its so very hard to see your parents get old

[ssd]

thats it really

my mum is 84, I can't believe she's that old, but when I see her I see every year in her IYKWIM

she's very frail and infirm

I can remember when she could walk aroind with me, she doesn't do that anymore, she clings onto me and walks about 3 metres with a stick

I just wish she could be a gran to my kids, she was a great gran to my older siblings kids but she's too old to do anything with mine, also she's a different woman to the one she was 10 yrs ago

Its not fair, and I absolutely dread it happening to me

thanks girls

dazr, can i ask, when you came off the medication was the problems still the same and did you cope better with the problem without being on the medication?? the reason I think it would be long term is that I can't see how things'll change for the forseeable future, whilst mum is still here and the problems are still the same. I can't see how going on medication for a short while then coming off it and returning to the same old problems would help? Am I missing something? I can kinda see how medication would liften your mood, but if the problems that made you take the medication are still the same how can you come off them if your going back to the same problem IYSWIM??

I know I sound daft, just confused about anti depressants. I feel I would benefit from them then when I came off i'd feel low again as all the problems would still be here?

Hi ssd hope you are ok. Can't help youuvh with anti d'd although several people I know have used them as "first aid " to help short term and then got other support to help change how they felt about and How they coped. Please see the gp. There are agencies to support- might help. Big hugxx

thanks twentyten

am actually doing ok now, think that when when I posted here a lot i was feeling really down, but being able to post here and get it all out really helped, I'll be posting again when it all goes crazy, but so far its fine!

thanks so much for your concern, means a lot

Good to hear it!! keep looking after yourself-small pleasures help a lot!And if you need it-seek help and support.

thank you!

I don't know if this thread is still active or if anyone will read this. I heard some disturbing news about my mother yesterday and all I have been able to do since is think about it and cry a little from time to time. I don't feel up to talking about it yet, but reading this thread made me realise I am not alone. I desperately wish someone would just hold my hand while I cry.

Oh poor dumbledore!Yes it,s a bit quiet here but just wanted to reach out a hand,cuppa,box of tissues and bar of choc and say you are not alone.

Talk when you are ready.

you are not alone

oh dumbledore, I'm so sorry, we're here to talk when you're ready

you aren't alone, I can promise you that

I'm a bit disappointed the elderly parents topic hasn't been more use to everyone, but it might mean not so many people are having a difficult time with their old folks

I'm so sorry you are

you'll get great advice here when your ready to post, I know I did

Thank you twentyten and ssd. It is good to have found this little place as I can tell from reading the posts here that I will be talking to people who are going through the same feelings that I am. I will try and explain my situation but I have a feeling it might not say all I want to say.

In brief: my mother had a major stroke 6 years ago. It affected her sight and her mental processes so that she can no longer read, drive, etc, and is easily flustered and confused, eg, she enjoys cooking but can no longer read the recipes correctly (esp figures) and if anyone talks to her as she is cooking, she falls to pieces. She is highly frustrated (and, we now know, depressed) by all this - understandably. She has also had some mobility problems lately (unrelated to the stroke, just part of getting old) though these have been successfully treated.

The thing that triggered off my last post was my brother emailing me to tell me he had seen our parents recently and my mother had been totally confused by everything going on around her. I mean, majorly confused, as in: "what are we doing here?" "why are we here?" "I don't recognise this place at all" (somewhere she has visited frequently). It all sounds like she is developing dementia, although it might just have been the stress of visiting my brother had caused her a really bad attack of confusion.

I can't think of anything worse than seeing a loved one succumb to dementia. Many years ago when she was fit and well, my mother used to say "if I ever get dementia, just knock me over the head and put me out of my misery". I know she would still feel that way now. In fact, I know she wishes the stroke had killed her rather than living the restricted life she has now. I know this will sound selfish, but I can't bear the thought of watching my mother slowly lose herself and become a husk. I would rather she died now than see that. I also worry that if she has dementia, I will get it too one day. Sorry, that is shamelessly selfish of me....

My brother's email hit me at a bad time. I am in the middle of a little bout of depression myself, and my dh is away this week which I always hate. I rely on him a lot for support as I don't have many friends and anyway, don't see much of them. Initially, I couldn't ring my father to ask about my mother as I was too afraid of what he would say, but he rang me yesterday and talking to him did help calm me down a bit though also made me sad to hear about him managing the situation. I am just so sad that there is a situation for him (and her) to manage. I wanted my parents to enjoy a long and happy old age without the horrid things that can affect older people, the worst of which, I feel, is dementia.

Sorry, I haven't said half of what I feel is in me, but that is my basic situation. I know part of me is just in shock and I will get used to the idea that it is now my role to care for my parents instead of the other way around, but right now, my reaction is simply to cry that I can no longer rely on my mother to be the rock in my stormy sea. I am 46 btw! (you would think I would have grown up by now!) and my mother is 79.

Dumbledoresgirl - I wanted to add my support for you.

There is never an age in our lives when we feel grown up in regard to our parents and sometimes the day comes when we step into the role of 'parent' and they, the child.

It is important to try and get support, for yourself and your parents and if you can, some counselling for coping, feelings of guilt, etc.

The Princess Royal Trust for carers are excellent for offering support and advice - we found them while we were struggling with dad (who had repeated TIAs and dementia), it was a hideously difficult time, more so coping with guilt and exhaustion as we had a new baby too.

I did not want you to feel alone or isolated and we are all here for you. x

Dumbledoresgirl, again, I'm so sorry. I feel I can see a lot of things in your post, fear, guilt, sadness and pity for your mum. I don't have experience of demantia or strokes, so I couldnt give you any advice rather than to say I'm sorry this has happened to your mum and dad and you. I nodded my head in recognition of what your mum said when she was younger ""if I ever get dementia, just knock me over the head and put me out of my misery".", I can remember my mum and dad saying separate things like that, then when it actually came true I remembered it and it killed me seeing them like that.I hope that makes sense. I suspect you are missing the mum you had and don't know what to do for the best for the mum you have now. The only practical thing I can think of is seeing her gp, and ringing up social services to see how they can help. Are you near your mum and dad?

sorry I'm not much use, I hope someone else with more experience comes along, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Hi Dumbledoresgirl - I have no experience of strokes or dementia but wanted to add my sympathy and support. My mum is 83 and over the last couple of years has become frailer and is now not coping especially well on her own. She too is far more forgetful and more easily confused - and it is so hard to see someone who was once so capable and energetic becoming withdrawn and lacking in confidence. To ssd - I haven't posted on the elderly parents thread until now but I have been lurking for several weeks and I just wanted to say no how glad I am you persuaded MNHQ to start the topic. I have been comforted over the last few weeks by knowing I'm not alone. I have a fantastically supportive DH but I know he worries about me being stressed and over burdened so sometimes I don't like to tell him how scared I am of the responsibility of dealing with my mum - and it has helped to be able to come on here and read your posts - so please don't think the thread hasn't been of use. I suspect many of us in this position are too busy, not only with practicalities, but trying not to allow the situation to overwhelm us. Hugs to all struggling with work, dc's family life AND elderly parents.

hugs to you too readsalotgirl

I don't know about anyone else, but I sometimes feel so alone in dealing with all this. I have an older db and dsis, but they live far away and seem to not notice mum getting old, they seem to think magic fairies come and sort everthing out . How can someone bury their head in the sand so well? I think its because they know I sort out everthing for her and its fine to leave it all to me. But I'm the only one with young kids, there's are grown up, I don't know how they live with themselves but it doesn't trouble them at all.

I said to another friend a while ago, some of us take our elderly parents on, and some of us dont, I guess thats all you can say

Thanks ssd - I do understand where you're coming from with this. I have one dsis (also older than me) - but she lives abroad and, frankly, was in denial but how much mum was deteriorating. It has been very difficult to get her to see how stressful and unworkable the situation was becoming. I live 150 miles from mum, have a dh who works shifts and a dd of 12. My sisters kids are 19 and 21. I spent a lot of time biting my tongue as I didn't want to fall out with my dsis but got to the point where I wrote to her and said all I needed to say. You might find it useful to set out in a letter to your siblings what the concerns are and what the difficulties are and express your disappointment that they are not more helpful. They may not take it on board but at least you'll not be seething silently and it may avoid a more damaging explosion later when you really can't keep it pent up any more.We are now moving mum closer to me but I realise that in some ways it would be easier for me to leave her where she is and take at face value when she says "Im fine everything is ok". Just I know deep down that that is not true - and it will be easier to deal with the blocked sink after 1 day when she's 5 miles away and not after 3 weeks when she's 150 miles away.!!
I have found the GP, district nurses and social work very helpful and sympathetic but mum is a tad resistant to things like a commode and really doesnt want to ask for help. It is good to know you're not alone and I have found AGEUK a useful source of info and of course this thread and site.

thanks readsalotgirl

the letter thing is a good idea but I know I would never do it as I feel embarrassed that I would sound needy, I think my siblings just dont think at all. They have never asked how I cope, my sister just thinks I worry too much and I run after mum too much, she thinks I need to step back from mum and live my own life a bit more. She couldnt possible understand how if I step back there is no one there to fill the gap. Again, she must think the fairies are waiting to fill it in..............My mum is 84 and she's been getting old and needing support for a long long time. My siblings visit, see what she's like, then go home and dont visit for maybe 6-8 months at a time, Head in the sand stuff. Its gone on so long thats just how it is.. But I am resentful, unbelievably resentful and I know I'll take the resentment to my grave.

funnily enough I use ageuk, agree its good

I'm an expert round here in helping old folk!!

another thing, my siblings genuinely believe they are doing all they can for mum and would be amazed to hear how little I think they do

Hello all.I completely understand about siblings-my BIL came back from oz for 4 weeks(first time in two years)He managed one visit to FIL in his care home,one day with MIL and a half day with all the family including IL's-(a very bizzare event with us all playing "hunt the cake" that MIL had made but forgotten where it was...eaten with caution)BIL spent all the time saying whispering "get me out of here".....and then left.
There is help out there for dementia-I'm no expert but it's worth researching Alzeimers society and age uk.
It is a tough time for us sandwich generation- looking after ourselves has to be on top of our priorities- and our kids.And giving ourselves permission to feel sad and angry for what we've lost.

true twentyten

Hi ssd sorry to take so long to reply! I did feel better when on the ADs but the feeling also did continue when I came off them. Before I was on medication I was so stressed about our family situation. My poor dad was struggling so much and was often in tears trying to cope with mum (who had dementia) - I tried to stay strong for him but was, over time, reduced to a level where I couldn't offer the support he needed and couldn't even think clearly as to how to help. The ADs provided me with a chance to get on top of things - to research additional support for my dad and mum and by implementing more general support I felt better myself and things improved for them too. There is a lot of help available but it does need perseverance and investigation to find it. We used a company called Crossroads Care for some support - they provided a 'sitter' for mum one night a week so that Dad could continue to go out to pusue a hobby. We also got some residential respite care for mum (a couple of nights every six weeks) which gave Dad a chance to visit my brother or just relax at home. Hope this helps.

thanks DazR

I've actually had a good talk to myself and I'm feeling much better, things are going ok, for now!

hope you're ok, too

Hi everyone - sorry if I seemed to disappear! I've spent this weekend moving my mum to sheltered housing near me. It was an exhausting few days and I really hope I've done the right thing. My sister came to help clear mum's house and pack up but dh and I did the driving and unpacking which is still not finished.

It's scary how forgetful mum is and how little information she seems to process - I found letters that she'd opened but not responded to - one from the GP asking her to make an appointment for example. Things like that confirm my thought that I have done the right thing but I felt awful when I left her alone on the first night in her new home.

I do sympathise with you ssd as I feel we are in a very similar situation regarding our siblings. My sis was very against mum moving and kept insisting mum was "fine". I think part of the head in the sand thing is because siblings far away don't want to accept that their parent is declining - even this weekend sis kept trying to pack things mum hasn't used in years like her jam making equipment !!!! - even after we'd slung out jars of jam from 2004.

Eventually I decided I would bite the bullet and move mum closer to me - for my sake and if necessary have the argument with sis. I ended a phone call with sis very abruptly one time as I was afraid I was going to lose it with her - thats when I emailed her setting out my concerns about mum's dwindling support and social network and stating very clearly the limitations on my time and availability. I expected a tearful/ emotional response but was surprised that sis actually got the point - I think BIL also agreed with me and told her so. Don't be afraid of sounding needy - you are in need of moral if not practical support from siblings - and if you don't tell them how you feel then they can continue to stick their heads in the sand and say but ssd never said !
It also helped me that couple of times when I was v v stressed DH said if I didn't say something to sis then he would - DH is wonderful but NOT tactful. Anyway sorry to be long but glad all is ok at the mo - but think about getting siblings on board for when it may not be ok.

Oh twentyten - you made me . But you are right - one of the things I pointed out to dsis was that expecting me to "pop down" to mums was the disruption to my dd's family life. BTW "popping down" involved a 300 mile round trip which took (in good weather) 3 hours each way.

hi readsalotgirl, the moving mum bit made me smile, my mum moved into sheltered housing and my siblings came here to help, they hadnt a clue about mums stuff, even what clothes and shoes she wore, i realised then how completely out of touch with her they are. in my case its gone way past having it out with them, its too late now, me and mum are like a separate family from them, we've all grown so far apart. I'm the only one near mum, so its all been left to me and thats just it, the siblings visit maybe a couple of times a year, tops.

you'll probably find the sheltered housing works well for your mum, try to get her involved with the things going on in there, get her out of herself a bit

I said this on another thread, usually one sibling takes the parent on and the others dont, I find that true in most families. its just so hard when you have young kids and you are the one who's taken on the care and the worry, i think feeling resentful is normal in these circumstances.

That's a shame for you ssd but also for your siblings as they will be missing out - and at the end of the day you will have the satisfaction of knowing you did all you could and have nothing to feel guilty about. The advantage of their lack of involvement is that you can arrange things to suit you and which is best for your mum. It is important to look after yourself - I have recently been told about Crossroads Care which provides support for carers who I'm going to contact - will let you know how that pans out. Higs to you - take care

Hello all. I've heard good things about crossroads support- I moved my 86 year old mum 200 miles to be 5 mins away 5 years ago. It meant I could pop in for a cuppa much more easily. She has settled- much more dependent than I thought but we enjoy some good times together. My il's are 45 min Away in the middle of nowhere. It's good to talk here! Non mm hugs to all!x