I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

[Kbear]

I can't even begin to explain but I am going to blow a gasket. I care for my elderly in laws. It's a minefield, and a nightmare, and stressful and how does life come to this.

I just got off the phone to MIL, she is rambling, she doesn't listen, I try to help, she talks over me, she's had a lovely afternoon while I was panicking at work because I phoned and she was calling out for FIL and saying oh god oh god, what shall I do? then the phone went dead. So I rang BIL, my DH was at work, I was at work, all miles away. SIL drove over there and there they were all happy as larry drinking tea and the phone's on the side off the hook. Tonight she doesn't even remember SIL going over there.

She forgot to give FIL his meds for four months. I just found out last week. Arranged all their meds again, she can't remember to give them. They're in a box marked for the days of the week, she gives Monday morning and Thursday morning instead of Monday morning and Monday evening.

Today they thought they'd go to the pub for lunch - FIL doesn't know his own name or where he lives, he can hardly walk but off they trundle down the garden to waiting cab, he falls over, almost takes her with him.

How in hell can I look after them? I have two jobs, two kids, one DH!

There's so much more, I am too exhausted to explain, DH is on nights so I;m not calling him to talk and stress him out even more.

I want to cry. No response necessary. Just getting it out there.

That's great advice from 40notTrendy. Will keep our fingers crossed for you, KBear - this is a very good start at least.

Just been round to see them and took fish and chips in. They devoured the lot and are (so far) both drinking gallons. Both in better shape than they were of course but both very frail. Carer coming tomorrow.

MIL did say thank god they haven't got any scissors..... why's that then I asked, so he can't get up in the night and fall down them....

I think hope that is just tiredness talking!

That's good they have an appetite. Worrying about the word mix up but we can all do that I suppose?

Let's hope they get on ok with the carer?

Well I told my DS to get his sandwiches on so we can leave for school.... so maybe we're all losing it!

My g'dad muddles his words a lot. Or forgets the right word. He also got very bonkers with previous infections. May be a common thing?

Glad they are home

I am glad they are home too.

I have just read your thread and am in awe of you Kbear. I am a more resentful daughter in law and feel humbled by your attitude.
My Ps-in-law were at home together, not really coping as MiL has Alzheimers, but refusing any gentle suggestions from us. FiL then had a catastrophic stroke and it emerged that MiL had hiddden away his medication. He sadly died a few weeks later. MIL is insisting on living at home. She has a package of 20 hours a week but basically expects that my DH will be at her beck and call. He somehow fits in several hours a day all of which is taken away from his kids, work and me. What is hard is that she is so angry and argumentative. Her daughters keep saying that it is all working well- my feeling is that it is working at the expense of my marriage and mental health. She is very difficult to be with as the illness has emphasised all the parts of her personality that were always challenging.
Anyway- sorry to hijack about myself. Just want to say that I admire the way you are taking this on out of love for your DH and inlaws. I hope all works out with them at home and you can get some rest yourself.

Day one in the Big Brother House for the Elderly - DH sat with his dad and I took MIL to the supermarket. Took us 2.5 hours but we got round, spent up on nice things to eat for them, easy to cook for her.

In the car on the way home she said she was starving. Got back home and I started getting out the sandwiches she had bought her and FIL for lunch. She thought they were mine, I said you chose them, then she said I'm not hungry. So I said "well in the car you were starving". FIL woofed down two sandwiches and a cuppa and so did she. I think what was happening is that she forgot to feed him. thought she'd made lunch but she hadn't etc.

Worry is the word of the week BUT carer comes tonight for the first time and I am ever hopeful that this will work.

Social worker called me today just to check on things too so I am reassured we are in the system properly now.

I don't expect anyone to continue reading my ramblings but I am just writing this down in case anyone is insomniac and wants to get to sleep at night!

and saffron - I will no doubt have times when I feel resentful but I do just think that we owe it them to make sure they are ok. My MIL has said some wicked things in the past (which is prob why I'm in this on my own with DH and SILs are no where around - they don't forgive so easily). She is hard going, argumentative etc. But they are my husband's parents, and my children's grandparents and they deserve for us to care.

I know not everyone can feel that way and I will be on here screaming at some point I imagine. I certainly couldn't do this everyday full time that's for sure.

I'm reading

Will the carer be feeding them too? Have you spoken to him/her to make sure they know what's what?

I find this thread really inspiring ,I think you're great to care for them .

I try and care for my mother ( not an easy one ) and respect her wishes about staying in her own home .
And the police were apparently lovely this morning when they saw her front door wide open onto the pavement ( an inner London area you will have seen on TV during last summers unrest ) and found her blissfully unaware and undressed .

Your mil really doesn't sound quite well .... hope there is some medical follow up .
Good luck with the carers .
Keep posting .

Meals on wheels, then you know a meal has arrived most days?

Could you discover what foods they eat regularly and set up a basics shop to arrive once a week from Ocado or similar?

I have been doing a weekly Tesco delivery for my mum for the past eight years. She used to ring me up with a shopping list and I ordered it online for her. It has worked really well, I use her card details. Unfortunately, now she is unable to accurately check what she needs and has forgotten that an order is due some minutes after she has ordered it, so things will have to change.

Meals on wheels sound good. My mum's carers will make her a sandwich, toast, put a microwave meal on etc, but can't make her eat it. Wiltshire farm foods do a range of ready meals for the elderly or poorly, including diabetic meals and puddings, also mini meals which are 1/2 size, great for small appetites. They deliver but won't give a 2 hour time slot, just a day. I'm not sure if they are countrywide, I'll google them.

www.wiltshirefarmfoods.com/?gclid=CIWSisu-_a4CFQITfAodsx7G2A

Delivery is free, they do gluten free, or low fat, or diabetic etc.

(Disclaimer, I have no connection to them, just thought the info might be useful )

Even in areas where there is no official Meals on Wheels service, there are often private companies that operate a similar service. We set up an order for MIL which provided her with a hot lunch daily (with choice made from a weekly menu). Only problem was that she was on the end of the delivery round so she was worried and hungry by the time they got to her.

The firm we have used is Apetito which operates in quite a number of areas.

KBear, as have been through variations of this all our married life, hold on, you're doing really well.

On meals on wheels, if you can find someone who does the old-fashioned thing of taking them a hot meal that's important. Some provide ready meals for the freezer and expect the elderly person to get it out and microwave it. Hopeless.

There are also private firms who will cone in to supplement whatever the health visitor is doing.

Good luck. And the final piece if advice is to look after yourself, take some you time. It won't help if you crumble.

When we went on holiday we set up an arrangement with the local chinese takeaway.

They delivered a freshly cooked hot meal every lunchtime, at a reasonable cost.

hi Kbear... Hope you don't mind, but I just wanted to add myself to your thread as well.
You have stayed so strong and supportive that quite frankly, you're an inspiration and I've learnt so much from your situation already
My Pils are in their late 80's and are on a fast downward spiral atm. It seems like the care is being left to me, despite being a working mother with youngish dc, yet Bil and Sil who are both retired, don't want to get involved. Unfortunately, I'm much more resentful than you, and am stressed already.
Anyhoo, I'm really glad the right care seems to be in place for your pils and I hope their health, both mental and physical, continues to improve.

also, another one recommending wiltshirefarmfoods. Pils have these, and seem to enjoy them. They easy to cook from frozen and are a bland, easy to digest small portion.

Spendthrift, my mum would never get around to getting a meal prepared herself, but her care package carers will, so, for her, meals on wheels isn't necessary, but frozen diabetic ready meals are ideal.

wow loving the idea of local Chinese take away delivering .... have found Apetito a little lacking . Jamie Oliver where are you ?
Are Wiltshire different from Apetito ?

Wiltshire deliver frozen meals, not hot ones, so maybe only one delivery a week or fortnight, so probably cheaper. You'd have to be sure they could heat them up safely, though.

Hi glass they are home safely and no scissors to negotiate!!
Man had Wiltshire Foods meals and liked them. Her carers warmed them up for her.
Don't forget what I said about making sure you have a back up plan if you are poorly or need a break.
I gave a friend a couple of quid, to cover expenses, to pop in to check she was ok and just have a chat, make sure she had everything she needed if we went away.
My daughter also visited when she could with the little ones which she loved and they loved her, still talk about her.
When she was capable of getting out, she had CPOD, Mam went to a day centre.
Would this be an option for both or either of your PIL?
To the poster who said they were resentful, I hated myself, I was so tied, caring had a massive impact on my life. Taking up gardening saved my soul and finding my spiritual path helped me forgive myself and understand the feelings I experienced.
I miss her, but not the person she was at the end, I was crying for her last week when I had the flu.