Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

Really sorry to hear that CMOT it's horrible. I don't think Dad realises I am his daughter, or even what a daughter is. When I say "I'm your daughter" he answers "that's good then". Another sadness, but somehow with a father I suspect it's easier to take. I never had a very affectionate relationship with him anyway. If it had been my mum I think it would have hit much harder.

Thanks, Twenty - they're being put in touch with a Macmillan nurse this afternoon at the local hospital.

Tell me - I have no idea about my DF's prognosis... when they mention Macmillan, I presume its because the final decline is about to start...?

I've been firmly putting my head in the sand with regards to my emotions, and just dealing with the practicalities. I have a horrible feeling its all going to just erupt one day :(

A Macmillan nurse can help at any stage, though are more likely to become involved with people with more advanced cancer. Which is not the same as actively dying by any means.

Have your parents had a social services assessment of need?

Thanks CMOT. Ironically the Macmillan nurse was off sick today. It's funny how you find the humour in these situations...

My thoughts about their involvement are/ were correct, then.

They're going down the private route, so no input from SS as yet. Not sure if it'll ever get to that...?

My parents pay for their own carer, but the SS assessment did do a couple of things, practically the most important of which is the crisis carer service which kicks in if dad is incapacitated in some way. This means that when dad has been admitted to hospital, mum gets looked after which is one less thing to worry about immediately.
They also, at least in their area, are the gateway to OT assessment and the people who fit handrails/shower seats etc.

Well worth trying to get that referral done as it can take ages. Are they claiming everything they are entitled to in terms of attendance allowance and council tax rebate?

I think they've getting attendance allowance, but not sure about the Council tax rebate... Whats that all about?

Sounds like I ought to contact SS, but need to run it past DM first... I'm not sure quite how keen she'd be to see them!

Thanks again CMOT.

The factsheet on council tax is here - basically the person with dementia is disregarded for council tax purposes, so theres a 25% reduction

Hi. Can I join for a brief rant. My Mum has dementia.

Conversations are so circular, I don't want the conversation to be about me, but I usually don't even need to tell her that I'm fine. All history is being rewritten to make her the heroine, or victim, and like the pedant I am I want to shriek "It didn't happen like that!"

I know I don't have it as hard as many people, but I finish most phone calls and want to weep. I put the phone on loudspeaker and say Yes or No occasionally. Nothing else is required.

I know just what you mean - my mum doesn't really talk now, but my dad (who cares for her) wants to talk to me on the phone every day but has very little interest in me. And alas he tells me the same things over and over.

I confess that I MN during these calls so I don't get too wound up/sad about it.

Sometimes I think that by accepting stuff we deal with and having a bit of a cry or rant about it it helps me to move on from that particular aspect.

MIL is currently in A&E following a fall. She was on the floor all night and too confused to press her help button. She seems to have a chest infection.

I'm worried that they discharge her. She has no care coming in and is barely mobile.

We need a few days to sort something out.

There are others more expert than I am. However you might try to speak to the Social Services liaison people in the hospital. If they feel she won't be safe at home they might be able to delay discharge, or do a home visit to consider adaptations.

Alternatively if your MIL has any rainy day money this might be time to spend it. A couple of weeks convalescent in a good quality care/nursing home with good food would buy you time and give her a chance to build up her strength.

Good luck. Also consider this fair warning if the Power of Attorney is not sorted out.

Thanks for replying.

POA is all sorted out. The hospital are keeping her in as she has exacerbation of her heart failure. No infection and no fractures which is good.

They're going to sort out an OT assessment for her and asked about home circumstances. I'm very relieved. She is very frail and seems to have lost weight. Dunno if her bloods are okay, but she looks very pale and a bit jaundiced.

At least her home circs will be addressed now. I've been nagging dh to make some decisions, but he's been skirting around the issue for weeks.

I think she'll need carers to go in several times a day, but don't know what'll happen about the loo overnight. I'd be happier if she was safely in a care home, there's a lovely one near us, but I don't think she'd like that.

A couple of weeks convalescent build up her strength could really pay off. My mum spent 5 weeks in a home after a fall until we could something out for her and the food, nursing care and the fact there was someone there 24/7 was valuable. There were others similarly convalescing.

I managed to move my mum to 'very sheltered' with her own flat but restaurant and 24 hour warden. Fantastic. Is there anything like that near you? Carers are often poorly paid and difficult to manage.

I don't know if there's any sheltered housing nearby. The are arranging a physio and ot assessment.

I do worry about random carers going in. I think there's better supervision and control in a care home. A relative in law had jewellery stolen by a home carer.

Phone up adult social services and ask about care options. They should know about sheltered housing etc. Even if she is self funding they will want to help ensure something sustainable.

Also ask everyone for ideas. Vicar, GP, hospital staff, even boiler engineer...

People who provide services for the elderly will know what is out there. Some staff, eg NHS, will not be allowed to make recommendations but can probably suggest places you might look at.

Also whether a home or external carers, things will go missing. Perhaps because older people can forget where they put things. I would but a small safe for valuables to make sure they are out of the way of temptation.

Hi really hoping someone on here can help.

My poor old Dad is in hospital at the moment with septicemia.We were terrified we were going to loose him,but by some miracle he's started pulling through thank God.

His consultant spoke to me today and said that we need to sort out a bed for my Dad downstairs.He doesn't need a medical specific bed.So I've been looking for ages but all the Day beds I've found so far seem as if they're for occasional use rather than to be used every day which is what my Father will need.

I wondered if anyone knows of any companies that make Day beds for permanent use?

Will your dad need to be sleeping downstairs, or is this to use during the day?

My parents just have a single bed in the sitting room. I guess if I wanted it to look less like a bed at times I'd pile nice cushions on it, but they aren't bothered - mum spends a lot of time asleep in the day, and they also use it when one of them can't climb the stairs due to illness

www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/50080315/
Is this any good? Agree with cmot. Can the occupational therapist help with other equipment too? Good luck.

Yes sorry,he will be sleeping downstairs.

He has a stair lift to get up and down the stairs but sadly we lost my Mum just over a year ago and they were together over 50 years so he won't sleep in his and my Mum's bedroom anymore.

Thanks Twentyten that bed looks really nice.I think he might like that,I'll show him tomorrow when I go back up the hospital.

Not sure about the occupational therapist I've only seen her visit my Dad once whilst he's been in hospital this time.I can't really ask my Dad as he also has dementia bless him so doesn't always remember who he's seen and when.

They do have others too- glad you liked it. Good luck

Hi all. Relatively new to mumsnet but so relieved to have been directed to this thread. My mum is 88 and just beginning to develop Alzheimer's I think. I only get to see her every 3/4 weeks or so as I live 200 miles away ( cue major guilt trip) but the last few times I've been with her she has been really nasty to me seemily for no apparent reason . Its not like her. Then last night she had a major tantrum and tried her best to trash her bedroom ( who knew old ladies could have so much energy and strength) it was really scary tbh. Anyway she calmed down eventually and seems OK this morning and wants to go shopping!!! I am in a dilemma though as I don't know whether to mention it to my brother who is her main carer. In fact I'm surprise he hasn't said anything though he is very good at denial. I don't see much of him other than when we hand over shifts as it were.
So any advice on coping with mum (and brother!) would be gratefully accepted . Thanks for reading.

Oh dear Lily, she sounds like a teenager

I think it is quite hard to see when someone is slowly deteriorating and you see them very frequently. You get used to reading their mind and compensating for them - I guess that's your brother? And maybe a bit of denial? It becomes really obvious when someone who has never met them before tries to ask them questions and stuff they can't answer.

I think you should tell your brother and ask if it ever happens when he is caring for her, and whether he is managing OK or if he thinks she/they need some professional help. Not sure how you approach it though, if he is in denial.

Thankstilly I think you have hit the nail on the head and helped to articulate how I'm feeling. I have decided to have a chat with him as soon as I can

When my now teenage daughter was born my MIL had leukaemia. Fortunately she survived, but as a consequence she has had two (failed) hip replacements and seems to be developing more & more dementia-like symptoms. My FiL cared for her until a serious illness 5 years ago left him with serious mobility problems and brain damage. They are both highly educated, very articulate, wealthy and will not accept any help from anyone. They won't even get a blue badge to help their friends when they take them for hospital appointments.

We thought things had come to a head in the new year when MIL had a stroke & spent 3 weeks in hospital. Their sons & I cleared our diaries, moved in in shifts & did everything we could to get a support package in place. We mopped up wee, washed disgusting sheets, threw away rotten food, sweet-talked their cleaner & installed care buzzers. They agreed to all the help we offered to get them, until we returned home. Doors were shut in SS's faces, suggestions for home improvements were spurned, Zimmer frames were put in the dining room & MiL refused to wear her buzzer, despite having falls.

Last night FiL rang to say MIL had been taken to A&E after choking & blocking her airways. She's pulled through, probably because FiL had the good sense to press his buzzer & get an ambulance. My DH has had another day of washing, cleaning & trying to get the house back together again and food in the fridge within its use by date.

MiL has cancelled a memory clinic appointment because they both want to go out to vote, despite the remaining 13 hours in the day the polling station will be open. Their refusal to have postal votes regardless of their mobility & health issues explains perfectly why she needs to go to the memory clinic!

I have no idea why I'm posting, I suppose I want to simply let off steam. We all work full time, have up to 500 miles or at least a stretch of water between us & them, and never get any acknowledgement of what we do to help. They are pig headed & ridiculously blinkered, but we love them & we miss the people they used to be. Everyone's suggestions of ways to help & get care in place are totally unworkable because they are too proud to use the help available. I'm waiting for DH to get off the ferry & come home to give him a chance to vent. My DD has spent the day in my office whilst I've been at work. Happy bank holiday!