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Elderly parents
Original poster

My dear dear dad is dying.

47 replies

kissmyheathenass · 26/03/2012 21:59

My lovely dad is dying. the nurse asked me if i want a phone call in the night or would i prefer them to wait till morning? How do people cope with the loss? My heart is breaking. I was told to leave him to sleep this evening so i came home. I didnt want to leave him.

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Original poster
kissmyheathenass · 27/03/2012 17:06

Such kind words. Thank you all.

Ive been at the hospital all afternoon. My dad much worse than yesterday. The doctor (who was lovely btw, very kind) estimates my dad has a couple of days but of course it is sheer guesswork. I understand that.

There is nothing left to do for my dad now except to keep him comfortable. I dont know how aware he is of whats happening. On sunday he opened his eyes, cried and told us all he loved us. I think he knew he was going to die. He hasnt spoken or opened his eyes since.

Sometimes panic overwhelms me because I cant let him go.

We sat outside in the sun and talked about the funeral. It was quite surreal.

Thank you all again.

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OrmIrian · 27/03/2012 17:10

Oh kiss Sad So so sorry.

Thinking of you x

Bucharest · 27/03/2012 17:14

So sorry.

It seems trite but I always try and think "don't cry because it's over, smile because you were there"

It will be so hard, but you will have the memories forever. x

Original poster
kissmyheathenass · 27/03/2012 17:22

I am trying to recall happy memories but they just make me cry. My dad and I were very close. I dont want him to go. I want him back even for one more day.

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cocolepew · 27/03/2012 17:25

So sorry, how heartbreaking for you x

maybeyoushoulddrive · 27/03/2012 17:30

I know it all feels very unreal just now. I remember feeling like I was watching someone else going through it. I don't have any words of comfort - I'm very raw from losing Mum - but you have shared love which no-one can take away from you. xxx

shinecrazydiamond · 27/03/2012 17:33

Oh I am sorry. My dad is terminally ill and I am dreading this scenario.

I wish you strength and peace for the coming days

CrestfallenPenguin · 27/03/2012 17:35

Kiss, I so identify with and understand your comment that you can't stay indefinitely and don't want your dad to die alone, and that you're scared of the moment of death. I had all these thoughts and feelings recently, in February, with my mum.

You'll be OK, whichever way it happens. If you're there at the moment of death, it'll be fine. It's awful and survivable, both. x

AnonymousBird · 27/03/2012 17:41

So so sorry. Sad

WandaDoff · 27/03/2012 17:48

My Dad Died quite suddenly in 2010, he found out he had cancer 10 days before he died & it was awful.

Surreal was the word I kept using. I'm so sorry this is happening.

I was there when he died, it was horrible. I'm very glad I was there though.

Just do whatever feels right, thats the best way. x

neversaydie · 27/03/2012 17:49

We watched over my Dad 24/7 for 10 days as he died in hospital. (This was 10 days after they called us because they thought he hadn't much time left!)

He was unconscious the whole time, and it was an exhausting and very tense time. I honestly thought at one point that he was just waiting for us to go, and leave him to die in peace. I wouldn't have blamed him.

He died, quite peacefully, when my Mum was with him, and she was content that she had done every single thing that she could for him. I was happy that we had been able to support her in achieving that ambition.

Dad had been descending into demetia for 10 years by the time he died, and I had already done most of my grieving before he died, through the many crises and hospitalisations we had over those years.

I hope that your Dad goes peacefully, and soon. My condolences for your loss.

DressDownFriday · 27/03/2012 17:58

Please don't be scared of the moment of death. I sat by my fil bedside yesterday with Dh and mil and was with him when he passed away. He had lung cancer and we knew he had a limited lifespan but he suddenly became worse over the weekend and died much sooner than we expected.

It was very peaceful and somehow comforting to watch his breathing slow down to a standstill knowing he was free from pain surrounded by people that loved him.

I did exactly the same with my dad 6 years ago.

Take care.

axure · 27/03/2012 18:01

I wasn't able to be with my Dad when he died from cancer, but had spent a lot of time at home in the months before he died. Managed to get home 12 hours after; asked the undertaker to leave him until I could get there and sit with him for a few hours. It was a lovely experience, there is nothing to be frightened about. I still feel sad that I wasn't there when he died, luckily Mum had a Marie Curie nurse who was fantastic. I miss my Dad every day, but it is getting easier as time passes, more smiles, less tears.

spendthrift · 27/03/2012 20:15

Kiss, so sorry. Thinking of you. It sounds as though the final hours should be peaceful and he will know that you are it have been there and love him.

That's all that matters, really.

When you can, remember him as he was, not as he is now. This is only a short episode of what was obviously a loving life.

NCIS · 27/03/2012 20:25

Six years ago I got that phone call to tell me my darling Dad had died. I was alone and my sisters phone was out of order so I couldn't contact her. I watched the sun rise with my dog cuddled up next to me, glad that he was at peace at last.
My thoughts are with you kiss. Take care

tartanbuggy · 01/04/2012 18:07

Kiss, thinking of you. I know how hard it must be for you; I got that call at 6.00am about a fortnight ago, on 13 March.

Dad had been in hospital for a couple of weeks following an emergency operation, but he contracted an infection and went downhill. He had developed Alzheimer's a few years before and was terribly distressed in hospital because he was away from his familiar home surroundings.

I was with him at 9.00pm and he was completely out of it on morphine. I didn't think he would have long so I just chatted to him for a while. I told him that he was the best dad ever and that I knew he was terribly tired and it was quite OK for him to have a good old long sleep and that I would come back to see him in the morning. He died 6 hours later.

I get very upset sometimes thinking about whether I should have stayed with him so that he did not die alone, but I don't know how much he was aware of and whether he even realised I was there or not. The hospital staff were lovely and very caring, so I know that he died in peaceful surroundings which I do find comforting. I also know that he is not scared and distressed any more and I'm glad of that. I have been struggling a bit with guilt, but I try to remember that he knew we loved him and how pleased he was to see us when we visited him before he became unconscious.

It's terribly hard to lose a much loved parent and I'm thinking about you. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
kissmyheathenass · 03/04/2012 21:06

My darling Dad died on Saturday morning. We were with him all night long holding his hands and stroking his hair. I am sure he knew we were there till the end. It was peaceful and I wasnt scared.

I am still in shock I think. I dont really believe he has gone. I dont want to start crying because I dont think I will stop. I miss him so much.

Thank you for all your lovely messages.

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Hobs · 03/04/2012 21:29

So, so sorry for your loss kiss x

5inthebed · 03/04/2012 21:31

So very sorry about your dad.

Please be kind to yourself xx

MeTheMog · 03/04/2012 21:38

I'm so sorry for your loss but so pleased you were there. I am still sad, 8 years later, that I was too late to be there when my mother died. Be very kind to yourself and accept all the emotions that will follow in the next few days/weeks/months. xx

TheFarSide · 04/04/2012 20:31

kiss - I'm sorry to hear your news, but glad for you and your dad that you felt able to be with him at the end.

My mum died in October last year and I still think about her every day, and sometimes just find myself crying out of the blue, but the shock and pain have diminished.

Take it easy.

Original poster
kissmyheathenass · 04/04/2012 20:36

This evening I am looking for a poem to read at my dads funeral. It has led to a damn good cry and I feel a bit better for it. Tomorrow we see the funeral director to arrange the funeral.

I have 2 friends who have also lost parents within the last 3 weeks. I thought my dad would live forever.

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