Responsibility for Elderly Parents? Support thread right here!

[Needmoresleep]

Several of us are on the same journey. Some more difficult than others, some longer than others, but none easy. Feel free to share tears, rants or laughter with others who will understand.

This must all come as a shock tender. Things seem to be moving quite fast. Certainly COPD in elderly people can make them very weak and frail. Just trying to find a silver lining, but maybe this is all adding up to your mother being absolutely unable to return to her dangerous home, and being transfered to residential care from the hospital.
You are very good to be this involved considering the childhood you had. I agree with everyone, pace yourself and only do what you can manage.

CMOT sorry about your poor Dad. It's so hard living with your parents' inevitable decline. I am never relaxed when the phone goes, even though crises are much rarer now the carers are involved. But inevitably one day there will be bad news, either an incident precipitating him no longer being able to stay at home, or him dying. I was just reflecting today it must be 5 years since i started taking on Dad's life, and it's so tiring sometimes.

Oh no CMOT – when I read your post a couple of days I was also going through an ‘oh pants’ moment, so I sympathise wholeheartedly. I find it’s like a pernicious, underlying guilt that you can’t be there to fix / deal with each thing that comes up, which just drains me.

Hi tender - so sorry to hear about the COPD. Others have given lots of good ideas, I’ll just add – pace yourself. Try not to commit to or promise more than you can cope with. If you set the standard too high, others may expect you to continue at that level, they may think all is fine with you, & take a back seat, when actually you’re desperate for a break. It’s how I feel, and it’s a constant struggle.

Hi Tenderbuttons and sorry to see you here under these circumstances. I agree with the others, be very clear about what you can do and don't feel obliged to do more. It is tough emotionally and you need to keep yourself protected.

My Mother has rallied rather amazingly this week and I thought we were finishing the week on a good note. Then the phone rang last night and it was NH. She is bleeding vaginally. Went over to see her and she was quite distressed and saying they had manhandled her so badly they had made her bleed. GP is going out Monday but told NH if it gets worse over weekend to call ambulance snd take her in for investigation

Oh dear sugar plum that sounds worrying. I know you have been trying to be positive but still it seems there is so much to manage. Glad the GP is going out, it certainly needs to be investigated. I hope you manage to have some downtime this weekend.

Thanks Bob. It am worried if I'm honest. She isn't bleeding this morning but I will be glad when it has been investigated so we know if we are dealing with anything serious or not. I think she is going to find investigations a bit difficult to cope with and feel the next couple of weeks could be a bit rocky.

The good news is that DH is enjoying his new job so that is something.

Yes there needs to be something to balance out all the stress and hard work involved with dependent parents! Personally i'm struggling a bit at the mo, lots of stress at work. I think it will be better come March and I can go back to the allotment and away from it all. February can be quite claustrophobic.

Sorry you are having a hard time. Agree about March being easier. I know it is really early yet but can you start something like chilli and aubergines that need a long growing season on your kitchen windowsill? I started some snapdragon the other day and there is something very therapeutic about having tiny green shoots peeking out at me every time I go to the kitchen sink. Or buy a nice notebook and a gardening magazine, curl up and plan your growing season - maybe something a little different , a wildflower patch or cutting garden or some new heritage veg varieties . Please do join us on the gardening chat thread in the gardening section if you fancy it. They are a lovely bunch and I find it helps distract from the bleakness of January and February.

Thanks Sugar that's a lovely idea. I'm OK really, it's just the long termness of it that can be difficult but I'm coping.
I'll come over to the gardening thread. xxx

Bob, now things a more stable and the burden has lifted a little, do you think you might be grieving for the person your father used to be.

If so it would seem natural. The reality of berevement often seem to hit about six months after a loss.

My mothers physical health is so good that I feel I have had a chance to get beyond this and build up some new and good memories, through short social (as opposed to chore-laden) visits. So the odd lucid conversation which gives valuable family insights, her toddler-like enjoyment of sitting watching punch and judy in the sunshine, her interactions with her grandchildren (who she strangely sort of knows but does not know, but whose company she enjoys), her general (groundhog) day-to-day wellbeing.

Can you plan a weekend away at a point when the weather gets better. Predominently family time, eg trip to a castle, nice meal etc, but time for a specific outing for your dad, say to some daytime cathedral music. Then be firm with him. You were just passing and lucky to have had enough time for this one outing. We will probably spend the summer near my mums again. It has been great to rediscover a town in a positive way and twice weekly short outings are more than enough for her. She is deteriorating slowly so this may be the last summer it is possible, a chance to store some good memories before she starts her final and slow decline.

That said after what you have been through, you may want to spend family leisure time well away.

Hello everyone,

Thank you for the thoughts, but my mother suddenly got a lot weaker after I went to see her on Wednesday and suddenly died early on Saturday morning. In a funny way, it's a blessing, she would have hated not being independent and always said she wanted to go suddenly. Although of course I am now feeling very guilty for running around and doing practical things instead of having some proper conversations with her last week.

I will be thinking of all of you as you go on your much longer journeys though.

Thinking of you buttons. COPD can make people deteriorate very quickly. Do not feel guilty, you were there in her last days despite everything that happened in your childhood. I hope you have people around you to give you support.

Tender, you had no choice. Your mother died knowing she was not alone and that you were there to support her. From what you have said she has gone the way she would have wanted. Living independently then a very short stay in hospital. Given her issues, any form of shelted or care accomodation would have been difficult.

Guilt and regret are probably inevitable whatever we do. However I think you should be proud of both your ability to come to terms with your childhood and your willingness to support your mother.

I hope the next couple of weeks are not too difficult, and that the house clearing etc goes well.

Tender, I can't add anything the wise words above other than add my condolences and I will be thinking of you over the coming weeks.

Tender I am so sorry- but as other have said it was probably as she would have wished. You have done a really good job for her- be gentle with yourself. Sending

Oh goodness I'm so sorry tender sending you & strength for the conning weeks. Please don't beat yourself up for rushing around doing practical things, you couldn't possibly have known how quickly she would deteriorate.

Tender, you are very much in my thoughts. I hope you are a ok as you can be in the circumstances

GP went to see Mum about her bleeding episode this morning and NH said Mum refused tests and cream. Duly rang her and she said she did no such thing. She agreed I could email them to say she has changed her mind and will have a scan . Let's see if she changes her mind again.

How are you holding up Tender? Hope all is as well as it can be in the circs.

Has your mum changed her mind SugarPlum?

I'm working away this week, in the US, in a town I first started coming to 15 years ago. Mum and my grandmother loved me coming here as it has amazing second hand book shops and I'd bring home loads of crime novels for them. Strangely, nana remembered 'the book place' even when she was near to the end of her dementia journey.
It made me think this morning (I can walk to the office from the hotel through the street with the bookshops) that in that time I'd lost nana in her mind and body, and mum in her mind - she hasn't even picked up a book for a year now. For her 74th birthday this week I bought her a toddler 'press the button' music book

That's sad CMOT . Your Mum is a fairly similar age to mine, mine is just a couple of years older. Don't think she can read much anymore but not sure. She has the paper delivered and I noticed them all stacked up in the corner.

She had sort of changed her mind yesterday , said she will have the tests but not whilst she is where she is. Brother of mind that it was just a little bit and he is hoping she gets certified fit to fly shortly so said he might get investigations done over there. To be honest the whole flying/ moving abroad makes my eyes boggle a bit so I am just pottering on. GP reviewing her tomorrow. My Brother feels hopeful she is a couple of weeks away from being certified fit to fly. Can't see it myself but have learned to shut up over things like these.

I can't see her being fit to fly either Sugar - but I don't know what the criteria is either. Would your brother be flying with her, or would he be paying for a medical attendant?

I'm still in the US. My dad is in hospital again and 'has a lump near his kidney'. DH found this out when SS called to ask what we were doing about mum/dad . Hospital won't tell us what is going on, dad (dh spoke to him) is not with it at all. So, I'll get off the flight tomorrow and go sort them out on the way back from the airport.

Oh CMOT, I am sorry That sounds very stressful for all of you. Is your DH in a position to go in and get your Dad if he will agree to say he authorises the Medics to speak to DH, so you at least know what the situation is ? I can't remember what situation about POAs is ?

He had arranged for him and friend to fly with her. Quote for 2 nurses plus ambulance each end is 28k which he was considering the other week.

Dh can't go in as he has to collect ds. Dad is on an acute medical ward who are rubbish at understanding that people can't be there. Hopefully they will transfer him to geratology who are v holistic in their care, and get the problems.
I have POA, but the hospital don't pay any attention to that on the phone.

The crisis carers, and mums usual one (normally comes in two days a week) are sorting actual care, and the carer took in pjs etc to dad. I'm just 5000 miles away and have to go away again next week for what promises to be a very stressful meeting.

Course, I could phone my brother and tell him to deal with it all

Oh CMOT, I am sorry it does feel like it just keeps coming. Sounds like the best hope is he is transfered to Geratology. Very glad the Carers have been some help.

I think with POA (assuming it is the Health and Welfare one) I would be tempted to get on the phone to PALs and complain that the ward are being obstructive, not recognising the POA and you are advised by DH that your Dad isn't with it so therefore likely not to have capacity at current moment and therefore a vulnerable adult therefore their refusal to give info to his appointed Attorney is actually a safeguarding issue. It's just one more thing though and would understand if you resigned yourself to sorting it when back.

DH has managed to get some information from them at last. It doesn't sound very good tbh - dad has a severe chest infection, his heart isn't good, he wasn't urinating and they are 'looking into things'.

Am a bit worried tbh. Might start googling respite places for mum.

CMOT I am very sorry to hear that and fully understand why you are worried. I think having a respite place in mind is very sensible and if if isn't needed then great but you have back up in should it be needed.

I know you said you need to go back out to States soon and have a difficult meeting, is that something that could potentially be cancelled or someone else do it if needs be ?

Hopefully he will rally very soon . for you. I know how very worrying it is, I really thought we might be at the end with Mum the other week. I had a call earlier as she had a fall. She is sore but ok. The worry never goes really does it