Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

Oh CMOT, that is lovely and has brought a tear to my eye. What a lovely young man you are raising there. You should be proud of you and DH as well as DS.

BTM once she had a diagnosis she is entitled to council tax exemption. The council has a form that needs completing and I think one bit is by a Doctor. I took ours to the Memory clinic and they did it.

It's ok here, just want next week over with. DH has just left for the airport and I do feel bad he's doing this on his own again, though know logically it isn't my fault. DD has her enrolment interview at college then starts Wedneday. DS will have a strop about his English homework later so I am enjoying a peaceful moment at the start of the day.

I found myself ringing my Brother as I needed to hear my Mother is still being stroppy, just so something was the same !! She is and her legs have flared as she won't let anyone touch her so he isn't visiting until she lets them . He was going in everyday though to see if she would comply which I've suggested to stop as she loves conflict and is getting rewarded by seeing him and having a daily argument, she'll see that as a result.

Whoever would have thought that havin a dog would help with demented Mothers?! I find myself thinking what behaviour is bent reinforced just as I did when Plog was little. name changed to protect the smelly and over enthusiastic who is having me out of bed early.

Well done your DS, CMOT - he sounds lovely.

Oh thanks for that heads-up SugarPlum. I will ring the council lady tomorrow, if I remember! I am pretty sure there is no chance of attendance allowance yet as she barely ticks any boxes on the form - better wait till she needs more than 2 hours a week from a carer?
Hope your DH gets on OK in Spain, but you are right to stay with your DC - they need you and should be your priority right now

Ah, I forgot she would hav to be having attendance allowance to get the council tax benefit.

With the Attendnce Allowance you have to think of a bad day apparently. My Mother needed help with her legs and taking meds at the point we applied.

Talking of her, I managed to get through to her. She was having a good day and it was a pleasant conversation, she took interest in what the children are doing. She didn't ask to come back or moan about my Brother which he was relieved to hear.

Think things have started to turn a corner in some ways. He's off looking at electric wheelchairs plus needs to sort a daybed as she asks one of the carers to sleep in her room - never thought she would do that. He sounds much less broken and gets now what the deal is and what he has to do to emotionally protect himself. It was a steep learning curve for him!

CMOT you must have felt so proud! Well done ds!
BTM sounds like you have got a lot on to sort out and unravel. Have you got big changes for your dc too?
SPT - you must feel drained and missing your dh. Sounds like he has people there to support him. Hope it goes well for your dd at college- well done for sorting it all out. As for the English homework....... Dogs are good for dealing with elderlies- and like our dog dm takes far more notice of dh than me! So I use the nuclear power tactically????.
Hope you all have done sunshine today

Thanks SugarPlum - I really don't think she would get Attendance Allowance yet as she only has carers going in twice a week for an hour each time. Plus a man that comes to do her small garden about once a fortnight and the alarm button thingy! She is still pretty OK on the practical stuff and can move about OK, albeit slowly and with a stick outside.
It sounds like your mum is fine (as she can be) over there - must be a bit of a relief.

thesandwich, the DC's stuff is manageable ATM - DD is just starting sixth form and DS has gone into Y10, but I know it can all spin on a sixpence!

BTM, the Attendance Allowance form really needs to be done by someone experienced. You really have to list the worse. So 95%, even more, my mother is fine on her own at night. However she needs to have 24 hour warden cover for the very occassional time she wakes up disorientated and phones the police to say her husband is missing, or tries to leave the building or forgets she cannot get out of the bath on her own. And all the really small things that you may forget that you do, whether it is checking the fridge for out of date stuff, resetting the heating or hot water if it has been turned off by mistake. It is quite difficult to baldly write down your own parent's incapacity. Luckily I was able to sign the form on behalf of my mother, so never needed to show her.

Its a good thing to get out of the way, as being in receipt of incapacity benefits is essentially official proof of a problem. So further down the road I could use this as a reason why my mother's tax returns had not been done etc.

CMOT. I found your post sad, though your son sounds lovely.

Excellent post from NMS. The OT filled the AA form in and it was rejected initially. I then found a disability charity who appealed on my Mother's behalf and would have represented her at a hearing but it was granted on appeal.

In my Mother's case she said it was the regular prompting to take fluids was the strongest part of the case. She said it isn't the bits you would think it would be that are thd most important .

Great advice guys. I think I will go with DM to the consultant appointment and take it from there. She doesn't need help with any of the things you mention yet, but maybe the consultant can suggest how we go about getting OT assessments, etc?

My parents had their forms filled out by the carers centre, but they've also had ones done by AgeUK as well. My dad gets attendance allowance as well as mum (I think she gets higher rate, he gets lower), which shows that the amount of hands on care doesn't need to be high.

NMS - it was a sad day. At one point I was waiting with mum as dad wanted a drink from the beer tent, so I was making sure she was OK and not wandering off. So ds was off doing his own thing while I was waiting, and I was watching other families and thinking it was all the wrong way round.

I forgot the good news that mum had two hours at the day centre with her carer and was OK, and they are taking her back this week to spend a morning and will stay with her for a couple of hours then leave (just like nursery settling in!). Once mum is OK there, the carer plans for dad to go to craft group there.

Hi everyone and well done on your breakthrough with the day centre CMOT. I remember trying to take Dad to his local dementia day centre at Age UK and he lasted 1/2 hour before he insited on leaving, had an outburst at the lady running it and I was told not to bring him back " it wouldn't be fair on our other attenders".
Went home last Saturday and it was also rather sad. Dad is now on the fast lane to incontinence, he goes to the loo of his own volition but forgets to pull his pants down. I changed him while I was there and cleaned the toilet...
My bro also didn't seem too good, his mental illness seems worse again, he was talking to himself when we were all in the pub garden (for Dad's lunch).
But in a way I had a bit of a breakthrough. I have determined that this Christmas I will not go to Dad's but will stay at home with DH and kids. Basically DH left me in no doubt whatsoever as to what my priorities should be, which bought me to my senses and I'm glad. I also feel nio guilt about t, which would have been unimaginable 2 years ago. Glad I had that counselling
SPT- how things have changed! If you'd said 1 year ago your mum would go and live with your bro I don't think there are many on this board who would have believed it! And as you say, in a weird way maybe it's good for your brother to know the truth about your mum and her behaviour.

CMOT, that sounds good - the day centre I mean! I am going to see if I can persuade DM to go to something like a luncheon club. She was not at all keen when it was first suggested, but maybe she has changed her mind.

BTW. I lied!.

1. That the move to very sheltered was 'only till she felt better'.
2. That the lunches there were 'free for the first month'. (Never one to turn down a free lunch even though she had been adamant she ate her main meal in the evening.)

She loves both now. In fact I can't take her out for lunch because she thinks the food at her home is so much better.

Our parents are losing control. The digging in, seems in part a desire for some control and independence. And also perhaps an unawareness of their condition or unwillingness to think about the future. Social activity is very important for those on the dementia slope, keeps brains active and helps ward off boredom and loneliness. Plus reduces the burden on you as a sole means of support/company. You want to future proof a bit by getting her to learn new skills/places whilst she still can.

Can you think of a reason for her to go. Learn new skills, like songs to sing to her grand children etc. My mum accepted her first carer because she decided she was helping her improve her English. She did not need a carer. The carer needed her!

Oh, and subsequent carers are because the doctor won't prescribe the Aricept that helps her memory unless someone cones in each day to check she has taken the right amount. Of course she would not have a problem. But the doctor says.......

Oh feck. Mum back in hospital. I bet they'll rehydrate her and chuck her out without a discussion about why she just won't/can't drink enough and what this means.

Oh no CMOT. Sending strength to you.

Really sorry CMOT

Oh no CMOT

Well, she's been admitted onto the geratology ward for tests. So, we'll see what this leads to, but at least I know they are really nice there and don't just dump food in front of patients (they once kept mum in for a few days extra when dad got admitted to the same hospital)

I remember you mentioning that ward before. Fingers crossed they will take on board all the issues and not just go for sticking plaster approach.

Shes still there, having a scan today. Asking for her dad to come and take her home but not too distressed.

Dad is all fidgety, but distracted today by having his scooter serviced.

I"m sorry CMOT I imagine your stress levels are somewhat on the high side .

Thinking of you CMOT ??

Oops meant to be

Thank you for being here, it really means so much.

Mum will be staying in for a few more days. She has a UTI, won't really eat or drink for them, is wobbly, and has a big blood pressure drop when sitting /standing up.
But she's jumping the 12 week wait for SLT assessment and will be seen by them to see if they can help her drink more.