Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

That is the hardest bit- the shift in roles as our parents become the children and us the adults. Well done for the appointment- in lots of ways find a way to detach and deal with the practical - and find somewhere to take your feelings- here is good ! Push for support/ help- age UK offers great advice and services.
Good luck and rant here if you need to!

Gorgeous have a look at the Ladycare magnet. here i have no idea how it works but several people I know swear by it.

I find the memory clinic very stressful. There is no denying the facts when you sit in on the memory clinic appointment.

Today Dad asked me where my father was. This is such a cruel illness.

Hello Gorgeousone, I'm very sorry for what you are going through I wonder if it is worth ringing through to the Memory Clinic in advance, explaining that she refuses help and that you work full time so are struggling. Sometimes people are more willing to listen if it comes from someone outside the family.

As for the parent abroad scenario I feel fir you. My FIL is abroad and it has been very difficult .He has given POA to his neighbour who allegedly has been bankrupt 3 times. BIL is over there and said he is satisfied it has bern done properly but also said that he doesn't really know who they are or where he is.

Moving day for my Mother today. I am nervous as I have high hopes for the new place and really want it to work out well. My Dad and Stepmum were down at the weekend so we went over there to have a coffee and decided to ask if we could look round as I hadn't seen it finished. Bit weird that I went with Dad but he is still married to my Mother (legally separated 20 years now) so maybe fitting he saw it. Him and my Stepmother have been immensely supportive bless them. DH came too and we all thought it was fantastic, really hope she settles think she had another TIA yesterday though.

I had a talk with the staff there and filled them in on her history. I think they will tell it how it is to my Brother should he fail to get her condition. It was such a relief to talk to people who specialise in Dementia and know the score. I really feel at the moment she will be in the best place possible and hopeful that it will work out as well as it can do in the circumstances.

I also noticed that my Dad and Stepmother are now needing a bit more moral support themselves. They had a bad year with Dad having shingles last year. He has had a cataract done this year and the other one will be done this summer. Plus the house is being rewired this week and the roof needs doing plus a kitchen wall is damp and a tree needs to come out. Dad said she feels overwhelmed so I need to keep an eye on him. He is our 'well' parent but I must be careful to look beyond this I think.

Thanks all for support/suggestions.
I will phone memory clinic in advance as she does tend to listen to authority figures more.
I'm glad the new place is good SugarPlum tree. Knowing they are being looked after is a big part of the battle, I assume. But dementia is a cruel and weird disorder. Trying to stay patient when they refuse to believe that this conversation has happened at all before, and that you have made a mistake somehow. My mother does not trust us (her 2 daughters) so is giving poa to my dh, who is good on all the financial stuff, thank goodness.

SPT I hope your mother's move today went well. You should give yourself a huge pat on the back for having come this far, despite great difficulties. Well done.
Gorgeousone- your mum may have savings but she could well be entitled to Attendance Allowance, which is not means tested. Also, she could get reduced council tax (25% discount) on the grounds of mental impairment. I managed to get both for my Dad without much difficulty. F0r attendance allowance, google the telephone number of the relevant govt body, ring them and they'll send you the form. For the other one, phone the council tax dept and ask for the form. They both need a GP to fill a part in, hope you mum s GP is helpful, maybe book an appointment with him or her and get them to fill their bit in. Good luck.

Hi everyone. Been lurking here for a bit since mum died, supporting dad & generally trying to get back into the old routine. Whatever that was! Dad left for a short stay in their house in France within 5 days of the funeral, so I’ve had some time ‘off’ elderly parent supporting. He’s due back this week sometime. I'm worried about him driving all that way as the house is about is about 10 hours from the ferry port, but he’s assured me he will take a break on the way up, & not drive for more than about 4 or 5 hours at a time.

Gorgeousone I would echo what twentyten said about separating out the practical from the emotional, if you possibly can. It helped me to get through a very difficult 6 months with my mum, & the support on here helped, more than I dared hope. Sharing experiences really does ease the burden. If you go down the Attendance Allowance route, our local CAB has specialist advisers who help people to fill out the forms – so check whether yours does this too. It’s important to get the emphasis right on what the claimant can’t do, on a bad day, rather than what they can manage, on a good day, despite their disabilities. Again CABs have really good information about the ‘points’ you need to get the benefit awarded. And you could look at the Disability Rights web page on AA which is really useful. Good luck at the memory clinic & take care of yourself.

SugarPlum hope the move went ahead OK, your mum settles quickly & gets the support she needs to live happily at the new place. When mum moved into the NH it was a bit hit and miss with the staff during her initial days there, in terms of them understanding her needs, so making sure they know about your mum’s history should be really helpful. Fingers crossed for her, and you.

Hello all- hope the move went well SPT-and well done.You have worked so hard on this.
Brilliant advice from the experts on here-good to see you Ping Pong.How are you doing?
Look after yourselves-took DM to see specialist about her arthritis who could only suggest botox after injections have not made much difference-made my mum laugh more than in months and she said she wants to go back to see the nice young man!!

Welcome back PingPong, this is a bit of a Groucho club- no none would really want to be part of it, but hey at least you do get good support and advice on here. Good to hear your Dad is still able to get himself all the way to f
France. Funny, going to France was one of the last things Dad wanted to do before his dementia got too bad. I took him to Lille for a long weekend. Hope your mum gets good relief from the botox Twenty and maybe the doc could leave a couple of vials hanging around!
My latest concern is a dental issue- dad has a molar which repeatedly gets infected and won't fall out. The dentist had a peep and says it needs to come out but there's no way dad will tolerate the procedure without a general anaesthetic. Now i know GAs can be a very bad idea in people with dementia- it makes the loss of cognitive abilities worse. My worst fear is he will come round and be so impaired that he can no longer manage at home. As it is he is still just about self toileting, self feeding and with all day carers manages OK. But after a GA? I have let his dementia team know I am very concerned and would rather the whole idea was dropped, and the tooth is managed with antibiotics and analgesia. I don't have POA for health and welfare though.

Hi bob & twenty. I’m a bit of a mess inside, tbh, but putting on the ‘coping face’ in RL. Trying to support others on here is a tonic though . Easter weekend with PILs is looming and for all sorts of reasons I’m dreading it. But that’s a whole other thread.

bob sorry about your dad's tooth - is he getting frequent dental check-ups to make sure there are no complications / spread of infection, rather than just treating it when it gets painful?

Hi pingpong- so sorry to hear it is so tough. Rant away- support here like you give to so many. Be kind to yourself.
Bob- it is really hard with your dad. Would local anaesthetic work? Good luck. Lots of and to you.

Ping pong- what is happening at Easter? Please make sure you take time for you.

It's simply the thought of being with my PILs. I'm absolutely dreading it. I can't bear the thought of being with them. It's nothing to do with them, it's me. Being around MIL/granny when the other granny - my mum - has died, is bringing it all back into focus. FIL is really ill too, so that all gets added into the mix. He has liver/stomach cancer but we are not really sure what his prognosis is. He’s had operations & chemo, told us last year he was in remission but is obviously very jaundiced & unwell. MIL is lovely - v caring & will want to help, but I want to hide from them both. So I'm trying to gather together some coping strategies, which so far include hiding in their spare room reading books, drinking and not a lot else.

Pingpongbat I'm so sorry, can see why that is tough Could DH have a word with them and say that you need some space ?

Twenty ten, isn'tbit great hen you get someone who the actually like seeing? Think you might need to share that Botox round,I look ancient.

Bob I totally get where you are coming from. Is there a halfway house with sedation? I don't know anything about the effects of it on Dementia and think it would exacerbate it, but maybe less than a GA ? Is there not somewhere a Dentist who specialises in Dememtia who could be contacted fo advice? I feel for you.

Went over to new Home last night. Unfortunately she arrived without her clothes which wasn't great though a lovely lady went home and got her some. She is very confused and had to be told things over and over plus kept going on about going to Thailand saying she doesn't like it there. Quite a difficult visit. Physio going in today who she loves, not to do physio a doubt she will be up to it but o bea familiar face, take her to explore and for coffee - and to talk to the staff about strategies she uses with her. The staff were all lovely and Mum did clock the cotton sheets so not all bad !

Thanks everyone re the dental conundrum replies. A dentist specialising in dementia sounds like a good idea I will try google and take it from there. ALso, it's just occurred to me I work in a hospital so I will go and try and find a geriatrician to speak to.
Pingpong i totally get where you are coming from re MIL- when DS1 was born MIL came over and i could not get over my resentment. My mum had died 10 years earlier, and all i could think was- why are you here and not my mum. Not very nice I'll admit and i have since gotten over it as MIL is a nice lady- but not as good as my mum, obviously.
SPT the 1st day is bound to be rocky. I think NMS said in a previous post give it 4 weeks and see how she's doing then. Hope it goes well.

Oh pingpong- I do understand and I am sure your mil will too- getting dh to mention it is a great idea. Get some big fat glossy mags and some chocolate too. And it's ok to howl too if you need it.
Good luck with the dentist issue Bob - a geriatrician sounds like a really good idea. He must be in such pain.
Spt- it is really early days. You feel good about the care and the place- you have done your very best. The physio sounds lovely.

Sending to all. Be kind to yourselves.

Bob, I have to say that I wouldn't choose anything for mum with a GA after her last one was awful and it took 2 weeks for her to be anywhere near safe and she had a large loss of function which was permanent.

Twenty - I've had some great results from therapeutic botox and the good thing is that it isn't terribly painful and if it doesn't help theres no long term downside

SPt- hope your mum settles soon.

Thanks everyone the more i think about the surer I get it's a bad idea. Unfortunately Dad's key worker is away on jury service but I contacted the dementia team, which rather alarmingly has been disbanded (however the professionals who made it up are still around as far as i can see) and i left a message for the CPN and psychiatrist saying I am very concerned and asking for advice. I'm going to contact the carers too and ask them not to take dad for any dental work for now.

The Community Dental Service near my mum is great. In theory they would even lay on transport. Appointments are longer and I feel more confident that any treatment will be conservative. My mother would not be able to learn any new routines, so I am hoping she can keep her teeth for as long as possible.

Word of warning though. There was a very long wait list. Once you have an appointment, rebookings are automatic, but if the service is available it is worth putting the name down early.

Also worth knowing about domiciliary opticians. And thinking about having a chiropodist come by. (The latter did not occur to me for ages, but obvious really.)

Thanks everyone i have put the brakes on any dental work involving a GA, at least until everyone has weighed it up properly and i have spoken to a geriatrician. NMS I think it is the community dental team that he has been referred to, it was back in Jan he was referred so he has been on the list a long time.

hello all
You are an incredible fountain of advice - thank you and I will check out those allowances and the idea of the CAB is good too. Her GP seems to hate old people frankly and has been worse than useless at every turn.
So sorry to hear about your loss PP, and totally understand about Easter. Long walks alone are probably one solution for that one - I do hope it is ok.
WAbob - can they use gas, which might be less detrimental?

My mum told me today that she really missed talking to her daughter, but it was nice talking to a friend.

I cried.

She's really on a downturn and is sleeping an awful lot. Dad is depressed and was telling me I should come and see her this week before its 'too late'

Oh CMOT I am so sorry I don't know what to say.

Hello everyone. Not sure if I've posted here, but visited the Altzheimers board a few times. I have a DF with dementia who's had it for about 6 years. It's all got hugely complicated by 2 different cancers, one of which is now secondary and in his bones.
DM is struggling to cope. She's got some sort of lurgy ATM, so I went over yesterday to pretty much send her to bed, spend time with DF and cooked lunch ( and leave supper). They do have help. Non specialised, but some support.
They both have lost so much weight. DF on fairly strong medication so has lost his appetite, and DM just struggling.
Don't know quite what to do. The local GPs are good, but not miracle workers. No other outside support, other than DB who helps where he can.

Hi all,
Cmot- I am so sorry. That must have broken your heart. To you.

Cocoa- hello. Do you have Macmillan involved? Could they help at all? Vent and rant away here- lots of wisdom and support.