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Elderly parents
Original poster

its so very hard to see your parents get old

111 replies

ssd · 08/09/2011 20:36

thats it really

my mum is 84, I can't believe she's that old, but when I see her I see every year in her IYKWIM

she's very frail and infirm

I can remember when she could walk aroind with me, she doesn't do that anymore, she clings onto me and walks about 3 metres with a stick

I just wish she could be a gran to my kids, she was a great gran to my older siblings kids but she's too old to do anything with mine, also she's a different woman to the one she was 10 yrs ago

Its not fair, and I absolutely dread it happening to me

OP posts:
bran · 08/09/2011 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twotesttickles · 08/09/2011 20:48

:(

That sounds really hard. :(

Without wishing to push you off Mumsnet, have you tried posting on Gransnet, there are a lot of people over there going through similar situations. :)

It's horrible to watch someone's body break down when their mind is still there. :(

But I bet it is a comfort to your mum to have you there.

Original poster
ssd · 08/09/2011 21:03

oh god you know, I keep a distance from gransnet, I thought it was full of loving grannies going on about how much they do with their grandkids and I just can't take that just now

there is a thread going just now about how mych a poster loves her mum, it just makes me want to cry. I really love my mum too but the thread speaks of posts saying how much support and help the posters have had from their mums and for me thats all gone now. My mum is still here but I'm supporting her now, emotionally I'm her mum, she looks to me for things I want to look to her for but I can't. I just want to be able to post things like that here without sounding morbid but seeing your mum so old and needy when you get no support yourself is just so bloody hard.

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FoundWanting · 08/09/2011 22:29

ssd Loads of sympathy here. Sad

DH had to put his dad into a care home today. At the moment it is for 2 weeks' respite care while Social Services assess his needs, but I can't see him coming home again really. DMIL died 3 weeks ago and she had been his carer for the last ten years. FIL is 83, he can barely walk, is almost completely deaf and blind in one eye. My children have never known him 'well' and are a little bit afraid of him because he shouts all the time.

Original poster
ssd · 08/09/2011 23:04

Sad sympathy to you too FW

hope your dh is ok, sounds like you have all gone thru a lot in a short space of time

does you FIL live alone? maybe a care home permanently would be the best thing, might give you and dh some peace of mind knowing he;s being looked after rather than being alone...

its just so hard isn't it

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theginganinja · 08/09/2011 23:18

Yes, I agree, it's not great. My Mum is only 67 BUT, she's had rhematoid arthritis for about 35 years which has taken its toll on her body. Despite having replacement elbows, replacement knees and replacement shoulders both sides, her mobility is limited, her mind is fine but, she's physically fragile. The physical decline has been rapid especially in the last 5 years.

It's playing on my mind quite a lot at the moment especially as I received an 'enduring power of attorney' from Mum and Dad's solicitor recently. If anything happens to my Dad, it'll be up to me and my brother to sort out care for her as she can't dress herself very well and she certainly wouldn't be able to make it as far as the shops to buy food.

So, yes, I understand and sympathise, I guess at some point we have to parent our parents.

SurpriseMuffins · 08/09/2011 23:30

Yes it is hard. Especially hard because there's nowt we can do about it.

I feel guilty because I'm in the midst of parenting my own family and can't be there enough for my mum. It doesn't seem fair somehow. I can also sympathize with the whole thing about other people saying how their mums are so supportive - its very confusing because I'm also kind of annoyed that she's not there for me either!

Original poster
ssd · 09/09/2011 09:40

I know what you mean muffins, I get annoyed at my mum cos she can't do anything for me, I know thats mean and selfish of me but its how I feel.

I also get annoyed when my mum is like a child, I have kids and I don't want a third, but my mum has become like a child and it annoys me, I want her to be a mum, not a child.

but I know thats not fair of me

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twentyten · 09/09/2011 16:58

Hello. I really feel for you. My dm is 86 and increasingly frail and my mil is declining with dementia and her husband is now in care but miserable following a major stroke. I feel dh and I have lost our parents and as you say gained more children whilst getting older ourselves. I feel we do need to mourn our loss whist doing what we can. Not easy but I believe to acknowledge it is important.

Original poster
ssd · 09/09/2011 18:21

yes, I agree

its like a bereavement but they are still here

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neversaydie · 09/09/2011 19:34

My Dad has been dying by inches since 2003. He has advanced demetia, is unable to walk (or even get up out of his chair) and is incontinent. My Mum, only 2 years younger is still spry and all there, and adamant that he will live at home for as long as she can manage it - with as much nursing help as it takes. They moved house this summer, to be closer to us, and Dad was in a nursing home while they were between houses - and Mum spent all of every afternoon visiting him throughout.

You do a lot of the grieving as you go, I think. Although I have no idea how I will react when the end finally comes. I do feel sad that Mum has been so tied down through years she was well enough to travel and enjoy life, but it has been very much her choice.

I was reading a thread about whether or not your DH was the love of your life, earlier. It reminded me of last time Dad was in hospital, after yet another mini stroke. He was semi-conscious, lop-sided and clearly very ill. Mum stroked his forehead and said 'Doesn't he look bonny'. Very much the love of her life...

Rosa · 09/09/2011 19:38

neversaydie that is lovely ..real wedding vow stuff and true love. I also feel angry at times with my father as he is not the man he was but he tries so hard ( and gets frustrated) to be. HOwever I just try to live for every moment that I have with both my parents howvere as I live abroad every trip home the difference is so obvious.

FruStefanLindman · 09/09/2011 19:52

ssd. It's very difficult when this starts happening to your own parent. You don't really imagine that you will end up having to care for them the same way you have to care for a child.

"its like a bereavement but they are still here"

I am so with you on this. It's awful, because the mum that you knew (although still love) has 'gone' (or is starting to 'go') but she is still here in body. Grief/bereavement starts during that time - although you never want to admit that to yourself.

And, yes, there is the annoyance and irritation - and then the total guilt at those feelings. It was the most awful few years of my life. It's very difficult to voice those sort of feelings to anyone, unless it's your DH/DP/OH or someone who's going through the same thing.

Sad for you.

Original poster
ssd · 09/09/2011 22:41

neversaydie, that is really lovely, your mum must just love your dad completely. my mum and dad were like this, they just lived for each other.

it is hard fru, and as you said you feel so guilty of feeling like this, I get so irritated and short with my mum, every time I visit I try to pull myself up and tell myself to stop it, but its hard.....

it is a very hard time, I feel glad I can share things and write about how I feel here. my own brother and sister don't share this with me, they live far away and haven't seen my mum grow old like I have. my brother couldn't believe the clothes I was buying for mum last time I seen him, he said "I can't believe mum wears this old lady stuff, remember when she was so smart" and I just stared at him, I can't remember her being smart and sprightly, she has been so old for so long to me I can't remember anything else.I'm the youngest by far in my family.....

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BCBG · 09/09/2011 23:04

ssd I understand completely, as I went through this for a few years up until 2009; the sadness and the irritation, the grief and the anger at seeing - HAVINg to acknowledge - that Mum was getting older, and frailer, and that she just wasn't able to be strong for me any more. There were times when I imagined her dead, and how much easier and less stressed my life would be. Sad. And then, one day, she was. She died in my arms on 31st May 2009. I would give *everything8 I own (except for the dcs) to see her again, just for a day, just to hear her voice, just to say 'I love you Mummy' and see her eyes light up. I can't. Every time I see a middle-aged child with elderly parent in the supermarket, on the pavement, in the Post Office, getting irritated; looking a bit embarrassed or rolling eyes and huffing, I feel like saying 'love her. Now. You can't call this day back'.

Original poster
ssd · 09/09/2011 23:13

you're so right BCBG, you're so right

but here, stuck in the middle, I know the only way it'll get easier is if she isn;t here, but thats the thing I dread the most, her being gone

I feel its a no win situation

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BCBG · 10/09/2011 11:08

If it helps, I now think that when I visited, it should have been a conscious gift of 'time' to her: when I allowed things to move at her speed (4 hours to get out of the house and in my car, for example), when I really listened, and focused on her. Because I was always squeezing her in between all the other demands on my from DCs, work etc, I was always in a state of barely disguised irritation or distraction. Now I realise that if I had made each visit the best that it could be, however short, I would have felt less of the stuck in the middle feeling you describe. I do feel for you, but you still have her and she has you, for a while longer x

ChippingIn · 10/09/2011 11:14

BCBG you said it so much better than I could - I was trying to say what you said but couldn't find a 'nice' way to say it.

SSD you do have my sympathy, but what BCBG says is so true :(

SurpriseMuffins · 10/09/2011 11:29

BCBG With my Mum the last but one of siblings who have all died with Alzheimer's I am already well aware of the little time remaining.

However I do find it difficult almost impossible to appreciate this when she doesn't acknowledge that I am there some of the time, then at others the sight of me/the kids seems to agitate her, then at others she seems so joyful to see me and when I leave she is so disappointed. Its like some form of torture. Like others have said, its like I'm bereaved but she's still here, and every visit is a knife in the wound.

The positive thing that comes out of it is that my 4 yo DD comes with me to visit Mum in the home and is always cheerful and wants to go (she knows that her Nana is ill, but then again she's never known her any different).

Original poster
ssd · 10/09/2011 13:16

BCBG, I really hear what your saying Sad

I am aware every visit could be the last and I try to get a smile on my face, but it is as you described. I have to fit my mum in around a million other things, we have no family here, its just me that visits her and theres no one to lean on, share the load etc etc. A lot of the times I visit her I just feel really low and seeing her sat on her chair, a bit messy and dishevelled, irritates me. I just want her to ask how I am and make me a cup of tea, not always the other way round. Then there is always some last minute thing to sort out, whilst I'm trying to get away to get back to collect kids from school/pick up shopping/take to a party etc etc. I know I should savour this time, my dad died when ds was a baby, just a day before I was due to visit and I know the importance of time spent with the old ones. But as you say fitting it all in is hard and leaves you exhausted, guilty and angry. I'm angry at mum for being so old and helpless, angry at there being no one to share this with, angry at my siblings for being so uninvolved and angry at myself for being angry. Its a bit of a recipe for disaster and i feel its down to me to change it but i dont know how.

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 10/09/2011 13:19

and surprise, sympathy to you too.what your dealing with is really hard, I'm sorry its so hard.

But your little dd sounds lovely, I can imagine she brings a smile to a lot of faces in the home your mum is in!

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twentyten · 11/09/2011 15:41

Oh ssd I feel for you so much! I can understand your anger,frustration and sadness and need to be looked after. Who is there for you? All I can say is that I treasure my friends- some a long way away,but they are there to listen and help me. How are you looking after yourself? I know that might sound like a luxury but after seeing my dh overwhelmed by anxiety and off work for 4 months pretty much unable to function after his df was first ill, I know how us carers have a duty to those we care for- including our dcs and dp's. It took medication, counselling and walking and golf( on doctors orders) to get my dh back . We keep the walking and golf as a priority to keep him healthy- whilst I have consciously reduced my work and do try to make each visit count with my frail mum- I am lucky as she has all her marbles and does take pleasure from a trip to a garden centre etc.
ssd what are you doing for you? What gives you joy? You may think this is impossible but it is vital.

Original poster
ssd · 11/09/2011 16:01

twentyten, i hate sounding like a moaning minnie but i dont feel there is any joy for me, it scares me how i feel.

i feel like I've got so many people relying on me and I'm slowly crumbling

i dont know where to start, its too overwhelming

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twentyten · 11/09/2011 18:20

Oh ssd!! I'm so sorry!! But can you see that making looking after yourself priority is so important when so many others depend on you?consider it respite for carers. It 's making sure there's still something in the tank. Who supports you? And don't be afraid to "be a moaning minnei " because we all need to let off steam. And it isn't fair. Could you talk to your gp? Would you consider counselling? You are not alone.

Original poster
ssd · 11/09/2011 19:55

I know twentyten, I'm considering making an appointment with my gp this week, I just have so many doubts he would listen/understand, he'll probably send me away with anti depressents, not saying I don't need them, I probably do, but I don't have much faith in them (and am scared to start them as I feel if they don't work its the end for me).

I went to my mums today, i tried really hard to remember BCBG's post and put it into practice, but I left crying and I just cried in layby driving home. I drove away thinking I hate seeing my mum. Sad. Isn't that terrible, I feel so bad, its not her fault. I just feel this is tearing me apart. Thanks for listening.

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