Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

Next weeks meeting is in Germany - can't be cancelled as its big and everyone is there. But if it all went pear shaped, I would just have to back out and take the flak.
Trouble is he's just so frail that I never know if things are going majorly wrong, or if its just his poor body reacting to the acute crisis. So it could be nothing (relatively) and this will all be over by Sunday or....

Do you think respite near us would be best? Then I could keep an eye on her and visit, rather than trailing around.

Your poor mum. Hope she recovers from the fall soon.

Yes I do think on balance respite near you as you are going to run yourself ragged otherwise . The only thing that makes me hesitant is getting your Mum into see your Dad. See what the others think.

Totally get what you mean about his frailty and acute crisis. It is very difficult and when Mum was ill the other week I noticed just how reluctant people are to say what they think is going on. Probably because they think my Brother will sue them in our case !

I had to say to Mum this evening that actually we wouldn't be coming out to Thailand if she does end up going. She is quite convinced we would but it isn't something we would be in a position to do for a variety of reasons, not least of all the fact I have no wish to go - would much rather go to Germany with you to be honest, I don't do high temperatures.

So sorry cmot. So difficult. Do you know respite places near you or her? Which would you feel would give the best care? Communication is key. Please look after yourself.

So, I get off the plane this morning, and go to see dad who is now on an acute medical ward, no longer on oxygen and not catheterised. But his tummy is very swollen, and his breathing is laboured. Not totally with it at all, and intermittently in a lot of pain from his abdomen.
All his named nurse could tell me was that he was having IV antibiotics every hour, and would need another day of that. Beyond that, she 'needed the Dr to talk to me' and due to a major incident, they weren't answering bleeps and hadn't been on the ward today.
Dad has had ultrasounds of his abdomen, an MRI scan of his abdomen, and then an MRI of his head. The last of which is a bit worrying.

Theres a care home very close to me which does respite, and which has a v good care commission report and local reputation

Sorry to hear this cmot. Lack of communication is awful. Hope you get a bit of down time this weekend.

That is really frustrating CMOT, I am sorry. The local CH sounds very promising though.

CMOT, I am so sorry. The stress your father has been under over the past two years must have been pretty unbearable. I hope this does not mean his body has given up on him.

Can you get your mother into respite near you. Then depending on the news and particularly if he is going to need a lengthy hospital stay, could he be transferred to a hospital near you.

There is very little about this that is pleasant.

Well, I'm not sure whether he's actually feeling better today or just putting on a show. He has an echo booked for the morning, and from what his nurse said hes been retaining fluid in his abdomen and they suspect heart failure at least. They won't have all his results back until at least lunchtime tomorrow and 'then they will see'.

Spoke to mum who is quite distressed at him not being there, and when he rings her, she doesn't know who he is

And now for an AIBU. My brother normally lives 4 hours drive from dparents. However his ils live 20 mins away. Turns out, they've been there since Friday, and though he's rung mum and dad has not been to see either of them. AIBU to think that he could have got off his bum and checked on mum at least? She could have had 3 visits from him over the weekend, putting dads mind at rest. I have sent him a text asking him to visit today.

Dad was very stroppy at the thought of mum going into respite...

Oh CMOT, I am sorry, that all sounds very difficult . Sounds like it is a one step at a time thing. Hopefully your Dad will be a little less stroppy about respite when he has had time to absorb the idea. Might be a case of where it needs to come from a Doctor rather from you.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable about your Brother and going today is the least he can do.

Fecker hasn't even responded to my text.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. It is not easy for any of us. Family members not even acknowledging the burdens we have taken on is hurtful. DM was diabolically rude to me on Friday. Part dementia and part an upbringing that seemed to think it was OK what you did and said within the family as long as others did not hear. In the past DB has put such behaviour down to my mother and I "not getting along", or "you must have done something to annoy her". Of course he and SiL don't engage enough to get the same. (Though I wonder whether my mum pushed it too farf at one point, hence the lack of engagement.) Not fair. I'm not sure I will ever be able to laugh off my mother's insults and put downs.

There again Sugar's mother seems happy to emigrate, almost certainly never seeing Sugar and her children again.

Families are weird. I really hope its different for the generation we are raising.

I would stress to your dad that respite is only whilst he is not well enough. The aim is to get him better. You can see more of your mum is she is nearby, so she wont feel so alone. Hopefully then if he needs medical or nursing care there is some way of having him close as well.

I hope he continues to improve and it is not as grim as the Doctors fear.

YANBU! Of course he should have gone round. How can I ask this delicately- is he under his wife's thumb? Maybe he's made the calculation that his life is better if he keeps her happy?
NMS families really are weird. I am sure that my father and his siblings were not adequately parented, basically their mother could not be bothered and devolved it all to her own mother, who died in her sixties and then the youngest kids were left adrift. There's been alcoholism, high levels of neuroticness, fixations about illegitimacy, broken marriages and massive family bust ups along the line ever since. I tentatively believe that things might be getting better in that parents take the role more seriously now and are in many cases more aware of the responsibility of parenting and the effect that their actions can have on children. Disclaimer: in parenting, pride comes before a fall and i am in no way a perfect or even particularly good parent!But I am very much aware of the responsibilities, and given the way my grandparents/ great grand parents behaved i'm not sure I'd say the same of them.

Why does that not surprise me CMOT Brother's don't generally come out very well on these threads do they.

NMS had made a good point about your Dad potentially being closer to you as well as your Mum. It sounds as if there will be some difficult decisions this week potentially, will be thinking of you.

NMS I am sorry she was so rude to you . Mine has no problem doing the same to me if she feels like it. I am in her good books at the moment as I have got her a physio who she adores - hard not to, physio is a friend, very lovely and I knew would be quite capable of dealing with her.

She is quite convinced that if she does go she will still see us as we will come over. I have told her that wouldn't be the case but she shushes me and won't listen. That isn't really the Dementia but her strong belief that I will do exactly as she tells me and why wouldn't I want to go there, totally ignoring the fact that I loathe the heat and Iceland features heavily on my places I would like to visit list.

Bob I agree that our generation do view things differently. I think we carry thr burden of realisation of how poor parenting can affect someone right through their lives. I feel very much my Mother has never owned her mistakes and just rewrites history - a trait my sibling shares with her. My Dad is more pragmatic and will put his hands up. The estrangement between him and my Brother continues though, which is currently down to my Dad. Goodness knows what will happen between them.

Hello all. Cmot- that is awful of your brother. My eldest. Hasn't been near for over a year- and 5 years before that. Phones mum once in a blue moon. Still apple of her eye. I haven't seen him for 10 when he couldn't make mums 8oth as his son had football practice..... ( long back story here) two other brothers who do have their challenges but cannot be relied upon to phone let alone visit.
Sending thoughts and to all with your juggling- hope Germany goes well cmot.

Good news! Well sort of. Dad has been discharged and dh managed to speak to the consultant to find out what is going on. Dad had severe pneumonia and the pain was that and the fluid he is retaining as his kidney function is apparently not good. They think he has angina but not enough of the tracer got there in the scan to show.
So, more antibiotics at home and a rework of his drugs generally.

Good news in that it isn't anything like heart failure but def shows his body is packing up

Good news that he has been discharged and going home and that not hear failure. I bet he is pleased to be back and a relief for you.

Fingers crossed move to new Home for my Mother will be 2 weeks today. They are waiting on CQC approval

How are you CMOT ?

Could I have a bit of a vent ? My Brother was trying to speak to GP yesterday as was concerned that she waswasn't on any antibiotics and GP had said he would review her on Friday for fit to fly. He has waited round for phone calls that hadn't come snd it was evening. Understandably a bit tired and pissed off.

I offered that GP could ring me but asked him to email to authorise GP to speak to me in his absence as he is POA. Well he did do that but also basically questioned the GP ' S medical competence. So I am driving back with DS in car, had to pull over and had a fairly irate GP to deal with. Great. On the us side my DS coukd pretty much hear cross GP and I think resolved at that moment never to be an utter twat in the future as he now perceives hos Uncle to be so some good came out of it.

Just found this thread and in need of a vent.

My sibling who lives the other side of the world has just again been on the phone asking for a large amout of money from Mum.
Mums has been living with us now for a year, and gets quite panicked at being asked for money. Now wants me to answer the phone and tell sis that she is asleep or out.
I know sis will think I am trying to manipulate Mum. Makes me look like the bad guy.

Bigblue. Sorry you have cause to join me in National Vent About A Sibling Day.

Can see you can't win with that situation. Could you say to your Mum that she will need to speak to your sibling but that you will be there and support her?

My Brother is getting a private GP now for a bit as realised he burnt his bridges with current surgery. I was also totally honest and said I don't back the Thailand idea but that he is Attorney so at end of day it doesn't matter what I think . Rather amazing got we Are still speaking.

Hugs all round on sibling issues (mine never texted back and didn't visit mum).

I'm still in Germany, though managed to get an Ocado delivery of food for dad done, so they have plenty of food in. Dad still very weak and breathless though - we had an arguement that no, he couldn't go out shopping on the scooter

Thanks sugarplum- my Mum really wants to avoid a fallout- but things are complex financially.

Hello I'm not sure if you're welcoming new comers at this stage? My mum has recently passed away at a relatively young age leaving my father heartbroken. He suffers from a degenerative disorder. We have no family nearby and I'm feeling very daunted by the responsibility. I'm partially disabled with a young child and another arriving.

Really feel for everyone on this thread - I'm lucky in that although my DM (88) lives with us, and has loads of health problems, she's still generally fit enough to look after herself and go out occasionally.

Some of these stories make me count my blessings, especially as it's easy to get irritated with healthcare/brother etc. from time to time!

Didn't realise that your brother was intending to take your Mum to Thailand Sugar - I sort of assumed it was more 'local'.

Everyone has their problems, don't they?

Saturnvista, everyone very very welcome - though sorry you have reason to be here.so sorry about your Mum it must be a very difficult time for you. Do you know what the support services are like nearby ?

Bigblue, that does sound like a difficult situation. Difficult for both you and your Mum.

CMOT you are definitely a paid up member of the SSC (Shit Sibling Club). Why does no text not surprise me ? Your Dad is pretty strong willed with a lot of get up and go isn't he ?! Ard you in a nice bit of Germany ? It is high on my holiday list for this year, I feel the need for something to look forward to.

AJ, sounds like your Mum is doing well for her age which is great. Don't think you would be human if you didn't get irritated sometimes. This thread is great for letting it out.

More 'local' would have been handy instead of a different continent that she has never visited ...

Hah! The SSC is a great name!

SugarPlum, I've been (just sitting at the airport now) in a small, industrial town near Dusseldorf. Not really touristy apart from Neanderthaal.

Saturn, I'm so sorry you find yourself with us. You are very welcome here though. I'd really encourage you to get your dad engaged with as many support services as possible, and to use them. When is your new baby due?