Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

poor bear wouldn't stand a chance would it!

Mum seems to be pretty routinely incontinent now she's had a massive downturn after each episode, and this is obviously no exception. Their carer has sorted them out with waterproof sheets, and instructed dad to get Tena pants which apparently mum has accepted, though she hid the packets in various places

I had a strange moment of guilt earlier. It turns out that my brothers new baby will be a girl. Mum would have loved having a baby girl in the family, and would have made a lovely smocked dress (she used to adore smocking). This feeling came over me that I should make one for them - which is ridiculous really.

Hi all.
Dads had alzheimers for 8 years and is now an absolute nightmare! Hes talking to people only he can see, cannot find the toilet, cannot follow a single simple direction. Hallucinations are not fun when they last days and nights...
I spend large parts of the day with them to help out (im paid for 16 hours a week through direct payments) but in reality im there far far longer.
Mum expects a lot from me. My DB is useless. Hes unemployed but doesnt help out or call unless he wants something...
He wouldn't even visit dad when he was in hospital.
On the plus side mum is finally looking into respite.

The icing on the cake is my DP is terminally ill but nobody makes allowances for that. They all expect me to be there for mum and dad at the expense of all else...

Sorry for the complaining but it feels so much better to get it off my chest.

HI Ludoole I remember you posting before Christmas and thinking how tough it was, especially about your DP. Hoping he is not doing too badly at present.
Demented parents are incredibly stressful and if you are not dealing with it all yourself, you often have to pick up the pieces of an incredibly stressed and often resentful other parent who is forced into being their carer. I'm tempted to say prioritise your DP, because maybe in the long run that is what you will remember as being most significant, although of course only you can make that kind of call. And as for useless (usually male) siblings, that is a running theme on this board. Do come back on here to vent if that helps, to be honest that is what most of us on here do from time to time!

Hi Ludole. So sorry to hear your story. As Bob says feel free to vent- and please don't try to take it all on. Db's are often useless- but sometimes we need to step back to let someone else fill the void. So sorry about your dh. What support do you have?

Twenty Theres no support from anyone. Relatives who used to visit, have stopped coming. They dont even phone/text anymore. Dd has a couple of CPN's but they arent much use.
My ds's (15 and 12) have inbuilt radars and spend time with me when they think im down and make me smile and laugh.

Its just been a shitty day because dad asked me for the first time today who i was... We had been laughing and joking all through the morning while i was showering and dressing him, and then he stared at me and asked me who i was
I knew it would happen eventually but it was so unexpected and i felt devastated.

Whataboutbob Dp is muddling on thanks. Find out next Tuesday if they are going to stop palliative chemo or try a new one as current chemo is not doing anything.

So sorry Ludoole. Is your gp any help to you? You sound such a lovely caring person. Or are you involved with the local hospice? Ours offers great support for carers too. Please seek rl support. And vent on here any time.

I remember when i first realised Dad had forgotten I was his daughter. I don't think he has any concept of what a daughter is now, and I'm pretty sure he has forgotten my mother, who died 20 years ago. However I think he knows me as a person, and I never thought our best moments would be sitting on the sofa holding hands and watching homes under the hammer (he often says "you're a nice person" and I do find that helpful somehow). I think i stopped thinking of him as my father years ago, out of self protection and it helps. Really I think of him as a toddler in a 6ft body. It's hard and dementia is just full of these losses but it has helped me to re adjust how I see my Dad.

I think thats very true Bob - letting go of mum as my mother really helps in coping with it all. Small pleasures should be taken where you can - mum loves her cuddly toys and her toddler musical book which is not the old her, but makes the new her happy

My mum is not sure who I am. She also has limited insight into her disability so for a long time simply saw me as this bossy person who turned up and dragged her out to the GP, dentist or memory clinic and who would nose around in her firdge or bathroom and read through the care log. She did not like me very much.

Two day trips are better. Day one can be chores, and often difficult. Day two is an outing. She likes those, and I am this nice familiar person who is treating her. Trouble is, she forgets the first day. I don't.

Basically whatever helps us get through this has got to be worth it- OK maybe short of drugs and an addiction to gambling websites! NMS I think of it as a mercy that Dad does not have much insight into his disability. Having said that I often see signs of frustration when he wants something and can't articulate it or get it . Often they are fragments of his old life. He has a mania for trying to get into cars (amazing how some people don't lock their car!) I think he reckons he'll just drive off (insert sad emoticon).

So sorry about your partner Ludoole. I hope spring brings many good moments for you both.

Dad back off to hospital again....

This is all just getting too much.

Oh sh...

Seems like angina. He's on his way home now, but the paramedic was very pushy that they need more care, so will broach that tomorrow

Your heart must sink each time the phone goes, with you thinking you don't have either the emotional or physical energy to go through it all again.

Sorry to hear this CMOT. It must be so draining. Having to steel yourself each time. From what you have said your Dad totally has capacity, and is holding outside help at bay. I guess no matter how much people tell you he has to accept it, it's not much consolation when you have been a hostage to fortune for years and it's robbing you of peace of mind. Never thought i'd say this, but in a weird way I was kind of lucky that Dad's dementia is pretty florid, and he has no spouse to pick up the pieces so has had to accept outside help (carers).

So sorry CMOT. I hope something does come of this. I understand that feeling of dread and knowing you are running on empty. Sending and .

Really sorry CMOT think this is one where if you can it might be best to hide behind the Medical Professionals. Also is there a friend of theirs that your Dad would listen to you could maybe approach for back up ?

I'm hoping their carer will tell them that they need more visits as dad seems to trust and listen to her. Hes increasingly anxious and suspicious which isn't helping, and unfortunatly their friends dont want to be involved anymore. Which to be honest I can't blame them for

CMOT, I found Oliver James' Contented Demential book flawed, but there were a few really useful ideas. One was the idea of deciding in advance the "tipping point". At what stage does it become too much. As in the toll on you and the people around you.

Your dad appears to be in a tunnel of clinging on. The sad thing is that this must be really stressful for both of them and that they have probably missed the boat for a setting like very sheltered which would have enabled them to simplify their lives and so cling on longer and in a less stressful way.

It is only going to get worse. I think my dad hid my mums memory loss so he could die in his sleep in his own bed, with me to pick up the pieces. Your dad instead sounds as if he might like this solution but is instead heading for a slow decline, with stress and anxiety contributing.

Are you or health professionals aware of another setting that might work for both of them. With your dad perhas offered that this is for your mum and that when she dies or is effectively bedridden, he can return home or to something more suitable.

And what is your tipping point. The point at which you decide that you cant offer any more. The toll on your health and your family's well being is too great. Can you explain to your dad that his firends have dropped away because they can't cope, and that you are getting close to that stage.

That all sounds a bit brutal, but I hope I am forgiven. The anonimity of the internet. flowers

Can't add to NMS' s excellent post but am really hoping this can be resolved effectively.

Moving date to new CH for my Mother next Monday and BIL plus SIL over with FIL to check on situation.

Hello everyone. I am enormously pleased to have found this thread as I have been struggling wth huge feelings of guilt etc. My mother is 91, has beginnings of dementia but lives alone and refuses all help. I am working full time. She is divorced from my dad (95) who lives abroad with his wife (88) where he doesn't speak the language. I have just come back from visiting the latter couple who are really struggling. I speak to my mother daily, visit once a week, take time off for medical appts etc. She has no friends and no support. I have grown children and am struggling with menopausal moodswings, wherein I find myself worrying about the old people a lot of the time. I'm not really looking for advice, just solidarity!

Hello gorgeous one! Sounds like you have a lot on. Feel free to vent- and please look after yourself. The menopause is tough- have a look at the menopause threads and speak to your doc. I could not have handled the last few years without hrt and ad's. And please make sure you get all the help your mum is entitled to- and introduce carers etc because you cannot do it all. To you.

Thanks so much twentyten. Flowers much appreciated! I have perused all the meno sites, tho am not an hrt fan. My mother doesn't seem to be entitled to any help as she has too many savings! we r going to a memory clinic on May 29th, so perhaps they will say she is entitled to something. I then have to persuade her, and so far she has been totally resistant to all help I have tried to introduce. it sounds like everyone on here is having a tough time - it's like dealing with difficult children in many cases it seems. Thanks again for the positive response.