I despair, I wish I could just not care, but dear god give me strength

[Kbear]

I can't even begin to explain but I am going to blow a gasket. I care for my elderly in laws. It's a minefield, and a nightmare, and stressful and how does life come to this.

I just got off the phone to MIL, she is rambling, she doesn't listen, I try to help, she talks over me, she's had a lovely afternoon while I was panicking at work because I phoned and she was calling out for FIL and saying oh god oh god, what shall I do? then the phone went dead. So I rang BIL, my DH was at work, I was at work, all miles away. SIL drove over there and there they were all happy as larry drinking tea and the phone's on the side off the hook. Tonight she doesn't even remember SIL going over there.

She forgot to give FIL his meds for four months. I just found out last week. Arranged all their meds again, she can't remember to give them. They're in a box marked for the days of the week, she gives Monday morning and Thursday morning instead of Monday morning and Monday evening.

Today they thought they'd go to the pub for lunch - FIL doesn't know his own name or where he lives, he can hardly walk but off they trundle down the garden to waiting cab, he falls over, almost takes her with him.

How in hell can I look after them? I have two jobs, two kids, one DH!

There's so much more, I am too exhausted to explain, DH is on nights so I;m not calling him to talk and stress him out even more.

I want to cry. No response necessary. Just getting it out there.

Damn you iPhone!!
Glad not glass
Tired not Tied

Nice you are all still reading my ramblings - thanks for your advice and tips.

DD has gone to see JLS tonight, DS went to scouts so I joined DH and some friends in the pub for a couple of hours and actually really relaxed for the first time in a long time - probably because I forgot about them for a while and was absorbed by DD texting saying Marvin had just sung RIGHT AT HER. OMG screeeeeeeeeeeeeeam lol

That's great. I raise a glass of later to you. Get a decent night's sleep.

Lager, not later!

hope it goes ok, Kbear, one word of advice, keep a close eye on it, I know you will anyway

Nice to hear you had a relaxing few hours

How has the weekend been? Has the care worked out ?

hello again friends!

Well, it's been up and down. The carer came at 7.30 this morning and FIL had had a bad night (wet the bed a few times according to MIL, even though he wears the incontinence pants) so was asleep and obviously they didn't wake him.

MIL seemed confused when I first arrived, took about ten minutes for her to start making sense and the pills were wrong again. She keeps using the wrong day so I don't know where they are with them.

They are eating and drinking (I check what's missing from the fridge and what wrappers are in the bin).

FIL seems much more with it (amazing what food and drink regularly will do). I am feeling incredibly stressed about next few days because I'll be working and so will DH and we won't be able to call in during the day. Hopefully one of the BILs will call in on them.

I gave up one of my jobs that I do on a Monday (I make cakes with a friend for her business) and she has called me in desperation to help her tomorrow so I have agreed. I will call round to the ILs after school time to see if all is well.

MIL keeps saying she thinks FIL has cracked ribs because it hurts when he turns over in bed and she wants to call the doctor. He had a CT scan in hospital and there was no mention of anything broken so we have lied and said that we called the hospital to check and they said he is very bruised and will take some weeks for that to stop hurting (he fell over four or five times in a couple of days). His back is black and blue. That seemed to placate her - she was going on and on about it every time I rang them and I thought if she carries on the doctor will come and take him or her or both back to hospital.

MIL upset DH yesterday. She lent his brother some money to buy a car and then said something about DH being after her money because he's always checking her bank cards work (which he has to all the time because they keep forgetting their pin or losing their card or giving their bank details to random strangers who knock on the door). Talk about hurt your feelings. DH was really upset and said so to her and said never to mention their money to us again.

She mentioned it to me today so obviously remembered and I said yes you upset DH with your talk about us being after your money and she said she was joking and I said fair enough but don't ever mention money to us again. We don't need or want your money. She apologised.

I went out for an hour with my mum yesterday while DS was at a party and we sat and had a coffee. I feel I have no conversation except this. I keep welling up with tears when I think about them, poor old souls, sitting there like that in their flat. Then I think at least they are home, not in hospital and we'll just manage, it will be fine.

DH headached up all weekend - he gets them when he's stressed.

Went for a bike ride today with DS then me and DH played footie in the garden with DS and had a laugh. It's not all bad. I thank god for being able to ramble on here. It's like writing a diary and helps so much.

You are doing a grand job Kbear you really are.

You are doing a fine job
I know what you mean about not having any other topic of conversation, but those that know and love you will understand you need to do it, it helps.
Take each day as it comes, don't over think it.

You are doing really well, kbear. I'm sorry you aren't getting more help from the other siblings. Don't forget to look after yourself, as well.

Oh KBear your poor DH and you .

I find it's when I can't actually do anything ( or what I've done has been sabotaged ) to solve the numerous daily challenges of being old/frail and living at home that I feel worst .

I have that problem regarding tablets with my mum .I'd like to put out the days ration in individual pots ( shot glasses ,ramekins ) clearly labelled .
But this would confuse ( and outrage ) my mum who has her own system .
.

Would your pil accept any rearrangement of their pill taking regime like that ?
Is there any mileage in explaining that one of the carers duties is to prompt regarding medication and that sorting the tablets out would be for the carers benefit ...so that she can confidently record that the tablets have been taken ,or some such .

I wonder why fil is in pain ,tho I don't think they can't do anything for broken ribs ( apart from pain relief ) anyway .

Does FIL get pads prescribed by District Nursing Team ? ,could he have ( or buy ) the disposable ( or even the washable ones that are more solid and stay in place better ) bed pads that go under him to save on bed changing ?

Suspect I'm telling you stuff you're already on top of ....it's nibbling away at the problems that keeps me going !

Good luck with the baking ,will be nice to be somewhere else .

K bear, you truly are an inspiration. I love reading your posts. I hope your in laws are ok, they have you looking out for them so I'm sure they will have the best care in the world.

Kbear you are an outstanding daughter in law. Keep trying to wall off little bits of your day just for you.

District nurses going to call me to arrange an assessment for him to get the pants free.

This morning I called in with milk for them and MIL said FIL has said he doesn't want any carers coming any more, he doesn't need them. So I said they are there to enable you to look after him at home - I didn't suggest it, the doctors did etc etc and by the end of the convo she was ok about. They've only been coming since Friday night.

Apparently no one came last night so I phoned the carers and yes, someone came at 6.30. No contact book at the moment so I can't see who came and at what time.

I can't care for them if they cancel the carers, knowing they are coming twice a day enables me to relax knowing if there is a problem they will call me. If they've had a bad night, MIL has someone to tell IYSWIM.

We'll see what happens. I had a lovely day making cakes and now I have loads of cakes to eat LOL.

Well done on getting MIL to accept the care. Sometimes tough love us needed, "I can't help you if you don't let others do their bit & you don't ask too much of me and DH" hopefully it won't come to that

Agree you need some 'me' time each day and once things settle a day off from seeing them each week. Sounds as if this is going to be a long haul.

Carers just called me to confirm that a carer did in fact go there last night which is good but MIL's memory, not so good.

Ah well, I'm at work tomorrow (my proper job, in London, not my fun cake job!) and I help at a brownie pack on Tuesday night so I won't be able to call in. DH on nights so he'll take over until Friday.

Played footie over the park with DS this afternoon in the sunshine - roll on summer!

speak to the carers boss and ask what happens when/if your MIL refuses them entry and says "we don't need care"

IME even if sometimes they do have dementia the care is patient led, meaning if your in laws refuse care they can't be forced

I hate to be the voice of doom, but I don't feel this set up will work, I think you'll be at your wits end again soon

These care packages seem good on paper, then in reality a million things can and do happen and its left for you to find out/sort out

I find this has happened to my mum time and time again

I hope I'm not being too gloomy for you, I don't find dealing with my mum easy at all just now, its a relentless downward spiral sometimes, like you I have no support from siblings, mine are too far away, emotionally and physically

I hope I'm wrong I really do

You sound fantastic, but like me you are wrung out with it all

I'm sorry Kbear, ignore me if I'm talking crap

IME care is patchy ,carers are v.poorly paid and some are good ,some aren't .
You might be lucky .

It's not unheard of for carers to miss a visit and then write the book up ,signing as if they'd been there ,the next visit .

But I think this is more likely when it's an established package ,with one confused person and they know they can get away with it .

Sorry your down SSD ,maybe today will be better ?

thanks gingeroots

I was worried today my post would have upset Kbear, I hope not

I have found my mums care package good in patches, but not really enough if you know what I mean

its just about adequate, but the older and needier they get it doesn't match up to your expectations

the carers have limited time and with an old woman like my mum who never asks for anything and tells whoever "I'm fine", too often they are left a bit to fend for themselves

eg. she has personnel care, then they dress her in yesterdays clothes with stains down the front/the cleaner hoovers round things and dusts loosely, my mum never complains but her place is grubby, tiny flat, cleaner comes twice a week, should be immaculate/she has a shopper but mum writes the list, she doesn't go into kitchen so shopping list is always "sweets/hankies/nuts", and thats all she has

I know anyone reading this would immediately shout out, why aren't you writing the list/cleaning for her/checking the carers who come in daily/ etc etc - my answer would be I work full time, have 2 very active kids who are out every night at clubs and both sat and sun at stuff, one car and a dh who works shifts, also mum is not nearby, 30 mins drive away, so very hard to deal with it all. On top of this dh and I have absolutely no help with the kids, no family support on either side, everything including mum is down to us/me.

maybe you have more of a support system in place kbear, your own mum sounds great

part of my problem is I want to have a mum who is like a mum to me and offers me a tiny bit of support, but I was a late baby and have got the old mum alone to deal with, siblings distant in all ways

sorry for the moan, its just getting me down seeing what she's like now, its awful

have PM'd you SSD - tho wonder if we shouldn't start a seperate venting thread !

My father had dementia, was almost completely immobile and incontinent. (He died in January, after having been ill for nearly 10 years). So far as he was concerned, there was absolutly no need for carers - that was Mum's job!

Fortunately Mum is still very much on the ball, and he did have carers. Four times a day by the end. But she often had to be quite firm with him and jolly him along to accept their help.

Latterly he had Sue Ryder carers, who were almost all very good indeed - cheerful, kind capable and reliable. Before that he had a pair of ex-nurses, who worked on a free-lance basis. They were rather less reliable, but I think Dad coped better with the consistency of just having two people, rather than an ever-changing rotation. We did notice a huge improvement in the provision when they moved from rural East Anglia to be closer to us, in urban Central Belt Scotland.

Dad was, briefly, staying in a nursing home near our house while they moved, and as I was the local contakct the staff used to call me. Early on, I was called by a very worried staff nurse, who told me that they were having great difficulty persuading him to have a bath. I said to her that given he was operating at much the same level as a toddler, then I thought it was fair enough to use similar tactics as you would with a toddler. So rather less asking him if he would like a bath, and rather more telling him it was bathtime now - or if they had to offer him a choice, to make the choice now or after breakfast, rather than bath or no bath!

She looked rather thoughtful, and we had no further problems - at least with bathing.

How we would have coped if they had both been in a bad way I shudder to think. I am absolutely in awe of all you are doing for your in-laws.

Everyone free to vent here - a lot of us are in it together!

ssd - you couldn't upset me :)

glad to hear that kbear!!

pm'd you gingeroots