Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

Hi sandwich (very pertinent name!). Also hoping everyone's doing OK.
thanks for kind words re my bro. The help he gets at present is medication which he takes erratically (I've seen no evidence of psychosis since his major breakdown 2-3 yrs ago, but I think he can be good at disguising things) he goes to a drop in place for people with mental illness, and he was linked in with an excellent OT in the MH team, but she discharged him. He was offered a spell of residential rehabilitation but refused, saying he was afraid of being institutionalised and didn t want to leave Dad on his own.
Haven t been to visit Dad for 3 weeks now, maybe the longest ever since he bacame unwell, and dont feel guilty so there's progress! Bro rang and asked when I was coming in a slightly beseeching voice, which tells me he;s not durably pissed off with me. Will try and go next weekend. Back to work tomorrow after 2 week break, sigh.

Well done Bob for dropping the guilt! It's hard isn't it. Hope getting back to work isn't too bad- I'm doing some this week which I don't feel like- if it's raining it's not so bad!

We've had a lovely week (panics over parents notwithstanding), and are off for a soggy weeks camping. Dad laid it on thick with 'sad not to have seen you this week' this evening, but I refuse to feel guilty when this is the last days off this year I have - and its not like we are partying. PIL are too busy packing to go back to their overseas house to see us

I do like the new name Thesandwich!

Bob, definitely well done on the guiltHope work goes well, hate that feeling as the holiday ends.

CMOT really glad you've had a good week and hope the camping goes well. You've done really well on the guilt thing too, we're all getting better at it !

Quiet on the FIL front bar a text end of last week where SIL said she'd had a good chat with him. It's really getting to poor DH, he hasn't been sleeping and is about to enter a busy phase at work.

Waiting to see if the phone call comes this morning. Neighbour rang yesterday sounding quite destroyed frankly. I asked her it if it would be last night an she said it would but we'll see later I guess. He's been saying for days he wants to go and they thought he had twice but he is still here. August has been a very long month and I don't feel at all recovered from GCSE's.

DH sort if went into shock this weekend. He's prepared himself for the nd so many times then it hasn't happened that I think it had taken a slightly surreal quality then it suddenly hit him this is it.

SPT it is so hard- the waiting yet not knowing- you have spent all summer like this waiting for phone calls and trying to anticipate and plan- it is exhausting and immobilising.it is said we can cope with any kind of change- it is the fear of change which is so hard. And watching others - like your dd and dh- is so tough. Sending and wondering how are you looking after yourself?

Thank you Sandwich. No phone call so guess he has made it through the night. I won't be able to go with DH now to the funeral as my childcare about to go on holiday soon. Obviously DD doesn't need but DS does and we're into start of school territory and DS's birthday. It is what it is I guess.

Just had someone at the door asking for DH to go round and fix her computer. Had to go down and put a stop to that as DH not great at saying no and could hear her leaving long gaps in the hope he would say yes -have been rewarded by a cuppa and fresh croissant so am having a lazy morning.

I am looking after myself as best I can. Have a very good friend and we offload to each other regularly which helps. Plus I have take up doing my family tree. I've had a reasonable amount of time to read and until lately I've been doing the garden which makes me feel happy when I see it. Plus my Brother's acceptance of my Mother's condition has kind of drawn a line under the previous conflict there. I'm still tired though as the constant waiting for the phone has been draining, it has gone on the whole summer holiday as he went into hospital about the middle of July.

How is your DD getting along, is she sorted for the next year now?

His body is still holding on poor man though his mind is somewhere else .

He's gone.

I'm so sorry SPT

Oh SPT I am so sorry. How is your dh? We're your dc close to him? Sending [flowers ] to you and your dh. Here if you need us.

My condolences to your family.

He went the way he wanted, at home in Spain. The neighbour seems to have gone the extra mile. The last few weeks must have been exhausting for her.

Thank you both. DH doesn't know yet as is at work and I didn't want I tell him there so will tell him when he get backs shortly. . Suppose I shouldn't have posted here till I've told him really but I think an element of Autopilot kicked in. I have food and beer ready.

The children weren't close to him and rarely saw him. DD did shed a tear or two but more for her Dad and DS seems OK. DH has said before that it will be a relief as he had been ill for so long and we have been so stresed for the last few weeks waiting for the call, but I think it 's one thing saying it and another living it.

My childcare goes on holiday at end of the week and both the DC very wobbly about starting back so I think sadly he'll have to go on his own. I discussed it with his Brother when he rang and he might be able to fly out with one of his siblings.

After the funeral his and MIL's ashes will come back to UK then the whole family including Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren will get together to scatter them so we can all be there for that.

Didn't see you there NMS, thank you. I said to DH yesterday today is exactly a year since he flew back out after his holiday so he got a whole extra year in his flat and died at home.

The neighbour has been amazing and is totally exhausted poor woman. She fought hard to keep him out of hospital and SIL said when she was over recently that she arranged brilliant care for him.

So sorry to hear that SugarPlum. NMS said it perfectly

So I just got a copy of the Memory Clinic assessment of DM. She scored 43/100 on the Addenbrookes Cognitive Assessment - anyone got any idea what that means?

BTM - having had a look round, the cut off for the diagnosis of cognitive impairment is 88/100, dementia 78 (or 68 if the person had less than 11 years of education). Theres not a grading scale apart from that, but obv 43 is not good

Thanks. I thought not! I am going up to a meeting with the consultant (and DM) toward the end of Sep, so maybe I'll get the full diagnosis then. Fingers crossed she keeps bumbling along OK till then.

Tilly, I am so sorry. Dementia is a long process of bereavement, coupled with plenty of thankless and challenging problem solving/logistics.

I dont know if you spotted this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/2459161-Any-advice-please-Finding-it-difficult-to-keep-up-with-visiting-my-Mum but it is worth looking ahead and factoring in:
a) the capacity to learn new skills
b) the disruption, and subsequent deterioration, caused by any move.

Plus the sad, though convenient, reality that my mother probably now prefers trips out with her carer than with me. She is fun. I am the bossy person who runs the life of someone who has always been determindly independent.

So sorry BTM, it is very stark seeing things like that on paper

My Mother did the Addenbrooks Revised version which I assume is similar and got 68. The Psychiatrist said 88 Cognitive Impairment and 82 Dementia and under wasn't a sliding scale of impairment, just a diagnosis of Dementia.

Did she have an MMSE test as well?

NMS, thanks - that looks like a really helpful thread - I will have a better look later.

SugarPlum, I'm not sure! Hopefully will find out more from the Consultant. And I should get onto the council about another assessment whilst I am up there I guess!

My condolences SPT. I hope your DH is bearing up. I also hope the year to come is a less dramatic one for the SPT family!

Thank you Bob. He's okish and just booked his flight for the weekend. To be honest he hasn't has much time to think about it as DD thinks she might be happier at 6th form at a college rather than school so that took over last night and we've had 2 people at the door asking for favours.

I need it to be less dramatic as feeling very very pushed at the moment to be honest.

Hello all.
Tilly- I hope the meeting goes well and steps can be put in place. In familiar surroundings things are easier.
SPT- you have so much on and you must feel you have little in thank to handle it. And with your dd- it must be hard wanting her to make her own choices but know that it will be down to you to make it work. Take care.

How are things SPT?

I was so, so proud of ds today (and this isn't the sort of thing you post on FB). He walked alongside mums scooter and steered her, talked gently to her about what we were doing, he checked it was safe for her to cross roads and guarded the road till she'd crossed, he didn't bat an eyelid when it was patently obvious dad had wet himself, and he just got on with it all.
It wasn't the greatest day as it was so obvious how much she's deteriorated (and dad as well), but at least we visited and the event in their town let us spend time together without it being stuck in one room with mum asleep.