Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

I thought it was very good CMOT, I was most surprised when it appeared in front of my eyes! I hope you don't mind,I wrote quite a long post on there figuring the more people get to read the better.

Sorry your Mum wouldn't sign NMS. It is the things like this which wouldn't occur to people who haven't lived through it.

Hope the pain clinic can help Twentyten. Also hope Maths was OK today.

Hope MiniDibbler enjoys scooter, cake and meal, Happy Birthday to him

Hey CMOT. I have added a mega essay/rant. Do you think MN will invite us to their next Christmas party. You maybe. But they might steer well clear of a ranter.

I hope you enjoyed the party and mini-CMOT liked his scooter. I found that enjoying family time after the initial crisis, means I am less willing to drop everything for my mother. This has not been put to the test, but DD only has a year left at home and I hope I am not forced to choose.

Excellent post NMS, some very good points.

Wonders of wonders my Mother has decided to restart her meds all by herself as far as we can tell. Assume it was a protest against lack of attention and now it failed she has resumed But who knows.

I really like what you wrote NMS. Its so important that people hear the reality - especially those who work in the field as they don't realise how hard it can be for people to access what help there is. As well as the frustrations of negotiating banks, utilities and so forth.

We didn't go out in the end as ds was so tired, so it was the chip shop . He's having a friend for a sleepover tonight, and then we'll do thai tomorrow night instead. Once of the advantages of not having family clamouring to see us is we get to choose what we do

Save Thai till Saturday and make it a Eurovision party!

DD, newly 17, is going to one. Nicely timed at the start of half term and a week's break before AS exams resume.

It is amazing how often people employed to be supportive don't get it. One or two have been great and told my mother to stop when she complains about me and have insisted my views are taken on board. However others seem to take my mother's preferences as absolutes, without questioning whether they are workable. Seemingly relying on me to pick up the pieces. She should be listened to but we are at a stage where what she wants is not always in her best interests, and often not in mine. Me, and my family are stakeholders too, and need to be allowed a voice.

Agree about people who are supposed to be helpful often not being so. The Admiral nurse i got to meet didn't endear herself to me by asking me if my kids were grown up- no , they were 4 and 8 at the time. Did I really look that haggard? Also, she was freaked out by my brother who was mentally unwell at the time. She sent me a booklet explaining Alzheimers and that was that. However the OT from the dementia team was a real rock- until the team was axed.
Probably the most helpful people have been Dad's carers, at least the more competent ones. They keep him safe and have stopped his home being a hovel- along with lashings of work from me, it has to be said.
Well done CMOT for your post, it really drives the reality home.
Ultimately I believe Dementia care should be funded a lot more equitably. Care is THE treatment for people with dementia, because there is nothing else. But the person has to pay for everything, unless they are "lucky" enough to get continuing health care (which usually means they are very sick). Imagine chemotherapy, or dialysis being means tested.

SPT, it sounds so frustrating for you, the circle you're in. We are in the same with MIL. When she is well she has full mental capacity, when she ill she can barely say one word, and despite her being more ill than not, the GP and other health professionals say she is capable of making her own decisions.

She was great until Wednesday, then the district nurse tells her she can't have the dressing changed on her bedsore twice a day as she would I've, but now twice a week. And in true mil fashion she is now too weak with lack of sleep that she can barely eat. She has pressed her button up to 4 times and hour every hour since Wednesday. I feel sorry for her carers, but they say they have dealt with people just like her and part of their job. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that she is there an not in her old home. DH and I have been there most of yesterday and today however, which I guess is part of her manipulation, getting everyone pandering after her every whim. It makes me laugh (internally) when she has a weak little voice for everyone,meet can yell full blast from the other room for DH.

Does anyone know about POA? Thinking it would be best to get this for DH and I for MIL as I pretty much do all her paperwork and stuff, but there is always that bit red tape that stops people speaking to me before speaking to mil, yet when she is too ill she can't even tell them her DOB.

CMOT, off to read your blog. Well done on it.

Hi all.
So sorry to hear of the challenges you are facing SPT and Rain. CMOT, enjoy your meal. Isn't it always our families that suffer when there is caring to be done?
SPT hope the exams are going as well as possible.Good time for a week off-dd leaves school today- I took her in early for something to do with putting a shark(not real) in the school pond and a skull and crossbones flag up ........
Lured DM out for coffee which took a bit of cajoling - I enjoy those bits-but then now have to deal with the practical bits which had been outsourced- one cleaner now too ill to clean/replacement uses too much bleach/didn't clean the hob/gardener's mother died so she's not around and the garden is causing stress-minor issues I know compared with what you are facing but all land with me to add to the list.
www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/overview is a good place to start-advice also from Age uk etc.
Hope you all get a bit of down time over the weekend.

Get a POA as soon as possible. If she, say, had a stroke, you would want to be able to continue doing her admin and also make decisions on her behalf.

You don't need a lawyer. Just print off the forms and line up relatives who have to countersign and someone qualified who can witness. We used the priest but perhaps the GP. Then pick a lucid day.

Check whether you have to add in separately that you can charge expenses or even recharge for your time. (This will depend on circumstances and being able does not mean you have to. If there will be IHT to pay there is logic in legitimately reducing the size of the estate.) if not in there you can't go back.

In reality it may not make much difference but it will mean you control of decisions and don't have to fall back on a lengthy Court of Protection process.

hello all, i am feeling a bit lost and upset. My lovely mum (87) is 350 miles away (a 7 hour car ride) and in a community hospital, she has finally recognised that after surgery for cancer and a few falls that she is unable to manage for herself at home. ss have assessed her and agree, they are yet to do a financial assessment but are keen to move her from the community hospital she has been in for 6 weeks to a care home back in her home town for rehab with a view to getting her home, where TBH she would probably be happier. I speak to her on the phone every two days, my DS 1 rings often too. I have a brother in her town and a brother a 3 hour drive from her who also ring and the local brother visits probably only once a week as far as I know, (we don't communicate well as he is not a nice person) its breaking my heart though as sometimes i speak to her and she is bright and happy but very very bored then tonight I rang and she is so down and feeling neglected. I feel shit leaving her there but can't do anything. I want to be with her but can't as I have to work and could only sit with her if i was there. brother in her town is not a nice man and has little compassion although he is good with the practical stuff, brother 3 hours away just leaves it all to brother in her town and just rings every week. I feel so bad, she is feeling like she has been dumped by her children and I can't do any more that tell her how much I love her and will visit when i can, we went last weekend (17 hour round trip plus 40 mins to the hospital) we took her out for lunch and she was so happy but financially and otherwise, much as I would like i can't do it every weekend. just posting to get it off my chest I guess as tonights call upset me, I just want ss to get her somewhere more stimulating but they expect the family to show her the places they have vacancies in and brother in her town won't take her,( hospital is 40 mins away) brother says he wants her in specific home cos he seen it and is happy with it, but I feel she should have some control still, ss are on the case but its so slow. sorry no question here just getting it off my chest as I feel so helpless and sad for her.

Hello Eccles so sorry to hear about your mum. Not sure if I can say anything to help- just that there are plenty of folk here who understand. It is so hard. We just do what we can. And don't feel guilty.

What a rotten situation for you Eccles - and your Mum. Does she have strong links to the town she lives in? Would it be feasible for her to be moved to a home closer to you, even if just while she gets stronger? You can only do so much, you're keeping in touch, but you have to deal with the reality of your own day to day commitments too, and I know that's really not easy.

Thanks twentyten I tried that ajandjjmum but no way will she consider moving from her home town. I wish she would as I would visit every evening after work. If she goes into the rehab / care home I think she will be happier as her friends will be able to visit and as its near her house she will feel closer to home too. It will also feel like a step nearer to going home (doubt she will) best scenario is that ss take her to visit so she feels she has made the choice herself and get her moved quickly and involved in some activity with other people to talk to. I think she would be happier then. gosh being so far away is hard isn't it. elderly parents are hard even being there I guess but when I was in my twenties moving so far did not seem an issue at all, you just don't think at that age do you

Sorry to hear about your mum Eccles . Such a shame you live so far away, you'd be your mothers best advocate. Would it be worth you taking a week off work to show her some homes, or is that just not manageable?

We have had such a god awful week with MIL. her carers went to spy heck on her on Wednesday and she was non responsive. So ambulance called and she came round after oxygen. She refused to go to hospital but her care talked her into going. She had X-rays and blood tests and nothing found so they were sending her home. Just as they were transferring her to the ambulance trolley her heart stopped. She has a DNR so staff couldn't do anything. Just as the doc was about to call it, her heart started beating all on its own (after 2 minutes of nothing and no breathing). She is being hailed a miracle .

Anyway, after such a big fright for us all and cutting a long story short, she has had a pacemaker fitted today. Given she has terminal cancer, COPD and a miriad of other illnesses I'm surprised they even suggested it, but cardiologist thought it would be fine, which hopefully will prolong her life a little bit.

Having a struggle with the hospital though as they're not listening to us regarding where she is going. She should be going home tomorrow but they're insisting she can't and are sending her to a centre for the elderly as she doesn't need any medical care, just nursing. They're not listening to the fact she has just had a huge care package put into place, her carers do not need 48 hours notice of her return as they are there 24 hours and that she decided herself against a nursing home.

DH going to go in tomorrow when the doctors are on the ward.

So sorry rain- you have had a tough week. Keep fighting

Hi cmot and spt- how are the exams going? It's tough watching them go through it all.
And how are all the elderlies ? My dm seems to think the treatment is helping- I feel the attention from a nice young(60 year old) man is part of the appeal.......

Well the end is in sight, a week tomorrow thank goodness ! Maths tomorrow which I am resigned to her resitting in the 6th form. What about your end ?

My Mother is actually fairly well for however long it lasts. Dementia unit can cope with her but Physio says she is too well to be there really. However she can't be anywhere else or would get thrown out.

I'm glad that your mum is finding some relief from the visits Twentyten

My oldies are okish. Dad has his cystoscopy on Friday which he is fretting about, and mum continues to decline week by week. She can't use even the slow mobility scooter now as she tried to go straight out in the road - which of course means dad can't take her anywhere with more than 10m of walking because thats all either of them can manage.

In good news though, she is having a twice weekly bath using the new bath lift, and as she's supervised by their carer to do this she's wearing more than the same 2 outfits. And without too much arguing.

I'm sorry about the scooter CMOT, that must be hard for them both. Twice weekly baths and more clothes is very good though.

TT my Mother can apparently tell the CH staff about every man that has walked past the window....

Thing is, your mum is only too well to be there because she is there - anywhere else she would be ill again as she wouldn't be adequately cared for.

Physio not fully acquainted with full history so got told exactly that to nip any ideas of moving her again in the bud ! It was Physio who managed to persuade her to start taking meds again and she has got her up and going again very well.

As in able to go to the toilet independently again.

Hi cmot and spt. Good to hear the end of exams is in sight- next one here on Friday then 3 next week- going on until 22nd!! Just keep swimming......
Glad to hear the elderlies are fairly stable- but sorry to hear about the scooter. Worlds shrink,don't they?
Hope you are getting some time for yourselves. Out for coffee with a dear friend tomorrow before the next physio trip- she seems to think it is making a difference

spoke to ss about Mum, they are doing an assessment this week with a view to getting her in somewhere temporarily that will offer some rehab and stimulation. social worker was sympathetic to us being so far away, could not promise to arrange a visit for mum to both homes in the running but did agree she should have choice in all this. felt more like she was on our side a bit. mum sounds a bit brighter but bored stiff poor thing. weare sending her postcards to cheer her up and I ring every other day. DS1 rings every week and DH does too so she has plenty of contact. fingers crossed they sort things out quickly.

Its Friday, its sunny, I don't have any work meetings this afternoon, so was thinking of getting out on my bike for a good ride....

So of course the phone goes at 7am with dad saying mum has had a turn and he thinks she's going to die. Which I doubt as it sounds like another of her 'normal' episodes. But he's called an ambulance, and shes gone to A&E again.