Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

That sounds very difficult for you. Do you think they treat you with less respect because they are the ones caring for him most of the time and feel that you aren't there as much therefore "what do you know?" type attitude?

I think you're right bigTilly but it doesn't make it any easier. I will be back up there in 2 weeks after a minor op. I think it's the guilt trip thing as well. A card my father likes to play. The people round my father have formed a sort of 'cult' which excludes people including me. It got better the last time but I guess I just have to be quietly assertive and do the best for my father.
Thanks

ok so new problem.... went to see mum and she has deteriorated massively I am more than happy with the care home, we spent 5 hours there and saw it all in action so I am confident that mum is being cared for really well. she was much much worse that I was expecting though and is really losing the plot, ..... so tried ringing her tonight and am not sure she really understood much of the conversation, should I keep on ringing or would it be better to send her regular postcards and stuff to let her know I am thinking of her and caring? she forgets that we have been and says things like ... ' I have been left' 'forgotten' etc etc which is awful as she hasn't, oh god it has been such an emotional weekend seeing her, cant believe that in may she was still living independently at home and now she can barely stay awake for a short conversation, can barely shuffle along with a walker frame, needs help to go to the toilet and cannot remember much as well as drifting into a whole other scenario at times it is so hard to witness such a sudden decline.

I'm so sorry Eccles. It must be so upsetting to see such a massive decline. It's good to hear that you feel confident about her care. Post cards etc sound good- or little treats posted? It sounds as if the phone calls could be really upsetting for you and she won't know you called shortly after. Could you speak to the staff for updates? It always sounds worse on the phone. Please look after yourself. I wonder if your dm just kept going at home on auto pilot. Dmil did. To you.

Eccles

Hi. Popping in after a long gap (and a name change). I feel confused and exhausted after today's encounter. Both my parents are elderly and have numerous health problems. My mother's predate my father's but on any objective measure he is more frail than her. My mother complains bitterly about how awful her life is, resents the time she has to spend on household tasks he's no longer able to do and seems to be indulging in petty and spiteful behaviour to 'punish' him for this. She quotes with approval the advice of her friend, that she should put him in a home as she "can't cope".

I don't know what (if anything) to do. It's true she's not coping well, but in large part that's because she's never been a coper. I don't think he is frail enough to "need" to be in residential care. She refuses to spend money on (eg) help with cleaning or gardening, so I am perplexed that she's now speaking of a care home.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Hello woes. This sounds really hard- not sure if I recognise you? Not been here that long....... Does your dm realise the costs involved with care homes? Would she listen to someone from age UK etc? It must be so hard for you to watch. She perhaps thinks it won't affect her finances. My dm responds much better to doctors/ firemen(see earlier) any MALE or professional rather than me????.
I'm sure others will share wisdom but rant away... It helps.

Thank you.

I've just been looking at the local Age UK website (and offloading on my sibling) and there are some things there we'll investigate.

One of many bizarre things here is that my mother is quite well informed about care home costs, and seems willing to meet them, yet is too thrifty to pay a cleaner a (by comparison) trivial sum each week.

Woes, sympathies. Good that you have a sibling to offload onto and things to investigate.

Twenty, my DM is exactly the same - seems to find males more reassuring and responds better to them

Hi. Some of it is about pride and control- she probably sees a cleaner as taking on her duty etc.... Great point about men!!

Yes, I recognise the point about deference to men too!

Believe me, my mother does not see cleaning as her duty. She resents having to do household tasks, and considers herself to be too disabled to do them (no doubt they are tiring, but she's not incapable of doing them). It's about unwillingness to part with cash and also an unwillingness to recognise that, whatever her limitations, my father is even more limited in what he can do.

My mother was strangely resentful of my father when he became ill. Looking back part was probably dementia and the mood changes that come with the early stages. But she also seemed resentful of his needs holding her back, as if without him she could be a merry widow. Or perhaps she was at a stage where she needed help and so resented the additional burden his needs placed upon her. I recognise this sounds awful, and at the time I found it very worrying. I saw some of the behaviour you describe. It was not very rational.

Are there any sheltered or very sheltered housing options near you. As well as the support available on site, being within a community gives the less frail partner some respite. It worked very well for my Aunt and Uncle, where she was much frailer than him, and so he got help and then when a widower was in a community he already knew. Very sheltered has proved fantastic for my mother. My instinct would be to avoid a home if you can. People often deteriorate quite quickly to the "level" of other residents. Plus your father may feel he has been parked there. If you could get both moved to a more supportive setting, though an effort at first, it should theen be mnore future proof if one is left on their own.

Its horrid. In the meantime I am waiting for news from SPT. Is Thailand proving to be the promised land.

My dad was loathe to accept any help, and especially to pay for it (they have plenty of money, though I know it was not always that way). He still isn't happy about spending out on a cleaner and carer, but what swung it was getting attendance allowance - they both get it now - and the council tax rebate. Spending that isn't like real money apparently.

Dad isn't always very nice to mum tbh, but he can't express how scared he is, how much he misses the real her, and how he worries about what the future holds. So I can't blame an old, scared man for being shouty and fed up really.

You're right, NeedMoreSleep. It's not very rational, but it is worrying.

I agree, CMOT, that I don't blame an old, scared woman for being snappish and fed up, but she was boasting to me yesterday about some (small) acts of deliberate unkindness and I can't find any way to excuse that. That's a very good point about attendance allowance and I've been reading more about it (and carers' allowance, as I don't really understand the difference) online.

I've just had an encouraging conversation with the local branch of Age UK, and am hoping we can get some support in place through them.

Oh and they would never contemplate sheltered housing (although there is lots in their locality and I think it could suit them very well) because my mother is adamant that she will never leave their house.

Hello all- I hope age UK can help. They gave so much experience and local knowledge.
Yes I wonder about spt ant Thailand too.... Dd went to see dm yesterday ( while I was having a jolly and lots of cake with a very old friend) and stayed chatting for a while but left when dm started listing all dd's cousins' accomplishments ( with little interest in dd) and before she got TOO racist
That's my girl!

thanks again, I have sent Mum a hanging thingy to display her photos and postcards and have decided that I will ring twice a week, DH will ring once as well and I will send her weekly cards or photos and other treats. I am so sad at how things have changed, the sudden deterioration is just such a shock its great to rant here and know people understand so again thanks all. I feel better in one way as I knowshe is in a good place being looked after so the worries of her at home are no longer there but omg the emotional side is just shit

Hi Eccles sounds like a plan. Not sure if you have heard of the sundowner term where dementia sufferers become more agitated in the evenings? Might explain the phone calls a bit. And you are grieving- because she is not who she was. To you.

twenty, that sounds interesting re sundowner. Not least because DM rang this evening worrying about how to lock her front door.
And well done to your DD.

Eccles, that sounds like a good plan.

Eccles that sounds like a good plan , sorry she has declined so much.

DH tries to ring his Dad once a week but don't think he really gets anywhere, there isn't much of his Dad left. He went to meet his siblings over the weekend to talk. The lady upstairs from his Dad says that every time she comes away she thinks it will be for the last time, I think probably we're in the final months and I'm giving serious thought as to do with DC'S when DH and I fly out.

As for Thailand, are you sitting comfortably?! The situation is exactly as no doubt you all imagined it.

On her arrival there were no English speaking members of staff available so he basically became her carer, setting his alarm every 3 hours throughout the night. He's struggling with organising her incontinence pads and she arrived without a bra.

He's now arranged 24 hour care with Carers using the next room, it is in the early stages and still lots of problems.

Spoke to him earlier after a very long email he sent yesterday and he thinks she hasn't taken her meds and is all over the place, calling him my Dad. Refuses to come out if her room and see a Doctor.

Memory all over the place, very immobile and suffering with her stomach. He's had a lot of problems getting basic equipment such as electric bed.

As he said earlier Thailand has always been her carrot and there isn't really one now apart from the baby. Looking after her is currently consuming his life. To be fair he is fairly philosophical about it and said he did ask for it and now understands what I went through.

So exactly as I knew it would be but I feel so much better knowing it is no longer my problem - I'm aware that sounds awful but I do. She hasn't asked about me, I'm not entirely sure in her current state she remembers me. If that is the case I'm as at peace with it as one can be.

Oh spt- no surprises then. I completely understand how you feel - you have done your bit and can do no more.
Sorry about dh's dad- how does your dh feel? Were they close? Sounds like you are preparing for the inevitable. It is all you can do. I hope you are enjoying the sun( if not the heat)

I'm sorry to hear that SPT, but absolutely its not your problem.

A regular postcard sounds absolutely the thing Eccles, and gives the carers something to talk to your mum about.

Does anyone have any suggestions for something that might stop mum falling out of bed, but suitable for a shared bed? I think she's more not waking up fully before getting out than actually falling, but its happened twice now recently and dad can't get her up.

Mum had a big white metal handle thing that fitted under the mattress and is used to grip onto when getting up, it could be s sort of barricade off the top of my head ?

DH'S Dad has been ill for years TT, his Mum rang to say he had died 12 years ago then rang back to say he hadn't ! They aren't particularly close - his parents retired to Spain and chucked him in boarding school for the last 2 years of school. His Dad now just stares at the TV and forgets to chew and swallow.

DH said he felt it would be a relief to some extent as feels his Dad has no quality of life left. However I broke the news of his Mum's death to him which was very expected and he did physically reel as if he had been punched so I think however much expected it will still be hard - especially as is his last parent. Bit of time yet I think but think we're into months at this point.

Hi all . Cmot- the occ Therapist provided dm with a bed support which helped her get in and out also stopped her falling.
Will try to link.
Spt - sorry to hear this about fil. It's not just who they are we grieve for its also what we wanted them to be.

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Aidapt-Easy-Grip-Bed-Lever-Transfer-Rail-To-Aid-Mobility-In-Out-Of-Bed/151206941043?_trksid=p2141725.c100338.m3726&_trkparms=aid=222007&algo=SIC.MBE&ao=1&asc=20141212152715&meid=111fe10c51f94fa382d5e02d39d8c092&pid=100338&rk=2&rkt=29&sd=321117306317

Any help?