Oh CMOT. Time for yourself and for your family is so important. It is much easier if you can add elderly parents to one of the things you juggle rather than be overwhelmed with problems to which there is no easy solution.
And Peter, welcome. Your poor MIL. I understand the hallucinations are terrifying. It must be sad for her as well if she wanted to be a hands on grandmother. My mother was adamant she had done her childrearing, albeit by paying boarding school fees, and had no intention of being involved with grandchildren. Her interests were golf, cruises and bridge. We used to send them to stay when I was working full time, mainly because my dad would book them on sailing courses, but the price was a daily report on how badly behaved they were. The sad thing is that now, when her world is closing in, she has no history or emotional connection with her grandchildren. They are nice teenagers and willing to visit, but she has not invested enough and so gets no return. The emotional links last longest, so if your 5 year old is willing, try to ensure they can develop a relationship, ideally away from the care home.
I'm not posting as much, in part because things are fairly constant, and so other things have taken priority. With a nod to 2010, "we" have one AS level left, and then, though there are a few more weeks of school, summer will have started. DS took his first year University exams a couple of weeks back. He has not returned from University (which admittedly is only 15 minutes by Boris Bike) so goodness knows what he is up to.
A couple of good things:
- Our holiday flat near my mum's is proving a great sucess. We have reserved 10 days in June, and my in laws will go down for a week. Good for them as well, as they are now too old for trips overseas. We and DD will go down the first weekend, and DS and some University friends will go down the second. Thus DC will get to see all their grandparents, something they mean to do, but with everyone being at least two hours away, does not happen as much as it should. And the flat is booked for the rest of the month so we cover our mortgage. I find it makes a lot of difference being able to "just call round" to my mum's. The dementia means that she has little to give, so a visit that involves a 5 hours round trip is unrewarding. (If anyone else needs to make regular visits to a south coast town with a good beach and a decent football team and an elderly population and wants somewhere to stay PM me!)
- I have employed a former carer to take my mum out twice a week. They have a good rapport and she is happy to be paid to take my mum and sometimes one of her grandchildren for an outing. My mum loves a change of scenery and and a chance to see the world go by. The really wonderful thing is that this lovely lady takes a level of responsibility. She knows that it is difficult for carers to get my mum into the shower etc, but that she can. Essentially she is doing what I do during visits, taking my mum out but also checking basic things like whether there is any toothpaste or are there any dirty clothes in the linen bin. I still get down theere once a month but it is great to have someone else "being me" coming in more regularly.
Other than that the dementia is slowly encroaching, and my mother's time clock is becoming increasingly awry. Though things are stable at the moment I suspect she only has about 18 months in her current "extra shletered" setting, and that will involve increasing support for someone who regularly sends carers away. She will hate being in a home.
I wondered if there were any appetiite for a meet up in London before the end of term. I live very centrally and so happy to organise, say a lunch, somewhere close. I recognise that others are frantically juggling parents and children and jobs, and that it is a bit arrogant to assume the world comes to London. However if there were interest, I am happy to organise. I met a couple of wonderful MNetters when things were at their worst, and it was amazing to find so much in common and, importantly to laugh.