Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

That looks like it might work Twenty - thank you. They only offered dad bed rails, which you need to be on the outside of to let down

That's the one we had in the link .

SugarPlum, sorry to hear your DM has become so disorientated, but yes I think you are right that it was really bound to happen. And yes this is not your fault or problem at all. And yes, of course it's natural to feel relieved that your brother is now having his turn of dealing with it

Twenty, I will bear that - It's not just who they are we grieve for its also what we wanted them to be - in mind as it will definitely apply for me.

No phone calls from DM today!

Hello everyone. SPT sorry to her about your mum. It's inevitable she'd be very disoriented, being in the Far East takes some getting used to even if you don't have dementia. It is possible that in time she'll settle a little and find things to enjoy there. I hope so anyway. I guess all you can do over your FIL is be supportive and flexible when the time comes to go out there (if it does). My DH is sometimes full of gloom over his parents, who for their ages aren't too bad, and certainly don't have dementia.
My Dad is more placid than over the last year, when as some may recall he was nearly sectioned for "challenging behaviour". However he still has some fighting spirit and I was informed that today he was chucked out of a cafe (along with his carer) for some misdemeanour (I think eating out of another customer's plate then kicking off when challenged), but not before he'd taken a few swipes at the manager. I remember the horror I first felt when his dementia started expressing itself as antisocial behaviour, now I nearly chuckle when i hear the latest installment. That's because that's who he is now and I've accepted it, but when he was transitioning form his normal self to this, it was awful. Ho hum.

Thanks everyone. Very wise words about grieving for the people we want them to be. Applies to my Mother and both DH'S parents really.

FIL is 89 now. He's got end stage Parkinsons, diabetes, glaucoma, losing his hearing and is 12 years post triple bypass. Somehow he made it to The UK last summer and we went to see him, he really wasn't with it and had lost a lot of weight. He's always cold as well now.

The question hanging over us with him is how much longer will his money last and what happens then ? He has live in Carers now which work well but neighbour has POA and we're not sure what situation actually is. But have got to the stage where we're ignoring it for now as not much we can do.

I have very much emotionally detached myself from my Mother after I was ill at Easter. I will never forgive the lies she told me about my Dad and our German family and a lot of her other behaviour going back years. In a lot of ways she is already dead to me. I stopped thinking king of her as my Mum and she became my Mother if that makes sense.

Bob I'm glad things are calmer - I well remember his brief stint in a Home. I think you had hit the nail on the head, living witb Dementia is about acceptance, very hard at times. I'm still very glad I had that counselling, helped a lot snd I apply the 'is it your guilt to feel' question regularly that she asked me once.

SugarPlum, if neighbours have POA, then there isn't much you can do, is there?
And I get what you're saying about your mother. My mother has been my mother since before I left home at 18.

Morning all. Interesting what you say about mum and mother- counselling has helped me see that I have been trying to get the approval etc from mum for a long time but realise will never happen- it goes deep though and it is incredibly hard when I see her repeating the pattern with my dd- preference always for my brothers/ dd's male cousins etc...... Dd fortunately is of stern stuff and borrows the t shirt my dh acquired through counselling of " take no s*" when dealing with family baggage!!
It does help separating out the issues- but once in a while it still can creep up on you.
So we deal with the practicalities instead... I really value the insight and practical help from the wise ones here to you all.

I think a fair few of us can relate to the getting approval thing. That makes it all very difficult ax with Dementia you are inevitably asking people to do what they don't want.

With the POA and FIL not much we can do but would like to know how long before money becomes an issue and when the flat will have to go on the market as 3 of us have been told different things. She has apparently put money aside for the funeral in anticipation of his accounts being frozen when he dies but thats all we know and it would be more comforting to know a but more - not least because she has allegedly been bankrupt 3 times...

SPT my grandad also had Parkinsons and I remember he was always cold too, even in a heatwave. He was also frail, depressed, unable to get up after his frequent falls, it was horrible. All I could do for him after a point was put him in a home.
I'm really glad the counselling helped to strengthen you against all this.

SPT, your brother listened to her and gave her what she wanted, so I guess credit to him. Though he might have been wiser to have listened to you and to have worked out something more realistic. Its early days. What you describe does not sound very sustainable. I do like, however, the idea of doing something mad at an age when you are largely written off. And emigrating to Thailand is pretty mad.

My childhood was not particuarly easy with echos of the stately homes thread. I now realise that, a bit like the children of divorced parents, I tended to blame myself for problems. Indeed my mother used to tell me that she and my dad only argued when I was around, and that it was my fault. Our over communicating world with endless images of happy families, doing things like buying BBQs at Homebase or gong to Pizza Hut, does not make it easy. Things are much better now, as I know I have risen to the challenge, that with POA and sufficient funds I can organise things as I want, and also that others involved in my mum's care confirm she is quite a character. The period when I needed to intervene and before things had stabilised, was awful.

I no longer seek my mother's approval. Instead I ask myself whether my dad would approve of the way I am looking after her. He specifically asked me to take care of her after he died...and yes I think he would approve.

I think he has been quite let down by the CH and the reality way off what was initially agreed which is unfortunate. Absolutely with you on the emigrating to Thailand being pretty mad !

Asking yourself if your Dad would approve sounds very sensible and I'm sure he would - you have done amazingly well with her and she is very lucky you have managed to get her where she is.

Needmoresleep, it sounds like you have done a great job especially with all that baggage to contend with.

Spoke too soon. A trip to the very wonderful community dentist, which unfortunately is in a complete blackspot for parking. So the carer dropped us off and we took a cab back.

There is nothing my mum likes more than an audience for her complaints about me, so they were non stop in both directions. The carer was quite shocked. She knew my mother could be sarcastic on occasson, but had not seen this side of her. A real pity as dementia, and the weakening of constraints, exposes underlying character. The carer is fond of my mother, and though my mother perhaps thinks that emphasising her victimhood will gain her friends and sympathy, the carer has known her long enough to know she is well looked after, and far luckier than most.

Sorry you went through that NMS

Had an update from Brother today. Things are improving and he is making headway sorting Carers from a local agency. Have to hand it to him, he's really throwing himself into it and running round in circles meeting all her demands. She apparently sat there earlier and sighed happily saying everything is perfect.

He has had baptism by fire in understanding where she is at with her Dementia and has now put in place a very individualised care plan that wouldn't be possible to do here. He seems much more realistic as to her care needs and by the sounds of it has had more stress in the last two weeks than for many years.

Oh nms just when we feel we are at peace they can batter away at our defenses. And it hurts. And to you. You are doing a great job.

Spt- well your db is taking on the mantle you have carried for so long. And if she says things are perfect- her reality. Enjoy the peace.

NeedMore, that sounds grim, but at least you know the carer knew the truth. Your reference to the weakening of constraints echoes what I see in my mother.

I had a grim visit to her today. She started complaining virtually as soon as I came through the door, and was determined to find an excuse to moan and be contrary about everything. She's developed a problem with her ears (they probably need syringing) and I told her that I'd arranged to take her to the GP's, but she was talking over me about how she didn't care, it was all pointless, and she just wanted to be dead. But she then started complaining about her ears and was quite disconcerted when I pointed out that I'd just told her I'd make arrangements to sort that out.

She seems to get herself into a groove where the same phrases come out over and over again and she won't listen to anything so there's no point in sympathising. As I've said, I realise her life is very boring and she has reason to be depressed, but what is so difficult is that she categorically refuses to try anything at all which might help

Today I tried the robust approach, suggesting that carrying on like this wasn't helping her and maybe she should try putting that energy into doing something constructive, but it was as if she resented any suggestion that might help her. She was saying that my dad would be horrified if he saw what her life is like now, and I had to bite my tongue not to point out that, on the contrary, what he would be horrified by is the way she behaves. It all gets mixed in with stuff about how kind I am but how it's too much of a burden on me; but it really wouldn't be any sort of burden if she would just cut down the moaning.

I suppose one of the thing that really gets to me is that, a few years ago, she was always very intolerant of anyone with anything like depression and would loudly proclaim that they should just pull themselves together. I worry I'm getting like that with her, but I don't really know what I can do when she just won't allow anyone to try to help, or make any effort to help herself.

Thank you Elementary. I'm sure she does it because she thinks an audience will side with her and be sympathetic. Some are. I got quite upset a few months ago when a surgery nurse listened to her ranting about my shortcomings and expressed empathy. I don't know if the nurse even considered that I had been up at 5.00am to drive 2.5 hours in order to get her there, and would do the same on the way back, and that encouraging this barrage was simple rude. I much preferred the memory clinic lady, who presumably more used to dementia, stopped my mother and told her that whatever my shortcomings, I was there to support her and that my mother should be grateful.

Like SPT's mother, and perhaps 2010's, I think mine strongly prefers males and would not act in the same way with my brother. (Though suspect she has let something unguarded slip within the last few years which has given him reason to disengage.) She would be over the moon if my brother invited her to live with her. She is realistic enough to know this won't happen, but can't hide (or dosen't try to) the fact that I am second best.

I do look at her at time and think that, even with the dementia, she could drop some of this behaviour and make it easier for me. Ah well.....

Oh NMS I feel for you- and yes I know-as I have known all my life that my mother prefers men and my brothers and she told me after my dad died (thirty plus years ago) that he didn't like women. It goes so deep-that hurt. Counselling has helped on that but it still hurts.
And as I've said I see it in her response to my dd.
She is 90 and doesn't have dementia- but lots of aches and pains and does not leave the house without me but resents that-and is so jealous of my friendships and my life. Yet my brothers- who she has not seen since april-are all goldenballs as are their male children. DD's 18th yesterday- she was overwhelmed with gifts and vouchers and money from friends and family.Except my mum-who gave her the same amount as she gave my sil for an ordinary birthday(and I know how much she has in her current account) Helps letting it out!! NMS-rant away,I hear you.

Happy birthday twentyten's DD!

I hope that our reward will be a better relationship with our own daughter's. It certainly feels good to have exams over. What is yours doing next year?

I suspect (though don't know) the fatal mistake my mother made with my brother was to be critical about his wife, thus forcing him to choose. A very important lesson for those of us with sons. These negative family relationships are so draining. I feel I need to reform my character now so I can be a nice sweet old lady, rather than a moaning complaining one. I'm not sure how to do this, but it would pay dividends.

Hello everyone. Reading this reminded me of my grandmother (she'd be 98 now) to her anyone in possession of a Y chromosome was a higher human being. With a few exceptions (me, my mum) she didn't like most women and had particular rancour towards her sisters , and her son's wife. She worshipped her brother (detested his wife) , thought her Dad was a hero, and could find something positive to say about just about any man. I think she grew up in an era where to have a man was the be all and end all. All her aunts had "husband hunted" during and after WW1 and most women were seen as competitors, starting with her own mother (for her father's attention). Luckily for me though, she thought I was excellent and we got on like a house on fire.
As i mentioned above, I have had to deal with Dad's disinhibition, his aggression (towards me, my kids, members of the public), shoplifting, entering people s homes etc and it's been harrowing at times. But reading these posts about undermining mothers makes me realise that the drip drip drip of negativity can be just as bad in its own way.
You all have good insights, and I think as NMS says at least this can be a cautionary tale for us about how we interact with our kids/ daughters in law in the future (I have 2 sons).

Evening all. It is really interesting to reflect on what got us to here and what we can learn from it in our relationships- fascinating insights into patterns and how we got here.
Understanding the context helps. As does having a rant.
Spt- dd hopes to go to Bristol uni in October to engineering. Fingers crossed for results! What next for yours? A levels?
And I think there is the fear about how we will age- if we are lucky to live to old age. Planning matters- we tell dd we moved to be next to a bus stop!! My ils moved in their sixties from a very nice small town with all facilities accessible on foot to a hamlet of 300 with no buses, doctors, shops or anything for miles....... Contributed to their problems massively. I have two dear friends in their seventies who are great examples. Doing a PhD, doing the empty plinth thing in Trafalgar Square- at 3am..... I want to be fun and have adventures as long as I can!

Hear hear. I also suspect moving to a small village post retirement is probably not a good idea for most people. Funnily enough my Dad always said so, and pre alzheimers he worked hard at building a social life after coming back to the UK form working abroad.
One of my uncles moved from a small town in herefordshire, to a village after retiring. He soon discovered it was not what he'd hoped it would be. He then moved to Bristol and didn't look back. He even met a new lady online, after his wife died!

Oops sorry nms got names in a muddle! Thanks for the birthday wishes- she's having fun.

TT, fingers firmly crossed for her. I have a soft spot for Bristol as am a Bristolian and spent a very happy year working at the University after I graduated. I keep saying I must get back more but never seem to do it as Dad loves coming here. As he gets older though I will go up more.

As a total aside I have been doing the family tree and just found that my Family owned a farm and land that my childhood home was built on and owned the Dairy across the road where I used to ride at the stables behind. They sold part of the land to the University to build some of the Halls. We lived there for years with no idea as to its origins. I then found my GP Grandparents got married in the Church I went to Brownies in.

DD will hopefully be staying on to do A Levels and a BTEC in creative subjects so heavy on coursework - hope this suits her better as there was a lot of vomiting during GCSE'S. She is currently spending 2 weeks at a language school in Japan .

I have found the whole thing with my Mother quite hard. It wasn'y easy realising how much she lied and manipulated me to her own end and the family fall out still remains on thd other side of the Channel as a result.

She still plots in her head but doesn't realise she sometimes does it aloud ...

ok so mum has declined rapidly, they are putting a care plan in place with a DNR doctor has advised me to go and visit to say my goodbyes while she is still alert enough to know I am there, getting train up there on friday. He thinks she will last a few days, few weeks or a month no real way of telling just that she is not really eating much and is sleeping a lot so sounds like she is shutting down. done nothing but cry all day. thank god for a supportive boss.