well. DM had a replacement hip so stayed five weeks. It was so nice to have other people being the first port (yes...) of call. DM was surprised how much she enjoyed the company, and the lack of pressure. No need to worry about buying food, doing washing etc. The food was lovely with nice, freshly backed biscuits etc being brought round all the time. Plus careful seating arrangements, so company for lunch and a sherry beforehand.

However much people fight for independence, being on your own is hard, lonely and stressful.

Her very sheltered housing is not quite as plush, but not nearly as expensive, but has the cooked lunch, the reception, the laundry service and the coffee lounge, as well as some, often resident-run, activities. We are five years in, and it has been the perfect solution.

In a lucid moment she has acknowledged I made the right decision. No apologies for the six months of screaming at me. Indeed no belief she should be polite to me. One of the staff told me that she still tells them how wonderful my brother is. This person had never seen him.

Her housing is run by Retirement Security Ltd. They are mainly in the south of England and you have to buy the flat. But really worth checking out, if you are looking for something good somewhere between a home and living independently.

My mother is likely to live well into her 90s. No retirement for me. Worse there is essentially a business to run, which is both stressful and time consuming. I have now though found the solution, in that it seems as if I can apply to the Court of Protection asking to sell the assets. If they judge that this is acceptable no one can argue that POA rules require me to manage her assets actively and in her best interests. Previously I had thought I would need to get a family consensus, and unsurprisingly it suited others to have her earn enough to pay for her care, thereby preserving her assets.

This is a huge relief. I am pretty close to breaking point, indeed in my more desperate moments had considered simply writing to the OPG saying I could not do it any longer. I would prefer time now, to the prospect of an increased inheritance some point in the future.

Just lost a post somewhere in the ether but, once again, there's so much here I recognise.

My mother is often abusive towards me. It occurs to me that, if she's as rude to other people, it might explain why she's not deluged with invitations, but I suspect she reserves most of her ire for me.

💐💐💐💐 to all of you tonight. My mother was actually quite civil to me tonight on the phone! Although I managed to keep the call to under 5 minutes.

the last thing I want to do is become old, frail and dependent, especially if DH goes first. I frequently tell the DC that I would like a pillow over my face when I get like grandma.