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Elderly parents

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Original poster

its so very hard to see your parents get old

111 replies

ssd · 08/09/2011 20:36

thats it really

my mum is 84, I can't believe she's that old, but when I see her I see every year in her IYKWIM

she's very frail and infirm

I can remember when she could walk aroind with me, she doesn't do that anymore, she clings onto me and walks about 3 metres with a stick

I just wish she could be a gran to my kids, she was a great gran to my older siblings kids but she's too old to do anything with mine, also she's a different woman to the one she was 10 yrs ago

Its not fair, and I absolutely dread it happening to me

OP posts:

twentyten · 12/09/2011 08:59

Oh ssd ! A huge non mn hug. You MUST see your gp. For everyone including your dc's and your mum and for you.
Antidepressants aren't always the answer but can help take the edge off and help you find new ways to cope. Several friends have finally taken them over the last year and they have made a massive positive impact on how they feel and how they cope. Ask for counselling too- again some very sceptical friends found this saved them at tough times- including a very sceptical dh. If it helps write it all down before you go. I hate going to see the gp but it's what we pay our taxes for.
Please make that appointment and tell us you have.

Original poster

ssd · 12/09/2011 09:42

thanks twentyten, I've just phoned the surgery and am going this friday. If I come back here and post I don't want to go, please shout at me...I must go, I know I must

OP posts:

CarrotsAreNotTheOnlyVegetables · 12/09/2011 10:00

Well done ssd for making that first move.

I am sure you will find your GP very sympathetic and he/she will make time to listen to you and get you the help you need.

I have become increasingly concerned about my elderly parents over the past few months. They live in Spain and we can't afford to get over to see them very often. My DF has Parkinsons but his symptoms had not been too severe until recently and he was still able to get around and walk to the shops. However my mum phoned me a couple of weeks ago to say he has deteriorated quite a lot recently and now has trouble walking. She has arthritis herself and it sounds like she is finding coping with him difficult.

I keep having horrible sinking feelings that I am going to lose him soon. It is so sad to think about how strong he was not so long ago, what happened to the dad who always looked out for us all?

I know I need to help my mum but just don't have the money to keep going over there and I have to work. Just don't know what to do.

twentyten · 12/09/2011 12:46

Well done SSd . Be strong. Do it for them and for you.
Oh carrots- heartbreaking for you. Can you use skpe to keep in touch?
Remember it's quality of time too.

CarrotsAreNotTheOnlyVegetables · 12/09/2011 15:08

Thanks twenty.

We keep in touch with skype etc regularly but it's just not the same as being there.

I want to be there to help mum but just can't be there enough.

They love life out there and I know they would hate to come back to the UK.

I feel like time is slipping away and one day soon I will wake up and he will be gone

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 12/09/2011 15:17

Marking my place for when I have time to post properly . Carrots, my FIL iain Spain on his own since MIL died. He's 85 and we're all burying our heads in the sand about the situation. Ridiculous though it sounds, DH dreamt he saw his Dad last night and he kissed him. Slight panic this morning when we couldn't get him on the phone as he had gone shopping.

Caz10 · 13/09/2011 19:55

About to enter into this sort of situation as df has just been diagnosed with q degenerative condition...does anyone else not feel old enoughfor this? Very silly thought, I am mid 30's but am reduced to feeling 15 when I contemplate all of this.

Original poster

ssd · 14/09/2011 16:40

yes caz10, I feel I'm too young to be dealing with all this.

my mum is 84, I'm 44. I feel like there's a generation missing between us, probably about the ages of my siblings (I'm by far the youngest), but they aren't involved with mum, they think she's "fine", that get out of jail free word!!

I feel like I've lost her at the time in my life I need her the most, it makes me feel about 10 inside

OP posts:

scaryteacher · 15/09/2011 08:54

My fil has just died, after being diagnosed with cancer and dementia exacerbated by having a general anaesthetic for an operation. He had gone downhill so rapidly since Christmas that it was scary.

The other sad thing is seeing a marriage that you thought was rock solid disintegrate on one side because of his illness. I will never ever view my mil in the same light again, and I have been married a long time. She had us all fooled.

JajasWolef · 15/09/2011 09:09

Scary, so sorry to read your post .

ssd, I can totally understand how you are feeling and no amount of make the most of this moment helps tbh. My mum died from cancer a few years ago and it was utter torture for months, both watching her and my father.

You find yourself in this situation where you can't go back and you can't move forward basically until they die. Then you feel so guilty and concerned about the parent who is left behind to cope on their own.

There are no easy answers and yes I agree that you think they will be there forever as your strong, knowing parents and suddenly you seem to be in that position and you start thinking 'how the hell did this happen'?

Can only offer immense amounts of sympathy and strength. In some way you have to try to switch yourself off from it a bit when you are not with your DM.

Quiet hugs to you.
xx

sandyballs · 15/09/2011 09:38

It is helpful to read these posts although very sad. I'm 43 and mum is 84 and she has alzheimers and is getting frailer rapidly. She's still in her own home with carers going in but I feel terribly guilty that I can't do more for her as my children are still young and dependent.

When her own mother was old and I'll my mum had retired and me SMS my brother were grown up, so she had far more time. I really feel I'm letting her down by squeezing visits inbetweem school runs and work. I occasionally get glimpses of the funny clever lady she once was but it is getting less frequent

scaryteacher · 15/09/2011 09:50

There is a flip side of the coin though. My Dad died 10 years ago at 60 and a week, so he has missed out on his gcs growing up; at attempting to repair some of the damage in the relationship between he and I, and I still feel that his death left so much unresolved and unanswered.

Whilst my fil dying is so sad, he was 80, and he had seen his gcs get to adulthood and late teens; he had been retired for some time, and so, whilst upset because such a lovely man has gone from our lives, I am glad that even when he was in a home and didn't know who we were, we took in wine and read him bits out of the paper, talked to him and even just sat and held his hand, and we got to tell him we loved him and that he mattered to us.

Original poster

ssd · 15/09/2011 18:55

jajas, thanks

I said further up the thread I was going to see my gp tomorrow because I feel I need something to help me through this. But I've thought of this all week and I feel like just now I'm stuck in limbo, exactly as you said, also my problem is is that we have no family nearby, no support with the kids at all and a lot of the time it all gets too much and the situation with my mum is the nail in the coffin sometimes. I just don't think the gp can help, the only thing that can help is my kids getting older and less on my hands all the time with no break and my mum not being here (I hate to write that_)

OP posts:

twentyten · 15/09/2011 19:41

Oh ssd I have been thinking about you this week. Yes this will pass but it's getting through and putting something in the tank to get you through. Please see your gp because there may be some other sources of practical help and advice he/she can direct you to. This is your life too. And your kids.

JajasWolef · 15/09/2011 20:10

ssd, please don't let what I said put you off seeing your gp tomorrow, it can't do any harm to at least talk it through with him/her. I went on AD's after my DM had died, just for a while to help me through the worst bit. Sometimes you just need a bit of extra support at times like this.

Stropperella · 15/09/2011 20:25

It's a tough one and there are no easy answers - particularly if you don't have supportive siblings. Get yourself as much support as possible, from wherever you can.

Original poster

ssd · 15/09/2011 21:50

I'm scared to go on anti depressants, I feel I could be on them for years and get used to them and this scares me

maybe I should ask for counselling, I find talking usually helps me, maybe this is the answer

I just feel a bit daft going to the doctor about "emotions", not a physical thing, I've never done this before, usually I cope with everything, my dad dying, being really unwell after having ds2, why can't I just get through this without help? I feel I need to toughen up.

OP posts:

JajasWolef · 15/09/2011 22:16

Sorry, didn't mean to suggest that AD's were the only answer. I actually only took them for 2 months and came off them as they made me feel weird. It was counselling that really helped, with NLP and hypnotism. It's finding what works for you.

Hey, you have coped with lots in the past that means you know you have the deep down strength to deal with this too .

Original poster

ssd · 15/09/2011 22:23

not at all jajas, its just me rambling, I'm scared of anti-d's actually, scared I'll get hooked and be on them forever

can I ask, how did you get counselling and nlp(whats that?) and hypnotism?? did you need to pay for this stuff?

OP posts:

JajasWolef · 16/09/2011 08:50

I did pay for it although you can get it on the NHS but would probably have to wait quite a while.

NLP is NeuroLinguisticProgramming and is a form of brain training I suppose. It helps you to see things in a different way and teaches you different strategies and coping mechanisms. Very useful tool as is hypnotism.

Best of luck at the gp today.

Original poster

ssd · 16/09/2011 09:09

i've cancelled the appt. we're all going out tonight and i can't just say oh before we go I'm going to the doctors, they'd all want to know why (haven't told dh how I feel, he's very balck and white, seen an advert for Kalms tablets for anxiety on the tv and said god what a load of crap, do people actually buy that rubbish), don't want the spanish inquisition before I go, I should have made the appt for during the day when the kids are at school and dh is at work instead of making it for 5.50pm when I'm always around. I haven't even got somewhere I could lie to them I'm going, especially just before we all go out to dinner, a very rare birthday treat.
Anyway girls don't think I'm totally chickening out, I've made an appt. for next week during the day on my day off, I want some headspace before I go, not "mum why are you going to the doctors now"

OP posts:

Original poster

ssd · 16/09/2011 09:12

aw bugger just realised next fri schools are closed, will need to make it for the next one again. fri is my only day off ,got one for the 30th

OP posts:

JajasWolef · 16/09/2011 10:20

Hope you have a lovely time tonight ssd. Chatting to friends helps enormously .

twentyten · 16/09/2011 14:14

Hi ssd. understand about doc's-glad you have made another appointment.
I do understand your felings about anti depressants- but worth talking through. Counselling is available in different forms on the NHS but can take time-have a look at the BACP website for details about couselling and cousellors who are all accredited.You can contact them directly-not cheap but an initial conversation is often free.
But do make some time for you to do something you love-anything.Even half an hour in the bath.
Would it help writing things down about how you feel? And make a list to take to the GP? It can really help.Lots of quiet hugs.

DazR · 16/09/2011 14:31

Hi ssd, A couple of years ago I was in a similar position as you. My dad was caring for my mum who had dementia and various other medical conditions. My dad struggled so much and although I could help where possible it was mentally exhausting to see them both in such a sad state. My mood was so low that I eventually went to the GP. He was so understanding and I went on ADs for a very short period to see me over that bad time. They enabled me to cope with life generally and the situation my parents were in. They made me stronger and more positive and more able to cope with things - they do not need to be a 'long term' solution. Please speak to your GP and find out all the options available to you. Good luck.

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