Caring for elderly parents? Drop in for support, hand holding and whatever you need

[thesandwich]

Continuing the long running threads for anyone juggling elderlies and everything else. Loads of wisdom, support and the odd laugh...
How are you all doing?
How is everyone coping with the extra teens with exam challenges?

1. Make sure POAs are in place!

1. Speak to adult social services about assessments, adaptations, care etc. The first conversation could be done anonymously.

1. Apply for attendance allowance, which in some places can open the door to Council tax exemption.

1. Look at sheltered housing options, which might enable him to live independently longer with less support needed from you.

1. Pour yourself a large g&t

Brief update from the trenches. After a weekend following mums fall where I spent nearly all my time looking after her/ sleeping over/ etc with a complete absence of support I was really 8npressed by social services when I contacted them. great advice and visit to fracture clinic when we saw an ot and social worker who were excellent. Current carer is doing quite a bit but the rest left to me- have suggested rehab and found lovely looking care home. But now dm is saying she doesn’t want to go- and can cope at home(!) wanting 4 care calls a day.... expecting that to be in place immediately..... arrrrgh! Yolo I hear you... I was independent effectively from 14, but have spent the last 12 years supporting her...

Needmoresleep

Thanks! What are POA's please?

POA=power of attorney
Sandwich...glad you've got support x

Doe POA have to be done legally? My Dad has no money to pay for a solicitor. Can it be done online?

I believe it can but it still costs money to register

www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/register Gives you the forms and advice. The helplines are very good and the charges are shown-£82..?

No need to use a solicitor for a straightforward POA.

There are two:

1. Financial
2. Health and welfare

Both allow you to act on behalf of your dad at a point when he does not have capacity.

So with the financial one you can pay his bills, access his bank account etc. Which makes any future crisis much mote manageable, as otherwise his funds are essentially locked.

The health and welfare is used less often but can be very important as it allows you to speak on his behalf on key health and welfare decisions. Which could include moving him into a home, or key treatment decisions.

One way to sell it is that without a POA decisions would probably be made by Social Services or doctors and you might not be able to speak on his behalf.

It all sounds grim.

Hello, newcomers.

Tell me more, Needmoresleep, about making an anonymous call to social services ...

There are two things to watch with doing the POA yourself - it is time limited, so the clock starts ticking as soon as you start filling out the form online (it's something like 8 weeks to complete). So try not to spend lumps of that time in denial and putting it off (voice of experience...). Also, you need to put down a third party who knows the parent. I put DMs GP, who then refused to sign it, as that was the line their practice took with them (risk of being sued at a later date). It really caused me a problem with the time factor.

We used our mothers priest, who knew her well, who understood that she was losing capacity, and that it was in her interests to hand over responsibility for her affairs.

With dementia, time is ticking in another way, as the person needs the capacity to make the POA decision, yet it is at this point that they are probably clinging hardest to their independence. I would think around a bit for someone who knows your dad and who is concerned that sensible and quick decisions can continue to be made on his behalf, should his condition deteriorate. (Housing manager?)

Monica, I simply phoned up the adult social services help line and explained that I did not want to give names at this stage, but knew nothing about the system and explained the circumstances. The first time, when my dad was dying, I got a super really helpful person who explained about care, self funding arrangements etc.

I then phoned again following my mum's fall. Which led me to referring her.

Good advice I got at the time was that

1. if you are self funding, it is probably better to arrange the care yourself as you can negotiate better with the agency and re-charge rates from SS can be higher.

1. SS have lists of things, like care agencies, day care centres, volunteer organisations, nursing homes, sheltered housing etc, which they will send you.They may also provide help for carers.

1. Anyone can refer a person. Social services can do two assessments. One physical, which can recommend adaptations, for which grants might be available, and a more general welfare one.

I wanted my mother to have a general SS assessment, in case she ended up in hospital When she broke her hip, the hospital discharged her with two days notice on Christmas eve, effectively immobile (she had had her wrist re-broken the day before so it would set correctly) to an empty block (all the other flats were second homes) without any alarms or anything. 110 miles from me. And despite the fact she was confused throughout her stay. With a SS flag this would not have happened. It now means that on the couple of occasions she has wandered, SS have been able to tell police where she lives and my contact.

I have another tip. There's a company called Argentia who make personal alarms that automatically detect when the patient falls, even if they can't or don't press the button. Aid-Call (which used to be run by AgeUK) don't have these yet.

Dad in hospital now........which he should have been from the start!! On morphine and oxygen.........which he should have been on from the start!!

Oh walking hope they are giving him the care he needs.

I'm supposed to be at work tomorrow, does this qualify for compassionate leave ??

If you need to care for your mother, then it is "carers leave", in that there has been a breakdown of normal care arrangements for your mother.

walking I am sure that would be compassionate leave, and I hope all goes as well as can be hoped for.

Just texted my boss to say I won't be in, explained about my dad being in hospital. Feel guilty because I know they will be short staffed but I wouldn't be able to concentrate.

I've been told that if I do get power or attorney I will then be responsible for any debts in his name? Is this true?

I would have thought you would only be responsible in terms of having to sort them out. You can't be made to pay another person's debts.

I agree. My understanding is that you are obliged to keep all monies and financial affairs completely seperate. You are also not allowed to borrow as an Attorney, so and debt would predate the arrangement. But speak to the Office of Public Guardian if you want full reassurance.

Checking in. I went to see my mum today, she has a live in carer that I am paying £800 a week for. I've booked the carer for 4 weeks, but mum doesn't get on with her. All I heard today was irrational bitching about the carer.
I told her that my sister and I are finding this very stressful, but when I told her that we have both seen our GPs and are on anti depressants, she just rolled her eyes. Hand holds and 💐💐💐💐 to all of you.

I went to see my DM today. She told me that she hoped I had learnt my lesson from the telling off she gave me, so that it didn't need to happen again. When I asked what on earth she was referring to, it was a meeting we had with the carer agency about four months ago, where I corrected some of the answers she was giving as they were quite key to their understanding of her needs. Staggering.

My mother has become so nasty and bitchy in the past few weeks. I fear the onset of dementia.