Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

I agree. My godmother, who I hardly saw when I was a child, is wonderful and engaging and has been able to fill in lots of gaps in terms of understanding my mother's childhood. I would add that I have often felt a bit of a fraud. The worst was over by the time I found this section, and things are now pretty stable. It is possible to find the right level of care and support. The trick really is to be informed and prepared. It would have been much easier for me if my mother had a POA organised, if she had been prepared to trust me earlier, and if she had done some reasearch on where she might move when she was less capable of independent living. Instead it all fell on me in one go, and I suspect my brother feels that by choosing a cheaper option, the one I felt was the best available at least in the short time I had to research, I have in some way short-changed my mother. By not considering the future, decision making ended up with me.

SPT I missed your news. Amazing. I hope you are OK with it. I also hope it is a happy ever after story, where she gets to play happy families with her son and new grandchild. This is what she wanted. Though I am sure you too realise that a lot can go wrong. She might not like it out there, your brother or the care arrangements may not deliver on their promises, and she may not adapt to the climate or to local conditions. Years ago I lived in SE Asia and the first few months were tough. New comers seemed to be bitten a lot more than locals, each time I had a small cut I had a small infection as I had still to develop resistance to local bugs, till I was acclimatised I found the heat/humidity draining, as well as the inevitable gippy tummy. If it all goes pear shaped at least you know she got what she wanted, and yo should take credit for allowing it. Her determination is to be admired. I don't envy your new SiL, if she is expected to pick up the pieces with a new baby and possibly a complex relationship.

Thank you NMS I am fine, very relieved if I am honest. I hope it works out for them but if it doesn't, it is something my Brother has to sort. I made it clear to both of them that we would not be coming out, not entirely sure they listened to that and believe me but it has been said.

This is now entirely on my Brother for the rest of her life. I hope he is up to it and understood what he took on but frankly it is too late now if he didn't. I pointed out pretty much all the things you said above but he said it will all be fine - if it isn't it is something he will have to sort. I have no idea whether he will have a relationship with his Baby's Mother long term (I'm not entirely clear if she is having one now ) I doubt he knows either. She is very young and I don't think she has any idea what she will be dealing with so do feel very sorry for her but hopefully they will all find a way to rub along together. She certainly is one determined lady and ever since he first mentioned the possibility of going out there has had it firmly in her sights. Don't ask me what his plan is if it all goes pear shaped, I have no idea but he will have to sort something out without me as I can't do anything from here.

Hi spt. You must feel very relieved. Let your brother take the strain for a bit. And now exams are over for you- last one here tomorrow. Then phew.
Hope you have lovely summer plans.

Melfish. No I got POA. Luckily my mum had a fall rather than a stroke, so sufficient capacity to sign. I think someone posted recently saying Court of Protection was a real pain.

Melfish I think I read people can decline Executor duties at the start is it too far down the process to look at her doing this?

My Mother's capacity was an issue with POA. One solicitor did say good luck to you if you need to get Guardianship which wasn't encouraging to be honest and I have read it is a pain as you get inspected. My Mother granted Health and Welfare POA to my Brother after recovering from infection and regaining capacity, this was done by a solicitor who was happy that she was able to to this.

With the financial POA I asked the GP to be the certificate holder as was a bit worried about any come back. She put on a good show, he didn't doubt that she had capscity and he was happy to do it. Capacity is complicated and does fluctuate. With the POA it is specific to people understanding the significance of granting the LPA so if she could get back to the stage where she can take that info and retain it for a bit then she might be ok to do it - even if at that point she doesn't understand the importance of other things such as personal care, it's just whether she can makevthe decisionnon the POA ad capacity isn't across the board but is situation specific if I have u der stood it correctly. The certificate provider doesn't have to be a doctor or solicitor so maybe you could use someone known to her who is in a position to and prepared to do it.

All very difficult and capacity is a bit of a nightmare due to how it can fluctuate, not easy for you

Gah!

Just had an afternoon of calls from DM/to carers, etc. She was in a right tizz, saying people have been in her house touching stuff. These people being the ones for the Panic Button. After several calls, I ascertained that they had not been out to her since May and the daytime carers who only go twice a week have to have her open the door to them. Managed to speak to the man who does her little garden now and he said that she is very agitated about the Memory Clinic assessment (on Thurs) which is confusing her.

I guess I need to try to convince her that we all want her to stay in her own house but I need peace of mind - need to know other people available to come to her aid as I am so far away and that Memory Clinic is just to check what she might struggle with.

Just venting!

BTM. We had a lot of that. She was convinced her cleaner had stolen half a loaf of bread and a cabbage and was hugely indignant.

Think the idea of the Memory Clinic is very stressful for people , there's a kind of feeling of being on trial. By the time most people get there I suspect they know they have problems and there's a feeling that their shortcomings will be exposed to the rest of the world officially.

Keep posting, good to get it out.

Btm sorry it is so hard. Sending and . No experience of memory clinic but she must feel scared. Keep venting- we hear you.

SugarPlum, it's that kind of thing! Apparently someone had got in and once I had finally got to the bottom of it, put 2 dirty cups in the cupboard. I think.
And yes she is obviously feeling like she is going to be on trial and scared about what that means. But won't listen to reason. Not sure she even really understands what I'm saying!

Thanks for your support

Thanks sugarplumtree , spoke to one of the care team who said capacity is measured according to what is being asked, e.g does she understand what she is signing. She is quite lucid when talking to male relatives so perhaps I should send one of them in with the relevant forms!

Hi all. Hoping I've found somewhere to vent.

My mother is 89. She had a stroke a few weeks after my father died, and it left her with some weakness on one side, she can't write or understand numbers and time, and her speech is a bit odd. She's in sheltered housing where lunches are provided and there's someone on call, and carers go in twice a day to deal with medication and other stuff.

She's understandably bored and depressed, but what gets to me is that she absolutely refuses to do anything that might alleviate that. Everything I suggest she vetoes, or tries out once or twice and decides it's not for her. She bemoans the fact that she can't write, but refused to try to re-learn; she always was hopeless with technology, but we went to some trouble to get and set up a manual typewriter for her, but she just got it packed away at the first opportunity. We arranged for the library to deliver books, and they went to some trouble to establish the sort of thing she likes, but she refuses to try reading them - if she hasn't read it already it's automatically suspicious and something she knows she won't like, if she has read it already - even when to my knowledge she can't have read it for 40 years - she won't read it again. She will only watch ITV3 which is the channel that has endless re-runs of things like Morse and Murder She Wrote, she complains that that is boring but won't contemplate watching any other channel.

I have reached a point when there just doesn't seem any point bothering to try to find something she might like, but that means that every time I visit her I'm just listening to her complaining about how bored she is, how awful everything is, and how she just wants to die. I try to empathise, but I increasingly have to grit my teeth and push myself into visiting. I really see what everyone means about how draining it all is.

Elementary, it is draining, isn't it? I think it is pretty difficult when their speech/language has been affected by a stroke and in her case has left her unable to read properly or write.

Would she like adult colouring in books? My DM seems to enjoy them now, but also still does some knitting/crochet/sewing. Is she able to do any practical stuff?

And yes, for me at least, it is definitely a question of gritting my teeth. At least you know she is being looked after and is compliant with that, which is good.

Elementary, visits are hard. My mother takes no interest in her Grandchildren or indeed not much else, so there is little to talk about. I now take her out for a coffee as she likes to watch the world go by, and it means we dont need to try and converse, or she can simply comment on what she has seen. (Inevitably quite uncomplimentary, and in a very loud voice!) An hour is about her limit which is fine with me.

By chance she finally had a carer who she likes and who seems to have the measure of her. I arrange for this lady to take her out two afternoons a week and my mum's overall mood has lifted a lot. Oddly I think it helps that it is a non relative, as there is no emotional baggage.

Not that this is makes it any easier, but I wonder whether there is a gender difference in the way people experience and express dementia. I have not had to manage depression/ passive aggression with my Dad. I have though been faced with full on aggression, physical attack, lashing out, shoplifting, and grand scale public meltdowns. Suffice to say his local police station had my mobile number on record and would frequently dial it. At the time it was pretty shocking and i felt a huge amount of self pity (just my luck to have a Dad who dements in the most socially unacceptable ways). But reading these posts, i realise that the relentless negativity which seems to mostly come from mothers, must be pretty hard to take too.
You have all my sympathies. I rememeber one poster saying she had perfected switching off, while giving understanding nods. Maybe set a time to visits, express sympathy, do a couple of jobs around the house then get out?

Great advice here. You are not responsible for your mums happiness. She has choices. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Good luck!!

oh god , mum was taken into a care home last week and was ok to start with, she knows she cant be at home but there has been a massive deterioration since. She really is not well, I just spoke to her and she was away with the fairies, said 'oh yes I am fine thanks... i'm in Blackpool' she's not she is in the NE I don't know what to say, do I agree and go along with it or do I say No you are in xxx Mum? so bloody upset, I thought she was going to be ok but she isn't. I am going to travel 7 hours to see her tomorrow so will spend all day sat with her and see what's going on.

sorry, bit upset after the call, what I mean is for those with folks with dementia, do you agree and go along with the rambling or do you correct them and say 'No we are in xxx, doing xxx' feeling like things are getting out of my depth, she is 'very not well' and I doubt a kinder chocolate will help

I think its kindest to go along with their reality, though I wouldn't necessarily reinforce it - so for example to her saying she's in Blackpool, I'd ask if it was nice there, or say something about how we used to have a lovely time on holiday in Blackpool, but not talk about her going out today in Blackpool if that makes sense?

that is really helpful CMOT I saw her last month and she was fine, frail but fine, we took her to the pub! less than a month later she is sounding really bad, will wait to see how she is when we go but that is really useful advice, sort of go along with it a bit but not pretending it is real! think I can do this

Hello Eccles.It is always harder over the phone-I am sorry.Great advice from CMOT. look after yourself,and rant away here.

Step, on that TV programme, they were going along with it and the Dementia Patients seemed to be very happy. If she is so confused then I would go along with it like CMOT says - it seems pointless correcting her all the time. And yes, it is VERY difficult on the phone, as I know from DM - much better face-to-face.

Just back from DMs (only 5 hours each way for me, Step!) and it was relatively easy to get her calmed down and realising that she is getting confused/worried/agitated over nothing. The panic earlier this week was because in her mind, apparently a man (I think to do with the panic button) had got in whilst she was out and put two dirty teacups in the cupboard, a coaster on the side and made a keyhole in the front door. I managed to get her to see that those things were already in the house (coaster is 40 years old) and that she had just forgotten about them!

Memory Clinic went fine, next step is to see the doctor in September.

Glad the memory clinic went ok.

Thanks Tilly its so hard being so far away isn't it. good luck with the doctor.

Father 92 with terminal cancer. Has next door neighbour as carer as well as others who come in and help him. I'm 400 miles away but stay with him weeks at a time. I have POA and my father and I decided that this man should also have POA for medical emergencies etc. I have the power to sign cheques as need be as well as my cousin who looks after his accounts.
Father still very aware despite physical infirmity. My problem is the attitude of this neighbour and others who come in treat me with a lack of respect. Advice please.